I am down,down,down and don't know what to do. I have done well keeping all of the hurt that is still inside of me out of view to others.I cannot get rid of the memories,the triggers,the pain,the dissappointment,the questions,the agony from my FWS's A that I discovered this time of year 3 years ago. I no longer enjoy the holidays the way I used to as the A went on during so many of them.Thanksgiving, Christmas, our anniversary,New Years, Valentine's Day,H's birthday,Easter. Not only was it going on then,there is some specific happening associated with each of them that involved the FOW and a big disappointment for me.I will not bore you with details.

Maybe I am just letting some of this out. I don't know.One thing that bothers me is that I had never felt hatred for any human being before the A and I did not feel it during or right after the A. I do feel it for the FOW now and I have prayed and prayed to remove it but it doesn't go away. Why do I have it now? I was not cruel or mean to the FOW even when she called 3 times with mean,harsh,threats of bodily harm to me,saying horrible things to and about me so why do I feel this now?

Unfortunately,I did not know about MB during the A and for a long time after he left the FOW and returned home to me.I did not know about the Plan A and B. I did not know about not pleading with him to return or doing things to remind him of our M and life together,not allowing him to return home without doing certain things or any of the MB works. I flew by the seat of my pants,prayed day and night for God's guidance and did all I knew to do to save my M. I can see why all of those things(MB) make a difference in your recovery but I did not know.

I came to realize that I was the one who would have to do all of the hard work and things of the restoration of the M.He has had no problem with the easy stuff,affection,doing nice things,showing concern and regret.He is wonderful to me. He simply refused to do the difficult things like a NC letter or conversation,answering questions about the A or the FOW,and alot of other things that were needed. I just had to accept that is the way it is and go on.
I have gone on and I am thankful that I have my H back in the way I had him before this all happened but I am not the same. I feel damaged beyond repair.

I have confessed all of this now and I am not sure just why. I am a spiritual woman and I try to encourage others. I do not feel that I "fit" anywhere here and it seems that if I post on a thread,it dies in place. What is wrong with me.I was such a different person before the A.

We had a wonderful M,EN's and SF's met(at least his were),so much in common,friendship,stable. It can happen to those with a good M. You know what? It makes it harder when you don't know what you can do to prevent it. If anything, I was more in line to have an A than H ever was.I never considered having an A.

We have been in recovery for 2 and a half years and as far as our everyday life and the way my H treats me,it is great. I just cannot stop hurting or wondering or questioning over and over in my mind.We are living some of our dreams and I do not feel the enthusiasm that I should be feeling.I present to the world a happy,grateful,spiritual woman but inside I am still in pain.I know it was about him and his disfunctions and not about me or his EN's not being met but that does not stop my pain or turmoil inside. It actually makes it harder for me in a way. I now know that no matter how wonderful our M can be,there is that great big possibility it will happen again. The fact that it happened is what I still deal with in my head all of the time.But no one knows.

Inside.......I feel somewhat worthless. I feel less than.I feel that I will never be right again and I will have to go around acting like I am fine for the rest of my life. I have heard "if you forgive him you have to forget what he has done and let it go" so much that I am afraid I will slap the next one that tells me so I say nothing to anyone.

I am sorry if this is a disapointment to the few here who know me.I cannot share these feeling with anyone else. Who knows,maybe it is just the time of year. Who cares,anyway? I am not feeling sorry for myself,I am just tired of these thoughts and feelings. I needed to let them out. We have been doing beauifully and here I am complaining. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks and I apologize for being a downer. May God bless each and everyone of you and bestow His greatest of blessings upon you and your loved ones. kk

KK,

Glad you posted. I suspect there are many lurkers out there like you and me. 2nd anniversary d-day comes in March and I have felt at times just like you're feeling. Of & on.

Don't know if you've considered this, but one thing I've learned is that there is a "personal recovery" necessary in addition to the marital recovery.

Depending on how I'm doing, the personal recovery takes priority.

I've counseled with Steve Harley in the past and was comforted to hear his support of me in this.

I'd like to hear more of how you're feeling. Talk about anything you want. I find myself feeling out of place on this board often because I've been in recovery longer than many & it's hard to find someone who can relate to where I am right now!! Blessings, CSue

Why do you feel this way? My guess is cause you don't feel safe.

As for feeling like you are permanently injured, well.....sigh......don't we all, this is a brutal ordeal for all involved, regardless of acronym.

