I did it today.

After not hearing from OM In 1 week, I caved.

This morning I felt fairly well too when Igot up.

Then I got all from bacnk and we got declined for a mortgage for a house we were GOING to put in an offer on today.

My hub and I got in HUGE fight over this, andthen it carried on into other issues, one being the A.

And I caved...I wrote him, the OM. I said I was thinking of him blah blah.

Immediately after I felt terrible.

I know that I am really awful, but I am human. I have made mistakes and continue to make them.

I wasn't sure if I should tell you all, I didn't want to yet again, disappoint. Especially after I read a post to Sarie saying she didnt belong here.

I hope you are not all infuriated.

I dont' know what I am asking of you by posting this.

I hope I did not offend you all.

Sorry,
Sally.

Dear dear Sally.
I have been wondering and worrying about you since we haven't heard from you for awhile.

I wish that your OM would just e-mail you and at least let you know it is over, tell you to stop the e-mails or whatever so you can get closure and start the healing process.

Your husband knows so you have taken the first right step in your healing, according to the people at this site.

Have you went and read any of the articles by Dr. Haley?
There is one that reminded me so much of you, as it was mostly an e-mail affair...A person can share a lot of feelings through writing.

Once you mentioned that you e-mailed back and forth with your husband...You said you occassionally did that and that seemed like a good way to communicate.

It is sad he is bringing up the Affair in a discussion about something else.
I think the people here can help you, Sally.

They are not wanting to get RID of us, even if we are the epitome of what they abhor (the OW or WS) as some have been there themselves and do understand.
Love Ya Sally, Sarah

Sally I for one am not offended, and it really doesn't surprise me that the stress of your fight with your H was a contributing factor in you writing to the OM. Very few WS's have the emotional fortitude to resist contacting the OP when things are not going so hot in their marriages.

What you need to do is tell your H that the fight you two had earlier stressed you out where you succumbed to writing an e-mail to the OM. Why would you do that? To make him aware that he is contributing to an unsafe emotional environment for you where the temptation of contacting the OM becomes very hard to resist. Hopefully your H will become more sensitive and avoid love busting you in the future.

Good luck and God bless.

Hey Sally,

Well, here's the 2x4 - BAM! Did that hurt? That's all your getting from me. You just fell into a hole that most WSs fall into. Don't sit there and wallow.....just climb out and move on.

No, really, seems as if you realize it was a mistake. That in and of itself is a step in the right direction. And also take into account the feeling you got afterwards. While before (in the throws of the A), you would probably have been able to suppress the hurt and pain you know you caused. Now you wrote, and you are actually feeling the consequence - GUILT. And it is a horribly powerful feeling.

The good part of this is that you no longer feel joy from contact. And that is important. It can actually help motivate you. You no longer get pleasure from the A. Rather you get an extra "pang" of guilt. Remember that when you want to contact him next.

Sally, anyone and everyone deserves to be on this board. I don't remember if I told you or Sarie to read up on Truly Madly Deeply (also TMD). He spent at least a month or two doing what Sarie did before he really began to be honest with himself and realize what people here preach. It is good reading if you have some time....

The point is that we are all here to help one another. People will get frustrated for many reasons - some people will have very real and horrible pain from the A. Some people will be brought back to a place where they were when they were in the A. Some people will feel shame. Some people will feel hatred. Some people will feel giving.

The common thread is that we all have been on one side or another of the issue. We all have advice and help to give. Some people do it by challenging others....some people do it by likening to them.....some people do it froma religious perspective....some people just remind others that everything is laid out right here in this website, and if the recipe is followed, you will recover. Although we all have different approaches, each one holds its own value.

Not everybody is going to "like" everybody (been over to the Recovery Board lately?). BUT wade past those and keep looking for advice. The only time you need to heed caution is when not one single person agrees with you. That's when you really might need to reevaluate whether you are truly seeking help or just looking for justification.

