The woman in question works with my husband. I want to see her in person. I don't necessarily want to meet her. I just want to see her. I think I have blown her way out of poporotion in my mind. I have turned her into Super Woman or something. I saw her high school year book picture but, that was 22 years old. My husband says she reminds him of Elle Mac Pherson. He says that I am prettier and have a much better figure. I also have less wrinkles than her even though I am almost 7 years older than her. I know I shouldn't care but, it driving me crazy when ever I see a strange woman that fits her description and I wonder if it is her. I feel that if I finally got to see her in the flesh that it would answer many haunting questions for me. My husband has told me time and time again that it wasn't about sex and that they didn't sleep with each other for a very long time. He says that sex with me is the best it can get as far as sex goes. I am still very confussed.<P>So have any of you out there gone out of your way to see the OP? <P>I also know where she lives thanks to the computer and have a map to her house. I don't really want to go that route or make a scene. That will just give her an excuse to talk to my husband.<P>Could everyone post here to and tell me the length of time it took for their mates to get over the OP?<P>Love yah all,<P>------------------<BR>Samantha

Could you just stop by his work and see her? How long ago did the affair end? When did you find out about it? Yes, I know what h's OW looks like because I knew her. He made us socialize (double date with her and her fiance). I REALLY can't see the attraction (except for the big breasts!!! I guess some men don't see beyond those.). You are right not to force a confrontation. Maybe stopping by his work would allow you to see her without having to talk to her or go to her house.

I saw her and I don't get it! She also works with my H. She is 13 yrs younger than I am, about 5'4" (same as I am) but I am 110lbs and I bet her thighs are larger than my waist. She is "redneck" acting and speaking (I can say this, I am from Alabama). My H is very educated, bright and fit, has worked out 3 times per week for at least 10 years.<BR>I bet you would be relieved and shocked if you saw your OW. Your mind plays tricks telling you how great she must look if she stole his attention but as Dr. H says in his book, most wives are shocked and can't figure the attraction.<BR>I don't know about it but seeing her may be a relief even though it is not the best thing in all cases. It puts life to your thoughts but it may help you get over it.<BR>Is there a way you can have a friend take you where they work when they get off and look from the car? Would you know enough to know it was her? I say have a friend take you so no one notices your car.<BR>Give it serious thought, ask your self what your motivation is and what the outcome could be for you?<p>[This message has been edited by Smith (edited May 12, 1999).]

I saw my H's "near-OW" because I wanted to see her. I didn't ever want to run into her and him together and give him the chance to hide her and say she's a client.

Same here, saw her and couldn't figure out for the life of me what the attraction was. I guess my H's type is uneducated, unattractive, speed freak. I am totally the opposite. Maybe he can't understand a word I'm saying. All kidding aside, go see her if you have to. It doesn't really help matters as this affair stuff is a process. It gets easier as time goes by. As far as the H getting over the OW, it takes however long it takes. Keep your chin up and keep your sense of humor.

I've seen H's OW - she's quite pretty, a lot thinner than me (and I'm not big), but I don't feel intimidated by that.<P>Just one warning, after seeing her you might be able to put a face to the name, and the images. You don't want to start imagining the things they did. I haven't seen this OW since I found out about the affair, that is intentional, I don't want to make my memory of her any fresher than it is.

Samantha,<P>By all means go to his office to visit him and you could get a peak as well. I really believe that since I knew who this woman was that my H had his emotional affair with, it helped me get past it. If I was always wondering what she looked like or who she was, I would always be concerned if I ever saw him talking to another woman wondering if it were her etc. You know what I mean. It will at least help you in your mind and that is what matters. My H ended his 2 month emotional affair 5 months ago and we have been on the healing path since then. We are doing great! It will take some time to get past this - but 5 months later and we are happier than ever. Everyone is different though - I dont' know your story - but I will tell you that it gets easier with time and effort on both you and your husband's parts.<P>Good luck to you!

