Hello friends.
I am sitting here crying, realizing it is time for me to let HIM go.

When I met the other man, he was sick and dying.
I am a nurse and through the miracle of a transplant, he got better...(He lives 4 miles away. We live in the country.)
Our friendship grew and grew and became a passionate love affair.

I have been married for 35 years. My husband doesn't know and I just refuse to tell him, I just WON'T AND CAN'T.

This lovly man and I talked for several hours on the phone for 10 entire years so now there is such a huge void in my heart and in my time...We met occassionly and made exciting love.

Now, he has found someone to share his life with and it is time for me to let him go instead of occassionaly e-mailing and talking with him once a month. We actually shared a kiss last week when I brought over a key and his 'new sweetie' wasn't there. They are living together, they are in their 50's, not kids and he is so happy to have found someone that he loves (he loves me too but couldn't have me as I would never leave my husband and wouldn't want my grown children to ever find out)

As I was reading the messages to Sally, I do see the resemlance to drug addiction. It is SO HARD to let this beautiful friendship go but I am going to have to.

God only knows, how it is breaking my heart to think of never again sharing intimate caring conversations with him. but it is going to just have to be that way or my marriage will continue to be on hold...And for his sake with his partner that he is planning on spending the rest of his life with.

My husband hasn't a clue. We get along good. I do not have the passionate feelings for him that I had for the other man but maybe I could if I worked on it.
I know I would never want to lose my husband and I want to grow old with him.

Thanks people for your advice, it is GOOD!
Love, Sarie

WEll Sarie, Iam beginning to listen to people here and understand that it has to be this way.

I am so devestated...I know where you are at. To NEVER have those moments together, I dont know how I will cope.

I am sitting here crying too...so TEMPTED to email, to say "hi". I just want him to acknowledge that he is there, that he is hurting. I have not writeen his since Friday at 1pm. HE hasnt responded, now it is Monday, late afternoon, still nothing. I am petrified in my life, I will no have him again. I relied to heavily on him to make me happy at times where it whould have been my husband doing that.

God I wnat to email RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Sarie try to stick around here and maybe these wonderful people can help us get through this time.

This is so hard, and you are not alone.

Sally.

I am crying also, Sally.
HE filled such a big part of my heart, there is such a void without talking to him everyday.

My special friend found someone so he will not be alone; yours is trying to be the husband he should be.

I agree with you that we are getting really good advice here at this message board.

I just e-mailed this little note to HIM, I wanted him to know I am letting him go.

" I am glad you have found someone to share your life with; my tears have finally STOPPED! Yea!
It feels good to be on the right path in my life again...Of course we'll always miss one another but it will be ok. "

But my tears have not really stopped but it is so selfish of me to want HIM AND my husband, this fellow (OM) deserves to not be alone and to have a companion, a lady to love...
And I am NOT a selfish person, quite the opposite, and I am sure you aren't either...

Sally, if you and me were really selfish, we would have broke up our marriages and tried to make a life with the OM, but then though we would have felt SOOOO guilty we would have been sick at our stomach for all the harm we had done to our families and others.

I hope you and me can both let these men go, even though they made us feel so special for such a long time. We just have to.
I am thankful you led me to this board by posting on the breakups suck board. [B][/B]
Let's pray for one another.
Love, Sarie

Hey you guys,

Just wanted to give you a vote of confidence here....Remember

You were once OK without OM - you can be OK again - even better.

You have not lived your whole life "waiting" for OM. In fact, I bet you had some pretty good moments in life before this. Awkwardly enough, life is not good now either, is it?

Life is about living the happiness as well as the sadness. This is quite obviously the sadness. But push through it. It's thick, it's heavy, it will be hard. But the alternative is worse....losing your family.

Thank your BS for giving you a choice in the matter. Some WSs never get that chance. And see this as an adventure - an opportunity to reconnect with your spouse, and rebuild yourself.

It will hurt. Let it hurt. But be resolve in your determination, OK?

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I can hardly remember when HE (OM) was not a part of my life.

By the way, what do all those symbols mean?
I understand some of them but not all of them.

For us, that never dreamed we would or could possibly be unfaithful to our husbands, it is unbelievable how 'we can' when we meet that certain wonderful man that fills that empty void in our hearts, that he seems to fill PERFECTLY.

