hopeful_person
Member
Member # 22489
posted November 30, 2003 11:18 AM
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Felina,
I don't know your story, but first of all I'm so happy that your husband is willing to work on your marriage and it sounds like he's forgiven you.
Many of us former WSs don't have that forgiveness or willingness from our partners to forgive us, and heal the marriage. I'm happy for you.
My divorce was final right after I ended the A. (A lasted four years, beginning EA long distance/internet, moving to PA after six months-long distance intermittent meetings, and finally ExOM moved local into his own apt. the last year of our A. ExH and I separated a year before exOm moved here.) It now all seems like a bad dream, and I'm only telling you the timeline so you can see my perspective.
The dreams about OM will stop in time. I haven't had a dream about exOm in a long, long time. You know, I think because I got to know him so well, any illusions of romantic perfection and 'soulmate' dreams were shattered for a long time before I had the courage to end the A. In fact, since I ended it, I've never had one complimentary dream about him.
Now I see who he really is: a man who enjoyed the power of separating me from the man I'd been with for 18 years, as well as alienating from my extended family for a time, and from my dear long term friendships. I see him as evil and manipulative.
You've truly been blessed--your husband is still with you. Do you realize that it's a true, fantastic blessing? When you begin to think of OM during the day, simply tell yourself, "NO!", and move on. Since you say you feel down in the mornings, make it a point to get moving on some projects fast in the morning.
One more thing, and this comes from the perspective of someone who's wanted a chance with her exH for a long time, to no avail. I've asked exH to 'work on our marriage' since right after DDay, which was almost three years ago.
Dwell on the giving, kind aspects of your husband. Focus on his gift of understanding, and on his gift of forgiveness to you. When you think of your ExOM, think of the pain he caused you, and how he tried to ruin your marriage, and your life in many ways. Then go back to thinking of your husband, and focus all your affection and love on him.
I'm alone now, and haven't been close to any man at all for almost 18 months. (and at the end of the A, I wasn't 'close' to exOM, in fact) It's ironic, I was lonely when I started the A in large part due to my exH's awful work hours and our non-correspoinding days off.(not blaming him, just saying how it was)
Now I'm truly all alone, and having to learn to live with it. I wonder to myself about the future, and how I'll ever trust myself again to love someone else after being such an idiot with exOM. I share that to remind you of the blessing you have, in having a man who loves and forgives you. Focus on that, and the dreams of OM will end.
You see, Felina, I could be wrong in saying this, but you never hit rock bottom in this. Your husband is with you still. If you had experienced the pain of being ALL ALONE, and lonelier than ever in your life...I guarantee you wouldn't be dreaming of one of the sources of that deep pain.
Hope this helps,
HP