Samantha,<P>I, too, had a burning need to lay eyes on OW. And for very much the same reasons others have mentioned. If my H and I ever ran into her on the street, I wanted to know what she looked like.<P>She is a bank teller, so one day I went to the branch where she works and took a good, long look at her. What I saw was a plain, nothing-special type of woman behind the counter! She doesn't hold a candle to me! And that helped, because I was imagining she was much more than what she truly was. In addition, having spoken to her on the phone, I already knew she was uneducated, and inarticulate. It's amazing how we envision the OP to be better or above us, when in many cases they don't even come close. <P>Like Nerlycrzy's H said, "it's not about looks." My H confirmed this. His words, "she offered and was available. It didn't matter what she looked like." <BR>I'm sorry, but a man would have to have looked like he just stepped off the cover of GQ, been a multi-millionaire, oh, and would have had to be head over heels in love with me and ready to marry me on the spot in order for me to have even considered risking everything I had for him. Ahh, but we know guys like that are hard to find. Maybe even impossible. Thus, why I wasn't unfaithful. <P>------------------<BR>No one said this was going to be easy.<BR>

LaurieC...was your husband in love with this other woman? How long did the affair last? My husband has been seeing this woman near 2 years. He says it wasn't about sex that he has had the best of that with me. He says it wasn't about looks that it was about companionship and enjoying spending time together. This woman works with my husband in a GM factory. They are in the same department. The only way I can see her is to go to the plant and stay in the parking lot and hope to catch a glimpse of her, or to go to her house. I am so confussed and no it isn't easy. <P>How are you and your husband doing? It has only been 10 weeks but, feels like 10 years. Last night I asked him if it was getting easier on him with his feelings for her. He said in a few small ways yes but it many ways no because my discovery took her away from him.<P>I just don't know what to do?<P>Thanks all for responding, <P>------------------<BR>Samantha

My H had always told me his "friend" was a "big woman" and "butch."<P>Well, she is kind of butch looking, but she's thinner than I am, she can wear jeans and I can't, but she still has hooters. <P>I was totally intimidated. All I saw was THIN! THIN! THIN! THIN! And I've been a wreck ever since.<P>Instead of setting my mind at ease, meeting her just made me feel worse.<P>But I'll have lots of time to see her in June, he wants to have a barbecue and invite all his old work friends, so I'll be slaving in the kitchen while she's outside flirting with my H in front of all the neighbors.

Samantha,<P>If you decide to do this, definitely take a friend with you. It may surprise you the emotions you feel and if she sees you and knows who you are, depending on the situation you may be surprised by her reaction.<P>I went by myself to see the OW after work. Parked close to her car so I could see her. She knew who I was instantly--had seen a picture of me in my H. office and recognized the car (he drove it frequently). She absolutely lost it when she saw me. Came right over to confront me--and started yelling at me. It was awful and I was no longer in control of the situation--the emotions I was feeling just made me freeze--here I was 1 foot away from the person that had played such a major part in absolutely shattering by world. <P>It had been about 2 weeks since my H. had told her he wanted to try and work on our relationship. I didn't stop to think about how she would react if/when she saw me. I am still dealing with the things she said to me that day. The worst part was when she calmed down and she tried to make herself an equal with me, like my H. owed her the same respect and commitment that he promised me--she started saying things like 'he lied to me too', 'he promised to be with me', 'he said he loved me too'...Those words hurt soooo much It only got worse from that point on.<P>This was one experience I never want to repeat and I will always wish I had never given her the chance to tell me those things --she was so self-righteous and was trying to redeem herself and justify her actions and feelings.<P>Just do a better job than I did of preparing yourself to handle any situation that might occur and be prepared to deal with the feelings afterward.<P>Nola<p>[This message has been edited by NOLA (edited May 12, 1999).]

I met the OW at a party about 1 1/2 years ago, months before the affair started. I saw her interest in my H at that time, but didn't bring it to his attention since he seemed oblivious. The irritating thing is he thinks he chased HER, but she was after him for months. The OW is very attractive, tall, thin, hip-length blonde hair (oh the desire to shave her head!). I was a short, cuddly red-head (much thinner & blonder now, but I became blonde before I knew who she was). I'm much prettier, but she was "uncharted territory and a new conquest". Ugh. I just hate her so much and often want to go to her office and just sit there because I doubt she would recognize me. <P>I agree with Nola, be prepared to hear words like those.<p>[This message has been edited by Lor (Lor) (edited May 12, 1999).]

