Please help me! I partially confessed my affair 13mos ago. I fully confessed in February . . . nothing is working! I posted under please tell me how . . .

No pity party intended . . . I really don't know how to please my H. I want to move on in our marriage. Yes, I was hugely wrong & there are a ton of things to learn from that--I have experienced incredible growth. I feel feel feel that my H keeps putting me back to that former ugly place in a very unconstructive way.

Please don't reply if you are going to be mean. I fully know that I was terribly wrong. I really need some mercy & grace right now . . . this is taking so long. I know it won't be better overnight, but the words I hear are still very sharp.

Im not familiar withy our story but I see your hurtting.
Unfortunately this path your on will take a huge investment of time and patience.
AS to your spouse if the desire is there to repair the marriage you can not be beat about the head with your past daily...Its not easy,it is in fact very hard. Ive been taking a break from the boards and working on myself.IM lucky in my spouse is remorseful but IM forever changed. I will never be the same person I once was.Hes lucky that I realize I cant beat him up with it ...I cant tell you where Ill be in two years IM going day to day but Im doing all I can, it takes time. I hope I made sense, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

dino

for people to help you we need to know more specifics about what is exactly happening that keeps putting you back..

there is a huge difference between working things out and punishing a spouse...on both sides of the spectrum...

If your husband is committed to recovery
and you are committed to recovery...then you need a plan and a path to recovery

are you in counselling now...

what words are he using...
are they truth
or are they just cruel to hurt you...

the more concrete you are here...the more others can understand the big picture..

ark

Dear one.
I am in a place of whether to confess to my husband of my 10 year, mostly daily telephone conversation affair with some intimate times together affair.

An affair that has been over since the first of August.

Your note sure scares me!
Do you regret telling him, is he an unforgiving man.

What I would hope is if I do tell him, that it will never be mentioned again!
Does your husband bring the affair up often?

I read that Dr. Haley said we do not need to tell them the intimate details of what we did with our lovers...That is reassuring to me!

I hope the people here will give you some good advice that will sincerely help you.
Love, Sarah <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dinorella,

I am guessing at the status of things so let me state them so that you can correct me if I am wrong.

The affair is over and OM is not in the picture.

You disclosed part of the truth awhile ago and the rest of it in Feb.

You are having a hard time rebuilding your marriage.

Your H is having a hard time getting around this and rebuilding the marriage.

If I have the story even half right then I would like to recommend two books for you to read. The first is called Surviving an Affair by Harley. You and your H need to read this. The second book is called His Needs Her Needs also by Harley. You two both need to read this as well.

The first book will illuminate things about your affair that you may not be aware of. It will illuminate things about the affair I am relatively sure you H had no idea about. It will help you two find some common ground upon which to talk.

Next read HNHN. One of Harley's most interesting thoughts on marriage is that often couples fail to meet each others needs not because they don't love them, but because the don't know what they are. They may be self evident to you but not to your spouse. Worse, couples often do know the other persons needs but meet them in the "wrong" way, so it is as if they did not meet them at all.

It is a classic case of miss communications. To cure this you BOTH need to know your own needs and those of your spouse. The questionaire in the book and on this site can help you both.

Next, the Harley approach and the comments you see on this site are based on two MAJOR tools. The concept of "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. These two tools when used will prevent misunderstandings and sacrifical marriages. POJA means that NOONE should sacrifice for a marriage unless BOTH parties agree to the sacrifice and how it will be handled. Harley goes so far as to say that a divorce should POJA'd.

All of this leads to the 4 rules for marriage that Harley uses. They are common sense and frankly you have heard them many places.

The point here is that you need a PLAN. The method that I have crudely outlined is a plan.

Identify the problems.
Honestly discuss the problems, feelings, whatever.
Agree on what action should be taken.
Live by the four rules.

Much of this information is in the articles here. A few people have the bookmarks to these items in there sig lines. Coffeeman, and ForeverHers do, I am fairly sure so look up one of there responses or posts.

Finally, if I understand what you are hinting at, your H brings up the affair constantly. Now, not only is it fair for a BS to bring up the affair, it needs to be discussed and questions honestly answered, but hammering the WS with the A is counter productive after a period. You need to ask him if he wants to be married to you? If he does, ask him why he enjoys hurting you so much? If he says I don't, then say you constantly bring up the affair is killing my love for you. Is that what you want? Then explain you understand he is hurt, but he doesn't have to fear you forgetting what you did, you never will and neither will he, but forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

Finally, "radical honesty" requires that you answer any questions he has to the level of detail that he wants. If you know the answer will hurt him, tell him that it will and ask him to think about it for awhile. (What does he want the info for? What help will the answer give him? Will the answer make him feel better, develop confidence, trust, etc?) If the answers are yes, then tell him to come ask tomorrow and you will answer in as much detail as he wants, but you want him to protect himself by thinking long and hard. You will answer this question later if he wants there is no timelimit so if he has any doubts about wanting to know, tell him to wait until later. He is NOT on the meter.

If he understands this, he may take more care with the questions, and it will reassure him you are not pulling another one on him. You are HONEST AND CARING at the same time. Just remember you know the WHOLE story, he knows only the betrayal.

Please think about this, and have a good Thanksgiving.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your replies!

JL, right on. Sarie--tell, and tell all the FIRST time.

