He’s so special, but his wife doesn’t understand him. You’ve never felt this way before, and he’s going to leave her for you. Before deciding whether or not you want to stay with him, take the following five steps to better understanding what you could be letting yourself in for. Then, either way, you will be the mistress of your own destiny.

1. Accept that the odds on him leaving her for you are not great

You may think he is the most delicious, misunderstood man you’ve ever met. You might believe your love is The Real Thing, that you and he are soul mates and are destined to live the rest of your lives together. You might, of course, be right, but chances are he’s just a man being unfaithful to his wife – and you’re just having an affair with an unfaithful man.

Consider these realities. If he has children, it’s unlikely he will leave his wife. If he has had other affairs in the past, it’s most unlikely he will leave his wife. If he hasn’t left his wife and children ‘yet’ (saying things like ‘she’s unstable – I’ll leave when she calms down’ or ‘I just need to wait for Zac’s concert/birthday/Bar Mitzvah’), he will not leave his wife.

Still feel this is true romance? Happy to be a long-term mistress? Then continue

2. If he does leave his wife for you, remember James Goldsmith

Yes, a dead old English rogue is relevant! Famously unfaithful, the English billionaire once said, ‘A man who marries his mistress creates an instant job vacancy.’

If your man cheated on his ex-wife, why wouldn’t he do the same to you? A man who has affairs is often the type who is easily bored, chafes against domesticity, needs adventure and intrigue to keep him feeling alive or needs his sexual attractiveness affirmed by different women.

If he’s done it once, what would stop him from doing it again? To you? Do you feel you and he will beat these odds?

3. Think about who you are

Not to bee too preachy about it, but are you happy to be called a home-wrecker? In a few years you could be married yourself. How would you like your husband to deal with your marital problems by falling into the eager arms of another woman? If he really loves you, he should, at the very least, be prepared to be with you in a legitimate way.

You don’t mind being thought of as ‘a bit on the side’, ‘the other woman’ or worse? Then continue

4. Take a long, hard look at his family and finances

For as long as you’re in a relationship with him, you’ll be in a relationship with his family. If he leaves them, his ex will probably be angry, hurt and resentful. You’ll probably have his children at your home every second weekend and for chunks of your holidays. And it won’t be carefree. Stepmothers are portrayed in fairy tales as ugly and wicked, because children don’t like stepmothers who took Daddy away from Mommy.

Divorce is extremely expensive. Keeping two families afloat financially is extremely expensive. Children need schooling, clothes, toy and computers, and grow up to need cars and university degrees. He will carry this financial burden for life. Still want him? Then continue.

5. Think about being at the bottom of his list of priorities

The average unfaithful guy will put work, wife and kids first in his life, even if you are first in his heart. So prepare yourself for weekends alone, sneaky phone calls and cancelled arrangements. Want a cozy birthday a deuz or two weeks in Plett? Forget it. Want to hold hands in public? Want to go to a movie or your favorite restaurant with him? Not likely. How long do you think The Real Thing lasts if your only available expression of love is at his convenience at some affordable hotel?

There are, of course, exceptions to our bleak (though informed) views on men who cheat. Somewhere out there, there are deliriously happy second marriages based on infidelity. But out there, too, are even more single men who are in a better position to make you happy.

Excellent post Suzet. Now if we could only have one that warned any man to think before deciding to have an affair with a married woman, it would complete the set.

TMCM, I fully agree with you… Initially I was very hesitant and unsure to send the article to this board because I’m aware of the fact that the article only gives one side of the matter and can possibly be upsetting to FWH’s on this board who was victims of infidility with married woman.

Insightful post ! I wish my WW would read it.

OK, my fiance and I are not typical. He was separated from his wife before we started dating, but she believes that he didn't beg her to come back because he was seeing me:
1. Accept that the odds on him leaving her for you are not great -- Not true in our case. And he never had affairs, nor did I.

2. If he does leave his wife for you, remember James Goldsmith -- He split up with her because she gave up working on their marriage, and he was tired of begging for marriage counseling.

3. Think about who you are -- I'm very happy to be with him. I'm not the "bit on the side"; I'm the woman who loves him, and who he is planning a life with.

4. Take a long, hard look at his family and finances -- I earn a good living, and we could live off my salary. Taking care of his child's needs will not bother me.

5. Think about being at the bottom of his list of priorities -- Nope, I'm at the top. As is he, for once in his life.

Excellent article Suzet, thanks for posting it.

