Hello new friends.
We live in a small rural area and we know about everyone.

The man I got involved with was an aquaintence in a nursing home dying...His old father asked me if I would visit him. I am a registered nurse and a hospice volunteer but I just went as a friend.

At 5'10", he weighed 105 pounds. I sat on a chair and held his hand and we had such a nice visit. I went back every week. My husband knew and was fine with it as I am a kind and caring person.

One day when I went to visit him, his bed was empty! The staff told me he had received a midnight call the previous week and had a heart transplant.
I went to his parents house and from there, his mom called him and I talked to him.

Now is when the deception began. I sent him a note or card every day for 3 months so he would have something to look forward to in the hospital...I got a calling card and called him twice a week. He said I practically saved his life, gave him a reason to live, having a "pretty lady that cared about me".

When he came home to his parents home, I went to see him. I was SO nervous. But it was wonderful, he was still thin and weak and on a walker but as the months went by he got stronger and gained weight.

We talked on the phone while my husband was at work. The battery ran down on my phone every day.
I did housework while talking, folding and putting away laundry, chopping vegetables etc. (No tv watching or no Internet)

Then the day came that he could drive again and he picked me up for a ride...We went to a private lake which became OUR PLACE and the kisses turned into lovemaking.

This went on (not much in the winter) for 5 years and then after hearing my pastor say over and over if we are living in sin and don't repent, we should question our salvation.

As an unfaithful wife, the only way I can explain it to you of why I didn't feel guilty, is because I loved and cared SOOOO much for this other guy...Yet I also love my husband...I know you can't possibly understand but to you that have a unfaithful spouse, believe me, they can also love you.

It was like I became the girl I was before I was married. (I was married at 18, didn't have sex until AFTER we were married.)..The OM listened to me and absorbed my every word whereas my husband doesn't much care about conversations about feelings, he likes to talk about his work or sports!..Anyway, my marriage vows were not outstanding as they had been for 25 years, all that seemed to matter was being with and talking with him...My only hope was that no one ever found out.

So for the next 5 years, it was mostly just phone conversations...Several times a year, though, we would get together and share our love.

So when he met an old classmate and had immediate chemestry (both age 59) it was like my heart was broken in little pieces.
I was happy he had fouund someone to share his life with but so sad that our relationship would have to stop.

I have grieved and cried every day since August 4th...So when I say no one was hurt because of us, I am not including myself and yeah I deserve to sorrow and ache and miss him.

To tell my husband would just be beyond any reasoning. Why hurt him now? The affair is over, my OM is marrying this lady, he said he is going to be faithful to her, and I think he should.

What we had together was what is, it is over and done. Can't go back and change things. And I probably wouldn't anyway.

At the time, as I mentioned earlier, it was like I was driven emotionally and physically to be with him. You think where is my control and my self-respect and my conscience and honesty; all I can say is "I don't know" because when it came to HIM, all my morals of a lifetime seemed to vanish.

Lovingly, Sarah

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lovingly, Sarah</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So says the "kind, "caring" person who lovingly stabs those she loves in the back and never feels a flicker of remorse. So says the "kind, "caring" person who has lovingly committed adultery and lied to her own H for 10 years. So says the "kind," "caring" person who continues to lovingly manipulate and lie to her husband, the one to whom she made vows. Need I go on?

This is a bunch of silly chick flick rationalization designed to cover up the despicable, mean things you have done to your husband. You might have yourself fooled, but this fools no one else.

I am starting to agree with sufbd that this might be a troll. I have never seen another WS on this forum who was more deluded.

Dear Melody.
I don't know what a troll is but my story is true.

What do you mean I am deluded?
I can't believe I am the only WS that has ever been involved with another man, and didn't want her family to ever know.
(And thankful beyond anything that they did not find out!)

That is why they are 'secret affairs'.

Is the ONLY advice I am going to get at this marriage builders site to tell my husband of my affair?
Sincerely, Sarah

Melody, I just read this on a previous post (Lexy...Foolish Bird) and her story doesn't sound so much different than mine...I am that more deluded than she?

" posted October 28, 2003 07:06 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello..

I am a WS and I am gonna be totally honest with you..I agree with foolish bird..unless the WS is truely commited to changing and wants it to be over with the OP than there really is nothing you can say or do to change thier thinking.

I am married to a devoted, loving H and father and wish terribly that my feelings would go away for OM...however, I am not ready to end it. And, there is nothing that my H could say or do that would change my feelings at this point.

I totally realize how selfish and awful this sounds. I am sorry for that..I am just being honest with you. "

Sarie, I will just say again that in all the years I have been here I have never heard a more remorseless, cold and deluded WS. NEVER.