When a person has an affair, the intention is that not another person will know, only the two involved. Sometimes it is that way and sometimes a person's entire life is shattered if they get found out.

What a deal.
Love, Sarie

sarie & sally, Keep up the good work! It is hard, but you can get through this. As a BS, I see it from the other side. I want my husband to have the kind of relationship with me that he had with her. I am totally open to discussing whatever he wants. I want to know his feelings, hurts, wants, etc. Maybe if you can start to talk with your husbands the way you talked with OM you will find that you already have the love you need. That's what I hope in my case.

The abbreviations can be found under the Just Found Out forum.

More power to you!

Sarie and LIT:

Thank you both for your posts...coming on an finding those posts is just one more instance that helps repel that urge to email HIM.

I want to call his VM now that he has left work, just to hear his voice.

I cannot help it, but I keep reliving the night we met, GOd, not that far off of a whole year ago....we met, he thougth my group of friends were way out of his and his friends league (he later told me). We talked in the hotel while they all partied....just talked. It was so beautiful...till 8 am. Like I had known him forever.

THen we said goodbye.....he was going back to the US, and me, was staying in Canada...I was so sad. I was so taken and connected that night, that before my girlfriends and I checked out, I left them there, claiing to need to go to the store, and I found his hotel (we had been their briefly that night we all hooked up to pick up some alcohol that they had brought back to our hotel) and I located his room, knocked on his door...I'll never forget that look on his face...he was stunned I came to find him...he told me I made him feel so special.

Then we met up, he drove 5 hours to meet me, it was so beautiful....10 months later, to never see eachother again, but to connect so deeply emotionally. I cant beleive I seem to have lost him.

Regardless of what anyone thinks, I love him so much that I want his happiness so much and I know leaving him alone so he can re-connect with his wife is the honourable and right thing to do. I jsut feel so much like I get the s**t end of life's stick so much.

Another selfish commment....I know. I could have things ALOT worse.....I just want him in my life, even if its just a s friends. But when I take a look at the reality of the situation, that idea will not work.

I pray that he does write me, to show he is hurting, and I pray he doesn't.

If you would have asked me on Feb 28th/03 if this would be my life I would have bet BIG $ against it. March 1st changed my marriage and my life forever.

I just hope we can get through...I know that Sarie if I can, you can...because I am by far a VERY weak and needy person....even the OM told me...I do everything for everyone because I need that constant affirmation that I am worthwhile. HE read me like a book.

I keep listening to music that reminds me of him, and I cant stop that, and want to.

Keep posting Sarie, maybe together we can get though.

Sally.

You know, guys,

You will not do until you believe.....

Believe in yourself that you can do it. Believe that you have the strength.

One thing that I learned from early childhood is that if you put your mind to something, you will achieve it.

Sally, when someone starts believing they are something, sometimes they become it. You think, and you say your OM thinks you are weak. Why don't you think you are strong? Why don't you become strong, and show yourself up?

On the flip side, does that sound like someone who really cares about you? Calling you weak? And if he really knows that, then why is he taking advantage of your weakness?

Both of you can stop this if it is what you really want. I will be blunt, though - there is no future in an A. You will have zero self respect, and it will always end one way or the other. Having been on the other end, that is one thing that helped me end mine. That and the clear reality of what I was risking.

You are both strong - but only as you want to be. Instead of talking about how weak you are, or how much you want to call him, start talking about what you want in your M. What do you want to improve in you? Try to shift the focus from OM to more productive things.....it will help you beat out the addictive part.

And don't keep saying you are weak. This TX gal isn't falling for that 'ol excuse... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What 'feels' as if it was a romatic friendship right out of the movies, is not. It's in your head. We are sooo infected with romantic hogwash from the time we're children. Disney's happily ever afters, soap operas, sitcoms, romantic comedies where you cheer on the couple who is obviously destined to be together, and even the betrayed partners can see that and give their blessings!

No blessings. None. If your children knew they would be disgusted. If your spouse knew they would be devistated. What seems 'beautiful' right now, is only because it's a consequence free fantasy.

The reality is really really ugly and painful. I know, I had to face that reality. We took things to the point that the OM became a real person...a very very selfish one. The one I'd seen as giving and honerable...was actually a very angry, resentful, selfish coward. He was a normal human being, capable of hurting me just as my H had.

