Was thinking about this issue all morning today.

I never told you how this all came about. 2 months after the beg of the affair, my husband one night was sitting on the bed, at edge of it...he called me over. I stood infront of him and he pulled me close.

I sat on his lap, legs straddled either side of him. HE looked into my eyes and told me that he loved me so much. He then said "you know, you can always tell me anything, anytime". When he said that so sweetly, I immediately, almost with NO hesitation decided if ever a time to break free of the guilt, it was then.

At the moment the love he has shone through and i just knew that no matter how much pain hearing the words were going to cause him, that he would hug me and love me.

Thats exactly what he did. In a rather unusual-for-him calm manner, he said "ya know Sally, you need so much love and attention, you never feel good enough, and you were naive to the first pig who noticed that deficit in you....and those are the people I have always wanted to protect you against".

That night he was extremely crushed....the anger later settled in days after. But that night he made it so easy to talk about it.

Perhaps if that communication would have continued, I may have ended the affair then and there? I dunno.

I feel that since telling him, he has realized in his own mind that he "lost" me, even if just for a few months....and that prospect petrified him. He started to show his love so much after that night....almost in a suffocating way. BUt I knew that his love was deep and abiding...and that made what I was going though, the guilt and pain, even worse. Because I knew that I was continuing, unable to stop and I had this man giving me a second chance.

I know that telling him proved to me that I am lucky to have someone care for me and my well being as he does.

Just wanted to share.

S.

thanks for sharing and count your blessing and remember that moment and compare it to "that pig" whenever you have the urge to reach OM (and get hurt again).

Let your H also learn MB so he would be skillful to meet your need. ENq,LBq and the rest of questionair are a good place to start. There is MB weekend to attend too.

Harley says that in the beginning couple should take 30 hrs/week to learn to meet each other need. Take a mini vacation together.

May God bless you in your withdrawal/recovery. Amen. -rh-

Sally

I posted to you before, and wish I could help you more. I'm not sure you always listen to what people say, because I know sometimes it is painful to have the truth slapped hard in your face. Remember that what people say here is because they do in fact care.

I am glad you made this post. Because for the first time I have seen, you are looking at someone other than yourself - your H, and his goodness in wanting to repair your M. Your H and his immense pain - no doubt much greater than your own. Your H and his inherent believe in you and your M. Your H, a good man, probably with his faults like all of us, but a man that would put his own pain and suffering behind him for the greater good of you and your M.

How do you repay all that? You e-mail OM, OM who has made it abundantly clear that he is not interested in continuing your R. OM who plays with your emotions and doesn't have the decency to tell you straight that he's not coming back. OM who lied and cheated to his wife and probably to you too. OM who won't have the regret and remorse that you do and are finding, because someone like your OM will never dig deep in his soul as you have. How do I know that? Because OM is OM who I was involved with - to the T. "It's best for me to try and work on my M, but it breaks my heart" "I stay for the kids" "I love you more than you know, but I have to do this". I could feed you a whole heap of other lines straight from the text book of OM and OW all around the world. OM in my case in England, OM in your case in the US.

One big difference between us though Sally? My X is my X. He wasn't prepared to even give it a go. He never once said "I love you Lisa very much and we can work this out". On d-day he raged at me for 16 hours solidly. The worst things he said to me still choke me now and bring tears to my eyes. I destroyed him as you have destroyed your H. But your H is of stronger character than my X. Of course he will be angry, but print some articles for him from here, invite him to come here - oh no you couldn't because some of your sickly sweet posts about OM would crush him even more than he currently is. OM, happily at home with his W enjoying Thanksgiving.

Sally, you want your M and your H. You say that consistently. Well take the advice of so many here that try to help you. Delete all secret e-mail accounts. Block OM e-mail address. Send OM a NC letter with your H and then stick to it. As one wise poster has on their sig line "NC isn't rocket science. Start by NC and stop making excuses". Believe me Sally, if you can't do this, you will risk loosing your H.

One question for you Sally. How would you feel reading your posts if your H had written them about another woman and about you as his W?

Talk to him Sally, talk talk talk. Tell him you valued him opeining up, tell him you need him to do so again. Tell him you need to work together to move forward. Do the EN questionnaire together. I never got the chance to even try....

Your remorse and shame is clear. You can save your M, but you need to work hard to do it. This post is the most lucid I have seen from you. I hope you are breaking through the fog.

Just a reminder to you, I was the FWS who became the BS. X now lives with OW. I don't judge you by the poor choices you make in your life (i.e. the A) anymore than anyone here judged me. Here, they saved me, they saved my sanity, my soul. Here, I learnt, I grew, I became a better person. Here Still Seeking would say to me "We do not judge you by your mistakes, but by what you do afterwards and how you rectify them" Honest words from a great person.

