Thank you so much...I say that as I sit hereBAWLING my eyes out.

2 specific posts have really meant SO Much to me in the past week...the very first one to hit me by LIT where she compared the additcion of drugs to my affair. Blew me away.

NOw this post....you said everythign I really do feel...and I KNOW to be true.

YOu saw right through me. you see me. ITs like you are in my head???? How someone can tell another persons inner core though type....wow, powerful.

I have not cried this hard since last week when I sent OM that letter saying its over.

Its very hard to swallow that idea that OM got what he wanted and used me. I beleive very much so that he had intense Emotional feelings for me and that is why he needed the break..because they were over riding his feelings for his wife.

Im in so much pain right now.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart JL.

xo
Sally.

Sally,

I am glad that I have been able to help, although you crying does bother me. Guys just don't like to see/hear/read about girls crying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I do have one question to ask. I have posted a few posts to you in the last day or so, which one are you referring to?

If it is not the last one on your other thread, I do hope you consider it. You don't feel it yet, but your telling your H opened doors, that you don't appreciate yet. Yes, lots of pain, but doors are open to you, you have nothing to hide, you can talk with your H, you can help your H, and most importantly he can help you. I know it seems hard to beleive right now, but trust me and the others here you OPPORTUNITIES are before you.

I would like to tell you a true story. I don't have time to find the man's post right now, but I will if you would like. The man's name on this site is "K". He was here when I started reading here in Feb, 1999. His W had an affair, then became pregnant by OM, ultimately they reconciled and his is raising his 4-5 year old son, by OM.

But, the thing about his story, that struck me so deeply, and really hooked me on this site, and changed my mind about a whole bunch of things concerning marriage was his description of the events of the affair, the discovery of OM, his W's pregnancy. He was in counseling with Steve Harley, and it was before this site was started. Steve had guided him through a lot, and he was progressing. He was into the Plan B part.

His W told him she was pregnant by OM, and his response was to move home and take care of her and his other children because he saw this as an OPPORTUNITY to rebuild his marriage, save his family, and rekindle the love in their marriage.

When I read this, I just sat at my terminal as if someone had hit me on the head. Your W getting pregnant was an OPPORTUNITY?????? Oh Man! I had to really rethink what marriage was about when I read that. No other post has moved or impacted me like that one did.

So Sally when I say you have an OPPORTUNITY I am not joking. You have the ability to turn the worst thing to happen in your life into something that causes you, your H, and your marriage to bloom into something it has never been.

It will take work. It will require your H's help, big time, and it will require you changing your perspective on life, marriage, vows, and what it means "sickness and health". K's post did that for me. It changed my perspective on things in a profound way.

Please think about this and have a good Thanksgiving.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Sally here is K's story, just click on the bookmark K's Story

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Sall

Sally

"Now, I sit here and there’s a distance between my hub and I, and I don’t have OM. I hate to say this, but the feelings the OM gave me and those feelings still fresh in my mind make me think that my hub isn’t capable of making me feel the same. That scares me, because I want those feelings daily."

If I counted the number of WS that have said almost the exact words you are using about other OM/OW, you would be shocked because the number his huge. An affair is a fantasy. Your feelings while they are "real" to you now, - will not be so "real" after you have had time away from OM. Only 3% of people in affairs get married. Nearly 80% of those that marry - divorce. So, tell me what is "real" about those stats? They plainly say that an affair is an addictive fantasy that when lived out in the real world, doesn't work! Doesn't work!

You hold on to the affair because if you let "go" and face you sins, all of those lies and the secrecy and deception and cheating make NO SENSE. So, you keep holding on thinking that your behavior some how must be "right" you couldn't do something so wrong!

Guess what? Your behavior is wrong. The feeling you have are “wrong” in the sense that the feels are not “real,” they don’t last. There is nothing good about lying and cheating – not one thing. Everything about the affair is WRONG.

So, continue to sit there and feel sorry for yourself and cry. And, when you are finished crying and feeling sorry for yourself, try to be a little THANKFUL that you have H and a home because a lot of people would trade places with you in a second.