I understand that you're trying to do the right thing Sarie, but you aren't doing it for the right reasons, nor the right way. "We'll always care for one another". Well, way to leave the door open! Now, when his new relationship gets dull..he'll be SURE to look you up again. And because you're ending this with a sweet, movie like farewell...you're left with romantic thoughts of him and will most likely open your door to him again when he does come calling. This is not beautiful...it's betrayal...and it hurts people.

Sarie and Sally,

I am not sure to whom I should be directing this response, but since I have seen similar thinking on both of your parts I thought I would reply.


Sarie you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our friendship grew and grew and became a passionate love affair.

I have been married for 35 years. My husband doesn't know and I just refuse to tell him, I just WON'T AND CAN'T.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not tell your H? This marriage has been a lie for over a decade. You have NOT been the W he deserved,and clearly if you have had a passionate love affair with OM, your H got little or none of your passion. Little wonder your marriage pales in comparison to the A.

I find it interesting that you can be "noble" in letting your OM go, but you cannot be "noble" in telling your H of your 10 year affair. I suspect he knows something has been wrong for these years, and I would bet he will feel ROBBED of a decade of his life where he could have been with a woman that loved him, you did NOT.

You also said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband hasn't a clue. We get along good. I do not have the passionate feelings for him that I had for the other man but maybe I could if I worked on it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't bet that he hasn't a clue. I bet he has noticed your are NOT there for him in many small ways and when he finds out OR you just come back and try to make the marriage better he will KNOW you have been holding something back from him.

And yes you could/can have had the passion for your H, and he for you if you had worked on it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I would never want to lose my husband and I want to grow old with him.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Why don't you want to lose him? Why do you want to grow old with a man you have no respect for, don't love, are not passionate about, and lied to for a decade?

Do you see that you are lying to yourself about a lot of things, including how great OM was. First, step in this process is "radical honesty" with your H and with yourself. Your H has been cheated out of almost a 1/3 of his marriage, and you say you don't want to lose him? Yet, you feel he doesn't compare to OM, who has found someone else.

Sarie, you need to step back and have another look at the man you are married to. He is at the very MINIMUM owed the chance to make the choice you have made. He gets to choose to stay or go, just as you have done. He gets a chance to know who he is married to, and what she values, and what she respects.

I know you are still in love with OM, you are not even in withdrawal, but you need to start to be honest with yourself and your H. It will help you, and it will help him. Yes, there will be a lot of pain for him, but you have already killed the marriage, he just doesn't know it is dead. It can be revived but only with honesty.

Sally, you said a few things along the same lines that I thought I would respond to as well.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Then we met up, he drove 5 hours to meet me, it was so beautiful....10 months later, to never see eachother again, but to connect so deeply emotionally. I cant beleive I seem to have lost him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will you say that if your H leaves? It may happen whether or not you tell your H. It is very unlikely that you have been much of a W to him during your A. It is very unlikely that he has not noticed the difference in your behavior. It is very unlikely he won't notice your grief at losing the OM. IT is very unlikely that you will be much of a mother or a W during this period. You just may lose him before he can figure out what you have done. But more than anything he deserves the right to decide if he wants to be your H. He deserves the right to choose if he wants to raise his children with YOU. He deserves the right to make an honest and fair decision about any future children and who the mother should be.

In your pining for your OM, you need to focus just a bit on the man you are married to. Not the party boy out for a quick piece of ... who now decides to go back to his family which he has lied to for 10 months. Oh! he is just great marriage material, vows mean nothing, promises mean nothing, risk of disease means nothing, perfect for a stable family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Regardless of what anyone thinks, I love him so much that I want his happiness so much and I know leaving him alone so he can re-connect with his wife is the honourable and right thing to do.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So is telling your H about your affair. You H deserves at least as much as OM, the "honourable and right thing" from his W. If you do not tell him, you will very likely condemn your marriage to a marginal existance, because you will have to wall off part of your heart to protect the lies. You will have to watch everything you say, all comments you make, who you call what in bed, etc...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I jsut feel so much like I get the s**t end of life's stick so much.

