After a good weekend, my H and I are having major problems today. He is having a bad day ... withdrawal. But he WON'T talk to me. He won't share his feelings with me. He says "I have never done that."

Why could he share them with her and can't with me? Am I such a f******g freak? I'm trying to be open with him. Sh** I let him take his own sweet time trying to end it with her. I could have just said I'm outta here ... but I didn't!

I am not judgmental (at least I don't think I am ... he has never told me that anyway). I have tried to be understanding.

What is wrong with me??
How do I get him to share his feelings with me and be comfortable??
I don't usually yell at him...only cry, but today I yelled.

Help me!!!

I know it probably isn't comforting to you, but I think that when he is having a bad withdrawal day, he might need space for a bit - It looks like this is all pretty fresh. I am the one going through the withdrawal in my situation, and it's like getting off a bad drug - at some moments I am totally fine and committed to the M, and 15 minutes later, usually in the evening, or when something will bring up a memory, I turn into a total witch!!! It is so painful that I can hardly stand it. The last thing I want at that time is for my H to get in my face and try to get my feelings out of me. I just tell him I'm fine and walk away - obviously not the best option, but that's were I'm at right now. then I talk to him about it when those withdrawal feelings go away. Just thought it would be helpful hearing from someone in your H's shoes. I look back and realize that some of the things I said to my H during the whole ordeal were pretty cruel and extremely insensitive. I know that you are going through a ton of pain yourself - but be strong and keep posting new stuff - I found it's very comforting to vent on this site.

This is a normal response. He is the one that has hurt you so deeply, and you are trying to get him to open up. He won't until he is ready. Hard to face but the reality is that he is in deep withdrawal, and they go ballistic soooo.... easily. When my x was in withdrawal, he would sit on the computer here at MB and type for 3 to 4 hours. Even the Harleys said he was obsessed. They even banned him after a time. Cause he posts about demeaning marriages, instead of building marriages up. He still does that in MB here. Just recently, he was told to quit putting marriages down.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are lost in this circle that keeps going around and around. You know you have lost your husband, and that you are trying to do everything to get him back. But he doesn't do anything to get you back. Duh~~~!!!! sound familiar. Yep, the withdrawal, and the betrayed spouse trying too hard. I stayed too, and I should of done what the Harleys told me to do. Tell him get out of the house in 12 hours. One time we were counseling with the Harleys, and they told my X to pack up now and get out. I felt sorry for my X, but now I see that my X used me, and was playing with me. He had his other woman on the other side, and me begging for him to come back. I wish and should of told him, yep XXXX get out now.

Don't become a doormat to the one who betrayed you. Your feelings are natural, you are lost, lonesome, full of self-pity, and begging for him to come back. Sit back, give him some distance, but don't cater to him. Get boundaries set, and stick with your boundaries. He is playing you, using you, and trying to see how far you will go. My X wrote on MB that he could ask me to do anything and I would. Which was probably true. It hurts to this day to have had him write that. But that was what was happening. I did everything he asked without ?'s.

Take and do something for yourself. And maybe go out with a friend. Show him that you still have friends, and family.

He doesn't want to open up to you, cause he still cares about her. He is going to open when he chooses, and when that time comes, listen. I listened, and then used it against him later in heated argument. Don't do that. Yes, I was hurting deeply like you are. But I am learning and basically don't say much about his sexual affair. He is the one that has to tell whomemever he finds a life with, that yes he had sex with a women that was not suited to be with. She had 2 for sure sexual affairs in her marriage, one with a minister of her church. Give him time, but don't be a doormat, and set your boundaries hon. I would advice counseling for the two of you, or if he doesn't want to go, for yourselve.

SBAB,

I can only imagine how hard it is to go through the withdrawl and not being able to help him with it. BUT, YOU HAVE COME SO VERY FAR LATELY, THAT I would hate to see you LB and have all your progress flushed down the drain and back to ground zero.

Like I said, I haven't gotten to your milestone YET, (hopefully, prayerfully I will SOON), but please, pray to God for PATIENCE, UNDERSTANDING, DIRECTION AND GUIDANCE AND ALSO A LOVING GENTLE HEART AND MOUTH/VOICE.