Puts a different twist on the fantasy.

good article suz, where did you find it?

i once again though feel somewhere lost in all this because we don't have kids and the OW is single, 21 yrs old (as of today), no kids, and still lives at home w/her parents as far as i know could be different though since H just told me last week he's moving out of the house.

Roughroad,

I found the article in a magazine I bought last year.

I understand what you’re saying…the OW being so young and unbounded must be a very difficult situation for you. I’ve read the following in your signature: Whatever happens...trust HIM… Roughroad, hold on to those words… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If you need encouragement and some words to give you hope & strength, you can follow this thread where I regularly post encouraging and uplifting poems, prayers & stories.

Good luck and blessings to you, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ August 24, 2004, 02:46 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Liliane, No one is accusing you of anything. Clearly you feel a tad of concerned though - hence your post. If your partner left his wife because she wouldn't try, then what do you have to worry about? As long as you try really hard, then you will be safe. Don't relax though - as is the custom in marriage. If you relax and forget to pander to his every need, you will be on the reject pile too. Then there will be wifee no. 3 on this site justifying her relationship with your husband to be.

Ya gotta feel a bit of concern for what wifee no. 1 found so lacking in your husband to be though???????

Good point Anyname! She better watch her back especially since she may possibly be floating the whole ship by herself in the long run. Well, at least she has a good job, she can afford to. The emotional part may not be so easy though.

Lilliane, your relationship actually is VERY typical for OWs on this board in the sense that you entered into a relationship with a MARRIED MAN. The only difference is that you are now marrying him. As Anyname said, be careful!

Marriages are hard enough to work on without third parties. YOU were that third party, unfortunately. Your fiancee's history with you does not bode well, you may be looking at a third party yourself, someday. Have you already shared your story on this board?

Sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable. I was just pointing out that the world isn't always black and white.

I didn't start a relationship with a married man, I started a relationship with a legally separated man who had already sent divorce papers to his stbxw.
I don't have to try "really hard" -- I just have to be willing to listen, to consider that I am half the relationship, and to be open to seeing counselors if my spouse wants to -- the ex wife wanted to drink too much, lay on the sofa, watch TV, and refuse to speak to minister or therapist. I am pretty confident I'm not capable of that much laziness, selfishness, or cruelty.

Liliane, I think the fact that you didn't start a relationship with a married man (who still lived with his W), but with a legally separated man who had already sent divorce papers to his W makes you situation totally different from woman who have A’s with married men still living with their W’s. Your fiancée was already legally separated from his W when you started the relationship and of course you wasn’t involved in a secretive A... You and your fiancée could have an open & honest relationship and didn’t have anything to hide or feel ashamed about… And for this reason I believe the article is not applicable on you and your situation. I think the fact that you responded to the article and compare the statements in the article with your situation, created the wrong impression…as if you were defending yourself and relationship with your fiancée... I think this is why your post made some people felt uncomfortable. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 25, 2004, 05:18 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Great article Suzet!

Should be required reading for all females - would prevent a lot of needless heartbreak.

BTW I would never date a married man even if he was legally separated. My WH has had numerous affairs, each time telling the OW he was separated (only once were we really separated). And each time he eventually dumped OW. Why not wait for the divorce?

Oh, and of course, each time he lied to the OW about how awful, lazy, unloving, etc. I supposedly was... Standard lying adulterous married man spiel. Also it amazes me how many OW believe that it's the man who wants to go to marriage counseling but the wife doesn't... Usually it's the female who wants to have relationship talks and fix relationship problems. MOST of the time I've heard of the husband being the one who wanted to go to marriage counseling were cases of a cheating wife and faithful husband (the husband was trying to get the wife to end an affair).

Just curious - how long did he try going to counseling on his own without his wife? MOST of the time one spouse has to start first, taking steps to learn how to reach the reluctant (hurt? depressed? angry?) spouse. What books did he try reading to try to help his wife, and save his marriage? IF his wife really is in such a slump WHAT led to it, and what has her husband really done to help her out of it?

A better question: If you do manage to get married to this man (he really does divorce his wife) how can either of you feel safe, that you can really rely on each other through good times AND BAD?

It's so sad to see some people treating marriage as if it's nothing more than going steady... When it's not fun anymore they just go on to somebody new. Is that really ALL the commitment you want from a marriage partner?!?!?