Another selfish commment....I know. I could have things ALOT worse.....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you could. You could have your H's life. Married to a W who lies and cheats on him, gives someone else the passion that was supposed to remain in a marriage. Even your children have no doubt suffered and will suffer from this affair, because your thoughts and focus have been mainly on OM, and now on your own grief and loss. Yes, the grief and loss is real, so there is really no hiding it and that means neither H nor children get your best. They just get what is left over.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just want him in my life, even if its just a s friends. But when I take a look at the reality of the situation, that idea will not work.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No it won't work Sally. You cannot be "just friends" with someone you have had a passionate physical affair with. It doesn't work that way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that he does write me, to show he is hurting, and I pray he doesn't.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So you want him to hurt? That is deep love alright. Now do you see what people here mean by the fog. You claim to love this man but you want him to hurt. You make vows to another man, and you cheat on him and hurt him and your family, and that is before you tell him, which you should defintiely do.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you would have asked me on Feb 28th/03 if this would be my life I would have bet BIG $ against it. March 1st changed my marriage and my life forever.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, it did and your H and your children had no say in it whatsoever. Your choices and yours alone and the fact that you were not honest with your H have led you here. Now let honesty lead you out of this pit. It is the only way to rebuild your marriage and open it up and make it better than it was before your affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just hope we can get through...I know that Sarie if I can, you can...because I am by far a VERY weak and needy person....even the OM told me...I do everything for everyone because I need that constant affirmation that I am worthwhile. HE read me like a book.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, it is surely impossible that you "did everything for everyone" as your H would attest if he and when he finds out about the affair. You have been deluding yourself again. You may well be a needy person, but you pursued the OM to his hotel room and you got this thing started. It is very unlikely that during your affair you have been the W your H expected or deserved. You could have gotten affirmation from your H had you decided to try and throw yourself into the marriage as you threw yourself into the affair.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I keep listening to music that reminds me of him, and I cant stop that, and want to.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you can. But first you have to stop being the victim, the marytr, and face the fact that other people are the victims: OM's W, your H and your children. They are the victims, you are not. Your life is exactly as you chose to make it. Their lives are NOT as they chose but have suffered because of your choices. HONESTY, Sally, HONESTY.

You need to tell your H, because oddly enough it will be he that will help you through this if he decides to stay. You need his help, and he cannot help if he doesn't know what is wrong.

Sarie and Sally, this post may seem harsh to you, but what I am trying to illustrate is that of all the people you have lied to (and there are many) you have lied to yourselves the most. Before anything else can happen, you two need to become honest with yourselves and try looking outward to the people around you more and inward to satisfying yourself less.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Hey you two...felt like i had to post to you because i can feel the pain you are both in right now..been there myself, and please know that the way you feel right now will definately not last forever..but you have to put lots of work into getting through it...

i believe the first step is to dry your eyes and think about how you are putting these other men up on a pedastal(sp?)....you really really have to see these guys as what they really are...just people, people with weaknesses just like you...not knights in shining armor, but men who have sex with other men's wives..because no matter how much you loved them and they loved you..when it comes down to the bare bones of it..that's what they are...

the most important thing that you both have to do right now though is stick with the No Contact..none, nada, zilch...if you feel like you're going to explode if you don't email or call...go ahead and write to him...write every single thing you are feeling right now, good and bad...get it all out...but the most important thing is you DO NOT SEND IT...send it back to yourself..wait a day or two and then read it..i can almost guarantee you that you will look at that mail in the future and think...'who the hell wrote that??'...

just don't give up...don't make the OM out to be something he isn't..and don't forget that once you get over this..(and you will get over it)..you will see your spouse without the surrounding fog, and you'll be grateful that you have the chance to hug them and kiss them and be HAPPY with them...just hang in there....one day, one hour, one minute at a time....time does heal all and it's worth the hard work in the end..

peace...

Sally did tell her husband.
I did not and will not tell mine.

I will certainly try to be a 100% wife.

If YOU had had a secret love affair, you would know that you can be a good wife on the surface, loving and giving, they just do not know about this inner struggle of love that we have for someone else!

I see no reason whatsoever to tell him.
The affair is over, why in the world would I want to hurt and punish my husband?
He does not deserve that.

My lover and friend kept it a secret between the two of us (God also knew)...I feel it would be very wrong to tell my innocent husband.

