Hi
This is my first time doing anything like this. The condensed version of my looong story is this: I had been happily married for almost 23 years in the fall of 2001 when the bottom fell out of my world. We have 4 healthy kids ranging from 10 to 18, our own business, a nice home--what more could a person want? But this was not enough for my husband. After 6 or 8 months of anguish, not knowing WHAT was going on, just that something was terribly wrong, I received an anonymous letter telling me that my very best friend (my husband) had been having a torrid affair with a 28 yr old (we are 46) for the past several months. He left, and 2 days later she took a bunch of pills in an apparent suicide attempt. I say 'apparent' since her main objective is attention - of any sort. A few days later she forwarded their email correspondence to me - indeed it WAS torrid. The sex part I could somehow get past, but his telling her that she was the only woman he had ever loved, almost tore my heart out. He insisted that he had told her "what she wanted to hear" and that was it, that he did not mean any of it, that he was just infatuated with her beauty and bubbly personality. I'm still not sure how I lived through that time. In February 2002 I asked if he would go to a marriage counsellor - things were sooo strange and he was acting so weird, that he had moved out. We sat through several sessions, with me crying, and him lying about how "he didn't know WHAT was wrong with our relationship, but that, no, there was no other woman". After finding out about this affair, we went to two other counsellors - he was eager to go, but then just continued lying about everything that was important. What is the point? A few weeks after he supposedly ended the affair, she told him that she had been pregnant and had an abortion after the suicide attempt. She talked him into sleeping with her again. Then they talked on the phone for weeks after that - all the while telling me he was having no contact. Of course SHE made sure I found out, and so...another plunge on this roller coaster marriage. Upon finally drawing yet another line in the sand and telling him that, IF he swore that this had been the only time he had been unfaithful in our marriage, that we could try to rebuild our marriage....another surprise. He told me he had had an affair that lasted more than a year early in our marriage - with a 16 year old (he was 26 at the time). This would have been when I was pregnant with our first child. I still cannot believe it. If I had to pick ONE time that I was happiest, it would have been then. I had no idea at the time (he is a very good liar), but, looking back, I can remember things that were not exactly right. Each time, he has "sworn to God" that that is EVERYTHING - there is nothing else. And, each time, I find out that was not true - I feel that it will NEVER be true - there will ALWAYS be "one more thing". This summer I finally decided that it would be better if we separated, and finally thought I could have a life of my own (it took me a long while to get to that point). After one week, he begged and pleaded with me to take him back, that he would never do anything like that again, that all he wanted was me. I did not buy into what he was saying, but did not have the heart to turn him down (I know, I know). I asked him then if there had been others - he coughed up two more names. I am convinced that there have been many over the past (now nearly 25) years. The counsellor we had been seeing for more than a year has not changed his view since our first visit - he thinks he has a sexual addiction. Now that I am a bit more 'removed' from the heat of emotions, I agree. I do not think he purposely did these things to hurt his family - I think it was 'bigger than him'. He does have an addictive personality, in everything he does - work, play, even taking pills (if 2 aspirin are good, then 10 would be 5 times better). When this last affair was going on, he was taking about 20 'beans' (uppers that truck drivers sometimes use) a day. This definitely played a part in the strangeness of that time.
Anyway, I have somehow muddled through these last two years, and feel, at last, like there maybe is a light at the end of the tunnel. But now, the next step would be divorce, and it would be me who would be taking the step....aaand, I am not comfortable with it. I know he has done many wrong things and has hurt his family immeasurably, but basically I guess that's on HIS conscience. I made those same vows 25 yrs ago "to love, honour and cherish - til death do us part" and I do not feel right about breaking them. He says he wants to be with me but will respect my wishes this time and will leave me alone. After all that he has done, I don't want to upset my kids any more. I want to do what is right and best for us....I just don't know what that is. I'm not even sure if I think there is help for his addiction, but without some sort of assurance that he has changed, I feel that I would be "asking for it" all over again if I stay with him. I still love him and think he is a good person and a good father, except for this one horrendous trait. Is divorce the answer?

