Sarie, you mentioned in your other thread 'What lead to me being an unfaithful wife' that your OM fulfilled a very important EN(emotional need) that your H did not, and that was he paid ATTENTION to you which made you fall in love with him. Do you beleive that if your H had given you the attention that the OM gave you, that you would have had an affair? Very unlikely ,right?

Sarie it takes BOTH spouses to make a happy and healthy marriage a reality. How is your H going to be able to do his part, when he doesn't have a clue what your most important EN's are to begin with? How is he going to realize that HIS neglect contributed to the environment that lead to you affair if you don't tell him the truth?

Sarie have you considered that it is not the OM that you really miss, but the ATTENTION he gave you? The OM became a symbol of attention. Wouldn't you like to have your H give you the kind of attention the OM gave you? Well that is NEVER going to happen if he continues to erroneously beleive that he is satisfying all of your most important EN's(emotional needs).

Please think about what I said.

(bumping thread up for exposure)

Tell you what, friends.
I will CONSIDER confessing to my husband in January.
I will think long and hard on it through the month of December and read read read anything dealing in whether to tell or not to tell when the affair is over.

You asked if it was the attention that I wasn't getting from my husband that led me to the OM.
Do you want honesty here?

I believe it WAS the attention from another man that was thrilling to me, new and exciting to this little inexperienced country wife.
I doubt if there was anything my husband could have done to prevent this path I took.
And that is the honest truth.

Love, Sarah (not plain and tall but kinda pretty and 5 ft. tall)

Go on down and read the message I posted in Hikers topic.

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Do you think we are going to let you off the hook with that one? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Not so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In all honesty.....you get to make the decision. I can only give you my insight from being in the same position once. But I do believe you deserve to be happy. And you will not truly find that until you can be honest with yourself, and your H.

Have a nice Thanksgiving, Sarie

Sarie I'm glad that you are considering telling your H after the holidays.

I highly recommend that you also read Dr Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends', and Peggy Vaughan's 'The Monogamy Myth' to further your understanding about affairs.

Here's something that might be of interest to you:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To Tell or not To Tell
by Peggy Vaughan


People who have had an affair often wonder whether or not they should tell their spouse. Every person must make this "to tell or not to tell" decision for themselves. However, there are some factors to consider that might not at first be obvious. While there's an understandable caution about the potential risk of telling about an affair, there's also a risk if it's "not" disclosed. In marriages where affairs are kept secret, certain topics of discussion are avoided because the deceiving partner fears being discovered and the other is reluctant to appear suspicious. This causes many relationships to be dominated by dishonesty and deception. It's doubtful that a couple can keep something like this hidden for the rest of their lives without a terrible strain developing. A large part of the high divorce rate may be due to the alienation caused by the dishonesty inherent in affairs, even if the affairs are never confronted. So it may be that there is no escape from the pain, regardless of whether the affair is kept hidden or exposed.

This is not meant to diminish the pain of finding out. But one of the advantages of volunteering the information about an affair instead of waiting until it's unexpectedly discovered is that it allows a degree of preparation that can significantly reduce the pain of finding out. The person doing the telling has a responsibility to take steps to increase the likelihood that the disclosure will lead to building a closer relationship rather than tearing it apart. First of all, they need to be motivated by a desire to improve the relationship, not a desire to unload their feelings of guilt. They also need to be prepared to hang in and work through their partner's reactions to the information, regardless of what those reactions may be.

So it's not a simple matter of whether or not to tell. It's a matter of why, when, and how. Perhaps the most responsible course is one that doesn't rule out telling "at some point," and uses that thinking to consistently improve the honesty and commitment to the relationship in such a way as to make it possible to eventually "tell." In the meantime, this will have the benefit of strengthening the relationship, regardless of whether it leads to telling about the affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks TMCM (too much coffee man)
I guess this is where I am in getting out of the fog:

"So it's not a simple matter of whether or not to tell. It's a matter of why, when, and how. Perhaps the most responsible course is one that doesn't rule out telling "at some point," and uses that thinking to consistently improve the honesty and commitment to the relationship in such a way as to make it possible to eventually "tell."