I feel I really am on the right road now.
I feel bad that I was not able to end the affair until HE ended it by finding someone else.

I did not want HIM to be alone and without his best friend, ME...That is what kept me hanging on.

Love, Sarie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarie:
Sally did tell her husband.
I did not and will not tell mine.

I will certainly try to be a 100% wife.

If YOU had had a secret love affair, you would know that you can be a good wife on the surface, loving and giving, they just do not know about this inner struggle of love that we have for someone else!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok tell us what made you a good wife while you were having an affair? Did you tell your H that you loved him? Did you make love to him? Did you spend time with him? Please tell us.

It would be interesting to find out if your H shares your views that you have been a loving and giving W for the last 10 years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see no reason whatsoever to tell him.
The affair is over, why in the world would I want to hurt and punish my husband?
He does not deserve that.

My lover and friend kept it a secret between the two of us (God also knew)...I feel it would be very wrong to tell my innocent husband.

I feel I really am on the right road now.
I feel bad that I was not able to end the affair until HE ended it by finding someone else.

I did not want HIM to be alone and without his best friend, ME...That is what kept me hanging on.

Love, Sarie</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The problem is that you justify your affair because you fell in love with the OM, and so you feel that you did not manipulate anybody. Sorry but you did manipulate another, and that person was your H. You made him beleive that you were the faithful W he married when you were not. The sad truth is your H has been living and loving for the last 10 years a woman that does NOT exist, and will not exist as long as the truth is purposely hidden from him.

Sarie if we were to follow your 'reasoning' then it is perfectly ok to have an affair as long as your spouse doesn't find out about it. Be careful because you may end up being on the receiving end of this kind of reasoning yourself.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

My husband and I are buddies, we do everything together.

We visit our daughters and grandkids, grocery shop together, go to church and out for lunch afterward, ballgames, I fix his lunch for work and have supper ready when he comes home from work and yes I tell him I love him and yes we make love often.

I just had all the family (22 people) for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday and this secret is my secret, I am cheery and pleasant and no one would ever dream this is possible from me!

And I will not tell now, this lie I have been living is over and I am starting at day one today!

I do love my husband, it is just in a different way than I love the OM.
I would not expect anyone other than someone that has had a passionate love affair with another man to begin to understand because before it happened to me, I would have said NEVER would I be unfaithful to my husband NEVER..
I never believed that I would become smitten, infatuated, obsessed with another man. NEVER.
Love, Sarie

So you truly beleive that by hiding the truth from your H that you are protecting him? Ok then tell me how are you going to protect him if the OM contacts you again in the future and tells you that he has left his W because he realized that you are the only woman that he has truly loved? What if he tells you that he wants to marry you? How are you going to protect your H then?

Don't you see that as long as the OM KNOWS that your H is in the dark about your affair with him, HE KNOWS you have left the back door open for him to come back in the future and restart you affair with him? How is that protecting your H?

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sarie,

Do you recall what I said about honesty to yourself. Please read what you have written to us. You will see why Coffeeman and I have responded as we have.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If YOU had had a secret love affair, you would know that you can be a good wife on the surface, loving and giving, they just do not know about this inner struggle of love that we have for someone else!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As long as you don't count the time you spend with OM, and talking with OM, and thinking about OM, and thinking of OM when you make love to your H, comparing your H to OM. And the operative word is "on the surface".

I know full well you have developed the ability to compartmentalize things so that YOU think that they don't leak over to your H. But, I think you are in for a big surprise. Do you think you were a good W while your were struggling, lying to him so you could see OM, talk with OM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I see no reason whatsoever to tell him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As long as you are happy with a marriage as you have it. But if you are, then why did you have the affair??? Why did you break your marriage vows? Your marriage will NOT advance beyond what it has been for the past 10 or so years, it will NOT have passion, it will not have honesty, and it will be a complete lie to your H. If you think he won't be bothered by the fact that your marriage is a lie, then tell him. You know it will hurt him, but what you haven't admitted to yourself, because you are lying to yourself is that it is your actions that have lead to this.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The affair is over, why in the world would I want to hurt and punish my husband?
He does not deserve that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your affair is NOT over. At best it is in strategic withdrawal while OM works on his new girl friend. But, if she slips even a little he will be back. Why? Because marriage has no meaning to him. He has no problems sleeping and romancing another man's W. He will have no problem cheating in this relationship either. You are still pining for OM, so your affair is NOT over. You are not even in withdrawal yet. You have placed no protections into your marriage to protect your H, or yourself.