Stay Sally. I have a feeling one day you will be the one dishing the advice <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Im so so upset here crying.

Sarie, thanks. I am going to go look some of those articles up.

Yes, the A through email was very intense. INfact, that distance we had between all that time made the one time we did come together to be intimate all the more firey and passionate.

I REALLY don't want people here to think that I dont want to be married or do the right thing....I just haven't started to do it yet.

Everyone here helped me get through a whole week of not hearing from OM...I can guarantee I would not have abstained that long with you all.

Sally.

No one is "infuriated" with you. You're remorseful, you're trying. Withdrawal is very hard.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that I am really awful, but I am human. I have made mistakes and continue to make them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Re-read what you have said above. This statement, as you have written, tries to let you off the hook. It tries to make excuses.

Let's reword it:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that what I have done is really awful. I have made mistakes and want to start doing the right thing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see the difference? You have to "own" your behavior. Being human is no excuse. True, humans make mistakes because of our humanity, but we don't commit a behavior predicated on our imperfection. There's something in the Bible about "sinning more that grace may abound...No!"

With that said, I can empathize with how you feel. I wanted to contact my OW so badly for about six months after the affair. I tried to hide it, but my wife knew I struggled. She rose above it and loved me anyway. What's really weird is that she told me that the fact I was struggling was somewhat comforting to her. She was worried about me being the kind of person that could use another person (OW) and not have feelings for them.

You need your husband's help to get through this. Tell him what you did. Apologize. He may initially be angry, but your honesty will go along way towrds rebuilding trust. Give him the passwords to all your email accounts and let him check behind you regulary. Set them to save sent mail so he can see.

If you set up an accountability structure, it will be so much harder for you to "impulse" contact your OM if you know you can't hide it from your H.

Stay strong, Low

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 01:23 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

Sally,

Did you mail the letter or not? It really doesn't make any difference really. People do slip, the only question is what are you going to do about it?

As for the arguement with your H over the house and the loan. I can imagine you are BOTH very disappointed over not being able to get the new house, and I am sure your frustrations and his came out. So I would like to suggest that you stop and collect yourself. You know part of your H's frustration is your A, and it is NOT over is it? It is something you are TRYING to step away from, but you are not wholly back with your H emotionally are you?

I would suggest that you acknowledge his frustration, accept whatever blame is due you for the arguement and apologize and reassure him that he is who you want to be with. I would bet a lot of money that he feels that no getting that loan is his fault and he fears that this failure on his part makes you wish you had gone with OM. He may or may not know the details but remember one thing: Anger is a secondary emotion and it is often driven by fear, guilt, shame, pain, etc. Ask your H about what drove his anger? Talk with him about it, and then reassure him.

Sally, you made a big mistake getting into an arguement with your H, you compounded it by writing your OM, BUT, it is an opportunity for you to grow and show your H things about you that he hasn't seen in awhile.

My bet he is angry at being turned down, and that is fueled by his feeling that he can NOT match up to who you want as an H. Ask him, why he wanted that house. Ask him what he felt when he heard the loan wasn't approved. If you listen carefully you will see the wounds, do your best to heal them, and it will start to heal you as well.

God Bless,

JL

THank you lost...you specifically have given me hope at a time when i think i had NONE.

Sarie as well, your caring has helped me get through as well.

I had absolutely NO faith that I would be able to even eat, and gt though the day without contact when I Came here last week.

The fact that I accomplished at least a week wihtout hearing from him gives me some motivation, even if during the "up" moments I still have doubt. At least I now have "up" moments.

I am determined I will break free of the OM one day..hopefully sooner then later. BE the best wife and mom. Have a great and loving marraige.

I emailed my husband (sadly, we communicate better this way)...I never told him that I contacted OM, but I told him his anger and the way that I get "scared" of his potential responses from comments I make (Even general comments) makes me very unhappy. I dont want to have to censor what I say and do and he makes me feel no freedom that way.

He told me is going to try to be nicer and not so testy.