Beau

Sally,

Things do get better, you also need to give yourself the time to heal. The Monday after D-day, Poe told our pastor that she didn't know if she loved me. It was a little over 7 weeks before enough of the fog had lifted for her to say those words to me. She has been NC, and has seen now how from the beginning how he manipulated her. This man and I use the term loosely has over 30+ years of affairs, he knew what to say and what to do to get the feeling he wanted. She was confused throughout the A. Thats how he kept her. There is enough in her family history that you would think an A would never happen but it did. Give yourself the time you need for the fog to lift, NC gives you that time. Stop looking for an email, in fact block such a responce, if contact does happen it can only lengthen the pain that you are going through.

I know how your H feels, he really Loves you, and want to work on M, on everything. I know what he is feeling because I'm feeling it. I know your in pain, but your H's runs deeper then you know. In his pain he loves you, in his agony he reaches for you. Let him comfort you, and you comfort him. It will and does get better with time. JL is right when he say it will take work, I've listened to his advice and he has always been right on for me.

Have a good Thanksgiving, thank God for the Blessings that you have.

I will continue to pray for you.

Sally


I am sorry if I hurt your feeling for being so blunt. After reading your posts, I felt that a little reality might be in order. I understand how much you hurt and miss the OM. I just want you to know that the feeling you have for OM will pass in time. I know …. it is hard to believe at the moment. I am certain that I would feel the same sadness and grief that you feel.

There is comfort in knowing that many hundreds if not thousands of people have gone through the same experience and have come out the other side with the knowledge that what they did in maintaining no contact with OM was the right thing to do. Not just right morally, or spiritually, but right for all of the good reasons we marry. - to be loved and cherished and nurtured and cared for. I beg you to give yourself some time and then dedicate yourself to making your marriage not just as good as the affair but a whole lot better.

Beau

Just LEarning;

This was the post you left me:

Sally,

I thought I would respond to your post separately from Sarie's.

You said
quote:
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Fast forward 6 weeks, things got back into the swing of passion and emotion--more then ever. I believe this is partly what prompted his suggestion of a "break".

I will say, and I am sure I will be met with much opposition, that I regret telling my husband. It has caused him more pain then not knowing would have.

I told him to relinquish some of the guilt I was carrying around, a truly selfish act.

Now I see him suffer so much, and you are all right, he does not deserve this. He deserves better.
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Ah! But, Sally you are missing something. You are correct he deserves better than to be married to a woman that continues to cheat on him, after telling him. I doubt there can be a bigger pain, expect perhaps losing a child, or finding out your child isn't yours.

HOWEVER, at this point he is CHOOSING to be in the marriage. He is suffering the pain because he CHOOSES to see if the marriage can be saved. One day, and it may be soon, he will choose to leave, if you don't do better than you are. His choosing to leave will be HIS choice and he can do it with honor knowing he tried all he knew, gave all he could give, and loved as much as he could to save the marriage. You telling him, gave him this opportunity. You telling him gave him options.

He could try and rebuild a lost marriage or he could leave it. It was his choice and he has so far attempted to rebuild, but he will soon decide to leave unless YOU change. I will comment further on that in the next paragraphs.


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We have been working on things.....it looks to be a very long road. I have doubts alot thathe will be able to meet my EN's. I try to tell him that sex isn't everything (he's big on it) and he gets angry because he feels that sex was BIG for me with OM.
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Men, equate sex with intimatacy, with love, and closeness. This is NOT a weakness of his, it is a failure on your part to understand your H. By the way, he is trying to meet your needs,but if YOU want to work on the marriage you should try and meet his needs. If you ever, and I mean ever decide to rationally think about this, you will see that your "love" with OM was based on YOUR efforts, it was not something he did. You went to his hotel the first night, You tried to meet his EN's, YOU had an active role in this affair.

Now look at your marriage. You are just sitting on your butt, saying "I have doubts alot thathe will be able to meet my EN's." HELLO! Any one home?