You are lucky to have JL, TMCM, LIT and so many others who are wise beyond belief wanting to help you save your M. Me, I couldn't do that. But with the help of the people here, at least I saved me.

Take care Sally and wishing you well from London.

Lisa

Lisa;

I am sorry to hear things did not work out favourably for you.

I agree with all you say.

I know what I need to do...I am by no means in denial, nor do I try to justify what I did and what I am feeling.

I am just wholeheartedly trying to get to the point where I am free, totally of this.

Im trying to get there and in my mind, I know that, although I slipped yesterday, I have made more progress in 1 week then I thought possible. Something has happened because I actually have moments where itthink to myself that the love I feel for OM is a bit less then yesterday. Every day, every refjection from OM helps me to re-evaluate.

It helps to hear people like you remind me that OM is at home with his wife enjoying TG dinner....it makes me think that I am a big loser to sit here and wait for his reply...I wonder what does go through his head...ifhe hurst at the apparent loss of this friendship. Becasuse, you know, if he made it clear that I was worthless, it would make things alot easier for me to fix at home.

Thanks again Lisa for your comments.

Sally

I do not doubt that you are sincere, but from your other posts it looks as though you have not broken off all contact with the OM. This may sound a bit harsh, but you seem to be walking the fence right now. Does the OM's wife know that he had, or is still having, an affair with you? If not, see how quickly he will run to the hills when his wife finds out. Affairs are based on fantasy, no bills, no kids, just meeting needs that your spouses should be meeting. I contracted HSV from my wife after her affair. I have not fully recovered emotionally after over a year since D-day and still take an antidepressant medication. If you are serious about rebuilding your marriage, sit down WITH your husband and write a NC letter to the OM. Let your husband mail it, or deliver it as he sees fit. Let your husband contact the OM's wife to let her know about the affair. Her health is on the line and her marriage is a farce at this time. If the OM will have an affair with you there is no telling how many other wemon he has\will sleep with. You are duty bound to let his wife know. Above all else, quit "breaking down" and contacting the OM. Call your husband or a relative for help when you are in need. Let your husband know what your needs are so that he can change his behavior. Spend some quality time alone with him and consider taking a romantic vacation. Just my thoughts as a BS.

I really AM trying to get to that point. I DO know it is the right thing to do...it's only been a week. I KNOW I am doing "well", for ME.

I will get there, I have confidance I will. You people posting are a big reason I have that faith.

Thanks,
Sally.

Sally please ponder the following What kind of 'friend' is it that fully KNOWS that his actions will hurt his married woman friend? A false friend. A man, other than your H, would respect the fact that you are a married woman and would NOT take advantage of any vulnerabilities in your relationship with your H. If he had any attraction towards you, he would keep it to himself for he would know that having an affair with you would eventually devastate you, your H, and your children. His control of his selfish desires would be the measure of his true friendship. Beleive it or not, there are plenty of men and women who fit that bill and if you are fortunate to find one of them, your life and your H's will be richer for it.

Ah, but you see Sally, that's where you're wrong. Things did work out favourably for me. My X was manipulative, abusive and controlling. But I still shouldn't have had the A. Do I miss my H? Not a jot. Do I miss OM - yes, still. But what was it based on? Not honesty, not truth, not total sharing and a oneness. And for that reason, I know that I am better without X, or OM. I doubt OM will find what I have, because I know he still plans things behind his W's back, still says he "stays for the children". Is that a man I truly want? No. With BF, we have honesty and openness, and that's what you need to find again with your H.

I know your pain Sally. Every day after d-day for months I cried. For months I willed OM to contact me. For months I looked at myself in the mirror and a stranger looked back. For months I looked at my X as he became more broken and angry and abusive. I wondered if he ever really loved me - given that he hit me full in the face 6 weeks before we married.

You have a chance, and you have choices, as JL so eloquently puts it. So does your H. Help him to help you.

But please, answer my question

"How would you feel reading your posts if your H had written them about another woman and about you as his W?"

Just think about it. At the same time think about OM enjoying his family Thanksgiving and probably not thinking about you..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And think about your H's love and compassion and pain <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take care Sally - believe me, I do know.

Lisa

BTW - I am not in contact with OM. I recently saw his two best friends on a cycle trip I made. It was obvious though that certain information was meant to get back to me. What a saddo eh?

Lisa:

That was an awful realtionship you were in and I am glad you are out of that.

As far as my hub doing what I am doing, easy answer, of course I would hate it.

All I can continue to say is that I greatly apprecaite all the advice and I really truly am workin on fixing this, totally.