Maybe his wife really is as bad as he claims. Obviously she wasn't always that way and whatever the reason for her current problems, as her husband (until the divorce is final that is) her problems are THEIR problems.

BTW, you may discover for yourself what might drive a formerly happy wife to drink and not want to do anything but lay around all day... If you become his wife eventually he will start to treat you exaclty the way he treats his current wife. And if he doesn't like the effect it has on you - well he can just dump you for another woman...

I don't agree.

Until a person is legally and officially divorced,no one(OP) has any business being involved with a STILL married person.Legally separated still denotes a possiblity of reconciliation.If that were not true,then there is no reason to separate but instead head directly toward and file for a divorce.

Let's not make allowances here.It is a dangerous practice to start accepting that which is still morally,ethically,legally,emotionally,biblically and spiritually wrong IMO.

I was almost "legally separated" based on my WH's decision but it in no way accounted for my feelings nor my desire to save my marriage.It might have looked good for the homewrecker and my WH might have said well,I will be divorced soon anyway but it still was not a divorce,the one and only way in which two people should be able to go on to other realtionships honestly.

Besides,arent we supposed to take some time to heal and reflect before entering into a new relationship?? If it's not a rebound relationship then it sure as heck looks like adultery to me.It's not over til it's over and that means to the very last moment before the judge rules it a divorce.

O

I agree OctoberGirl,

My husband and I could have divorced last September, instead WE BOTH decided to sign a year-long legal separation agreement instead. I signed because I wanted to have more time to try to save our marriage (and for the affair to fizzle out - which it did); WH signed because he kept changing his mind between me and OW - (sometimes several times per day) AND because I wouldn't agree to keep seeing him after the divorce.

So the fact that he was legally separated (INSTEAD of already divorced) didn't exactly add up to an excuse for adultery. (And anyway in our case the adultery really started long before he took any legal action.)

My WH KNEW I would not date (let alone sleep with another man) until the DIVORCE was final, AND he thought he could count on the OW to continue sleeping with him even though he was only separated instead of divorced. Also, my WH knew as long as we were only separated instead of divorced, I would be willing to reconcile when the affair ended. Why do the OW fail to realize that the faithful spouse's opinion of the difference between separation and divorce is also a factor? Doesn't it make more sense to realize that the spouse who has NOT started an affair is the one still honoring and trying to save the marriage?

Let's face it, unless the OW actually meets with and talks to the wife, and the wife tells the OW she wants a divorce and doesn't want her husband/marriage anymore, the OW won't really know the marriage is over until the divorce is final.

Meremortal & Octobergirl, thanks for your responses! I just want to clarify something: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I agree 100% with both of you that it is immoral & unethical to date a still married person, because there is always a chance of reconciliation, even if the spouses are legally separated and in the process of divorce…. I agree to be involved with a still married person is biblically and spiritually wrong and adultery in God's eyes... However, with my post to Liliane, I was trying to show the difference between her situation and a woman who become involve in a secretive & deceptive A with a man who is still living with his W and not physically, emotionally separated from his W (in some case the spouses are still happily married while becoming involved in an A). I think the article is more applicable on a situation where the OP and A is the direct cause and motivation for the married person to separate from the spouse. In Liliane’s case, she became involved with her fiancée after he separated from his W and after the divorce papers was send…and this change the picture completely. She wasn’t the reason of her fiancées separation, although I agree that her involvement with him prevented a reconciliation with his W. You both have made good points and I hope Liliane will read your posts, give it some thought and share her story.

AllsFair's two threads reminded me of this article and I thought it would be a good idea to bring it up again.

Liliane,
I agree withe Suzet that your R can be distinguished from the types of R's addressed by the article.

I do not agree that it is ok to start dating before you are completely D'd, but that is my opinion and my set of standards.

What bothered me about your post was not that you started dating before the D was final, but that it sounds like your soon to be H portrays his W as a terrible (or lazy, or selfish or whatever) person and the end of the M was all her fault. As you said so yourself, nothing is black & white. I am VERY suspicious of any D'd person who puts all the blame on their Ex. That alone speaks volumes (!!!) about how that person will treat me and our R in the future. I sincerely doubt that you've heard the real story or even the story from the other side. Sure, he probably told the same story to his friends & family, but hearing them repeat his side of the story doesn't make it true. Also, there will be extended times in a M where you cannot meet your Hs needs -- illness, just gave birth, whatever -- and then what? I could go on & on about the warning lights flashing in your post, but I'll stop. Proceed with caution.