Nola,<P>Wow! I'd never thought of that possibility. I don't think she would know who I am. She has never seen a picture of me to my knowledge. My husband says she hasn't seen a picture of me or our daughter. So far he hasn't really lied to me.<P>I don't think she could say anything that I haven't said to myself or that my husband has said to me.<P>I want to take a friend but, would prefer my husband just point her out to me. He won't so far. I have to have someone with me because I don't trust what I might do.<P>My husband has told me physical things about her that aren't appealing and would hurt her greatly if she knew. It hurts me to know these things as it shows how much he loves her. Despite the fact that she isn't his type.<P>She is 40 I am 46 and I look younger than her. He says she is more wrinkly.<P>I ask him all the time how I look and he says fine or what ever and then says it isn't about looks.<P>It isn't about sex either. He says sex with me is and has always been the best.<P>It is about her meeting his emotional needs when I wasn't. Now I am. Still he loves her. <P>The more I read these posts the less I feel there is a chance her. Dr. H says most marriages reconcile. I haven't read many success stories. Is it because once we reach the success stage we no longer post.<P>Going to end this before I go into another subject. <P><P>------------------<BR>Samantha

Samantha,<P>If you are not sure what you will do or how you will react--be sure to have someone with you or try and see her in a public place where it would be very, very difficult to have a 'scene'.<P>You mentioned the emotional needs she was meeting that you weren't. Has your H. identified those for you? Are you working or making a special effort towards meeting those needs?<P>My H. also would not 'point' her out to me. I did know her name and was able to find out what vehicle she drives and I just had to wait on her to leave. It was really strange but when she walked out the office door, I just knew it was her. He had never described her, not even the color of her hair. Every part of me just started shaking and was doing my best not to breakdown in tears. I guess that was the only thing that went right--I didn't let her see me cry. <P>There are so many things I would like to say to her now, now that the initial shock of putting a face to one of the participants in my nightmare has worn off. But I do not ever want to see her face again. I did see her from a distance one other time, I came to H. office to take him to lunch. She glanced at me but turned and walked to the other way.<P>Nola<P>

<BR>Samantha, I assume from your username that your from Michigan, I am too. Is it something in the water supply here? I also see that your H works for GM, Mine is a corrections officer with State. I have talked to OW on phone and she stated several times that at the prison where they work, they are all like family to each other, and I truly believe that contributed to the affair, although I would like to know exactly what "family" member she was trying to be! I have seen OW drive by, I didn't get a very good look, and I wish I had. I have all kinds of issues with the whole appearance thing and I go back and forth on whether I want to really see her or not.. I have talked to her and I have to say It didn't help at all! She lied of course and at some points I almost was convinced. It just made me more confused and more hurt about some things. The only thing it did do was kind of give me the leverage with my H to be able to say "That woman is nuts" and he actually agreed, He had been sort of defending her up until then. I don't know what to tell you except follow your heart.<BR>Has you H given you alot of details about the relationship? I just wonder if you really want a face to put with the visual mage of you H and someone else, I have alot a details and I just don't know if I really want to picture my H with this woman. Hey we probably live close enough, we should just make a date and go OW hunting together!<BR>Wouldn't that be fun!

I too would like to see the OW. I am scared to death that I will never be able to get her face out of my mind once I see her, but it is also so difficult for me to go out anywhere. I am constantly wondering "Is that her?". I have asked my H to tell me who she is if we are ever in the same place she is, and he hesitantly agreed. I am always so scared that everyone he talks to is "her". I'm not sure which is worse: knowing or constantly guessing.

I, too, had to see her. My daughter was with me. She had heard us argue about her and was curious. When my daughter saw her she said, "Mom, she is dog ugly." I have to admit it made me feel pretty good. My H still admits only to a "frienship" with her. That is supposedly over now. He said she was someone he could drink a few beers with and talk to. He had never indcated that he couldn't talk to me.<P>Now I have ruined it because she went to the police with a harrassment complaint and in that stated that they were having an affair. I guess he chewwd her out for that. He hates the police. Anyway Saturday he told me he could never go there again. You can imagine how badly I felt.<P>She is nothing like me. She is maybe 10-15 years younger but looks my age, small breasted and wide in the butt. (not his type at all). And uneducatred trash. She lives in the projects. I still don't get it. I doubt I ever will.<P>Good luck looking. I am glad I saw her. When he told me I was prettier I didn't believe him. After I saw her I at least knew he told the truth about that.

