My W told me on September 14th that she isn’t happy with her life and that she no longer wants to be together with me. Since then, I have spent four weeks at my parents house in Florida (we live in Germany). Those four weeks were a planned vacation that both of us were supposed to go on. I hadn’t seen my parents in four years and we had everything planned. The rest of the time we have been living in the same house, but seperately.

I guess you could say that our R hasn’t been too easy for her. At the beginning, I had just gotten out of the Army and she had to take care of everything so that I could stay and work in this country. I couln’t speak the language, so she had to deal with all of the paperwork to get me my work permit and my resident’s visa. She took care of everything to get me an apartment and a job. She did all of this while in her apprenticship for the bank. It took a lot out of her, but our R was still good. I found out later that because of all of the stress, she was already unhappy with me. She basically made it all my fault that she “gave up” her youth (she was 17 when we got together).

To make a long story short, I was unhappy with my job and I was struggling to learn German. I was working 11-12 hours a day and I was so worn out that I didn’t want to do anything after work but sleep. I gained a lot of weight, which made me unattractive to her. I have never been a “club-going” person, but she has always liked dancing and music. I used to go with her every Friday and Saturday, but then she told me that she would rather go alone because she couldn’t have any fun when I was there. I am the type of person who likes to sit at a table or at the bar and listen to the music (since I can’t dance my way out of a wet paper bag) and she thought that I wasn’t having any fun, so she didn’t feel good about having fun. She is the type of person who will spend the entire night on the dance floor. We used to dance to slow songs, but that stopped too (because she needed a breather from the faster songs). I stopped going to the club with her after that because I wanted her to have a good time and I knew that she needed to unwind after a long week at work.

This continued for another two or three years. I weighed about 50 lbs. more than I did when we go together and I had been fired from my job. I then got a chance to go to school and have the German government pay for it and give me unemployment at the same time. I was able to go to school for two years full time. I had learned enough German and everything seemed to be getting better. We got married in October 1998. While in school I stayed the same (weight and laziness), I guess I had gotten used to being that way and she began to get even more distant. We went on vacation in July 1999 to visit my parents (her first time meeting them) and had a wonderful time (or at least I thought so). After we got back she became even more distant and then she dropped the bomb for the first time.

She said that she was unhappy and that she felt alone and that she wanted me to leave. She told me that she had had multiple A’s since we had been together (all of them with OM I knew personally). The first was just a one-night stand w/ a mutual friend. Number 2 was an EA/PA that went over 6 months with a guy I knew, but with whom she had become good friends with at the club. He was married with children and she didn’t want to break up his marriage and she felt guilty for cheating on me so she finally broke it off with him. Shortly after that we got married, and since I didn’t change (like she told me she had hoped marrying me would do), there was another ONS twice in two weeks with the same guy (another aquaintance of mine who she didn’t know much better than me). She told me that they just went out behind the club both times and did it really fast. That image still hauts me to this day. Then she told me that she was currently in an EA/PA with my best friend and that it had been going on since about two weeks after we got back from the states.

I took all of this information and anaylized it. I realized that I pushed her into these A’s and that if I hadn’t gotten so fat and lazy that they wouldn’t have happened. I decided to change myself. I was still in school so I had plenty of time after school before she got home to take care of the things that I should have been doing all along. She was living with her parents so that gave me even more time. I started cleaning the house everyday. I walked to and from school and I was so stressed out that I lost 30 lbs. in 4 weeks. She stayed with her parents for only 1 week and then she came back home. She was still talking to current OM and I told her that it bothered me. I called him (with her in the room) and told him that I hope that they are happy together and that he better be good to her. She cried after that. I called her parents and told them that she wanted a divorce. She went to their house and they convinced her not to. I found out later that she resented me for that and that she only agreed to work it out so that her parents would leave her alone about it. We tried for the last four years and there were times that things were good. She went to school and got her degree and we both have good jobs and make decent money (we both make about the same).
One problem is that she is almost always stressed out about something. She has to work way too long and I used to complain about that because I missed her and wanted to spend more time with her. She took it as a personal attack and got pi**ed off at me for not letting her relax or for bothering her at work. She is 26 and hasn’t been able to get her driver’s license yet (you can’t get it in Germany until you’re 18). We never had the money (it is expensive, about $1200) and when we did have the money she didn’t have the time, because she was working full time and going to night school. She said that she feels like she never had a chance to be young and that she doesn’t want to look back on her life and think “Is that it?”.