Take care and I will keep you in my prayers Stung.

FF

Hi SBAB,

This is always a problem, when to push and when to back off a little. I've done both. To Poe it sometimes seemed I was pushing to hard, the more I pushed(pursued) the more she would retreat. I might suggest that you offer to help, and tell your H you love him and that your there for him. Then just hug him, touch is so amazing for healing. It took a while for Poe to start opening up, a little at first then more and more.

Time, Patience and Love. Try to avoid yelling, and just work on his EN's, the ones you know. Only a little will get through, but its good to get in the habit.

Silverthorn, as I was reading the responses from the others, I was thinking about what I would write back. I was going to say that after I posted here yesterday, we had a very good conversation. He still isn't able to open up to me completely, but I think he's getting closer. He said that it bugs him when I hug him when he's having a bad day. I told him that when I'm having a bad day that is what I need. I guess Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

He keeps reiterating to me that he wasn't looking for an affair. He wasn't looking for anyone else. That our marital problems were there before and these are two separate issues. We had a "good" marriage before, but we weren't truly honest with each other; weren't total partners and best friends.

Felina, thanks for your words. I know that I need to be the one to walk away when I see that he's having a rough time. Giving him space is exactly the right thing. So after those withdrawal feelings passed, what kinds of things did you say to your husband? Did you have a "good" marriage before the A? Were you open with each other and best friends?

Faith, funny you should mention going out with friends. Since initially it was going to be "his" weekend with the kids here, I had planned to stay in a hotel. Then I invited my friends out for the evening. A few days before Saturday, they all decided to stay. Had a great time!

ff, I know I need to concentrate on no LBs. I did LB yesterday. Talked about it with husband. He understands. He's actually glad I'm angry sometimes with him and tell him about it. I've always avoided confrontation and would let things slide. That is something I am working on. I need to be more open and not worry that he'll be upset with me for telling him how I feel about something he has done or said or didn't do, etc. Prayer has made my heart at peace. I really believe that my prayers are being answered. It still remains to be seen how our marriage ends up. I know God will guide me in what I need to do. He has put people in my life for a reason. He will answer my prayers the best way he sees fit.

My husband will be going to Thanksgiving with us. I have soooo much to be thankful for!

So many thoughts in my head again and I don't want to wear everyone's eyes and brains out posting too long of posts. Will check back in again later.

Stung by a a bee, I think you and I are in the same space right now and its nice to hear someone else is going through it although I'm sorry you are dealing with it. I'm feeling the same doubts, questions and wondering if we are doing the right things also.

And in fact your question helped explain something. Recently our C told me that I need to dig deeper because when I ask WS "whats wrong?" or whatever, he gives me the "I'm tired" speech. I know its something more and WS and I have always given surface stuff and I want more. But when I ask for deeper, WS gets "uncomfortable" in fact he has said to me "I love the new person you are becoming, except I hate it when you try to dig so deep" lol These responses to you have helped me realize that partly I have to wait until he's ready and that its part of the process.

I probably like you would just like a time frame when will he start opening up to me?, when will he stop thinking of her?, when when when. lol.
km4
me 39
ws 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend
dd 6/26/01

Hey

I can understand both of you because I've seen my W "want" some of the things you want from your H from me. I have also felt like I was on the line and needed to "deliver" some goods that I wasn't ready to deliver. I can't speak for your S and his reluctance to step up and share his feelings I just know that there is something that holds me back when some issues start getting too close. I think that much of it has to do with the view we have of our wives and being not sure of just how to put our feelings into words that will not be destructive. If he is like me the feelings he has for the OW are so very strong that admitting to them carries a fear that those feelings may drive our spouses away. We are confused because we still have these feelings. I have much to say about this and plan to go back to my "what is love thread" and see if I can come up with a clear idea worth publishing here on this board.
H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think that much of it has to do with the view we have of our wives and being not sure of just how to put our feelings into words that will not be destructive. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, my husband says he feels if he tells me some of his innermost thoughts and feelings that I will be hurt. At this point, I have been so hurt and he is afraid right now. I hope that this will pass once withdrawal begins to wane.