LIT, I am going to try tonight to get some time to go through TMD"s posts.

Thanx.

Sally.

Sally, the article I was referring to can be found by going to the top of this page, clicking on Home and the Recovery...You and your OM did not have the together time though that this person did....This is how the article begins.


Dear Dr. Harley,
I have been married to my husband for 3 years, and we lived together 4 years prior to our marriage. He is wonderful husband and loves me so much. But during the past two years he became very involved with work and was not able to give me the attention he had shown me earlier.

Last year I developed an e-mail relationship with a man on the internet and we sent each other several letters a day for about a month. By the end of the month, I was in love with him and really believed that he was my soul-mate. So I left my husband and moved to the city where he lived to be with him. But after a few weeks, I became very depressed and missed my husband. Even though my lover and I always had a good time together, I felt something was wrong and I was very confused.

After being separated from my husband for three months, I decided to return to him, even though I was still in love with my lover. However, I stayed in contact with my lover without my husband's knowledge. My lover would come to see me almost every weekend and we talked on the phone every day.

sarie

i will look that up, thanks.

ya know, maybe no response to this email is gonna ring a friggen bell for me, that he doesnt care.

he told me that hed be there for me during this needing a break time...but 2 heartfelt emails and no response.

i shouldnt be wanting one, i know. perhaps it is a good thing...one can only take so much rejection...maybe that will be the answer?


sally

Dear Sally:

Have you and your husband went through the EN and LB questionnaires?

These can be powerful tools for realizing how we communicate with each other.

My FWH also had AOs (angry outbursts) with me over anything I said. Once we went through the questionnaires and it was pointed out to him that he does that and how it makes me feel, he has tried much harder at keeping those in check.

Sometimes, our bad behavior is a habit that we feel comfortable with even though it's not healthy. Breaking it is hard but love can get you through it.

I hope you weren't referring to my post to Sarie when you said that some of us are saying you don't belong here. I was trying to ask Sarie what she hopes to gain from a marriage building program when she is adamantly against the very foundation of marriage: honesty. I hope you both stay and as LIT says: you'll be the ones dishing out advice someday telling of how you've been there and done that.

Give your hubby a hug, tell him you love him.
DB

DB
It may have been your post that I remember, not sure. It's ok though. Just wanted to remind all of why I am actaully here.

I will look up those questionaires. My hub has always been "testy" with me especially. Funny, my cousin was over last night and made a comment on how i could stand it. Said if she were me she'd want to bget out of house, away from that crap (about how he reacts and flips out over the smallest things I say and do- always has, just been worse now).

Well, Im off to play Mrs. PTA...school will be out shortly.

Thank you all and I will be back.

Sally.

Dear Sally,
I have been reading all your posts and Sarie's too, I can relate so much to everything you guys are going through. I too, felt the need to contact OM after D'day, and did a pretty good job of justifying it it my mind, that it was all right, just to say "hi" and ask him how he was doing. It was always a battle between my heart and my mind, I knew in my heart that it wasn't right but my mind kept telling me it was OK. I would just agonize over it for hours sometimes...Do I call? No I shouldn't, But I want to soooo bad, I just need to hear his voice, But I know I will feel so guilty afterward and I'll wish I hadn't given in. Is it worth it? I just want to see how he's doing. No one will have to know. After all, we've been friends for 5 years, how can anyone think that we can just stop being friends just like that. They'll understand. And if they don't that will make me angry, after all I am only human. What do they expect???... And it would go on and on.