Sally.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It helps to hear people like you remind me that OM is at home with his wife enjoying TG dinner....it makes me think that I am a big loser to sit here and wait for his reply...I wonder what does go through his head...ifhe hurst at the apparent loss of this friendship. Becasuse, you know, if he made it clear that I was worthless, it would make things alot easier for me to fix at home.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know that you probably don't want to hear from a BS, so I will tell you what my H said to me after he read one of your posts...I think it was the one where you put OM's email to you up. It won't be word for word but it is what one WS said who was in the same position as your MM. (op felt and acted much like you are right now, and I do understand why you are feeling this way but I hope this may jog you)

He said in a nutshell:

I (as you know AG) said much the same things when we were breaking the A off. I said things that weren't true becasue I didn't want her to feel bad, I felt responsible for my part in getting her to betray her H, and so I tried to let her down easy.

I read several emails where he did just that. He told her blatent lies Sally. What was actually happening at home with us (communication, expecting a child, building a new home, he 'being'there heart and soul) wasn't expressed at all in his emails..the reality wasn't what he was writing to her it was lies so that she didn't feel bad because he was wanting out so desparately. I wish that he had been honest bc it took her a long time to move on, it kept her in the mode of wanting him to prove that he didn't use her,that the relationship wasn't based on lies and deceit; that she meant something wonderful to him...because the truth is that he hates all that he did in that R, he despises all that he was in that fantasy world.
If he posted here he would say all of the above.

AG

sally2003,

In withdrawl, you need help. Your best help is your H.

1.Let him know the oppsh
2.Let him know how he could help you
3.Let him know how he could fillin your ENs, in specific way. e.g. I need affection won't cut it, I need you to hold my hand and affirm his love for you.

and for you,

1. Find out the pattern and reason why you make the contact. Again I miss OM is not enough, specific !.
2. Find out the trigger that led you take the action.
3. When you have the urge ... delay it and think about the bad things about OM and think about the good thing about your BH and what you would loose if your M ended up in Dv.
4. When you winning ... take positive action and don't think.
5. Be honest to your H

Question for you ... you won't tell to H b/c you are afraid to loose him or b/c you want OM and H ?.

You have excuse on slipping back but you have no excuse not to tell H. 2x4

I caught my W had an EA and probably PA (1997) ... I forgave her and work on M. She resume contact 6 months later with OM. I thought out M heading the right way. When I found out that her EA/PA is w/ the same OM .... she drained all my sea of love for her. If she was honest with me then I will take whatever it needs to help even to move 1,000 mi. away from OM.

How much did I love my W ? She is my first woman and even my first kiss !. I still wanted her to work on M after the 2nd d-day and send her to talk to SH. I loved her more than myself and it took me a lot and a while to let it go. Now we are Dv ... Even according to HIS words that I should reconsile if possible, I seek not and I continue NC and avoiding accidental fillin her ENs. I even start to look around for next mate and I don't want to choose disobeying HIM.

Tell your H ... otherwise he would think that all of this confessions and your love for him just a fake !. If he found out he definitly think that you are sorry that you got caught than there is love left for him.

-rh-

I know you are Sally, I know you are. So start helping yourself with the NC letter with your H and some of RH's tips are great to think about. Have you read SAA yet? Print out pieces from this website. Read what other people say. Go over to the JFO forum and read the pain of some of the BS's and then be thankful that you have at least a chance to work things out with your H. You love him!!! You admit that. Don't loose him because you leave it too long to truly work out.

I believe you can make things work, I believe your pain will ease. In fact, I know your pain will ease. I am living proof. One day, you'll wake up and know that the pain you feel over missing OM is nothing compared to the pain your H has suffered. You'll know - it will come to you.

Take care Sally.

Lisa

AG:

I truly am starting to think that he isnt perplexed re: making a decision to lose me or not.

IF HE WOULD JUST TELL ME THAT WOULD SOOOOOOOOOO HELP.


Infact, that is what I said when he needed his "break". I emailed and said if you know it is over, just TELL Me so I can get the hurt out and the healing to begin. And that is where he wrote (and I posted) that he wanted to keep me in his life....wait and see.

I want to get angry so I hate him, so I dont want him.
I hate this.

S.

Sally:

What do his actions say; not his words. My H puts it this way "Words are just words"? Where is he? Does he really need to spell them out for you to start treasuring your M and finding your true worth through your OWN eyes and not that of someone who as a friend walked with you into a relationship where you must lie to yourselves, to your spouses and to each other? Is that what a friendship is to you?