I don't know how to go from here . . . we are not in counselling. We had limited counselling with our pastor. He basically said the rest is up to us--he could do no more. My husband hasn't wanted to seek a (no offense to our pastor, he's great!) REAL counsellor. He says he will attempt to call the Harley number soon. That gives me some hope.

It seems that any unrelated tension can cause the words to come out. Some words are truth, like you committed adultery, you lied to us (I have 2 children). Some words are cruel--I don't want to give examples. They are degrading.

Be concrete . . . I had not been given permission to seek further help until yesterday. I do have an fabulous accountability partner, but she is mostly there to keep me in the God's Word.

H & I tried reading HNHN together. The examples were triggers to him. We destroyed the book. Sorry Mr. Harley.

More than he knows? Yes, you are a different person because of this! I know! On this side, I have changed also. The blessing of this is that I have really come into me. I used to be so dependant on people . . . part of the affair! I have since lost so many people out of my life; I have physical boundaries because of this which I don't usually want to cross. But I do have a friend that I cannot visit because of where she lives.

Where I used to be so dependant, my husband sees this as coldness & independance vs. interdependant. He may be partially right, but from what I've heard, it's a process. Dependance to independance to healthy interdependance. My husband frequently asks why I don't reach out to him--yet he isn't reaching out--there's a difference in love languages. Mine is words, I think his is physical touch. I need to learn to touch him.

My husband says that I want to be leader of the house--nothing could be further from the truth--'you want to be leader of the house. Look where that got us' kind of thing. This isn't my motivation. H doesn't trust me. I understand. I don't know how to prove my heart. I feel like the real me is rejected, told what I think & why I'm doing it, told how I used to do it, told my actions are just like they were then.

I've given details. The questions are about that. They are 'where do you stand?' 'are we enough for you?' 'what's it going to take for you to love me?' 'is all that disgusting to you?' 'is he disgusting to you?'

Much of this is in front of the kids. It is no longer daily--Thank You, Lord! It is still weekly and very intense.

Thanks all. I appreciate it.

By all means have him call the Harley's. You two have no idea how good they are. But, warn your H the first few times he talks with either Steve or Jenn he may feel like HE had the affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It will pass.

One other thing to understand is that their counseling is really "coaching" you two. So tell your H to hang in there with them for a few sessions.

As for you, if you know your H loves touch, give it to him. Reach out to him, he is looking for reassurance, and he needs it NOW.

As for your independence, I have no problem with this, but one of the most fatal things one can do in a marriage is "independent action". That is why Harley set up the POJA and the concept of radical honesty. People tend to drift and then start acting "independently" of their spouse. Your H is very right to fear this.

However, there are ways for you to allow yourself to develop and NOT strike fear in your H. The two are via "radical honesty" and the POJA. If you use these, you will find that your H has more confidence in your and your goals. He will learn to trust again, and he will begin to see that you can formulate and actuate things without HARMING him and the marriage.

POJA allows you to bring ideas, thoughts, something you desire to the table, independently of him thinking about it. Then you two negotiate the resolution until you are both satisfied with the solution. It will free you in ways you cannot understand, and yet it will force you two to be interdependent via the negotiation.

I think what he is asking is that HIS fears, concerns, and position be considered. You may have not figured this out yet, but the biggest problem you face is not what he thinks of you, but what he thinks of himself. What he fears and right now it is a lot.

You two can POJA the name calling, and discuss better ways for him to vent, or discuss his issues with you. Name calling is his way of protecting himself for he fears you won't. If you use radical honesty and the POJA you two can come up with ways for you to protect him.

Dino, you don't know this but it is your H who is the most afraid right now. He is in the "fight or flight" mode hence the anger and name calling.

When he starts to go nonlinear do the unexpected. Just walk over, take his hand, kiss him, smile and walk out of the room, telling him you love him and will talk with him when he calms down. You will see on very very surprised man. Then do to him what most women do with one another. Empathize with him. Explain you know he has anger, you know he is frustrated, and then ask him if he would like to tell you about it. Then if you realize that anger is a secondary emotion, you will start to see if it is fear, guilt, pain, whatever driving it. Address that, and you will see the anger go away.

Dino, you two do need counseling, but failing that realize he is in pain, and he doubts himself far more than he doubts you. You have crushed something in him and he is afraid to admit to you. He is like most of us guys in that way. We never want to admit weakness for fear someone will use it against us. So don't ask him to admit it, just know it is there and go the heart of the matter. Hence the suggestion to kiss him, take his hand, and smile when he starts to get angry. You will short circuit a lot of things.

You broke this, you can help put it together. Oh! and when you need help with your feelings, your fears, your emotions, go to him, touch him, and ask for his help. Allow him to help you solve the problems. You will start to see very big changes once this pattern sets in. That is why Harley counsels NO LOVE BUSTERS. Find another way to express yourself and handle his anger. My suggestion is just one way.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

JL,

Your words have been so valuable! Thanks! (Just to prove that my independant actions have been incredibly infrequent, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> H has been reading all of these with me . . . hence the vagueness at first!--I will be guard against independant action.)

He will be calling the Harley's. You have touched my H's heart. He has asked that I discontinue looking at this site because of the reminders, so I won't be on again.

I do thank you so much! And I will touch him more!

We will pray that God's right hand of favor be upon you. Happy Thanksgiving!