Hi Everyone,

I just found this forum and am hoping that it will be a source of support for me. I found out 3 weeks ago (November 4th to be exact--that day will be burned into my brain forever) that my husband was having an affair for the last 2 years. The thing is, he was sleeping with her a year before we got married then continued it a year afterwards. It is all very confusing to me and I am crushed about the whole thing. Of course I asked him a million times why the hell did you marry me?

He is not seeing her anymore. As a matter of fact the only reason I found out about it is because I intercepted an email that he sent her where he said something along the lines that he's sorry about how badly the two of them left things the last time they saw each other and that he hopes she is doing well and is happy, blah, blah, blah. We do not even live in the same state as her anymore.

Needless to say, I sent her an email and words were exchanged. Although that went on only when I first found out and I have no desire to ever contact her again. Basically I told her that my husband and I would work through this because we love each other and it would take more than a piece of trash like her to change that.

I think I am past the initial shock and anger. My husband swears that he loves me and will do anything to make it up to me. The first week was hell...could barely look at him and definately not touch him. Then we proceeded to go to the bookstore and grabbed many books on the subject. Marriage counseling will be started soon. He is doing everything that he needs to do to help me get through this. He is answering all my questions honestly, even though the answers may hurt. I do believe that he is truly sorry and I know that he loves me. We are going to do our level best to get through this.

It's just so hard for me to understand. And maybe I never will understand. He totally denies that he had any feelings for this woman. He said that once it started he just couldn't stop. Looking back, I see where he probably saw her at least once a week. But then it did taper off to maybe once every two weeks or so. He said she was fine with him calling her at his whim for a booty call. I do know this person, by the way, and it makes my blood boil that I saw her at work and that she even actually contributed to the group wedding gift at work...uggh.

We've been married just over a year but we have a long history together. And I haven't been exactly perfect in this relationship either. I broke off our first engagement and had a fling with a man from work and it crushed him. He fought so hard to get me back. I sincerely regret that happened and I know I was being stupid and selfish. Which is why I really don't understand why he fought so hard to get me back if he was going to start sleeping with someone else...well, there wasn't much sleeping going on.

I know this is long and I'm sorry but I am so confused. How could someone love you and do this? How could he have been at her house on Christmas morning (our first married Christmas, while I was at work) and then spend the evening with me opening gifts, one of which was a diamond eternity ring? How could either of them look at themselves in the mirror? When will all those intrusive thoughts of the two of them go away? How do I make them go away? How do I stop thinking about it all day long, last thing when I go to sleep and first thing when I wake up?

I never thought this would happen to me. It's one of those things that happens to someone else. I'm glad I found this forum because if nothing else, I see that I'm not the only one.
Thanks for listening.

Crushed

Crushed-

Welcome to Marriage Builders! You are not the only married couple struggling through infidelity.

It is terrible what has happened but I see so many positives for you. The A is over and your H is answering your questions. Please try to be caring and loving toward him. He is hurting also and you both need eachothers love to get through this.

You mentioned book buying, have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley? Or, After the Affair, I can't remember who wrote it. When looking for a counselor I would suggest one who is schooled in the MB principles. Most MC's really aren't pro-marriage, especially in the case of infidelity in such a short marriage.

It sounds like there is still a lot of anger for you and understandably so. I would suggest trying to vent that anger away from your H and put it into more constructive things.

I know how you are feeling. I have been married for 16 months now, my W started her A shortly after we were married. We are currently in recovery and things get better one day at a time.

There is a wealth of information at this website and on the boards here.

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I know we have a long road ahead of us. I am trying to be loving towards him. Sometimes the thoughts just intrude-sometimes I can push them aside and sometimes they are really stubborn. But he has been there for me through it all. When he asks me what is bothering me or what I am thinking he really listens. Sometimes I look at him and he looks so small and desperate. I told him this once and he said, "that's because that's the way I feel." I love him with all my heart and I want so much for us to recover from this and be stronger for it.

As for the MC-we intend to ask that specifically. I read once that your marriage counselor should be the last person standing in the fight for your marriage. And I believe that to be true as well.

As for the books-I read Surviving Infidelity (Rona Subotnik), Infidelity (Don-David Lusterman), and we also got Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue and the workbook. We haven't done much with Dr. Phil just yet as I/We are still getting through the infidelity books. I will now be getting the books that you suggested and any other suggested books that have helped any others would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Crushed

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: CrushedAndHeartbroken ]</small>

Crushed, this is the first time I've ever been able to say this. I could be the OW in your story. One of my (several) affairs was with a man who ended one marriage (before we got involved) and then remarried to someone else (while we were still involved).

