I am new to the Marriage Builders Site. I live in Australia.
My story is as follows: I have been married for 24 years. I knew early on, about 2 years that that my WS may have been having A's, but I trusted her. I also suspect now that my WS had my son by another man & covered it up. She is always mentioning that my son looks like me more than my daughter. I actually think my daughter looks more like me than my son looks like me. He is taller than everyone in our family. He has different skin type to me & my daughter, we tan easy & he doesn't & only burns. I let it go until recently that my WS was adamant that my daughter looked nothing like me & I can see the likeness in her from my father. Other times did not add up as it turned out, & I started to suspect she was playing around on me. The story continues as about 7 years ago I noticed changes in my WS, gave up going to church, saying queer things like if she saw a a new bride in a car she would say "Look at those stupid people". If I told her "I love you" she would reply "I know you do" & the oldy "I love you but I am not in love with you". She organised a 40th birthday party for me, inviting all my past & present people I work with. Everyone was there, except my WS. She was seen leaving the party by 3 different people with the other person (our gardener it turned out to be). I had not noticed her leave, but I did miss her when it came time to serve food to everyone. It got to 4:39am in the morning & I climbed into bed, only to find her in bed, saying "She had been raped by someone at the party". I asked her if she wanted to report it, she said "no". I left it at that. She wanted to leave & packed her bags into the car. It was a complete surprise. I told her I did not want her to leave & she came back with "I should do more around the house" She became interested in the internet, at her suggestion we got cable internet. I used to walk in & she would close windows on the screen quickly, saying "Nothing is going on". I proved that wrong as I suspected something going on & installed a Keylogger. I confronted her later when she was going to meet at a hotel in our city. I told her of all the evidence I had collected & I had her cold. She said it "Fantasy" but then later said she was leaving again, exactly like the first time. I told her "Go". That was 2 years ago. Last November, I found out about the episode at my party from one of the people that attended the party. I confronted her. She then went into the bedroom & slammed the door shut. She came out in the morning & said "She only wanted me". Since that day she has come out to me & said "I have done some things in my life that I am not prod off". She did not elaborate any further.

She has not confessed or admitted anything & got mad at me last ime I said something to her. She wrote me a note saying "Forget about the past & build a bridge to move on". What I am worried about is that she has not been Honest with me. She will not tell me the EN's that I may have missed out on to make her doo these things. If she will not tell me what I missed out. We will come down the same again & another A will occur.

My question is How or what can I do to get her to be Honest & Open up to me. If she will not be honest, I cannot trust her. I certainly do not Forgive her & will never ever forget the events of the past.

Ozman - That was quite a birthday party. Start with Plan A. Read all about it here. John 39 has some links, and also Too Much Coffee Man, or you can search under Plan A. Your W is like all the rest, does not want to talk about what happened, just wants to pretend like things are fine. There is also an EN questionaire here that she might fill out. Another good source is the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It talks about "the message of the Affair." It gives a list of messages that need to be figured out so it does not keep happening. Stick with us here, get on Plan A, and your marriage can be better than ever.

Thanks for that info Believer:I think I am away with Plan A now. She is over in Malaysia for 2 weeks with our D. She says she loves & misses me.

Do you ever think she will have the conscience to come clean & ask for my forgivness? She never actually left home after I told her to go.

She never even told me she had Breast cancer earlier on & struggled with it. It has re-ocurred & her words if I ask her any thing about it were "I will leave a note on the refrigerator if I have to change my will" Is that a sane answer?

I keep on getting these re-ocurring nightmares that she is having an A again. It is like being hit with a baseball bat.

I will try to follow Plan A for a while & follow with all the other suggestions.

Once again Thank You

Ozman

Ozman,

if i can just share my opinions,,,
my W also will not admit to any A. To me, it really doesn't matter. Overall, i doupt that it would change anything, other than bringing up the pain associated with the A again, you know?

We discussed this a few months ago, as i shared with her i believe in the "Open Heart Policy," and that i didn't want to go in reverse.
Some BS's actually "need" to know,as they also need the events actually spelled out, detail by detail, where there are some, who don't. As you can tell, i don't.
Some get over it, and some never do.

Its more important to stride forward, learning to do whats required, so as this sort of thing be prevented. Meeting & Fulfilling each others EN's.

For quite awhile, i kept hearing from stbxw, "you don't know me." This left me concerned about maybe she wanted to talk about the A. I e-mailed her, asked a few questions about it, and ended with , "I forgive you."
I haven't heard no more,,, as God does tell us adultry can be grounds for forgiving, and not divorce.

"IF" we recover our marriage, there may be a day in the future where she will want/need to come clean, but she doesn't owe that to me,,,

All i have recieved from stbxw, "i didn't answer the door, all i've done was go to house to dogsit, and i almost placed a PPO against him, for he's sick, drunk and weird."

This guy ran around saying how he loved my W, and he wanted to marry her,,,,

Regards to your nightmares,,, one thing that may work, VENT!!! but write it in the sand at the waters edge! Don't slander you W in any way, to anybody. It never works/helps.

Purchase a notebook, and write! write! and write! some more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I will leave a note on the refrigerator if I have to change my will" Is that a sane answer?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm wondering, Did this leave you feeling offended? Was there maybe a different answer you were looking/needing from her? Were/are you bothered by this response? Is it worth it?
Could her response have been worse?

At this time, whats more important?

just trying to help,,,

stephan

Thanks Stephen.

I did ask her about a month ago, did she have anything to say about the A. She then said "It never happened" total denial. If I printed out the EN's & showed her she would throw it in the bin & say "Adultery crap". She did this with anything on A's that I showed her.

I think in my heart she knows she did wrong but wants to move forward. But my problem is, if we do move forward, what are the EN's I might have missed out on, she did not let me know about the Breast Cancer she was suffering. In fact she hid it from me. She used to take out Daughter to ballet at night. She would drop D off at ballet & then go to the Dr.

How am I supposed to know if I do not have a clue this is going on.

quote:

I'm wondering, Did this leave you feeling offended? Was there maybe a different answer you were looking/needing from her? Were/are you bothered by this response? Is it worth it?
Could her response have been worse?

At this time, whats more important?

Yes it did offend me, I seemed to her to be on the outside of this M. I just was there to earn the money & for her to have her own life.

I was looking for an answer that would somehow she want me to be big part of her struggle & try to be a support with the disease.

The response does bother me as I would have expected more of an answer that she wanted me to help & care for her if needed. Just be there for her.

My reasoning is, she does not want to talk about the A & wants to put it all behind her. But if we don't pick up the EN's I may have or did miss, we are going to be back to square one again. She does not want it brought up ever again.

If I could even get to open a little bit & even acknowledge she had the A. Which I know now was going on behind my back, because things just didn't add up.

I need to know what made her do it? What didn't I do to please her? (EN's). If she does not acknowledge the A, then she is putting herself in the open to have an A again. I know she has had one night stands before, but if it happens again it will kill me.

I would rather know than not know. I can then say to myself. These are the points I missed. Do the ENQ, see how & what she rates highly & concentrate on them, not forgetting the lower ones. It would be a very helpful guide to me to be a better H.

But if I don't know where I went wrong, it will start all over again, because I feel I have not cured the symptoms, that provided the opportunity for the A to eventuate & progress to where it did.

The A was with a single man that was engaged to do gardening & paving work. I think it is over (I don't really know because - It supposedly did not happen)

Thanks for the comments though they are helpful in trying to move on.

Peter.

Cross the fingers.