You are right he doesn't deserve to be hurt and punished, but he didn't deserve what you did and you did it anyway. He deserves the truth and the option of staying with you a LOT more than he deserves what has happened to him and the woman he THOUGHT he was married to. Telling him is NOT punishing him, it is offering him an option he richly deserves. You are just covering you A$$ so you won't look bad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My lover and friend kept it a secret between the two of us (God also knew)...I feel it would be very wrong to tell my innocent husband.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would it be wrong? Because he will know who he is married to? Because he will learn his life is an elaborate lie? Because he deserves to have the choice of who and what he is married to. You know it will hurt him, so you know what you have done is very important to him, and his sense of self, and his sense of the marriage. But, it is not important enough to tell him because he is innocent? Give me a break! You are lying to cover for OM and yourself. You have placed yourself and your OM above your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel I really am on the right road now.
I feel bad that I was not able to end the affair until HE ended it by finding someone else.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are on the right road. No contact is the only way out, but you have not ended the affair. He has, and when he decides to start it again, and make contact with you again, you will do it because you have no defenses against it. You really don't feel it is bad because your H doesn't know. It is just another reason your H needs to know, to PROTECT YOU.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not want HIM to be alone and without his best friend, ME...That is what kept me hanging on.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It also kept him from developing a new relationship with a woman he could marry for 10 years. He wasn't looking because you were supplying him with what he needed at the expense of your family and your H. You still would. You are lying to yourself Sarie.
[/quote]
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband and I are buddies, we do everything together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Buddies??? That is good, but I suspect he thought you were more than that. I have had a lot of "buddies" male and female, but I have only had one W.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We visit our daughters and grandkids, grocery shop together, go to church and out for lunch afterward, ballgames, I fix his lunch for work and have supper ready when he comes home from work and yes I tell him I love him and yes we make love often.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will bet you don't tell him you love him with the passion or the sincerity that you tell OM that. You mean you have sex often. Your H may be making love, but you are just having sex right? Your love another man. You are just doing the maid portion of marriage Sarie, not the LOVING portion. You allow him to work to support you, you allow him to think you are HIS girl, HIS W, HIS lover, because it is convenient to cover up what you have done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just had all the family (22 people) for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday and this secret is my secret, I am cheery and pleasant and no one would ever dream this is possible from me!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marvelous, an accomplished liar. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Just wonderful, I am sure your H will be so proud of you and so will your kids and grandchildren. You claim to be giving your family and your H everything but one thing: YOUR HEART and SOUL. That is reserved for another man.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I will not tell now, this lie I have been living is over and I am starting at day one today!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, the lie is NOT over. It will go on and on, and if by some happenstance you do really reconnect with your H, and you do develop some sort of a conscience your will KNOW the lie is NOT over. This lie will perpetuate itself for the rest of your life and will indeed affect how you see yourself in relationship to the rest of your family. Take my word for this Sarie.

I know deep down you are not a sociopath, you are not a cruel evil person, you are a good person, and because of that you WILL pay and you will hurt your H more than if you tell. Your guilt will cause you pain like you have not known yet, and it will infect your marriage. Unless of course your marriage remains the same or declines even further.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do love my husband, it is just in a different way than I love the OM.
I would not expect anyone other than someone that has had a passionate love affair with another man to begin to understand because before it happened to me, I would have said NEVER would I be unfaithful to my husband NEVER..</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sarie, I am being hard on you, and so is Coffeeman, because I have been here for over 4.5 years. I have seen your story, and your words, word for word from many people. All say they would NEVER have an A if someone asked them before. But you have had one, and it lasted 10 years. It was not a flash in the pan, it was a complete and total violation of all you claimed to hold sacred when you married. Yes, you love the OM like no other, because it was NOT a marriage. Your H was meeting all of the needs you allowed him to, and you had no responsibility in the affair, just pure fantasy.

Man recovering from being fatally sick, you nursing him back to health, good sex, no obligations, no fighting over the laundry, the bills, the mortgage, the children, nothing but time for each other with no distractions. It doesn't get any better than that, and it was fantasy.