What can I say to you about her? Only that she probably had very mixed emotions about what she was doing, and was probably very badly hurt when your husband married you instead of her. (I was at their wedding. WP held my hand while I cried.)

I'm not longer involved with that man, and I begged him to tell his wife about it. I have prayed many times that he has done so, and that they have finally become honest with one another.

You have that opportunity before you, incredibly painful though it may be. Please, take up the challenge. Find it in your heart and soul to require radical honesty from your husband, to demand that he give you his soul and heart in all ways, not just in the limited ways he thought he could get away with before.

And do it without punishing him for his previous failures. There are many, many of them; we are all failures, each and every one of us in our own way. And we are all still perfectly designed, exactly the way the universe (God, if you will) has shaped us.

We only have this lumpy flesh of clay of ours to work with and our hands are the youngest of child's hands working it. So our first pots are inevitably lopsided and leaky -- our marriages are inevitably flawed. The cool thing is, we get to rebuild them better and better, and we can get rid of the flaws as we find them, if we have the courage and the strength to do it.

Please do it. Because I was the other woman, and I have prayed so many times for the healing of that marriage and the others that I damaged.

Just J,

Thank you for your post. I do appreciate your encouraging words. I also sometimes regret some of the things that I told the OW but I was so angry and hurt and it just seemed like she was egging me on by providing some of the details such as the whens and wheres and stated, "I feel sorry for you because now you will always be looking over your shoulder wondering what woman he is looking at or always calling him to make sure where he is although even that is no assurance since I was with him many times when you called." I felt like she really thought she had one upped me, so to speak. I felt so humiliated. And that I don't understand either. I would think that she realized that she had done enough damage, why rub salt in the wounds? I felt that if it had me, I would be mortified and would have apologized until next month. She actually said to me that she was not ashamed of anything. Granted, she was not married to me and I did expect better from my husband. But ???? I don't understand.

And perhaps some other WS's can answer some of these questions for me...

As I said, my H and I have come a long way in a short time. We are talking like we have never talked before. I asked him what was it that kept him going back? What drove him, for two years, to pick up that phone and call her? He said that he never felt important to me, that most of the time he just felt like my roommate. But when he was with her, he was the center of attention. He said that it was almost overkill, but that he liked it. He equated it to being a smoker who hasn't had a cigarette in two days and then smoking a whole pack. There was a high in it. He said that everything he did, in her eyes, was funny and witty and wonderful. He said she acted as though even if her house were on fire, she wouldn't care. He was her total focus. But that he also knew it wasn't real...that he knew he wasn't that funny or smart or witty. Which is why he kept coming home to me. I was real, we had a bond, and that he loved me. Still he denies having any real feelings for her. He admits that he said he loved her in the middle of sex but that was the only time.

Looking back now, I do see where we were living as roommates. We had/have lots of unresolved issues. I had pent up resentments and anger at him, I felt making love was a chore. I got irritated that he constantly wanted to touch me or make love to me. How stupid of me...I should have been flattered instead of irritated. But like I said, I had pent up feelings that I had never discussed with him. We never knew how to be honest with each other, we never felt safe. Our evenings were spent with him in front of the TV and me in front of some computer game or vice versa. We never really talked. We argued about stupid stuff all the time. We were insensitive to each other all the time. Geez, I'm surprised we made it to the wedding. Basically he said that he never really felt loved by me. And I can see why.

I guess my question is...is it really possible that he carried on with this woman for 2 years without loving her? Is it possible that he went back simply for an ego boost (and fantastic sex <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ) These are the questions that haunt me. The OW was older, unmarried, no children. (I also suspect that her being an "older woman" was quite a turn on for him too) There is no reason that he couldn't leave me to be with her. He had every chance in the world to, but never did. At one point I just thought of him as being greedy, but honestly he wasn't getting all that much at home, physically or emotionally. And I'm not saying that I drove him into the arms of another woman because I know that's BS. But still, I can see some of my responsibility in the failing of the marriage.

Well I have been rambling on long enough, haven't I? Any thoughts from anyone? Any advice? Any words of wisdom?

Crushed

crushed - you brought out some very good points about H, that first of all, tells me that you have both been good at communicating (or you wouldn't know all this about him.