After finding this site and reading and reading and reading, I realized how awful it was to continue having contact with OM and how in a way it was just continuing on with the affair. The guilt I felt after talking with OM and the fear that my husband would find out and the consequences of that, became so unbearable that pretty soon the guilt and fear became greater than my need to talk to OM. Not that I still don't have the desire to, because I do, but I just know that I can't if I want to keep my marriage. It's only been 3 weeks since my last contact with OM and D'day was in April, but I know now that I have to do everything in my power and God's, to not call OM or try to see him. I have just made up my mind that that's what I have to do and I feel now, for the first time in 7 months, that I can overcome the temptation. It's not easy, sometimes I miss OM so much and miss talking to him (we talked almost every day, sometimes for hours)I just cry. But the relationship was wrong, no matter how you look at it, and now I am suffering the consequences of my bad choices, but I'm finally starting to feel that I will get through it. (today anyway)

Sally and feelin'blue have you considered calling your H's as soon as you get the urge to contact the OM?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IM AN UTTER FAILURE </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sally:

I think the title of your thread says alot of how you view yourself and perhaps this is why you feel you must validate yourself and your sense of self-worth through an affair.

Consider this:

You may perceive yourself as a failure and worthless, but it doesn't matter. God loves you anyway. Even if you disapoint yourself and let yourself down, he will not.

Have Faith. In God, in your H and in yourself.

Peace.

Thank you feeling blue....wow, that sounds like you have made a turnaround. You are exactly as I hope to be. I want those feelings for him, the ones I never knew Id ever be capable of having before March 1st when we met, to go away. IT is so painful. I feel rejection too, that he doesnt write back. I was too needy and I think I suffocated him. Im sure its all for the better becasue the relationship is wrong, I know.

I told my husband for the wrong reason, to relinquish my guilt, and sometimes I really wonder if It was right.

Now,I sit here and theres a distance between my hub and I, and I dont have OM. I hate to say this, but the feelings the OM gave me and those feelings still fresh in my mind make me think that my hub isnt capable of making me feel the same. THat scares me, because I want those feelings daily.

I still want to continue this board daly in the hopes it will be my one saving grace.

I do want to get and feel better...do the right thing.

Sally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sally2003:

"I told my husband for the wrong reason, to relinquish my guilt, and sometimes I really wonder if It was right."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry Sally but I don't subscribe to the notion that it is selfish to confess an affair because of guilt. If you have kept the truth about your affair a secret, the guilt would have eaten you alive and poisoned your marriage until it would have died. So how is that suppose to be good? No Sally no matter how you look at it you did the right thing in confessing the affair to your H.

Sally,

Everyone makes bad choices. Its what we do after to correct them that matters. You are stronger then you think. But, you do need to be open and honest with your H about the Email. Its also a way to show him your trying. He can help you through this if he understands what not to do. Both of you need each others support.

Next time you feel the need to email, post here instead, vent here, read here. Afterwards talk to you H about what your feeling and thinking.

Time, Patience and Love

Sally,

Here is something to encourage you... Read it an make it your own. Remember, your are NOT a failure... You're a very precious creation and child of God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

--------------------------------------------------------------

REMIND ME GOD:

When I am lonely and Perhaps I feel despair,
Let not my ailing heart forget That YOU hear every prayer...
Remind me that no matter what I do or fail to do,
There still is hope for as long as I have FAITH in YOU...
Let not my eyes be blinded by Some folly I commit,
But help me to regret my wrong And make amends for it.
Inspire me to put my fears Upon a hidden shelf,
And in the future try not to Feel sorry for myself.
Give me the restful sleep I need Before another dawn,
And bless me in the morning with THE COURAGE TO GO ON.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sally2003:
<strong>I do want to get and feel better...do the right thing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did the right thing. TMCM's suggestion is very good, call your H as soon as you feel the urge of contacting OM. Heck, call anybody but OM. If you are not comfortable yet to talk about it w/ your H there is other way. In my church we have accountability group for men's who try to get out of adictions, including p0rn/s3x. 4-5 guys commit to the wayward one as his support system, available to be reach call/talk or spot check. You might want to reach a few lady MBer to build your own network. Orchid would not mind to be your support. This could be your support system. You don't need to be alone and please stay in the board and keep posting. There are always members that lurks around. And if you are a Christian you know you should have personal R with HIM, HE never leave us nor forsake us.

God Bless you.

-rh-