Please be patient as I am a first time poster. I don't even know if I belong on this board, but here is my story/my questions. I desperately need some support.

I am married,to a wonderful, intelligent, faithful man. But three years ago, I flirted heavily (meaning, with linked arms -- no kissing, etc.). I rarely drink (less than once every two years), but did drink that evening. (I hadn't planned to, but did at the time because it is culturally expected in Finland.) I didn't have the urge to kiss, etc., but I enjoyed the attention and compliments. I am disgusted that I could publicly disrespect my husband and marriage in such a way.

I am person who does not approve of cheating in the least. At the time this happened, my husband had been struggling to emerge with an almost year-long bout of mild depression (no interest in sex). I felt responsible (no rational reason to, it's just my personality) and neglected and unattractive. The oddest thing is that sober, I am not a flirt. And I love and respect my husband. So how could I do this?

One other point to mention, 7 years ago (while we were dating) and he was back in Finland for the summer, and I had an internship in San Francisco, I kissed someone else under similar yet different circumstances. My birthday, he hadn't called; vulnerable time in our relationship as he wouldn't "commit" by making some plan for us to be together after college. I was terrified of how connected I felt to him, of not having any control over what would happen with us, and the idea of him disappearing (going back to Finland) after college.

That was the "stage". Anyway, someone who I found attractive, but would never have responded to otherwise, kissed me. I kissed back. There was quite a bit of kissing that evening. Meanwhile, the next morning, when the effects of the inummerable shots of tequila wore off, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I was shocked and disgusted that I was capable of cheating. I talked to a girlfriend who told me that if I wanted to keep my boyfriend, then I should keep my mouth shut. During the next couple years, I never told him what happened. We grew closer and married. I buried the kissing incident.

Fast forward yet again. I've been married five years, but these two incidents started popping into my head a couple months ago and led to full-blown depression. I feel like a terrible person who doesn't deserve my husband. With the exception of periodic ups and downs that I feel most people face, we have had a wonderful relationship. We support each other. We are best friends.

Oh! And I forgot to mention, I confessed everything to my husband last month. He said he forgives me and trusts me completely and just wants to move on. But I can't seem to forgive myself. His kindness adds to my guilt. I am seeing a therapist who tells me I need to forgive myself and move on, otherwise I will cause a problem in my relationship.

Also, he's not curious to know any details about the incident 7 years ago. Even though we do have a great relationship, his inability to really open up to me has been a latent issue for many years.

Has anyone here any insight into this situation? Am I undeserving of my husband who has never cheated? Do I deserve to forgive myself? How, when you love someone so much, can you flirt with someone else? I've always thought of myself as someone with a strong moral character, yet this behavior is not the behavior of someone with strong moral character. I feel sick. And I can't move on. The depression has been crushing. Literally. I think about this all day, every day.

Background:
First, I will say that while my 5-year marriage has had it's difficult times (husband struggles with regular bouts of mild to moderate depression), I have loved my husband deeply since the week I met him (12 years ago). We met when he was visiting the US as an exchange student. We started dating, and then because of me, he returned to the US to attend college - the same one I attended. A year after graduating from college, we married and I moved with him back to Europe.

Please help!

Alegna

My heart goes out to you. Please be kind to yourself. You have obviously done everything in your power to put right your mistakes - but I think your guilt is very natural.

For your info, I was a WS(Wayward Spouse). I don't like tags, but it took me months before I could look in the mirror and actually recognise myself as my behaviour so appalled me. Your guilt is very natural and your remorse. Be grateful that your H is so kind and caring and doesn't want to dwell on these incidents.

Please read everything you can on this site. I think it will help you put things into perspective. Please also post here, because people will truly understand.

Now, what are you doing for yourself? You need to make you the best person you can be. You need to exercise (if that is your thing), get your hair cut, nails done, whatever will help you to start moving forward again. The changes in you will of course also be pleasing to your H. Cherish him. My M ended in DV with a very angry and none too forgiving X.

If you only confessed a month ago, it can take at least 6 months before you come to terms with your bad choices in life. My situation was full blown EA/PA and it took many months of IC and coming to this board to get through and become a better person today.

Could you also send your H here? He may be hiding his hurt and not sure how to process it as he sees how remorseful you are.

Take care and please come here as often as you can.

Wishing you well from London

Lisa.

Alegna

“Also, he's not curious to know any details about the incident 7 years ago. Even though we do have a great relationship, his inability to really open up to me has been a latent issue for many years.”

I can relate to your H’s reaction. I don’t believe I would want to know the details of the affairs. I would not want to destroy my image of you. I would not want to feel the pain and grief of betrayal. If, I allowed myself to have those feeling, the M would be in serious trouble. I might not be able to continue being married.

Trust is so very important in a relationship and when that trust is broken, it is hard to get back. We guys are way to good at denying our emotions. Believe me when I say that he was hurt deeply by your behavior. He is a guy and we guys have not been taught to express our emotions. In fact, we have been taught to NOT show our emotions.

Your husband loves you. He is willing to deny his feeling so that he can continue to love you. I believe that you have done your best to understand why and how the affairs happened. You know what not to do when it comes to alcohol. We all make mistakes. Your husband has forgiven you. It is time for you to stop punishing yourself for what happened in the past.

Beau

Hello Neighbour! (I live in Bergen, Norway.)

It is often helpful for us when we are guilty to accept the forgiveness if it is given through a formal ritual, and perhaps through visible means/ acts.
This is a central element of the sacraments and rituals in the Christian church. If you believe in God, I will advice you to use these: To confess in the church, in the presens of a witnesses, and then listen and accept when the priest/ pastor proclaims you forgiven. Also the sacrament of the bread and wine are visible means by which we are forgiven. The bread and the wine are real; they can be touched and felt. And they give us forgiveness for our sins.
Do you not believe in this, a ritualistic proclamation from your husband can still be helpful. Prepare the room, lit some candles, have one or more person as a formal witness present, and then you confess expressing you guilt in words. Therafter your husband proclaims you forgiven and free from your guilt against him and your marriage.

Afterwords you cling to and rest in the forgivness. When God and my husband both have forgivven me, who am I to blame myself therafter? Christ did not die on the cross in wain. His victory there has baught me this forgivness at a high price. Now it is mine!
Or if you prefer: My husband has faught hard with his pain and resentment. He has overcome himself and forgiven me. Should I make his hard work and pain to noting by refusing his forgivness?

These are tools to lay off the guilt from our shoulders. And they have worked for centuries. They can work for you also!

Good luck!

<small>[ November 27, 2003, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>