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Information from OW
#1100213 11/25/03 07:21 AM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 128
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Toofargone
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Toofargone
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When I first learned of my H affair two months, I contacted the OW and asked her questions. When it started, how long it lasted, when it ended, etc. I learned my H hadn't been truthful, even after he admitted the A. I discovered from her other information that my H failed to tell me, i.e., exposure to STD. My question -- Is it making things worse having these discussions with OW? I have been lied to by my H for almost twelve years and I have a strong need to finally know the truth. IS THIS WRONG? Is it harmful for recovery? People keep telling me that all I need to know is that the A happened and the details don't matter. But I have a need for details. Input, please.
Re: Information from OW
#1100214 11/25/03 07:38 AM
Joined: Feb 2003
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stunned-dad-fast recovering Offline
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stunned-dad-fast recovering
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Too

That's a difficult call. I had no interest in getting info from the OM...who of course would have lied like crazy to me anyway.

But I had a high level of needing to know since my wife insisted at first just friends, then only once in Nov 2002 despite me finding out she had gotten a secured cell phone (no billing coming to the house) in August of 2000.

So I contacted the OP's spouse and that set things in motion to get the whole truth as best a betrayed spouse can.

If the OW has a husband I suggest contacting him not the OW.
Re: Information from OW
#1100215 11/25/03 09:53 AM
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Toofargone
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The OW is not married. I think that is why she continued the A with my H for five years -- until she found another man. She didn't have to explain her A with a married man -- except to herself. She has been forthcoming about details of her relationship with my H.
Re: Information from OW
#1100216 11/25/03 10:01 AM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 134
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want2shine Offline
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want2shine
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It's not wrong for you to have a strong desire to know what happened in your own marriage, behind your back. I would say this is normal and healthy!

Getting info from ow is less than ideal, of course. Hopefully your own husband will begin to open up to you at some point.

Have you been reading on this site? There is a wealth of helpful information about improving communication in marriage.

Some people say they don't want to know details, but everyone is different and you are the only "expert" at what you need to know.

I needed to know, didn't want to be in the dark about anything anymore. Before my husband was totally forthcoming, I felt very unsettled and anxious. The long talks were helpful to me, though often difficult for both of us.
Re: Information from OW
#1100217 11/26/03 01:54 AM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 9
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PsychGrL17 Offline
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PsychGrL17
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I don't really have any advise for you because I do the same thing...Seeing as the OW was suppose to be a friend she was more than willing to provide me with info about the A since she feels me knowing the truth is the only right thing she can do...So I am just gonna kinda snoop at advice given to you ...And was writing you so you know there are others in your position too...

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