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This is his assumption though. I try to convey to him that OM met my EN's. Something my H is just not seeing. When I tell him (when he is coming on to me) "lets just cuddle and hold eachother" he gets PO'd.
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OM did NOT meet your EN's that first night, you threw yourself at him, you were looking for excitement, sex, fun, and an escape. It had nothing to do with OM meeting your EN's. Except for the need for fantasy and escape.

Your H get's PO'd because you are rejecting him, and he knows you are rejecting him in favor of the OM. Duh! You talk about him as if he is an idiot with no feelings and no love. The sad fact is that he clearly has more love than you know how to handle, you are pushing him away, in favor of a man you cannot be with and who wants to be with his W now that he has had his fun.

It's time Sally, for you to take your head out of the dark and look around. The ONLY person fighting for you, your marriage, your family, is YOUR H. Not you, not your OM, NO ONE else.


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I just don't seem to have the interest in my H right now, especially the sex part.
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Really?? Imagine that! You spend all of your time focused on OM, and meeting his needs and how he meets yours (yeah, he is sure meeting your needs), and then you wonder why you don't have feelings for your H.


quote:
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I just want to be held and loved. Theres so much anger right now, fighting etc.

I can see why Sarie has not told her H. This is very difficult.
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Yes, there is anger, there is fear, but what you seem to fail to see is that there is a deep abidding love. Your H loves you or he would have walked. You know this, you just don't want to admit that you could have screwed over a man that loved so much for a fling with a married man that wants to work on his marriage. BUT, Sally, you know something that Sarie will never know if she doesn't tell her H. You KNOW your H loves you. You KNOW through all of the pain and rejection that you have heaped on him, he is still trying.

What you haven't figured out is how it is going to feel when he finally quits trying. Then you will see the damage.


quote:
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I still have hope this will all work out.

I sit here and I do pine for OM. I can't just turn off my heart. You say it's about being truthful, hoenst and doing the right thing. Well it isn't that black and white. Willpower is difficult. Not 100% black and white, sorry.
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This is NOT about willpower. It is about honesty with yourself and your H. Why do you think I keep harping on you and Sarie being honest with yourselves?? It is because willpower is not going to solve your problems. It takes changes, honest changes, changes in habit, changes in perspective, changes what you feel commitment means.

You keep saying your H doesn't compare to OM, but then you say you PINE for OM, but you don't live with OM, you are not incontact with OM. OM is a ghost with no flaws, and your H is a real man. It is time to really look at your H and see his strength, then you will realize the issue of willpower is moot.


quote:
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If it were, there wouldn't be people overweight because the'd be able to say "nope, cant have any more cake". But they don't. The irristable urges aren't always overcome.
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Wrong answer! Willpower won't do it. What will do it is to change your circumstances and your approach to things. Irristable urges are an excuse you are using to cover up your lack of integrity, your lack of commitment, your unhappiness, your fickleness. The only irristable urge I know of is is BREATHING. People can convince themselves not to eat ANYTHING, or DRINK anything, and they can sure convince themselves not to CHEAT.


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I will try to make that happen because I do love my H and children and want them in my life, always.
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You know, I actually believe you. I really do, that is why I am posting to you so strongly. Because if you don't change your attitude, you will NOT have your H in your life and your children will be out of your life for portions of their growing up, and perhaps for all of their adulthood. Sally, you losing is NOT going to match you losing your H, and your children's family. THAT IS GOING TO REALLY HURT.


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As I said previously, I am glad I found this board becasue I am sure I would have contacted him by this point.
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I am glad you did as well. You just need to realize that sometimes the best route is the hard route, and you did in fact do something that gave your H a chance: YOU TOLD HIM. You now know without a doubt that he loved you, and loves you. You need to decide to ACCEPT his love.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL
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Not that it should matter, but now 2 emails and no reply from OM.....I am starting to feel like I will be able to get on without him. Like, if he doenst give a crap, why belittle myself into sitting there like a nobody pining for him to pay attention to me. Pathetic. I really feel today like I can live without him.

THANKS AGAIN JL.

Sally.

That really was a tremedous message from SONO.

I am going to print it off for later reference.
Thanks for posting it again, Sally. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know, I bawled.

IT was lovely.

S.