Sarie, my mind is a little blown right now from reading all of this from you and everyone.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But I am seeing it is more for the ones that have been cheated on than for the cheaters.
Makes sense, as the spouse is the one that is hurting the most.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a BS. My husband confessed to me while he was having the affair because he couldn't take the lying anymore. He has now ended the affair. We are trying to rebuild a BETTER marriage. My vote would be to tell him. I had always said that if my husband ever did that, I would leave him instantly. Guess what ... I didn't. It has been an eye opener for me.

We have had a "good" marriage, but didn't really communicate our innermost thoughts and feelings...didn't really "connect." That is what he had with OW. I want that with him and I think he wants that with me. We're just not sure right now how to get that. But since we're both aware of what we want, what he had with her, we have a goal. I don't want it to be the same as with her. I want our own version of a higher connection. Am I making any sense to you?

I told my husband that you sometimes hear people say they are actually glad they got cancer because of how it affected their lives in a positive way ... how they were able to deepen relationship. That is EXACTLY the way I feel about his affair. It is something that I am going to embrace and learn from. We will be stronger, I can feel it deep in my heart.

Please think about this. Check in with us again. Have you checked out figher's thread on General Questions ... Married for 3 years but found my soulmate? It's pretty interesting also.

Good luck to you. God bless.

I had a cheating spouse several years ago. I knew it was an intense emotional affair and periodically wondered if they had crossed the line and made it physical. However, the OW and her husband were very close friends of ours and my husband and her were just not "the type" to get into a physical affair without regard to their spouses. Or, at the time, so I believed.

Their relationship ended after some major stressors in both our marriages had closure (ie parental death and adoption of a newborn). These major stressors contributed heavily to the two of them becoming so emotionally (and physically) close. The affair lasted about 5 months.

After the affair, my husband and I reconnected emotionally and lived our lives with our new baby. The OW and her husband moved away soon after the affair ended(the reason given was she couldn't bear to be around the same surroundings she shared with her dying parent).

One day, my husband told me about the physical component of the affair. I was devastated. Of all the emotions, responses, reactions that you have read on these boards, I have probably been through all of them. My husband has stood by me and taken it all. I can tell you, it is not easy finding out about an affair that has been hidden or is in the past. However, if I would have found out any other way (and this was a real possibility) there is no question that I would have considered our marriage nothing more than a shamble.

We have been in recovery for a long time now and there was never any doubt that my husband would leave me or hurt me this way again. It still didn't keep me from going through all of the stages of grief. The only thing I wish is that I could have known it sooner than later, cause the hurt was almost paralyzing and there was no quick way to end it. The process is almost complete now, and we have a very happy life together.

So, my message to you Sarie, is...if you do tell your husband, you will have to be prepared for his devastation. It will take a long time for him to work through it. He will not be able to do it if he doesn't believe 100% that you will never do it again. You will have to be almost "perfect" and if you don't know how to do this, you will need some outside help. Your husband will not "see you as the same person", because there is a side of you he has not known. You will have to be very sorry that he is having to meet this hidden part of you. It is a side that he never wants to know, but he will have to deal with it, and it will take a lot of processing on his part.

My husband told me because he couldn't deal with the secrecy anymore. I don't think he had a clue how I would respond (translate: Cinderella becomes wicked witch 24/7) because we had a great marriage before the affair, and an even better one after they went their separate ways. Now, in his mind, our marriage is solidly on track and based on an honest foundation. As for me, I see this foundation (even with the big crack in it) getting deeper and wider with each passing year. I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness.

I would have to say we are now at peace with ourselves and happily share our time together. It wasn't easy for either one of us to get here.

Good luck with your decision.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Beall:
... it would clearly be much much much better if you kept the past to yourself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">how so when the past so directly affects a spouse? does he not deserve to know something so profound? to be able to make choices about his life with as much information as possible (whether to continue the marriage or end it)?

what would happen if om decided to come clean without sarie's knowledge or consent? and it could happen. so much for her desire to take this secret to the grave.

her husband deserves the truth and to hear it from her mouth. period.

Sarie, I am a BS. My H did not confess to me. I was told by the OW and then found out about other women from his computer. Believe me, I would have much preferred to be told by my H. As it stands now, I have more distrust for him. He has not confessed anything to me. And this makes me feel like there are things he is not telling me, even tho there might not be anything else. I don't know. How can I believe him? He did not respect me enough to tell me the truth. And it is so degrading to be told by someone else.

You said that you have been having the affair for 10 years? Do you REALLY think that your H does not suspect something? That there are no doubts in his mind? If YOU think that you have been so perfect in keeping everthing a secret then you might think again. I bet your H suspects more than what you think. He is just doing what alot of us BS do. We bury our heads in the sand and try to act like nothing is wrong until we have to face the problem. He is not a stupid man.

H didn't tell me, nobody else either... I found out after months of snooping...

Well... if he were good for me, and never ever he or anyone else would tell me - I prefer not to know! (Of course, he should end it and continue to be nice with me).
No knowing no hurting (if no bad consequences).

He was... made my life miserable, I was sooo unhappy living with him... and even now he never admits his A(s?)... still accusing me that's just my paranoia, insecurity... my excuse for leaving him!
I felt something wrong, but he never told me truth and it was eating me so much that made my life with him unbearable anymore (btw, not only (in)fidelity issue, but a few other ones, also importans...)

Well, when I learned... it would have been much better if HE had told me.
Than, it would be much better if he told me after I found out... still I know only what I doscovered and still - he denies! Horrible!

If I were you... if he cannot learn about your A NEVER - let it go, don't say, stop A and be a good W to your H.

Btw, who is here sure that he doesn't have his secrets too???
(Or - I've never met a married couple so far in my life time that either one spouse hadn't had an A... yes, so sad...)

Sarie:
If you are determined not to tell your husband about your affair, why did you start this thread? That is, why did you ask your question?