I would like to get some more feedback from WS regarding if the A was not the root of the problem, i.e. was your relationship just OK? My H has thought for a long time that things weren't right. He says he had been wondering for quite some time if we should stay together. Then this thing with her happened. He's still saying that the A is not the problem, that it is our relationship that is the problem.

SBAB, My M was a fairytale until our second child was born. I married into two successful businesses, and a 30 acre horse ranch - a dream I'd always had. Four years of constant pushing for more progress on my husband - constant projects, more money, more money, more money... (even though we were going backwards in the pursuit) and then add two children 22 months apart on top of that and we were emotionally so far apart (to me) that I couldn't see him. Of course, he's rather complacent about the relationship and until the last couple months, he thought we were still in a fairy tale. I had tried numerous times to let him know that the M was failing, but he couldn't see it. In the meantime, OM moved into an apartment on our property - which I helped OM remodel. He (OM) also helped me remodel some of my house - mostly with M at work - classic making of a A. By the time things started, I had consciously given up on my H being any more responsive to me, and even admitting we have issues and working on them. I was already considering separation - having a couple living spaces on our property made it a handy thought to consider. What really made it hard is that I have the nicest H in the world - allows me to do anything I want - obviously not anymore! So that's me story. He (H) actually hasn't even pushed me much to know details, feelings, etc. I don't think he wants to know - he just wants to forget about it and move on. In a way, he still gives me too much space. Some days I like that, some days I think "this is exactly what lead me to here in the first place." My withdrawal is usually at night, when he's asleep anyway. I wake up and can't fall asleep again - that's when I've been coming and getting on this site to give me strength.

Hey Stung,

I was wondering how things were going.

My W really had a hard time telling me how she felt and what she was thinking about for quite a while after d-day. But I can tell you there was one thing that God told me plain as day. I needed to be a safe place for her to talk when she wanted to. So, one day I siad to her; "you can tell me anything, and I mean ANYTHING." She didn't at first, but there were days I just knew she was struggling with it all and always asked her how she was doing. The first time she shared something with me, it started out like this. She said; "I hate you for changing. It would have been so much easier if you remained the way you were." "Don't you understand? I have no feelings for you!"

I really wasn't ready for that, but God reminded me that I had to be safe. So I didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. Then I told her that I was sorry for my part in hurting her so much that she felt the way she did about me. And I loved her more than she may ever know. From there she started to tell me about how much she thought about OM, and she fantisized about what their life (W & OM) would be like. I didn't say a word. Didn't LB, didn't make her feel bad and validated her feelings. Told her I understood how she could feel that way.

No, it wasn't the easiest I've ever done but I knew I needed to be safe for her in order for her to be able to open up.

Just remember, his feelings, no matter how wrong they are/were, are still valid feelings. I know that might hurt to hear; it sure hurt me to when I understood the reality that my W had given her love to another man (And was still in love with him).

When he feels you might actually be safe to talk to, then it's just "time and consistancy" after that. He'll open up more.

Hope this has helped some.

Blessings to you.

S&C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had tried numerous times to let him know that the M was failing, but he couldn't see it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">felina, that's what my husband said. I didn't really "hear" him. He would say he didn't think we communicated with each other ... now I think he meant connected. He said he and OW connected at a higher level. Don't know if I'm explaining this correctly.

steadfast, good to hear from you. I have let my husband know that he can talk to me about anything at anytime. He has told me many things about the affair, but I'm looking to make that connection with him. I want to have a relationship at a higher level ... not the same as them, but our own higher level. This is what I'm searching for and I think he is also.

He does say that he loves me and one time said that he is in love with me. He wants to make our marriage better, but isn't sure that we are going to be able to do that.

Guess I'm looking to find a couple who has:
had a "good" marriage
but didn't really communicate inner thoughts and feelings
affair happened
affair ended
were able to make a real connection with each other