I can come up with a thousand excuses why I didn’t clean up around the house even though I get home hours before she does and I can come up with a million more excuses why I never wanted to go out and do anything with her. But these LB are in the past. I began 180’ing without even knowing that there was a technique for it. I just decided to change myself for good this time, with the hope that it would change her mind, but also knowing that if I ever want to be happy again I need to make these changes.

In the last 10 weeks, I have lost 35 lbs and I am working on losing more. I have been cleaning the house every day after work, doing the dishes and the laundry. On Friday I dust, vacuum and mop so that by the weekend there is nothing to clean in the house and she can concentrate on relaxing and doing what she wants to do. I am eating healthier and working out at home. I am going to start going to the gym soon and to the tanning spa. I have been working on my appearance a lot. Since I lost so much weight, I had to get new clothes. She has noticed all of these changes and she has made positive remarks towards them. I have been plan A’ing for the last 4 weeks without even knowing about Plan A and B. I just found this forum 2 days ago and I was so surprised that there are guidelines for what I have been doing!

I have made some mistakes in my Plan A though. I have initiated conversations about our M and I have mentioned her A’s. I asked her if there is OM this time and hse said that there isn’t. She said that she just wants to be alone and she want to make her own decisions for herself. She has always been able to do this. I just wanted a phone call if she was going to be late from work and I wanted a couple of weekend nights together with her each month, but I guess that she felt like I was controlling her. She move out of her parents house and moved in with me, so she has never had a “Single Life” and she has never been able to live on her own. I can understand these feelings, but I can’t understand why she is willing to throw away a 9 year R and a 5 year M to be alone. She told me that there isn’t anyone and that she doesn’t even want ther to be anyone else (and I believe her, the signs aren’t even there either). She just wants to be alone. Her friends (all female), have told her that she need to be sure about this decision and that they don’t think that it is a good decision. Her parents have said the same thing to her. She justs says that she has been trying to make everyone else happy for so long that she feels that it is time for her to make herslef happy for once.

Like I said, she has noticed the changed I have made in my life and she had made positive remarks to them. She has also told me that her friends and family have told her how serious they think that I am about changing because I have held out for so long this time. She told me that she loves me, but only like a brother and that her feelings for me have slowly started to come back but the main problem for her is that she can’t imagine having sex with me ever again. She says that I look better and that that isn’t the problem, she just feels uncomfortable even thinking about sleeping with me. I have been sleeping on the couch since she told me on September 14th. There were a couple of nights three weeks ago that she slept on the couch with me, but just because I told her that I have been having trouble falling asleep. She gives me hugs and kisses on the cheek and she has cuddled up next to me a few times, but only for a few minutes. She tells me how much better I feel since I’ve lost weight.

I live in the same house with the woman I love and she love me too, but like a brother. Should I leave and start Plan B?

Anyway, I’m babbling and I think that this is enough for now. I would appreciate any suggestions or support. Thanks for listening.

Wew. Sorry to hear about that. Reading your post, I felt it all over again when I first learned of my wife's affairs. The haunting? Horrible, I know.

I can't really say much because I am on the same road you happen to be on, I'm just futher down. My wife has moved out after all of this and reasoning with her is IMPOSSIBLE. All I can say is read up and talk to people here. From what I understand, wives do come back home, it just takes time and prayer.

My prayers go out to you.

