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Joined: Nov 2003
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Okay, here is my long and pitiful story…..

We’ve been married for 7 years, together for 12, and have no children (a decision made before marriage). I found out that my H was having an A last June, and ever since then, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. When I found out, I was shocked. When we finally stopped yelling and screaming about it long enough to talk about it in a civil manner, he made me realize how my behavior, in the past, contributed to what led him to the A. What I realized, more than anything, was that I had been so wrapped up in trying to manage our pitiful financial situation (which I blamed him for), that I neglected to pay enough attention to his emotional needs; I was taking his love for me for granted because I never imagined that he would ever do something like this. After coming to this realization, I accepted a lot of the blame, I became very insecure about myself and about his love for me, and I have bent over backwards to do whatever I can think of to make up for my past mistakes and change my behavior towards him. Unfortunately however, he had already fallen in love with her and still is. Consequently, he still hasn’t completely broken it off with her and, as you might imagine, there have been many lies, many battles and many tears.

Even though I believe that he hasn’t been seeing her much lately, I know that he still talks to her on his cell phone almost every day or whenever I’m not around. I know this because I check his voicemail, whenever I get the chance, and there are almost always messages from her and/or recent calls made TO her. Whenever I confront him with what I know, he gets defensive and usually makes me feel

We have had many long and deep conversations about this, as well as a lot of pretty bad arguments where we both become very defensive. But we are both trying very hard to work it out and avoid a divorce.

The OW also claims to be in love with him and she seems to have no qualms about the fact that he is married or that she is interfering in someone’s marriage. She claims to be a very strong and independent woman who is happy with herself enough to have never really needed anyone in her life in order to be happy. She says that it’s different with him, though. She’s told him that she just wants him in her life regardless of the inevitable struggles that she would have to face in order to spend time with him. Lately however, she’s been getting more and more frustrated and upset with him because he keeps breaking his promises to her, due to the fact that he’s trying harder to keep the promises that he’s made to me. I always knew that, eventually, she would come to depend on him more than she said she would and she would get discouraged. I keep hoping that, one day soon, she will finally get fed up enough to break it off with HIM and tell him to get lost, because I don’t think he will ever be able to end it with her, as long as she continues to be there for him. Shouldn’t there be a law against fooling around with someone who is married??!! I think there should be. Nevertheless, he keeps telling me that he’s “done with her.” If only that were true, I think that more than half of our problems would be solved and we both could finally concentrate more on our marriage and each other’s needs. But every time I think we’re getting close to that point, something happens to make me feel otherwise.

The night before Thanksgiving, we had another fight. So we decided to cancel all plans with family members due to our marital situation. Nevertheless, I went all out to surprise him with a very special Thanksgiving dinner, just for the two of us. He had been out on his motorcycle all day, but he did get home in time for the dinner. He was very surprised and appreciative because he thought that we weren’t even going to celebrate Thanksgiving. Later, we talked a bit more about the A and the OW. He told me that he just couldn't go on like this anymore, so he “hasn’t been calling her or seeing her anymore.” After he went to bed, I checked his cell phone messages again and found out, from another one of her messages, that he had been calling her all day. I confronted him again and we started to have another argument, but after he listened to the messages, he admitted his guilt again and apologized again. But this has happened too many times. I want so much to believe him, when he tells me what I want to hear, so I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, only to find out that I was lied to again. So this time I told him that words don’t even count or matter anymore. I told him that one of us needs to find another place to stay because we need to separate for a while. I have tried to leave several times, but always ended up turning around and coming back. The problem is that neither one of us really has a place to go nor can we afford to pay for another place to stay since we are both unemployed right now.

One of my biggest dilemmas is that, whenever he’s not home, I can’t resist the urge to find out where he is, what he is doing and who he’s with. I always end up calling him or driving around, looking for him. I know that I need to stay away from him long enough for him to figure out how much he does or doesn’t want to keep me in his life. I often wonder if this is just some sort of mid-life crisis that will eventually end.

After reading almost everything on the MB site, I went out and bought “His Needs, Her Needs”. I'm in the process of reading it now. All of the information I have read, so far, has been extremely comforting to me just knowing that there are others out there who can relate to what I've been going through and to the extents that I have gone to in order to save my marriage to someone who just keeps lying to me. Sometimes I just feel like a complete FOOL! But I know that he loves me and is trying to do the right thing. He just hasn't been able to do enough, yet.

UPDATE: He finally found a friend to stay with, said he was going to, and I tried very hard not to call or check up on him….. until the wee hours of the next morning. And guess what…..He did it again.

I confronted him, told him to pack up and get out, he begged for mercy and we talked all night. He turned the ringer on his cell phone on so I could hear it, gave me his new password for his voicemail, and when she called again, he admitted to her (in front of me), SOME of the lies that he had been telling. Meanwhile, he’s been reading the stacks of information that I have printed from this website……… Once again, I’m hoping. Am I pathetic, or what?! Thanks for reading.

Joined: Feb 2002
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Have you done the EN's questionnaires? That could start you both in the right direction. Please read up on Plan A. If your H cannot stop the A, but really wants the M you need to come up with a plan together to stop ALL contact.