I can tell you right now there is no way my W can match my fantasies, partly because not only is the woman not real, my failings are ignored as well. I am perfect and so is any fantasy woman. No reality at all.

What I am asking of you right now, is that you be honest with yourself, really honest. All you did for your H is act in a functional mode, not a loving and caring mode. You don't do what you have done for 10 years if you truely cared and loved your H.

Please think about this, and think very carefully.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 07:54 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Sarie, please listen to JustLearning and TooMuchCoffeeman. They are absolutely right about this. You have no right to withhold this information from your H. You can't claim to love him and continue to deceive him on top of cheating on him. That is not love. That is MANIPULATION and CRUELTY.

If you were TRULY remorseful about the horrible things you have done to him, you would tell him the truth. But withholding the truth only COMPOUNDS the crime. This is about HIS LIFE also and you have no right to withhold facts about his life.

What if he would choose NOT to live with an adulterous spouse to lies to him for 10 years? Shouldn't he have the right to make that choice?

My God, if you truly love someone, you don't hold them in bondage through DECEIT.

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Sarie, Thank you for your messages. You have given me an insight into the thinking that I believe my WW is going through. Like you she believed that she fooled me and I did not know. But I did!

If I was fooled I would never had spent the long weekend afternoons, alone and crying, while my wife was with the OM>

If I was fooled I would have never spent all those lunch hours alone, unable to chat and socialize with my coworkers.

If I was fooled, I would have enjoyed attending church, instead of being jealous of my male friends with their loyal wives.

If I had been fooled, I would have never investigated her activities until I found the truth behind her lies.

Listen to JL and TMCM. You are only fooling yourself.

geeze guys...give the girl a break..she's trying, trying to get over this thing she believed was true love (btw, i believe and she will soon too, that it is infactuation, not love that she feels)....let her do one thing at a time...perhaps once she's past the worse of the hurt she can think about telling her H...but a person can only take so much at one time...if she's not seeing or speaking to the OM at the moment, it's a moment that she can build on...
jmho

Just catching up here.

Yes, I told my husband of the affair after it became physical. However, I assured him we cut off contact, and that was it. I lied. I continued for 5 more months talkin and loving this OM without my husband knowing.

Then, I left and email in the deleted folder, and of course, my husabnd stumbled across it. He was more crushed my the coninuance of the emotional affair, then the one act of sex that we had months prior. He inisited I write and email ending it, and that he witness it.

I did that. Got a reply from the OM as well. However, after that, through work email, I contacted OM to resume our affair....this was in October. OM attempted to convinceme that for the sake of my family, I had to stop talking to him. I begged practically for him not to leave me. That now that my hub knew, I needed him more then ever.

Fast forward 6 weeks, things got back into the swing of passion and emotion--more then ever. I believe this is partly what prompted his suggestion of a "break".

I will say, and I am sure I will be met with much opposition, that I regret telling my husband. It has caused him more pain then not knowing would have.

I told him to relinquish some of the guilt I was carrying around, a truly selfish act.

Now I see him suffer so much, and you are all right, he does not deserve this. He deserves better.

We have been working on things.....it looks to be a very long road. I have doubts alot thathe will be able to meet my EN's. I try to tell him that sex isn't everything (he's big on it) and he gets angry because he feels that sex was BIG for me with OM. This is his assumption though. I try to convey to him that OM met my EN's. Something my H is just not seeing. When I tell him (when he is coming on to me) "lets just cuddle and hold eachother" he gets PO'd.

I just don't seem to have the interest in my H right now, especially the sex part. I just want to be held and loved. Theres so much anger right now, fighting etc.

I can see why Sarie has not told her H. This is very difficult.

I still have hope this will all work out.

I sit here and I do pine for OM. I can't just turn off my heart. You say it's about being truthful, hoenst and doing the right thing. Well it isn't that black and white. Willpower is difficult. Not 100% black and white, sorry. If it were, there wouldn't be people overweight because the'd be able to say "nope, cant have any more cake". But they don't. The irristable urges aren't always overcome.

I will try to make that happen because I do love my H and children and want them in my life, always.

As I said previously, I am glad I found this board becasue I am sure I would have contacted him by this point.


Thanks,
Sally