My situation was similar to his - so I just thought I'd assure you that what he was feeling was not unusual. During my A, my H was (to me) a good provider, babysitter, and roommate, and my OW was an exceptional lover - something I did not get from H. He too thought intimacy was a bother - took too much energy, wasn't really that necessary. My OM made me feel the same was that your H's OW did. I was the center of the universe when I was with him. I knew that nothing permanent would ever happen even if I was single - he just didn't want that. I knew that each time was supposed to be the last, but I couldn't stop myself from calling and asking for more - of course he couldn't say no. So yes, it is a heavy drive. I kike your cigarette analogy - it is so true!! At least it was in my case.

Keep reading and working together. You sound like you've come a long way - but expect that even though he didn't have feelings for her, and it was just good sex, that he will still have withdrawal symptoms.

good luck with everything.
Felina

Crushed, men are, on average, very different from women in this regard. Many men -will- return for "just" hot sex, no matter what the emotional involvement is.

I would guess that there was somewhat more than that there. Still, I'm not sure that it really matters except that you're desperately trying to understand what just happened.

What really matters even more than that, though, is whether you and your husband can recognize the mistakes that you have both made and build a truly strong marriage. The first steps are here on these boards, and they're pretty standard.

- Implement extraordinary precautions to affair-proof your marriage. That starts with an NC letter to the OW. And then you share with each other ALL of your avenues of communication with others. Cell phone records, e-mail and IM passwords, recording of transmissions to and from your computers, etc.

- Learn how to communicate without punishing each other. If you were fighting a lot, that's not all bad. Oh, it's not great, sure, but at least you were -trying- to communicate with each other! Now it's a matter of learning to communicate in ways that are effective. Key word here is respect. If you wouldn't say it to your favorite elementary school teacher that way, don't say it to your husband that way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

- Learn to meet each other's needs. It's also difficult to do, because people don't naturally know how to do it. You got irritated when he wanted sex because you didn't have the level of intimacy in your marriage such that sex felt "right." At the same time, you probably didn't realize that sex is, in all likelihood, your husbands #1 emotional need. So he needs to learn to create an intimate environment where y'all are always billing and cooing at each other. And YOU need to learn that sex is really, really fun with a husband that you teach -everything- to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (I bet he'll be a good student.)

There's a lot more, of course, and I know you'll struggle with the affair for a long while. Each day, though, try to set it aside for ten or fifteen minutes and just focus on your husband and making sure that you both enjoy that time. I don't much care what you do during that time -- tiddlywinks or walking or jumping on the bed -- just make sure you both laugh and that there's no TV involved. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you everyone who responded. We are hanging in there. Seems like some days we go along just fine and then all of a sudden***WAM*** something sets me off and I want to strangle him. Sometimes it's when we are in bed for the night and I listen to him sleep. And I get ticked off that I am lying in bed awake thinking about his stupid decisions and how he ran our marriage into a ditch and he is sleeping soundly.

No, I won't really strangle him. And the feelings wear off pretty quickly...I just have to remind myself that he is with me, he loves me, and he is doing his level best to make things better.

STILL...sometimes I want to plant my bony elbow right into his side and say, "Sorry sweetie, did I wake you?"...sigh.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Crushed, men are, on average, very different from women in this regard. Many men -will- return for "just" hot sex, no matter what the emotional involvement is.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree. The emotional involvement is precisely WHY we return for "'just' hot sex". That is why sex is an "emotional need" according to Harley. We generally get from sex what women generally get from affection and/or intimate conversation - a feeling of being loved, needed, wanted, and of being important to the other person. There is not such thing as "just" sex. Especially if by "just" sex you mean something like "it's only physical". Any man can give himself a better physical experience than he can get with a woman - because his nerves give him much more precise feedback about what feels good than any woman can get from him. Yet, you don't find many men leaving their wives and families and destroying their careers so they can masturbate, do you?

John,

You are absolutely right. He has told me that the reason he kept going back (besides the addiction) was because she showered him with attention and affection. So much so that he called it "overkill" but still loved it. We did the ENQ the other day. I thought for sure that SF would be in his top 5 and I was shocked that it wasn't. His #1 was affection and he wanted it 10+ times a day. Wow, I would have never guessed it. Lots of learning going on around here...

CAH

Crushed - Try to get the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. It is a good one for couples that are in recovery. He talks about "the message of the affair", and gives a list of possibilities. You and H can read them and figure it out. It's important to know so nothing like this happens again. Good luck and hang in there.

Believer,

Thank you for the suggestion. I will get the book. Too bad we didn't put this much effort into our marriage before all this happened....