Read more posts here and let us know what is going on. At some point, you may have to go to Plan B--if he does not follow NC and the A continues. I had to do it twice, and my H is just now REALLY not talking to OW, though she calls about once a week. BTW, D-day was two YEARS ago, so some of these WS's take a long time to get it. Meanwhile, work on yourself--take an inventory of yourself and work on the things you would like to change, do things that make you happy and strong and take some of the focus off the A and the M and back onto YOU.

You are not alone. Take care.

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DDP,

No, you are not pathetic. I just recently found out about my H affair although he is not in contact with her anymore. Just like you, there was a lot of tears, screaming, and saying horrible things to him. This was follwed by some deep soul searching and realizing my part in his wandering as well. Why would you think you are pathetic? You love your H, and what would you consider a non-pathetic way for you to react? I am in no way able to offer any advice to you as my situation is still very fresh and I am trying to find my way as well. I just had to reply because I too felt pathetic. I felt humiliated and felt I was made a fool of. And then one day it dawned on me that I wasn't the pathetic one. I had trust in my husband and he destroyed that. That wasn't a reflection on me, nobody put a gun to his head and forced him to screw some other woman. And believe me, now that it has all blown up he realizes that. He is ashamed. And he knows that his actions have affected us for many years to come, if not for the rest of our lives. I guarantee that when my H thinks of OW he does not get a warm, fuzzy feeling. He remembers her as the biggest mistake of his life.

I'm glad that you have found this website because there are a lot of very wise and experienced people here who will help you. Hang in there-you are NOT pathetic.

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She gave HIM a letter. She said that she doesn't think they should see each other, until he can get his s**t together and make a decision about his M. I doubt I'd ever be able to get him to write a letter. I'm just hoping there is no more cell phone contact. So far, I don't think there has been any since that day (Sunday morning). He swears that they she hasn't called him and vv.

Joined: Mar 2003
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Sounds exactly like my WH. I am so sorry you are going through this and there are many more of us here that can relate to every feeling you are going through.

How are you doing? Have you had time to sit down and reflect what this is doing to you? I know exactly where you are at, and right now it is action, action, action, survival and hope that he will finally come to his senses.

It sounds like he is having a tough time breaking it off. Its tough breaking it off because both you and OW are attending to his needs. If you feel that this OW doesn´t back out soon, maybe you should consider going off somewhere for lets say a month, and get a break from him and all of this pain.

During that month you could reflect, recollect and become stronger by doing some stuff for just you. Of course it would mean minimal contact with WH and throwing him into the OW arms. It sounds like he has already lovebusted her too much and if he is thrown into her arms, then it is only her that can meet his needs - and what happens then? Its not enough - he´ll start missing you and she will lovebust him even more - he´ll miss you even more...

Its just psychology of the human nature. If at the same time he perceives you to be getting stronger and less needier whilst gone, his attraction towards you will grow.

I know, you don´t need to tell me that why would it have to be like this - its sick. Why can´t you just be honest and work things out even if it means weakness and tears? I don´t know, it just doesn´t work that way. What you are doing isn´t working and in my honest opinion you have tried long enough. If I were you I would change approaches, because if you carry on like this you will lose all love for your WH - and then there is no way back.

Please, try to remember to take care of you in all of this - its horrible to be thrown round like a unwanted ragdoll and you need to protect yourself from continuing it.

All the best
Queen

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Ktf,

I am sorry you are going through this but your story sounds a lot like mine in many ways.

How did your H meet the OW? Is she divorced? Boy she sounds a lot like PBR (my pet name for the OW, it stands for psycho babble rabbit).

Listen, right now you can't keep them apart but you can get yourself tested for STDs. Tell your H you are getting tested. This will set a precident that the OW is a physical danger to you. Let him know that one of the conditions for his return is that he get tested and give you the results.

His anger is a gauge to measure his sincerity. The more angry he gets the more you need to realze that recovery is not ready. It may not work if he is good liar but from your story I think you can use that as a good gauge.

As weird as it sounds, it may be better if the OW is required to meet ALL his needs. Even his bills. Don't take his bills as your burden. If you are both working make sure he pays his share for your family home and he can handle his expenses because that is his choice. If he balks about where will his outside living expenses be paid, let him know he has chosen another source and he needs to make sure she pays her dues. I know this sounds hard but in our case the OW was willing to pay $$ for the WS; time. That made him a gigaloo and I told him so.

Get with a good MC or see if you can do some phone counseling with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri. Read up on suriving an affair by Dr W. Harley and Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson are both good to help strengthen you.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

Joined: Nov 2003
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Thanks guys. I'm feeling a lot stronger today. I have a lot more faith this time. I really believe that he doesn't want to continue doing this to me and our marriage. I also think she is really trying to stay away and not call him. I'm pretty sure they will talk again, but I think they both want to cool things off for awhile, hopefully for good. He's just consumed with trying to get work right now, so he can make his motorcycle and truck payments. I've stopped paying his bills because I've run out of money and now looking for a job, too. He's a General Contractor, but looking for a job with other construction companies. So, right now, we need each other and he can't afford to go out to the bars anymore.

Meanwhile, I'm going to keep working on Plan A, reading the books, corresponding with you all & Keepin' the Faith....Thanks again.

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<small>[ December 04, 2003, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Keepin' the Faith ]</small>


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