You can pull up all the old WS posts and hold a contest of sorts but it won't change my opinion. And like others have noticed, I now seriously suspect that this is simply a troll because of the level of delusion.

Sarie,

Not telling your H about the A is a DJ. Tell him and let allow him to deal with it in his own way. He probably already knows anyway as does everyone else in your "small rural area".

Seems to me that you are not so concerned with hurting your H due to the fact that you have deceived him for 10 years with the A. Your concern seems to continue to be yourself. You would be the shame of your small rural community should word get out. More than likely you would have several unkind labels attached to you also. You may even run a great risk at becoming divorced. So be it.

The goodness of your heart goes as far as your love for your H in this matter. You apparently don't love him enough to tell him. Who knows...maybe he doesn't love you enough to tell you of his A's either.

ba109

I think I must be somewhat deluded because almost everyone gives the advice to tell my husband about my affair and I deny that it is the only way!

God, I don't want to tell him!
Would I also have to tell my 3 daughters, their husbands, my mom, my mother-in-law, my 7 grandchildren.. My 11 year old granddaughter and I are SO CLOSE, she ADORES her Gramma Sarah, I don't want her to ever know.

Remorse would be big time if anyone knew!
I don't think I could stand to have them look at me differently.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW
Surly you understand that.
And yes I am weeping all over my keyboard!

Hello Sarah,

Yes, unfortunately, you will mostly get advice to tell your husband here. The people here that have managed to rebuild their lives have the 20/20 hindsight to know that secrecy & deceipt destroy a marriage - even if you belive that period is "over".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>To tell my husband would just be beyond any reasoning. Why hurt him now?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because it is wrong on so many levels. Your husband loves and cares for someone that he doesn't know - someone who doesn't really exist.

I'm assuming that if he did this - gave all his love and passion to someone else - you wouldn't want to know and just continue like a fool?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>The affair is over, my OM is marrying this lady, he said he is going to be faithful to her, and I think he should.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your OM has already demonstrated that under the right circumstances, the sanctity of marriage means nothing. You and he did this for FIVE years...do really think that he's not going to want that again when the passion in his marriage begins to wane?

...Sad story...

We all have ours. You have reasons for what you did, but the fact is you betrayed your spouse. If you are strong enough to bring this poor soul back to health, you should be strong enough to let the person that loves and cherishes you know the truth. It is not your position to decide whether he will forgive you or move on, it is his decision. Do you want to have a great marriage? Or do you want to live the lie and when something new comes along, do the same and continue to unknowingly hurt the person that loves you most?

MB is a place for building your marriage. If you are here to do that, then do it. Work on your marriage. Be honest with yourself and your husband. Make amends and put this behind you, but don't think you can live with this without telling your husband. Marriage is about honesty. Be honest........

Yes, Sarah, I know you don't want to tell him. I am under no illusions how very very hard it is.

But Sarah, a good person is defined by how they handle their mistakes, not in being perfect. You are not perfect, but I know you are good person. But you are a good decent person who has inadvertantly done a cruel thing. The way to undo that damage is to tell your H. Tell him who you are, Sarah.

We will help you and support you through this but it is the RIGHT thing to do. It is the moral thing to do.

Your family does not need to know. Only your husband HAS to know. He has to know who he is married to. It is the cruelest cut of all to not tell him and only compounds the adultery. And I know you are not a mean, cruel person. But to not tell him is cruel and manipulative.

Sarie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW
Surly you understand that.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why don't you want them to know?

You're surely not ashamed of anything?

I mean, it was Pure Love, wasn't it? Gosh, how narrow-minded of your family.

TA

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW
Surly you understand that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Some counsellors say everyone has to know and some say that they don't.

The A is "dormant" at the moment...if you are the one to tell your husband then maybe the whole family does not have to know. That is up to you and him.

I found out the worst way - by snooping and getting the proof on my own. It would have been SO much easier if my wife had just told me.

I was so hurt and furious - but my first instinct was to NOT TELL my family and her family - because I didn't want them to judge her or "take my side". Instead I came here and started reading and typing away, and got a MC.

Hello Sarie and Welcome to MB.

I have read your posts and most of the responses...

Please allow me to share my understanding of your situation and the priniples used here at Marriage Builders.

As you probably know, guys tend to over analyze stuff so please bear with me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . After reading your posts I think you are a woman who wants very badly to appear as giving. loving, caring, honest, etc. And in some parts of your life this might be true. But when you scrape that part away, the part that you want others to see, the part you want others to form thier opinion about you, what is left? What is at your core???? The answer is determined by actions...not feelings, not what you want the truth to be, but the truth of your actions.