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Hi divorce?

Welcome to MB!.

There are some member here that had some experience with SA, look for posts from absenmindedprofessor, Stephanie, Drucilla and Angelia. They may throw some light into your sitch.

Also I know there is there COSA meetings, more like Al-Anon for alcoholics, but for family of people dealing with a SA. Try to look if there are some in your area.

About recovery or divorce? I can not answer that, but keep in mind that your H has an addictive personality, and he has to be the one that seeks help for his sickness. He has to believe first he has that problem, and to work on it. If not, there is little you can do about it, so I advice COSA again for you to help you deal with that if you want.

In the meantime, try to read all you can from this site, BUT as I was told (since I don't know for sure), MB principles doesn't apply for addictions, that is a whole another game.

Hope you get more insight from the vets...

Take care

<small>[ November 21, 2003, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Mathilde,

My husband probably has an SA. My understanding is that MB principles are still the best that there is for infidelity, but obviously success is mitigated by an individual problem. So read here too -- but nothing can change, obviously, till he addresses his problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by divorce?:
<strong> This is my first time doing anything like this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you find this site as helpful as my H and I have found it. Encourage your H to read the site, read the books, and read the text from this site, even if you need to print it out for him to read

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Each time, he has "sworn to God" that that is EVERYTHING - there is nothing else. And, each time, I find out that was not true </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's a horrible, horrible feeling to go through this, and it takes a long time to come to trust again, longer after each new revelation

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
The counsellor we had been seeing for more than a year has not changed his view since our first visit - he thinks he has a sexual addiction. Now that I am a bit more 'removed' from the heat of emotions, I agree. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does your husband think the problem is? Has he been able to do the individual counseling work to figure out what he was getting from these affairs? I believe my H when he says he never meant to hurt me, but I could not accept this last go around when he said he didn't know why he was doing it. And recovery didn't begin until we had worked to find what he was getting from the affairs, and what I could to do help meet those needs within the marriage.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I made those same vows 25 yrs ago "to love, honour and cherish - til death do us part" and I do not feel right about breaking them.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I stayed in my marriage during this last round for the same reason - maybe he felt no need to honor the vows, but *I* did.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
without some sort of assurance that he has changed, I feel that I would be "asking for it" all over again if I stay with him.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, what is he doing to get better? What changes has he implemented? I cannot stress enough how helpful the questionnaires from this site were in helping my H and I find out about each other, and ourselves. And they helped us developed specific steps and actions to rebuild the trust, and help H prove to me that I could start to trust him again. You'll find lots of this information in the postings. Some of the things my H did to help me believe he could change included giving me full and complete access to all his email, phones and computer activity, calling me regularly, ending some of his internet activity that led him to stray. He started to read a lot more, and work on himself as well as our relationship. He initiated discussions, and agreed to answer all my questions, any time, over and over.

I do believe that if he is not willing to do the work to figure out what is wrong with him, and the work to change (and believe me - it is WORK, and it's uncomfortable work to boot), then a marriage cannot be satisfying. Whether you're willing to live in an unsatisfying marriage or divorce is only up to you.

Hi divorce?

I would suggest several things:

see if you can find a COSA meeting. I attend them every week. There is also am amazing website called www.understandingsexualaddiction.org which is very helpful (to me at least). This particular website has lessons for you to complete on your own because although your husband's addiction affects you it's not about you. There's lessons on forgiveness, boundary setting, learning about the addiction, etc. It has been a revelation for me.

Also, you can read Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes - he also has a website but I can't recall the name of it right now.

If you are not yet comfortable with divorce then don't do it.

There is help for his addiction just like any other addiction however....recovery is HIS choice. There are SA groups just like AA- counselors who specialize in SA- and he can do some research on his own. He can find an accountablity partner - go to church...many things.

There are other wives on this MB site whose husbands are in recovery - mine is not. Drucilla and Stephanie and Roberta can probably give more help on what it's like to live with an SA in recovery.

I will keep you in my prayers!

Angelia