OK, here goes. I have two issues (which I will post separately) that I think are of importance from me to you. I am not going to attack your character. I am not going to attack anything. But I am going to tell you a little about me.

First issue....You wanted to know if there was anyone who was not caught, but told their H anyway.....

Well, you are looking at her. I confessed. July 8, 2003....2 days after my H's birthday.

To say the timing was bad is to euphemize....But in all reality. Here's why I confessed. It's very simple really, but it takes an incredible degree of self-honesty. Something that seems to ellude us during our A.

I was selfish for having the A, and I was selfish for hiding the A. Think about the reasons for not telling your H about the A:

Knowing about it will destroy him - OK, yes, knowing will hurt. But it was really the act itself which hurts. The act of the A, and the lies and deceit which accompany it. But since the act is done, we search for a reason why our S should not hurt.....but the hurt is already there. He's just too drugged up on our lies and deceit to really know or feel it. He's in "la la land" - an imaginary world or M which we created when we entered into the A.

He does not need to know - he's happy : He doesn't really know if he's happy or not. We stole the choice away from him. We built his happiness around lies and deceit. So we become "sacrificial" in rationalizing that we are responsible for the pain, so we must be responsible for protecting him from it. However, if we were really protecting our S, then we would not have had the A in the first place. So really, we are doing nothing more than just denying him an opportunity of "true happiness" instead of this imaginary world we created.

I can live with this secret - Can you? Really? I couldn't. Part of it was selfish. I couldn't handle the guilt. I also knew that our M had to change....neither of us were truly happy. I was certainly not....and my H really didn't know if he was because I chose to hide the truth from him. All not to hurt him. Very illogical, but it is what it was. The other part was not so selfish. I truly loved my H. And if I truly loved him, he needed to have the courtesy, the respect, the choice to decide if he wanted to be with me. The real me. The me who made human mistakes. The me who screwed up royally. Or maybe he deserved better. But could I blame him for that? No. Not at all. If I truly loved him, wouldn't I want the best for him?

You see, Sarie....the only TRUE reason for you not wanting to tell him is fear . Fear that you will lose control of the situation. Fear that you will lose him. Fear that the life you have built will end. Fear that you will not have the opportunity to go back to OM if that is what you desire. Fear that you might lose your family's respect. Fear that you might have a reputation.

Fear that you will have to pay the consequences for your actions.

Sarie....I have been there. I have done it. Granted, my A wasn't 10 years long, but when it all boils down to it, it really doesn't matter. It was an A - period. And I was the one who had it.

You talk about being a good person. Well, a good and noble person would not be the cause of a "hit and run" accident and not come back to take responsibility. Now granted, it will take some people longer to return than others. Some will return right away. Some will try to live with it for years. But a truly good person will take responsibility for their actions. A truly selfish person will carry that weight on their chest and not feel it at all.

My guess from some of your posts (if you really are crying, sad, etc) is that you are already beginning to feel that weight. Do you know why? Probably b/c you don't share it with OM any more. Because it's all on you now. And you can try to carry it. But all it will do in the end is postpone your happiness. See, your H may think he's happy now. But inside you know truthfully you are not. Yes, you can do as you said and "act" happy - "fake" it. But don't you deserve happiness also? Even as a WS? Even as someone who committed a sin? Do you not deserve the chance to repent and be ultimately happy?

Sarie, you will not find true happiness either until you take responsibility. JMVVVHO.

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: lost in tx ]</small>

I just wanted to add $0.02 to what lost in texas said

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First issue....You wanted to know if there was anyone who was not caught, but told there H anyway.....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like LIT I am also a FWS who was not caught but confessed about my affair to my husband.

Alrighty now. Second issue.....the intent to hurt others with an A.

I agree with you on this one.

When I entered into my A, it was not my intent to hurt my H, my OM's W, or my OM's family.

However.....

I did it anyway. While it was not my intent, I followed through with the action of my own selfish volitions.

I will liken it to a person who commits suicide. They are driven by a selfish intent - the intent to not feel whatever pain is hurting them. While they know that it will hurt people they love (family, friends, etc), the selfishness usurps whatever unselfish motives they could lean on for not doing it. So they kill themselves....and yes, they no longer feel pain. But the people who are left living, who do feel the pain are left to bear the responsibility of the why's...the how's....the what if's.

You see, an A is almost like a marital suicide. But we, as WSs, sometimes get a second chance at life. And that is when our BSs love us enough to try to forgive. But that path to forgiveness if filled with a lot of difficult things to overcome.

One of the biggest is hurt. The BS has the task of trying to overcome the hurt of the A, as well as any hurt in the previous M. But the WS has to over come any personal hurt of theirs. That may come from the previous M....that may come from a childhood event....that may come from a death in the family.....

Sarie, I truly hold fast to the belief that most people (note I said most ) have A's because they are hurting. For OTG (in recovery), it was the death of his mother. For me, it was the hurt from events in my M, residual hurt from my father's treatment of me, and an abusive relationship prior to my M. For Stunned-Dad-Fast-Recovering's WW, it was hurt from an abusive childhood, and a rape.

It takes a strong person to really look into themselves - to look past the blame - past the pain - and actually deal with it. It takes a strong person to change. And the deal is that we are all strong enough. But are we unselfish enough?

Sometimes the true path to internal peace, a good M, and true happiness is not the easy one. It is filled with all kinds of obstacles that must be moved, overcome, lifted, or gone around. The only way to get to that beautiful scenery is to take the unbeaten path.

Think about highways. Most people use highways because they are the fastest, shortest, easiest ways to get somewhere. Do you ever find the most beautiful lookout points, waterfalls, ocean spots on the biggest highways? Nope. The most beautiful spots are off the beaten path. They are the roads that you have to take slowly - that have rocks - that have bumps - that you have to find. But the end result is a place where you can enjoy and find peace.

Is that not something you want, Sarie?

"The road to heaven is paved with good intentions." But if the foundation of the road is faulty, it will crumble before you even get there.

There is no short cut to happiness. I will not try to dissuade you from telling your H. That was/is/always will be your choice. But I will guarantee that you will not find that place of peace - that place of beauty without taking full responsibility for what you did.

I do not believe you are a bad person. I do not believe you intended to hurt anyone. In fact, I think you are most likely suffering from some very deep pain of your own. But in the suffering, you made a very grave error. And consequently, you did hurt someone...he just does not know it.

You must deal with your pain. He must deal with his. Only then will you find the true meaning of happiness.

Again. JMVVVHO

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: lost in tx ]</small>