Now here's the hard part...

Your core is filled with lies, deceit, and adultery. It is like a cancer growing inside you. Until you see it, until you accept that it is there, your world will continue to spiral dowmward.

You know the cure yet you are begging for someone to tell you differently. The cure is honesty. You see, without honesty you will never be truly happy. Whether you are married or divorced. Your core, the most basic person inside you, will not be happy without the clensing of being honest. Therefore, a relationship will not be a happy one without that honesty also.

To not tell your H about the A would guarantee YOUR long term unhappiness.

I know more about this subject than some others here...unfortunately <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . Until I was honest with myself, I was fearful, dishonest, and selfish. Much like you are right now.

Yes, it will be tough. Yes, he may leave you. But does he deserve to know? Of course he does. How does he deserve to find out? Through a friend? By snooping?

You will never be happy without Honesty.

Gib

Dear Gib.
I do not want him to ever know.
No one knew of the affair but the OM and myself.

I will never cheat again, the affair is over.
Perhaps I will be living with this in the core of my heart, but I do not want this 'cancer' of pain of knowing I was unfaithful to him, growing inside of him.

I will handle it, ALONE!

I will go on with my life the best I can and be the best wife possible WITHOUT TELLING HIM OF MY AFFAIR.

Your note was kind and thoughtful and probably right but I just cannot hurt my husband by telling him of this affair that is OVER.
I want him to think of me as his sweet faithful wife; even if there is a lie of deceit involved that only I know.
I think for us, for our marriage, it is best this way.
Thanks, Sarah

Sarie -

I truly wish you the best of luck...

The people here at MB are GREAT. But the first building block in Marriage Builders is exposing the affair and honesty...

That is why you have been told this over and over again.

God Bless <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gib

You think yours is the only sad sappy story??? Huh?? Let's GET REAL?!

My xOM was my husbands best friend. We'd been friends for years and AS A COUPLE we'd always enjoyed having him around. We often had him over for supper and went places together. We weren't as close as we had been for a while because he'd been hanging with more of his single friends, and we'd started hanging with another couple.

Then June 3, at 11pm, less than 12 hours after our sons adoption was finalized...a tornado swept through and took our house, vehicles, and entire farmstead, all while we cowered in the basement. That sad enough for ya? Oh wait...it gets better.

Now, I have no parents. My mom committed suicide when I was 4.5, and my dad a couple of years after we were married. Yup, they both killed themselves. Sad. So I have no real family here. My husband comes from a VERY large, catholic family who never really liked me much. So needless to say, they weren't there for us much either. The OM, however, chipped right in and helped us in every way he could. He had a nice big basement and everything that we could pull out of the trees or drag up from the basement, he let us store there. Our hero!! He was kind and caring and generous. It touched us both.

We found residence in an old farmhouse...I mean OLD. Things would chirp at me in the dirt basement when I'd trip down the old narrow stairs to do laundry. When I was at my most stressed I'd shriek out to come on out and fight like a man!!! Yea...it made me laugh to and seemed to shup up chirpy for a while. Needless to say, we were soooo stressed. A brand new baby, no home, no vehicles...heck, we didn't even have clothes to be honest with you. I wore other peoples underwear for a while.

I was very very grateful for a while. We LIVED! We SURVIVED! I tried to be as supportive as I could for my husband...but inside I was about to break. About 6 months later I did. That was about the time that the OM had me build a computer for him and I put AOL instant messenger on there. He'd be on at night and my husband would chat to him. Then I'd lean over his shoulder and tell him to write this or say that. Finally hubby just turned it over to me. OM and I had a great time bantering back and forth. I'm a quick wit and we had fun teasing each other and joking around. It was all innocent fun. But my friends started to notice a blush when I'd talk about him. A good friend of mine teased me about my 'boyfriend'. I liked it...

Then our chats were later. And then one time, girlfriend and I went out drinking and decided to drop in on him. Had a great time. But I was worried he'd tell my H, so I called him the next day and asked him not to. That started it all off. Now there was a secret.

We started chatting late into the night. He'd 'happen' to be on and I just couldn't sleep that night. Our talks turned personal... I told him how frustrated and depressed I was and that my H didnt' even seem to notice. He comforted me. I started complaining how my H would actually mock me because I liked receiving flowers. He told me he'd NEVER have any problem buying flowers for a woman and just couldn't understand how these guys (my H and his brother, the OM's best friend) wouldn't want to treat their wives better. Now OUR Hero was MY Hero.

Then one night he made a comment about leaving my H. He inferred from my statements that I was thinking about it...and I probably was TALKING about it, but at the time it was one of those idle threats. But he supported it...and so I started thinking about it more.

