I have been in a very heated A with a friend of my H for 2 months. My H just found out - I admitted everything. The OM was pissed that I admitted that it was him, and won't speak to me any more (which is good, I suppose). My H and I have a 24 year age diff. which obviously came into play. I have 2 small children, but staying with my H as he gets much older seems almost repulsive at the moment. How do I start rebuilding with my H so the kids don't get hurt?

My god! That was harsh! Why were you even with you H in the first place?

I really did love my H in the beginning and age seemed to not be an issue - we knew each other for 4 yrs before marrying - hea also had a 30 horse ranch - was I blinded by that? We spent every day together for 3 years - loved every minute of it - past year though, we've grown very distant

Hey Felina,

Welcome (sorry you are in this situation)- you have found a really wonderful place to help you rebuild your M. There will be others who will give you many references and materials, but it looks as if you have already made a good start by being honest with your H, and taking on the task of wishing to rebuild your M.

1. I would start by reading everything you can on this website. It is extremely valuable.

2. Dig deep within yourself and your M to find what issues made you vulnerable to the A.

3. Understand, know, and accept that while the condition of the M was 50% your responsibility, and 50% your H's responsibility, your A was 100% your choice. Taking responsibility and ownership for your A is key in a healthy recovery.

4. Finally, realize that you are a person who made a mistake. A grave mistake, but simply that. We are only human. Work on learning why you made that mistake, and how you can prevent it in the future.

Keep posting, and kudos for wanting to rebuild your M. PS....wasn't really sure what you meant by the "kids getting hurt" comment. Please make sure that you also rebuild for yourself, your H, and your M as well as for your kids....I see way too many comments about how people are doing this "for their kids." Do it for everything. Do it for happiness. Do it for true meaningful love.

PS - You may want to think just a bit before you post negative things about your H....after all, if he is willing to work on forgiveness, he is an extremely honorable and respectable man.

Your repulsion to him right now is likely due to the A - not because you have really lost feeling for him. You have simply pushed it back. You can find it again.....if that is what you truly want.

Thanks for the response - I agree I am still greiving the A. I know I am conciously not yet allowing myself to truly want to work on the M (in hopes that the A will actually answer one of my calls) - but logically I want to for the kids. I know you say to work on myself - but right know, the kids are the only thing keeping me in the house. When I said "not hurting the kids", I have been a teacher and seen lots of kids from broken homes and know it's hard on them. I am trying to have the strength to not call theA -but I do just to hear his voice on the voicemail - a lot of stuff I've read here will help me not to call.

Felina,

I am going to tell you something.....but it's not going to make it any easier.....

You need to stop calling OM. Period.

First, you will not heal until you stop trying to have contact with him.

Second, you are disrespecting your H and your kids by trying to continue your behavior - namely the A.

Finally, you are making a fool of yourself by continuing to call and seek care from someone who obviously does not feel the same way about you. He is mad at you because you told your H that it was his "friend" you were sleeping with? How respectful is that to you? How respectful was he to you when he betrayed his friend to sleep with you? If he is not taking your calls, it is most likely because he is selfish, and not thinking of how you feel right now.....only how he feels.

Now turn that on yourself. You also are only thinking of how you feel....not how your H feels. You, too, are still being selfish.

As for your kids, OK....if you want to start with them, then what do you think is the best thing - to stay together, obviously. Well, by continuing to try and contact OM, how are you moving toward the goal of reconciliation with your H? Is it making you feel any better? Are you getting anything from it? Is it helping you keep your family together?

You know, you were once OK without OM. You once found love and happiness with your H. Yes, that once strong "connection" with him might be lost right now. Such is the effect of lack of work in an M, and the consequence of an A. But you can rebuild that connection. But not while you are hung up on OM. And you will not be able to grieve him as a "loss" until you actually realize and accept it as a "loss."

Bottom line - to make a long story short - quit calling him. And if he calls you, don't answer. No friendship, no e-mails, no talking....NO CONTACT.

You can heal....but you need to start helping yourself and not look for others to do it for you.....

Thanks - I've actually been needing someone to just get strong with me in this area. I just read a ton of the indidelity articles on this web site - when I first wrote tonight, I was miserable - I am, now, for the first time in a year (technically, even though the physical was only 2 months, it's been mentally going on for a year) seeing things a lot more clearly, and at least at this moment, feel very stongly about honestly making my M work - and forgetting the A. I realize now that it's an addiction (I always jokingly said that).

My H is not very intimately active. How do I go about helping him change that so that I am not "looking" elsewere to satisfy that urge?

Originally posted by Felina:
staying with my H as he gets much older seems almost repulsive at the moment.