I am hardly in a position to give advice to anyone as I can't even handle my own WW. But, I think I can say that while you may be responsible for gaining weight, and 1/2 responsible for the problems in your marriage, you are NOT responsible for the affair.

Your wife, like my WW, could have come to you and said "Look you insensitive creep, this marriage is not meeting my needs, I am upset and feeling like it may not be worth staying with you longer. Let's get some help and see if we can fix our marriage". Alas, our wives chose an A instead. So now we husbands have to do the heavy lifting to save the marriage.

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Wait a minute:

You did not force your wife into having multiple sexual affair and cheating behind your back. She did this multiple times while you were dating her.
She has a pattern of behavior of not only cheating on you sexually and putting your health at risk, but screwing men who you were best friends with. She deliberately chose these men.

I think it is important that you open your eyes and realize you made a horrible choice in who you married. I doubt she would ever change since this is her pattern of behavior and the way she conducts herself with her life. The fact that she could continue to screw your friends behind your back and you had no idea says a great deal how easy it was for her to lie to you. How wonderful that she could screw a couple of men outside the club very quickly. After all this you wish to take full responsbility for it? Get smart and see an attorney and look for someone in the future who can respect you and the concept of marriage which is something you wife seemingly has no desire to do for you. At least have enough respect for yourself to stop this abuse and move on. I wish you luck.

No Brianp you wait a minute:

My W&#8217;s A&#8217;s happened over four years ago, and she feels guilty about them. I have forgiven her, because I know that I wasn&#8217;t a good husband to her and I know that I wasn&#8217;t giving her the affection and support that she needed at the time. As for it being a pattern of behavior that cannot change, I believe that it can change and it has. She feels so guilty for cheating on me and she has apologized numerous amounts of time for them. There hasn&#8217;t been another A since the last one in 1999. I know that "it takes two to tango", and that she should have told me about her feelings, but she didn&#8217;t because she didn&#8217;t have the feeling that she could talk to me and have me understand. The A&#8217;s really aren&#8217;t the problem for me anymore and they haven&#8217;t been for over three years. The problem now is that she can&#8217;t forgive herself for the mistakes she made and she doesn&#8217;t know how to get past her skeletons. And I am going to be here to support her and help her through it.

I love my wife and I know that she loves me. It is just that because she has been feeling so guilty for so long and making herself out to be a bad person, she can&#8217;t love me the way a wife should because she is having problems loving herself. I know that if I show her that I have changed and that I will support her and be "her rock", that she will realize someday that she no longer needs to fear her past because she is the only one to whom it is an issue. My W is a wonderful person, she is beautiful and intelligent. She just can&#8217;t communicate and she avoids conflict like the plague. She made some mistakes and I have forgiven her, because I know that she isn&#8217;t the type of person who would normally do these things. She just felt alone and unloved and she felt that I was unable to give her what she needed at the time. She still has a problem with communication and she still does everything possible to avoid conflict. If she feels anger towards me, she doesn&#8217;t say anything, but I can sense it now (after years of experience) and then I talk to her about how she is feeling and then she opens up.

Like I said, things are getting better so why would I go and get a lawyer? Just because you would be ready to run away and quit, doesn&#8217;t mean that is the right thing to do. I have gotten over my W&#8217;s A&#8217;s a long time ago. I was just looking for support on how to make her not feel guilty about it anymore and show her that she is a good person.

Your suggestion is unwarranted and unwanted. You obviously didn&#8217;t read the entire post and you can&#8217;t know the entire history, because I couldn&#8217;t write everything (it was long enough as it is). So don&#8217;t base your opinion on my W according to what happened four years ago. People like you are the reason she still feels so guilty about it. She has never done anything else wrong in our M or our R. She has been an otherwise perfect W. She was the one trying all of these years and I wasn&#8217;t. She just got weak a few times. She is, after all, only human. Ask yourself what you would have done in her shoes.