I'm in a strange place today. After over a year of recovery and things going pretty well, I
am still struggling with the pain and reminders. I've felt this way for several days. I just
wonder if this part ever goes away. I have even thought that maybe I need to accept that
I cannot "get over it" and should let my FWH move on, or maybe we should move, so that
the constant reminders aren't always around. Every time we go out of town, I feel better
and then as we get closer to home, I feel the clouds moving in. I love him very much, but
don't know what to do. Advice please.

Tired

I am sorry for your continuing pain and triggers. Have you and H used a marriage counselor? Have you thought about taking and antidepressant medication?

Don't give up. Time has a way of easing pain.
Keep posting your thoughts and comments.

Beau

After the affair surfaced we started going to a mc and she was awesome, we went once a week for several months and she felt that we were to the point that we only needed to come back by our own choice, we haven't been back since then. My h and I had a disagreement over the holiday and a lot of old feelings about our old problems came up. We first started having problems years ago because of our son. We married when he was 2 years old and shortly after my h adopted him. Things were pretty good until we had a child of our own together and the obvious differences in the way he felt about them surfaced, and one of the reasons was that my son started school and wasn't doing well at all. It was pretty much a rollercoaster for years after that. My daughter started school and is the perfect student, just like her daddy always was and my son continued to struggle and hated school, way too unlike his daddy. Friends and family would point out how she was his favorite or say things like they don't really get along do they, etc. This eventually became a pain I couldn't bear and went into a hidden depression that I couldn't come out of, but it became a wall between us and eventually made us emotionally separate. He refused to admit he had any problems with our son and was very angry with me any time I brought it up. All this to say...we argued over him this weekend and I felt it again, the anger, the hurt, the deep sorrow for wanting my husband to "like" his son. Then I guess it was just a few more steps into feeling depression over the affair again. I was on anti-d's for about a year and they did help but they made me gain about 20 lbs which I am now trying to lose.

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: TiredLv ]</small>

How old is your son now?

I think maybe you should consider family counseling. If you feel the way you do, I'm sure your son feels it as well.

I have a son and a daughter and they are night and day and they both have the same parents so your son may be the way he is just because that's the way it is and have nothing to do w/who is biological dad is. Your H adopted him and that comes w/responsiblity of being the best parent he can to his "son."

Although you may need to take some anti-D's for yourself, the situation between your H and your S will still be the same and needs to be dealt with or you will always see yourself ?'g things as you are now.

My son is now 18, when my h and I started going to counseling I suggested that it would be a good idea for he and my son to go or for him to go for ic, he refused and said that he couldn't go to counseling and everything be about him, that he would be the bad guy in our counseling , that he would be the bad guy in theirs and if he was in ic then that meant that he was the one with all the problems.

Tired

I have an adopted D who is 6 years older than my biological S. I continue to struggle (for the past 30 years)to be the same with both of them. I know how your H feels. He thinks he has been fair and equal but deep down he suspects that he hasn't and doesn't know what to do to fix it and doesn't want to be blamed for showing favoritism.

Maybe he should talk to a counselor alone and explore his feelings. He might learn a few things that he can do different to get closer to his S. I know when D and I were alone that everything was fine between us. Problems occurred in the past when other's try to judge our relationship - particularly my X-Inlaws. uuuggghhhh


Beau

He has said to me before that they get along pretty well when they're alone. But, I don't see why they can't get along well when others are around.
I really don't think that my problems right now are stemming from this thing with my son. I want them to be close, but I guess I'm accepting that this will probably never be the case. My son is probably not going to graduate this year and will be going to an adult ed class to get his GED instead, I really just hate that he is struggling so much, by his own fault or not, I want him to have the best and he doesn't do what he needs to do for that to happen.

I think the real problem with me right now is that I can't seem to deal with all the reminders that are around me here where I live of the OW. I always tell myself to think of something else when reminders are around, but this doesn't seem to help. I'm really hurting and I can't share that with my husband, he has told me that he really doesn't think he's the one to talk to when I'm feeling badly about it, because he can't do anything and it just makes him feel bad. So I guess I feel alone with my pain. I pray and ask God to help me with it each day, some days I wonder why it's so hard.