In January 2002 the company I was working for moved to another state and offered me a position there which I declined thinking I could get something here. This was the best job ever. I had recieved a nice severance pay so we spent some time going on trips and enjoying ourselves. When I began looking for a job nothing happened. I became frustrated and eventually depressed. I finally took a sales job in October 2002 and did that for 6 months and quit in April 2003. The next month, May, my Dad went into the hospitol for heart surgery. In June he died of complications in ICU. A week later I finally got a job in the field I have training in but making less than half what I was making before.

Then in July my wife left me and filed for divorce saying she couldn't handle my depression. She had been seeing a married man she met at work since October 2002. I had some indications that she might be having an affair, working late and not taking time to be together, but did not believe she would do this because she seems to be so Godly. She listens to praise music and thinks of her job as a ministry. This is her third marriage. The first one she did the same thing, she had a year long affair with a married man and divorced her husband but the OM went back to his wife. Her second marriage was with an impotent man who was very angry as you can understand.

In September the OM went back to his wife so WW calls me. We had two wonderful weeks together and she was planning on comming back home. She even stopped the divorce procedings, But something happened. She said she loved me as a good friend only and not as a husband. The woman she is living with is a three time divircee and hates men and sex and is a bad influence. There were also other women that told her of horror stories about going back to their husbands. My wife is very influenced by others. She met a pastor that told her that since she had already started divorce procedings that she should go through with it. Others have told her that she can get the divorce and ask God for forgivness and then have a ministry.

The pastor suggested that we spend two weeks not communicating. At the end of the two weeks I did not hear from her until the following Sunday. She said she wanted to meet and talk about us. I asked her if she was still seeing the OM and she said she had called him twice so I said I have nothing to talk about as long as she is stilling seeing him But if she wanted to talk we could. She said she would call me the next day. After I hung up I decided to call his BW. We compaired notes and she suggested that I write WW a love letter which I did. The next day, Monday, I called the BW and she suggested that I go see WW unannonced and give her the letter. WW seemed glad to see me and talked for three hours. When I brought her back to her house I asked her who's vehicle was there. She said it was the OM's. WW said he was there for dinner. It was 10:00 pm. After I left, the phone that she returned rang and it was the BW. She was looking for the OM so I told her. OM had to leave and WW got very angry and blamed me so she is now proceding with the divorce. I asked if the OM went back to the BW what would she do? She said she would be single.

What do I do? I am not calling or communicating with her at all and she doesn't call me. Is there any hope? Why can't I just let her go? If she did it once she will do it again, right?

^^BUMP^^

wHAT IS ^^bump^^ ?

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I suggest doing a bit of reading about affairs and marrige. Start with "Surving an Affair" and then the book "Not Just Friends".

I think I have blow it! After reading about "How to survive an affair I realize that I have been critical and correcting as before. I think that is the real reason why she left me and now it may be too late as WW is proceding with the D. WW was concerned that I would hate her but I don't. I love her but I think I have made too many lovebank withdrawals to recover. I am not calling her and it is probably "out of sight out of mind". I really want her back but I believe it is too late.

My mood swings are under control as I am taking an antidepressant now. I sometimes feel that I should call her but figure that for her it is over. We had a lot of problems during our marriage. Whenever we would have a disagreement she would freeze up and not contribute. Nothing got resolved. I feel guilty for what I have done to hurt the marriage and don't feel I have a right to try to get her back. Maybe it is best that she find someone else.

Welcome - you are here, and that is the first step to anything being fixed. I don't think it's too late. Give yourself some slack - at the end, it sounds like you think your a horrible, aweful person - well, if you are trying to resolve things, you aren't. All you can do is look forward - looking backwards never did anyone any good except to evaluate what went wrong - then move forward. I recommend doing the EN and LB questionarres, but to be effective, you both have to do them. I would say that you should contact her. Use this web site a lot - I don't know alot of the fine details yet, as I am new, to, but read a lot of the stories and answers - you will find that a lot of them mirror what your going through, and might have good answers in your situation. Good luck and keep posting - it's a great support network here!

Opti -- FYI, "bump" is someone's kind nudge to put your post higher on the postings, so it doesn't drift down to the bottom of the first page.

Your wife shows a pattern in which she will go from a one marrige to another looking for someone to make her permanently happy. What she is doing has nothing to do with you. Until she comes to the realization that SHE is the problem this behaviour will continue. My advice is to accept this fact and move on with your life.