Really?

Repulsive because he is ageing, like God intended him to age.

Do people in wheelchairs repulse you? I wonder....

Looking into someone's soul, seeing the beauty of that person's humanity .... seeing past the exterior of physical attributes .... is placing one's self in a state of Grace.

You may just want to take some time, and gaze into your own inner beauty. Take down all the mirrors in your home, and find your spiritual core, look inside yourself ....Because, right now, you appear to be buried under superficial desires.

Best of luck.

Pep

Felina,

I'm glad you are ready to work on your M. That is a big step. If you can get into counseling, that would be the first step I would take. My H and I waited 3 months for counseling, and I often think that if we had done it earlier, it would have helped more....

You H will have to realize that there are certain things that he needs to change.....just like there are things you will need to change. You both created the distance in your M. About the SF, point blank ASK HIM. Why is he not very intimate? Have a long discussion about what you want, what he wants....Odds are it's not because you are not attractive, or he doesn't like it with you. It's entirely possible that he is ashamed of something. Or it may be that your desire levels are different (age difference could play here). There is always a compromise. And maybe you two could talk about ways to spice things up so that you both would be interested.

Do the EN questionairre on here. Also do the LB questionairre. Read all you can, because the educational part will help you rebuild and explore what components made you vulnerable to the A. Explore yourself and your needs - why were you happy in the first place, and why did that change?

There is a lot of work with all this - it's never about one person changing, but about both people changing. And I will be honest - it's not quick. It takes a lot of time. But if you put in the time, effort, and make it all honest, then you really can rebuild into a happy M.

Good luck, Felina

PS - don't wait for others to be strong with you. Be strong for yourself. It will help you build your self confidence back, and you will know that you did it with your own strength - not borrowed strength from others. If you really work at it, you will find a lot of support here on MB.

Thanks again - I talked to my H this morning - he actually loves me so much - he is so willing to do counseling and learn together what we both need to do to make a really strong marriage again. I actually felt just a speck closer to him this morning. It's a start. I start counseling on Tues, and he will follow soon after. I know that it will be hard and am still a little afraid that it can't be totally fixed. I guess I have to take things one day at a time, and just keep positive and keep reminding myself that fixing the M is the best solution. I think, like you said earlier, that the repulsion was because of the A (comparing, you know) and not the actual feeling towards the H.

Just a quick update - I know I only found this website last night, but was on it until 1:00 in the morning (the amount of time I was supposed to be with my OM if I hadn't been caught) I have been on for a few hours again today, and I tell you, my mind has been opened up to a whole new light and perspective - obviously the timing was right, too. If I came on this site a month ago, I would have thought you were all a bunch of fruit cakes (that must be the fog I keep reading about). I shared some of this site with my H, and ordered 4 of the books (it wasn't any more money than I spent on a night in a hotel with OM!) At the moment, anyway, we are both set to take this thing on full force and both emerge champions. I am sure I will have very rough times too, right now, though, I am just enjoying the feeling of being honest again, and having an enjoyable M. Thanks for everything to everyone and all the stories on this site!

Hi Felina

Sounds like your starting on the right path. What LIT said about stop calling is important. I does take a while for the withdraw to happen, and NC is really the best and IMO only route to take. If your H is going to be on the site you might want to try for an agreement on if you want him reading topics you start. I have one with Poe, it could give you a safe place to vent your feelings, pains, worries and such. Not that Poe doesn't share them with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The same goes for your H if he decides to post. I do know that Poe would not like to read some of the vents that I've typed.

Just remember your both in for a rollercoaster ride. Your H will have be down and up. Anger, worry, sorrow, and such.

One thing to remember is recovery is not on a time table, each of you will heal at a different pace. On the days your feeling low or want to call the OM, I would seek out your H, seek his comfort, his support. Ask to be huged, and give him hugs.

Time, Patience and Love.

LIT has given you good advice, and so will others, keep posting, reading, venting and such.

God Bless

Thanks - luckily, my H is not really into using the computer. He would rather vent to his friend (who is not a very possitive influence - he tell's H that he doesn't need me and should get rid of me know!!) That's why I bought all the books - he'd rather read on the couch than at the computer. I just printed out all the questionarres and we are both willing to fill them out and work with them - looking forward to getting the books, too. And, yes, i have decided on the NC, though I am sure it will be very hard - he was a great friend before an A (as, of course, most probably are)

Hi Felina,
I'm glad you've found this place.
Couple of things...
1. Your H's friend that he vents to? Well, it's NOT unusual not to find support for saving the marriage in this disposable age. And, the friend may change if he sees your H becoming more positive as you go through recovery.