Samantha,<P>To answer your questions, no, praise God, my H was not in love with the OW. In fact, he had already dumped her 9 months prior to the time I found out about the affair. So, there has been no withdrawal or longing for the OW whatsoever. The affair onlylasted for 4 months. My H says just the opposite of what your H says. Mine says it was just about sex. (Our sex life was nonexistent at the time leading up to the affair.) He did say that it wasn't about looks, though. She made herself available and was willing, and he thought the opportunity for free, noncommitment sex sounded like a good idea. It didn't take him long to see that the sex, like any sex, wasn't free after all. She began becoming demanding and wanted him to tell her he loved her. He dumped her flat, using the excuse that they needed to do the right thing. Of course he was lying to her, because he did nothing for the next 9 months except try to cover it up and do some damage control. <P>It has been a little over a year that my H and I have recommitted to rebuilding our marriage. And yes, it does get a little easier as time does heal the wounds. My H and I are doing very well, with some bad days here and there, but overall, we both consider ourselves blessed. <P>Ten weeks is not a lot of time. Be easy on yourself. Your H sounds like he still needs time to really see the affair for what it really was..... b.s. Are you guys in counseling? It really helped us a great deal. In fact, it jumpstarted our communication in the right direction from day one. I highly recommend it for that purpose.<P>As for going to see the OW, I like the suggestions others have made about not going alone. I didn't. It was way too much of a nerve-wracking experience to go alone. So, I took a good friend with me. Another reason you want someone to go is to have an eye-witness on hand should the situation get out of control. Just like another poster stated, it is possible the OW may know what you look like and try to confront you. She will think twice if you are not alone.<P>Tough decision, but weigh all your options and try to think what will be best for you and your situation. Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>No one said this was going to be easy.<BR>

I went to visit the OM at the gym where he works. he is 14 years younger than me. i'm 42, he's 28 and MW is 33. i'm not sure what i was thinking but it was the day after i found out his name (broke into MW's voicemail). i already knew where he worked, but i just didn't know who he was. <BR>i went because i wanted to look him in the eye and let him know who the other person involved in this affair was. it was something i had to do, to confront this person in a non threatening way. it felt good especially because he was not exactly what i had conjured up in my mind. we spoke very calmly for 15 minutes and i left. i told him that i loved MW very much and i intended to stay with her.<BR>there are things i wish i would have said but i'm very proud of the fact that i kept my cool (hence the name) and got a chance to see what i was up against, so to speak.

Sherrilyn,<P>Interesting concept, and I have tended to agree with this theory from the start. I think that often self-esteem issues on both sides really help thrust the two people into an affair. In my case, the OW wasn't really bad looking, she wasn't overweight or underweight, but like many OW's she was nothing special. Definitely not a head turner by any means. But more importantly than her looks to other people, obviously she must've felt unbeautiful to herself. I say this because it is my theory is that very few really beautiful, classy women with a lot of confidence and high self-esteem would allow themselves to be treated in the manner many OWs are treated. What I mean by that is, I just can't see a really beautiful woman allowing the MM to take her to cheap motels and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am her all within a couple of hours or agree to performing sex acts in dark parking lots. That is so low-class, in my opinion, and I don't think women with a lot going for them would agree to be treated like this. I think that behavior speaks volumes for how the OW regards herself.<P>On my H's side, when I ask my H what kinds of things they talked about, he relates only superficial, surface-type, well, b.s. to put it bluntly. Nothing profound, nothing intellectual, nothing of any depth. Most of their conversations consisted of her telling him how great he was, how good looking he was, how nice he was, how good he looked in his uniforms, (he's a police officer), and how much better he was than her H. Yes, she poured it on with extra helpings! Her objective was to make him feel like a million bucks. And it did work, for like 5 minutes, until he saw what he'd have to pay (his heart, his love) in exchange for the sex and compliments. He didn't want to pay that check, so he dumped her flat.<P>Another amazing thing to me is that my H didn't even know the basic personal information that I feel most people find out about each other on the first two dates. I guess that's because what they did can't really be called dating per se. But he didn't even know when her birthday was, where she was born, where she grew up, how many brothers/sisters she had, her favorite color, etc, etc. He knew basically nothing at all about her personal life. Simply amazing.<P>------------------<BR>No one said this was going to be easy.<BR>