I have been trying to return to a normal life since d-day 2 1/2 months ago but I can't shake the shame and embarrassment I feel.

I feel everyone knows that my husband has been unfaithful. I can't look directly at anyone. When I am out alone, shopping or running errands, I feel more at peace -- it is unlikely that I will see anyone that knows I am his wife. But when I am out with my husband I am afraid we will see people my husband works with or run into one of the OW.

My H believes that the only people who knew he was having an A before he told me were the other women. He refuses to believe these women told anyone. He is convinced he could have affairs with female co-workers for years without anyone around him suspecting anything. He was flirting and spending break time and lunches with these women. He met them for lunch away from work. He was talking to them on his business phone and emailing from work. He was meeting them before and after work for sex. He was taking afternoons off to spend time with them.

Even though I never suspected anything, I can't believe his co-workers were so naive -- they saw him with these women at work. I feel they know what a fool he has made of me.

When I first spoke to OW#2, she said her 6-year A with my H wasn't her fault -- that it was mine. If the marriage was good and my H was getting what he needed from me, he wouldn't have been looking for an A. I know this is what a lot of people think -- that it is the BS's fault -- that the WS was driven to have an A. Even if they don't believe that, they know what an a** he has been and wonder why I would put up with that behavior.

I accept responsibility for problems in our marriage but not for my H's behavior. I know I didn't drive him to have an A but the shame and embarrassment are still there. I feel stupid for not knowing. I feel stupid for wanting to stay in the marriage. I now want to have my name changed back to my maiden name. Our last name is not common -- in fact in a area of 1 million people, we are the only ones listed in the phone directory. I don't want people to know who I am.

Has anyone else experienced this? Will it pass?

Why do you feel embarrassed for something you didn't do? He is the one who has something to be embarrassed about.

I can imagine, though, that you are worried that lots of people out there know more than YOU DO about your own life. That is very likely. Many of them probably do know that your H has had affairs and have gossiped about it for years. That is hard to take, but it is the truth and is part of the package you settled for when you decided to stay.

That feeling will lessen over time after he tells you MORE about what was going on and there are no more secrets. This is why it is imperative that he tell you EVERYTHING.

I don't think I have really decided to stay. I just feel I don't have a choice right now because I am not working. I have been trying to find a job but nothing yet. I talked to a divorce attorney -- need about $1,000 before I could file.

I am embarrassed that I would still want this man in my life after what I know. I am embarrassed that everyone knows what he has been doing and thinks poorly of ME, because I am still here. I got counsel from one psychologist that, after I told him about my H's 6-year affair, said "I can think of no sane reason why a woman with a relatively healthy self-respect would ever choose to remain with a man with such low moral character."

I used to be a strong, independent woman. I had confidence to know what I wanted and I worked hard. I feel like a "basket case" now. I feel weak and stupid.

Well the first thing you need to do is get rid of that psychologist. You took vows when you married, and deciding to honor your vows is nothing to be ashamed of. I know how you feel. My H had is OW out to where we work. Everyone knew but me. Then he had her spend the night with him at my step-daughters. Then he brought her to our home so all the neighbors knew. He has also introduced her to his family. So there is no one that does not know. At first this bothered me greatly, but I got over it. I would take H back, but he is living with OW. So good luck, and don't feel all alone in this - it happens in lots of marriages.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Toofargone:
<strong>

I used to be a strong, independent woman. I had confidence to know what I wanted and I worked hard. I feel like a "basket case" now. I feel weak and stupid. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I disagree with that psychologist and so do many many other infidelity professionals. He is only trying to appeal your wounded sense of pride and has found his mark.

You feel weak and stupid because you have just suffered the greatest betrayal a spouse can experience. You have been robbed. But you are not weak and stupid because someone betrayed you. [I know you know you aren't weak and stupid, btw, I used to say that when I was enraged] I HEAR YOU. You have simply been victimized. And I do hear some very appropriate RAGE and DISBELIEF in your posts.

Many strong, independent people stay with their spouses after infidelity and go onto build even stronger marriages based on MB principles. Often people have affairs simply because they weren't getting their needs in the marriage and were vulnerable to the first person who came along who did meet those needs. Sometimes they have affairs just because that is a way of life with them. You have to decide which it is and if this marriage is worth saving.

And believe me, dear, I know how your pride and self esteem has been bludgeoned. I am a very proud, attractive, outgoing woman with a successful career who would have never DREAMED that anyone could even look at another woman when they had me around! lol My H's affair brought me low. But I did recover. And you will too, regardless of what you decide to do. Just know that you are in good company. We know what you are feeling and will support you.

Thank you for your kind words. I have never liked roller coasters -- the ones in amusement parks OR the ones we have to manage in our personal lives. I need stability -- I need to feel safe somewhere. I always thought I had that in my home with my family. Now that I know I'm not safe there -- I don't mean physically but emotionally -- I'm terrified.

I know I'm not at that point where I can honestly make a good decision but I hope that knowledge comes soon.

TooFar, your terror is entirely understandable. You've had your whole world turned upside down and the things you thought were solid have turned out to be mushy.

There are a couple things to remember here:

- Lots of people have lived through this. Almost everyone on this site, and that's a lot right there!

- When you have a disease, one of the hardest things to do is to talk to other people about it. People who have cancer, say, have a terrible time talking about it normally. And yet, when they finally learn to, they find out that a whole lot of other people can talk to them normally, too. Infidelity is a disease that happens in a marriage. It's a common disease in marriages. Way TOO common, in fact. But what you should realize is that all those people who may know? Many of them would reach out to support you if you would just tell them how they can. Don't let your own embarrassment and fear keep you from that support.

Toofargone, what you are going through is normal. I, too, felt humiliated and ashamed that people knew about WH's A's. What's even worse, some of his friends facilitated and enabled him to do his dirt. Needless to say, his "friends" are no longer welcome to darken my doorstep. The ultimate humiliation came this spring when OW's showed up at my home--a secure condo building--to leave pictures and gifts that WH gave them under my door or at my door! Apparently, they didn't know he was married. I was terrified because I wasn't sure if I was being stalked or not. I was so scared and ashamed that I would come home, enter my building through the basement, catch the elevator upstairs, scurry the hall and rush into my apartment. I would leave most of the lights out and hide out in the bedroom pretty much for the rest of the evening. The sound of the telephone caused me to jump out of my skin. I also worried about what the building staff thought about all this, as several attempts were made by these OW's to gain access to me.

Thanksgiving was also awkward because at least 2 people in my family know the hell I've gone through. My sister, who helped me uncover WH's A, and who stayed with us during her recent visit, has little to say to WH--understandably so. She was cordial and not openly rude. However, I felt ashamed and embarassed to display anything remotely resembling affection to WH during her visit. Why? Fear that she would judge me as stupid and weak. WH and I have been in counseling and have been trying to recover. It just hurts so much that others know and may be judging me because I want to honor my vows. As much as I love my baby sister, I actually breathed a sigh of relief when she left.

The one person who understands is my best friend, who has been there. She, herself, is divorced and cautioned me against making permanent decisions about my marriage when I'm enraged or upset. She said that she regrets to this day putting her former husband out. My counselor, who is also a pastor, also understands and has been helping me process everything that happened and wants to ensure that I have a support system in place.

Please don't feel stupid or ashamed for wanting to make things work with your H. Other people will say what they will, but unless they have been in your shoes, who are they to judge?

BTW, you might want to find another psychologist!