In the meantime, this will have the benefit of strengthening the relationship, regardless of whether it leads to telling about the affair."

Thanks again, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
QUOTE: "Your point of view depends upon your circumstances."

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 02:01 PM: Message edited by: Sarie ]</small>

Well, Sarah (pretty and small <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

I have no problem with you waiting until Jan to decide about telling your H, not that I have alot to say about it anyway. But, I do have a problem with you if you don't develop a plan to work on improving your marriage, redeveloping the intimacy that was and is missing, and for starting to reevaluate your feelings and perspective on what you have done and your marriage. THAT you should be doing NOW.

You need to maintain a strict no contact as well.

You asked a question about telling your daughters, and others. Let me offer you some things to consider. How do you think your daughters would feel if the find out their Mother cheated on their father? How do you think your D's would feel if their mother admitted her failings and then worked hard to regain the love and trust of her H/their father? How would your D's feel if you succeeded and they saw their mother and Dad in love like they haven't seen them in many many years if ever?

My guess is that you have very good daughters. My guess is that they would forgive you, and realize you are a human being. My bet is that they would blame their father as well. But, my biggest bet is that IF you and your H developed the marriage I am talking about, your D's would be very very proud of you. Your H would be proud of you, and you would be proud of you.

I explained to Sally about OPPORTUNITIES. Please read my response to her post to me.

Sarah (small and pretty), you do have an opportunity to be more than anyone ever thought, but it will take some knowing your are human. My father is long deceased, and he never really felt himself the hero, his family and his country felt he was. He knew he wasn't perfect, and he knew he had failed, but what he never knew was that I held him in such high regard NOT because he was perfect, but the accomplished so much while NOT being perfect.

You see it is easy to be faithful, if you have no desires. It is easy to be anything if you are gifted intellectually, physically, financially, etc. What is impressive is what people can and do while NOT possessing these traits.

You are selling a lot of people around you short. You are right they will be disappointed and your H crushed. What you don't know is that will survive it, learn from it, and become stronger.

Finally, Sarah(pretty and small) your H may decide to tell no one. Even here the concept of "radical honesty" is really only between spouses. If your A was still ongoing, THEN he would be strongly urged to tell family and friends, but now? No!

So as you consider all of this, focus only on your H. It is him that holds the future of how this goes, EVEN if you don't tell him. You owe him big time, really big time.

Have a good T-day.

God Bless,

JL

wow JL, powerful, yet again.

FYI, my husabnd chose to not disclose this to anyone...not even his very best friend...why? To protect my image.

IN some ways I wish he did confide because there have been days where he really needed to talk about it with someone other then me.

S.

Just Learning, your words are powerful. Even though they weren't directed to me, I welcome any knowledge I can gain from people on this site. Along with many others, you're always right on. Thanks

IMO disclosure of an affair includes immediate family, they have a right to know who you really are too, it is the only way to have an honest relationship with someone. Children for sure, absolutely, it is their life too, they have a right to know the emotional/psychological undercurrents of their childhood...parents, is optional, I advise it, but not if they are not safe. Religious community, or people (close friends etc.) to whom this knowledge would be important deserve your truthfullness...but such is tempered by the nature of the world we live in, and whether such information would be used to harm one...is a judgement call, but should be considered....especially anyone you choose to call friend.

Sarie,

My husband picked up His Needs Her Needs, in the waiting room of the doctors office. He was so impressed by it he went and picked up a copy for each of us.

After reading the book completely he made his decision to tell me about his affair.

I am so glad I didn't find out about it another way. I felt because he came to me, sat me down and told me the awful news; we had an honest place to start and rebuild.

Looking back during the time of the affair and the 4 years after the affair that he kept his secret; I didn't have all at all. He wasn't emotionally available to me during that whole time, and neither of us knew to what extent he wasn't available to me until we started the recovery process.

It's learning the lessons from the affair that are priceless. If you're not honest, then nothing can be learned. What do I wish he'd done differently? I wish I had a trusted marriage counselor lined up to help me with the huge emotional rollercoaster I was on in the beginning. It was tough! more later CSue