ANd on and on it goes....

You probably don't want the whole sordid event.

I just wanted to let you know that I DO understand. I DID have the same ugly shield of justification. When I first started posting on another site, I sounded very much like you do now. I used to call Pepperband names....told her she was judgmental and saw things in black and white. It was HER that didn't get it. Yea....right. Her encouragement and faith in me actually helped me out of my mire. So when you bare your claws at her, I get pretty tiffy. She's a WONDERFUL woman...I'm not sure you'll ever meet someone more compassionate. The fact that you're trying to fight with her says something about YOU.

I do hope you manage to take a good look at yourself. I've advised you in other posts...and I am not a betrayed spouse. And I AGREE with what everyone has told you. Please think on this. Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want him to think of me as his sweet faithful wife; even if there is a lie of deceit involved that only I know.
I think for us, for our marriage, it is best this way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, I just have to chime in here for a bit then I'm out. So it's all about what YOU want? What a selfish, one-sided, self-centered statement.

YOU want your husband living a lie.
YOU want YOU want YOU want.....

It's all about you isn't it? Marriage is a partnership, not servitude. What about what your husband thinks? Don't you think more of you marriage than allow it to be based upon such foundations?

I'm sorry, but I'm a BS who's wife DID tell him. Yes it hurt. Yes it rocked my world and changed the way I saw my W.

But if there is any chance our marriage can be saved, it's founded in trust and honesty.

Dear Harry.
You say I am self-centered and selfish.

Aren't all of us that way to a certain extent?
Everyone that is the mate of a WS, feels their own pain and hurt and do not take much into consideration their WS's pain of withdrawing from the other person that they care very deeply about.

That is just the way it is, we can only truly FEEL our own feelings; we can try to 'walk in their shoes' but in reality we can't.
Very sincerely, Sarah
I have to leave now to pick up my mom to take her to town. (She is 84 yrs. old.)

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

One other thing. You mentioned you are in a small town. We also live in a small community. The xOM is my husbands cousin. Needless to say no contact is difficult, but we manage pretty well. And most people out here know what happend. I am ashamed of what I did, but I don't walk around with my head held down either. I made a mistake and I've done everything I could to rectify it. I live an honest life now and I work to try to help others not fall in to the same traps I did. I have forgiven myself, my H has forgiven me. The xOM...well, he will or he won't. It's his choice and he has to live that choice. Bitterness and resentment are ugly things to live with. Hopefully he's past that.

The other day H and I quarelled. Actually, I did a lot of sulking. I was frustrated. Feeling unloved again. It brought back triggers of 4 years ago all over again. But I came to realize what brought it all on. Because Thanksgiving is the day we got back together and decided that no matter what, we were going to remain a family. Still, to this day, I struggle with whether he chose to stay with me out of convienence or because he really wants to be with me. I struggled with that 4 years ago...whether he ever married me because he liked ME or just because I was willing. I can name off a huge list of reasons I love my husband. He has a really hard time coming up with things about me. But I managed to get a few out of him yesterday. They certainly weren't what I would have gone for....but when I thought about what he'd said...it made perfect sense for him. He told me I'm a hard worker...and I am! Not exactly the most romantic thing to say about someone, though. Yet...from my husband that is a HUGE compliment.

Anyway, the core of what I've struggled with off and on all these years is that I want to know that my husband still chooses me...that he knows me...and that he still wants me. After everything I did, and despite all my faults...he does. And that makes me feel soooo good. Safe, secure, loved. I can go 364 days out of the year without questioning that, but once in a while I just need reassured. But my H knows what happend, he knows why, he knows how etc... So I KNOW that when he chooses me that he's got all the information.

Your husband may tell you he loves you, but the truth is you don't even let him know who you are. He can't possibly choose you, because you remain split. Two lives. That may seem 'romantic' and mysterious to you now. But wait a while. Someone called it a cancer. That's so true. Your discomfort will grow and eat at you. Your husband will notice that, just as he's noticed your distance from him over the past 10 years. He may continue to try to deny it, but you're doing him no favors by allowing that.

I know you won't believe us. Please...PLEASE, consider reading some of the books recommended. Maybe they can shed some light on why this is so important. Would you support a man who had 2 wives? Would it be ok, to you, that he never told one of those wives? Do you think that would be ok? What you're doing is living 2 seperate lives. One in your head and heart, and one in real life. No good can come of that.

Sarie:

I'm not sure what you hope to gain by coming to Marriage Builders? Could you enlighten us.....

You disagree with absolutely everyone's advice.

Do you want justification to go on telling a lie?

If so, let us know and we can all quit wasting our time.
DB