Felina,
Since WW informed me she is proceding with the D I have began going to the singles group at church. It feels gratifying to have several women interested in me but I don't feel a desire to pursue anyone as I am still wanting my WW to return. It has been two weeks since we have spoken, I am going dark. We don't have any children together but her daughter is very upset at what her mom is doing. I feel in limbo, not feeling married but not single either. Do I stop going to the singles group and continue to focus on restoring the marriage by waiting? Do I call her? Or do I do like Yosh mentioned that she is the problem and just blow her off, find someone else and get on with my life? We had a lot of problems while we were toghther and I don't want to go back to that. The two weeks we had together it was all about her getting me to focus on her needs and she still not meeting mine. I am not optimistic that she will change and I don't want to get back with her unless she is willing to try! When I was single before between marriages I had a lot of dates and a couple of serious relationships so I won't be lonely. I just want a stable committed marriage that I can build my future on. The last time I saw WW I gave her a letter stating how much she ment to me and at the end asking her to come home that I missed her. She said it was sweet and then said she was proceding with D.

If I contact her what do I say? It seems that everything I have said has been wrong.

<<BUMP>>

opti, I don't know what MB would say, really, but I almost have to agree with Yosh in this situation, based on her track record, and let her go to start over.

Good luck with whatever route you take.

Felina

^^ BUMP ^^

I talked to WW today and she has not gone forward with the D and will not until January. Thinks the holidays are a bad time to do this. I asked to see her and she agree to see me Thursday at the house after work. She seemed distant and detached as though there is no feelings left for me. I asked if she would go to counceling with me and she said no. I don't know if she is seeing the OM but I don't think she is. What should I do when she comes over Thursday? I plan on being strong, reflecting her feelings and not arguing. I am courious why she is now persuing the D now and not earlier. I wonder if she is still angry about the OM leaving. Any advice would be appreciated.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

After thinging about the meeting with my WW I feel that she really loves me but is afraid to persue the relationship. I believe she is moving out of from the woman she was living with which is a very good sign. I am very hopeful that we can now see each other with out interferrence from her former housemate. I believe she will be living by herself which I think she needs.

I don't believe the OM is in the picture now.

Any advice?

Hi Opti,

It is really hard to give advice without knowing what you have been doing.

You seemed to say early on that you had issues and needed to work on them.

How are you are meeting her needs (I know you have limited contact, but when you do communicate, how do you do?)

How are you at avoiding LB's?

If OM is out of the picture you can see if she will come home. It may not be good to ask right away before you show you can meet needs and that you won't LB. It may be good to ask her out and let her see the new improved you to spark her interrest.

What do you think? Does she show interrest in dating?

SS

I asked WW if she would like to get together two weeks ago and she did. She came over Thursday a week ago and as soon as she came in she gave me a big hug and kiss on the mouth and again later. She talked for 2 1/2 hours. I asked her to stay the night and she said she did not have her stuff. We met at the bank the next day to put her car in her name and had dinner after. She talked the whole time. I guess she was nervous. I Said that I was probably doing something wrong and she said I was doing that I wasn't. I haven't called her since. I keep waiting for her to call me, but she doesn't. When I call her she is happy to hear from me. She is still going ahead with the D. after the first of the year?

You said you've read Surviving an Affair and have learned about the lovebank withdrawals you have been making. The first step in dealing with a wayward spouse is to remove those withdrawals and begin to fill their lovebank. What have you done to show her you are changing those lovebusters?

Read about Plan A.

It would seem obvious to move to Plan B, but you have not given her a good impression of how things will change if she were to return (and words are not enough).

Begin to lavish attention on her. Find out what her most important emotional needs are. (It's easy, it would be the things she has complained about for years...) Make your M better. If the D goes through...you can always get remarried to her...

If she was happy to see you, and it went well, ask her out.

How are you doing with the anger - and so on?

I don't think you want to go overboard, and chase her non stop, but I do believe if she is willing, you ought to meet her needs for conversation, and so on. She can change her mind about D, if she sees you are someone she wants to be with.

What are you waiting for - Christmas is a really good time for her to want to be with someone.

SS

It's not so much anger as it is fear that we will be just we were before. WW is very giving but not in the way I wanted. I want her back but not as it was before. That question keeps me from charging ahead as I could. I keep waiting for her to turn back to me and make an effort to admit that she was wrong and work on the issues we had. Even though she seems to love me is it enough for her to try to work on the problems we had? She did try but the communication from her was not there. I would listen but she would not. This drives me nuts! She is very attractive to me but is she willing to change? I don't know.