Perhaps like my H he leaves ambiguity in his words not to leave you hanging around, but to ease you away so that you can again turn to your M, and he doesn't feel like such a smuk for lying.

My H too blamed the mow, blamed her for manipulating him; and she blamed him for the same. The truth is that they manipulated each other through words to make themselves feel like they were in control, and later to make themselves feel better about what they had done to each other and to their spouses (although hers doesn't know whole story) and finally to their own self worth. After DD2 my H hated mow for a quite awhile, esp since she did not back off nor did she have to face a BS who was suffering; but it was a way of deflecting the responsibility. Now a year later he feels nothing for her, he cna't even remember what she looks like, and the memories of the "friendship", well see above, it wasn't a friendship. He remembers very little and what he does brings feelings of utter shame that he acted in such a manner for something based on falseness, when he had real all along and all he had to do was drop teh role he was playing and be himself (he knew that I knew the whole person and that I loved him despite).

Sally your worth cannot be defined by how someone else sees you, or the words of another. Self-worth is a reflection of your actions, what you do.

Sincerely,
AG

Sally

It is over with the OM, stop looking for a reply. Start to focus on you H. You stand the chance of losing everything on someone that really doesn't care. His interests are in hiding the fact that he travels and has A's. I doubt your the only one. My W's OM actually accused me of causing his W's pain when I gave her letters to explain what her H did and an apology from my W to her.

Be honest with your H, tell him of all the secret email accounts, tell him the name of the OM, so he can fight for your M, and block all email addresses that the OM has from your computer. Do this with your H. Nothing is served by waiting for a ghost when you have a real loving and caring H with you. How much more pain do you wish to inflict on your H. As long as you keep looking for the OM to contact you are actually increasing the time for you to get out of the fog. Do you really want to be the OM toy, the one he comes to when he just wants some entertainment. I don't think so, I see that in your heart you want to do whats right, but it does take some effort.

As long as you keep things to yourself then your M is really limbo.

Go to your H, and tell him how thankful your are that he wants you and your M. This is Thanksgiving.

One thing you could do is try having some fun with your H, go to a movie, something funny. Or rent some comedys. (I would avoid romance comedys)

It is one step at a time, you can do it. your H Loves you and God Loves you, how can you fail. If you haven't yet, ask God to forgive you.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

God Bless

Silver:
You are so right. I know it. I am trying to fight my da*n heart and just stop this insanity.

YOu guys have been my saviour.
I am such an a*s..I have the most wonderful loving supportive husband...and the way, the path should be clear as day....yet I continue, I CONTINUE to go with my heart.

I so want to wake up and have this done, OVER.

3 little girls need supper...its chaos here and i gotta go...just feel like running, far away sometimes.

Huggs..

Sally.

I equate your situation to quitting smoking. There is only one true way to quit for good, you must make a decision to quit and then stand by that decision. There are no words to describe the disrespect that you show your husband and children each time that you contact the OM. He does not love you and you are only a convenient outlet to satisfy his sexual needs. Once his wife finds out about the affair he will drop you like a hot potatoe...and fast! This may sound cold but how can you feel good about yourself knowing full well that the OM is using you for sex? As a friend of mine once told me, do not say that you are trying to quit smoking...just quit.

Sally

You do have a good heart, and you are not an a##. It took time for the hooks to be set in your heart, you just need to maintain NC long enough for those hooks to be removed. I won't tell you that you will completely forget. I know I won't. I think that with enough time you will see it as a regret.

When your strength starts to fail, pray, then talk to your H or post here. Or find someone that you can trust and call them. Even if you post here you still need to talk to your H. Be open and honest.

Again, go hug your H, he loves you and I know even in his own pain he wants to comfort you.

God Bless

PS: Have you given your H all the hidden email addresses?

MFIsher;

Well, in answer to your question, I dont feel good about myself, and I do have a guilty concience. Look, Im noot looking for ANY pity here...I would feel negatively towards anyone who has done/is doing what I am doing.

IT is like an addiction....and I AM trying to get help for it. If people here want to make this realtionship a comparison to an addiction then you must know addicitve personalities arent cured in 5 days. I'm TRYING to kick this habit and I am not making any excuses for it. Im just being honest here and trying to seek advice and support.

As far as me gettin used by OM for sex? well, seeing as it has been a 10 month relationship with 1 sexual encounter nad no plans for another, I seem to feel that I was fufilling (wrongly so) some of EN's as well.

Thanks,
Sally.

Thanks.

Sally I'm again going to suggest that you try to shut all avenues of communication with the OM. As long as there is a way for the two of you to communicate with one another, the temptation to do so will extend your painful withdrawl from him. Why not block your e-mail accounts at home and at work to prevent any messages from him?