I am recently divorced after a long separation. About 5 weeks ago I started corresponding with a man I met through an internet ad. He is a long distance truck driver and while he does live in the same town I do, he is on the road all but about 5 days a month. The first two weeks were just daily telephone calls where we would talk for hours. At this point we had exchanged pictures and phone numbers but we hadn’t met in person.

When he returned home we finally met and discovered the mutual attraction we both felt through our conversations was even greater in person. We shared a wonderful 3 days together before he had to leave again.

The next two weeks our telephone conversations became even more involved and we even started discussing the possibility of a future together though we both agreed to take things slow and not rush into anything. We both eagerly anticipated his next trip home.

He returned home last Friday and again we spent a wonderful 3 days together and on his last evening home our conversation turned once again to the possibility of us having a future together and I voiced some of my concerns about us not being able to spend much time together. (His days off often fall during the week and I do work full time and have a child. He also has an elderly mother who depends on him as well as having to take care of his own personal business and getting ready to go out on the road again so we don’t even have very much of his 3 days home to spend together).

Though I did voice my concerns I also told him I cared about him very much and though it would be difficult I thought we could make a go of it if we both wanted it bad enough, but that it sure would be nice if we had more of a chance to spend together besides just on the telephone. I sensed our conversation was bothering him but he told me he felt the same way about me and that he was sorry he couldn’t offer me more but for the time being anyway he had no choice but to keep the job he had and I told him I accepted that and was only voicing concerns not hinting that I wanted to end the relationship or that he should find another job.

The problems started the next day when he called me and told me he thought we should end things. He said I deserved a normal relationship with someone I could see more often and that he had nothing to offer me. No matter how much I tried to make him understand that though I wished the circumstances were different I didn’t want to lose him and that I was more than willing to make the best of whatever little time we did have to spend together, he wouldn’t budge. He told me he was falling in love with me and that he knew I felt the same way but he was convinced that in time I would realize that it wasn’t enough and he would rather lose me now than have it happen months down the road.

Nothing I said changed his mind and believe me I tried my very best to. I know I haven’t known this man very long, but I know he is a kind and loving man and I don’t want to lose him. But apparently I have anyway as he wouldn’t budge and just kept repeating over and over again how we would never last because of his job and that he knew eventually our lack of time together would ruin things and he didn’t want us to become even more involved and have my son and him grow attached to each other as well only to have it come to an end.

My question is what, if anything, can I do? I know this man cares for me but he is afraid of getting hurt. He hasn’t ever had anyone truly care for him and I really think it is his lack of confidence in himself that is at the root of his decision. What can I do to convince this man to give our relationship a chance? I just can’t stand the thought of giving him up for good but at the same time I realize he could be right and I don’t want to hurt him either.

Please wise MB’ers I need your advice and suggestions.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi,

Give him his time and space. For him to be where you are at would require he want you more than he currently does. Even at best if his work schedule is the hinderance, something c/b worked out.

Right now consider his decision as in your best interest and respect him as a friend. Time will tell if it needs to be more than that.

Slow down a bit. I know you deserve happiness and I am sure he wants that for you also.

Hugz,
L.

Hi
I think Orchid gave you great advice, but I know it will be difficult to heed, especially since you're in the "newness" of a relationship. I wanted to come at this from another angle, which is that of the trucker's lifestyle.

My son is a long-distance truck driver. They make good money, but the lifestyle most lead would leave a lot to be desired if one wanted a relationship. You already know about the hours (3 weeks gone driving, 1 week home). There is a lot of opportunity for "free living" (i.e., infidelity, drugs, etc.) because the nature of the job is that of independence. Now please be aware I'm not saying ALL in this profession do these things; I am saying that this job, more than others, lends itself to the opportunity for these things to occur. That is why many long distance truckers have their wives traveling with them.

I love what Orchid said, "Consider his decision in YOUR best interest". Unless you want to do a full background check and then take on new worries of what he's doing, who he's with, etc. when he's gone, I would let this one go.

How long have you been divorced? Is it possible this is a "rebound relationship" and that's why you're feeling so strongly about him?

Thank you Orchid and Avondale for taking the time to reply to my post. I value both of your opinions and your replies really helped me.

Orchid you are right I do need to slow down. We have both been taking things way to fast and I think it has both of us a little spooked.

Avondale I know you understand about what a truck drivers life is like and the things he has shared with me are exactly what you told me as well.

I do trust him and I have no fear about what he is doing out on the road. I'm not being gullible here but I intend to trust him until he gives me a reason not to.

He called today and told me he feels really bad about our conversation the other day and that he is deeply torn between wanting me and feeling like he isn't being fair to me by asking me to accept his lifestyle.

We have agreed to slow down a little and use the next 8 days he is gone to really think about things and talk them over before we make any final decisions.

I know I could be wrong but there is just something special about this guy and for some reason I think we are both very lucky to have found each other.

Thank you both again for your thoughts and advice and please wish me luck.