2. the age difference and sex- Well, my partner is 16 years my senior, and recently has noticed a decline in the quantity and intensity. We talked about it. Without getting too graphic, things like Viagra are helpful as is finding other ways to sexually please a partner without penile penetration. I'm still grinning like a chesire cat, so something's working!

3. I've got to agree with LIT about calling the OM. There's basic no contact ect, but mainly because it's not doing anything POSITIVE to help you or your marriage. And that's a pretty good standard to live by...does this help me and my marriage? If not, don't do it.
T

Twyla, thanks for your advice. I think that know my H is willing to try some different stuff. I am 30 and he is 54 - I did not understand that women hit there peak in their 30's, not early 20's. Well we both know it's an area to work on.

I haven't called my OM since I've been on this site - that's 3 days. That's a long time at this point - we used to talk twice a day, usually. You guys have been great!

Felina,

How long have you been married? That is a detail that is very important. Your H is 54?? He probably has a good 30 years left in him. You may not realize this but he has a better chance of living another 30 years than you do right now.

You may not know who Strom Thurmond was, but he married his last W at age 62, and she was about 30 perhaps younger I forget. He died at 100, and saw three children grow up and be adults from that marriage.

You are right age differences do make a difference IF YOU ARE NOT ATTUNED TO THEM. But, if you are, then they can be overcome. You are a mother now, so the fact that your H is older and more financially secure can relieve you from a lot of concerns that people your age have.

Work on it and see if you can develop the relationship you want.

God Bless,

JL

We've been married for 4 years. It was his first marriage and his first kids, and yes, I do realize that he is a lot more financially able to care for the kids than a lot of younger couples (that also means I have a lot of extra privileges as well) He actually used to say that I was just spoiled and I should get a real job and see how I like that (I stay at home, raise the 2 kids, and manage a 30 acre horse boarding facility with 35 horses on it...) I always resented his attitude about me being spoiled because I work my a** off around here for what I've got. I am sure he will live a long time, his mom is 84 and in good health. Incidentally, if we were to divorce (and we were strongly thinking about it before I found this web site) he wanted to take the baby (1 1/2 year old daughter), and move all the way across the country to live with her and his mom (he thought that would be beautiful), and leave me with our 3 year old son - is that normal, or is that very strange? Anyway - there was no way I was going to let my daughter go all the way across the country away from me, and have my son grow up without a dad. That's when I decided I better start finding answers.

Today was hard. I couldn't get the OM off my mind. I was REALLY depressed for most of the day. I spent the whole day with my H and the kids and it reminded me why I used to get SOOO irritated at my H in the first place. I just kept reminding myself to breath, and things would get better. I couldn't help but think that if OM were with me (he spent a lot of time with me and the kids) things would be much more pleasant. It is really hard at this point not to do that!!!

Another thing I need advice on - my H is from NY, and my OM is from LA. my H says that he probably won't do anything, but almost wants to pay OM back with a little retribution, not to his face, but something that would let him (OM) know that he (H) knows (and doesn't appreciate what happened.) I really don't think he will, but I have seen his NY side appear a couple times, and it's not very pleasant (nothing illegal or anything like that) I also know that if H got in OM's face, that OM will fight (OM told me that). (he's had a couple bar fights in his day - and OM is stronger and bigger than H). How do I keep my H from doing something bad?

Something that might be helpful..for him and you is to write a no contact letter. There are some examples on the website.

F, you talked about resentment about his assuming you are spoiled. Can you guys talk calmly about this? It's obviously a lovebuster.

JL makes a good point about being attuned to the gap in age in a relationship. We went through a rough patch about a year ago when HE was very depressed about what he figured was in our future. Basically me taking care of him in his old age. He worried about sexual satisfaction, physical activities we enjoy now, gosh, so many things that could "go wrong" in the future, that he wasn't even sure he wanted a future.

Got to take that stuff seriously and explore it..maybe even prepare for it.

The irritablity is pretty darn normal...A's often get compared to addictions. Personally I think many are more like little vacations..ecapes in to fantasy. Well, we all get irritated when we come back from a holiday and back to the daily grind.

The point is that it DOESN'T have to be a grind. Working on your relationship IS hard, but it has it's rewards. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
T

Felina you may want to take Twyla's advice about sitting down with your H and calmly, respectfully and quietly express to him how the things he did today got on your nerves. You must let him know that you're going through withdrawl from the OM and that his actions do not help ease that withdrawl. Acknowledge to him that old habits are hard to break but that it is worth doing so if it helps you fall back in love with him.

<small>[ November 25, 2003, 12:09 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>