But it will pass KK. There are (IMO) no special tricks or techniques, the answer is ridiculously simple, and hopelessly intimidateing at the same time. You will be ok when you decide to be, in the meantime you keep putting one foot in front of the other...do the work, and live life....don't ever give up....and lean on God's strong shoulder while you wobble along.

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: sufdb ]</small>

Dear KK-- First of all, I am sorry if your posts have not received responses. It's happened to me, and I know how it feels. I also know about your FWH; he's just like mine. I work very hard on acceptance of the things I can't change. He makes the effort within his (limited) capabilities, and still can't do all of the things I need him to-- the biggest being the heart-to-heart communication that I would find so healing.

The holidays are hard, and the triggers are worse, because it should be a joyous time. My worst trigger, I think, is that H brought me and our children to OW's family Christmas. Ugh!!!

Enough commiserating. I'm no doctor, but I have suffered from depression for many years. You sound depressed. Just before discovering the A, I quit taking my antidepressants, because I felt they were affencting my libido and harming our marriage. Ya think!?!

Anyway, I stayed off the meds for two years, because it stuck in my mind that I missed so many clues while taking them. They were the worst two years of my life.

I was anxious and suspicious all the time. I obsessed on the A. I could not concentrate on work-- really bad news since I supervise a bunch of people who oversee billions in trust account assets... Self-esteem was in the toilet. Nothing ever felt good. Sound familiar?

I went in for my physical a month ago, and asked the Dr. for Wellbutrin, which tends not to affect sex drive. Life is much better now. I can see and appreciate what's good in my life.

Even if you do not have a history of depression, most of the folks here will tell you the shock of an A can plunge you into despair to such an extent that you need medication to pull out of it.

Please see your doctor. The healing gets much easier when you're in the right mood. It doesn't solve anything, but it sure helps to keep you from dwelling on the negative.

Bless you. Hang in there!

--DT <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

CSue, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd like to hear more of how you're feeling. Talk about anything you want. I find myself feeling out of place on this board often because I've been in recovery longer than many & it's hard to find someone who can relate to where I am right now!! Blessings, CSue
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you for your response.You have my true concern for being in this same boat. I am more than glad to communicate with you and would be happy if there is any way I can be of help to you in your recovery. You are right. It is the "personal recovery" that I am still dealing with today. I do relate. kk

sufdb, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why do you feel this way? My guess is cause you don't feel safe............
You will be ok when you decide to be, in the meantime you keep putting one foot in front of the other...do the work, and live life....don't ever give up....and lean on God's strong shoulder while you wobble along.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heartfelt thanks for your words. I do not wring my hands or sit around worrying or suspecting that he will leave again,so it is not that type of unsafe feeling but I can tell you that I trusted him completely and totally.It took me a long time and a lot of reading,counseling and studying to understand that his A and leaving was about him and his own issues. None is perfect but we sure were exceptional.So not feeling safe makes sense.
As far as being ok when I decide to be,I am a strong willed person and I have tried making up my mind to "being ok" many, many times. I am and will continue to do the putting one foot before the other,live the life,do the work and show my H committed love,trust and more. I could not have made it without God's shoulder. He is the reason I live.Thank you for your concern. I will progress on down this road. I just needed to let this out.kk

desperatelytrying, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H brought me and our children to OW's family Christmas. Ugh!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh,my! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Bless your heart,that had to be horrible to discover. I have never met the FOW and I hope I never do.
I have tried a couple of different AD's but got sick at my stomach and had dizziness with both. I will ask my MD about the Wellbutrin. I am ready for something. I am sorry to know that anyone else is enduring this and you have my concern. Thank you so very much for your input and your understanding. I wish for you and your family the best. kk

[QUOTE]Originally posted by kings kid:
I am down,down,down and don't know what to do. I have done well keeping all of the hurt that is still inside of me out of view to others.

??? Who says keeping your hurt out of sight is "doing well"? I certainly won't tell you that.

There is some pridefulness at work here. Are you thinking that your "should not" be weak or hurt, or that it's up to you to always show a strong face, albeit a phoney one?


I cannot get rid of the memories,the triggers,the pain,the dissappointment,the questions,the agony from my FWS's A that I discovered this time of year 3 years ago.

Not unless you get a lobotomy or develop dementia! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I no longer enjoy the holidays the way I used to as the A went on during so many of them.Thanksgiving, Christmas, our anniversary,New Years, Valentine's Day,H's birthday,Easter. Not only was it going on then,there is some specific happening associated with each of them that involved the FOW and a big disappointment for me.I will not bore you with details.

You know, the day after Christmas is our DD. I do understand.



Maybe I am just letting some of this out. I don't know.One thing that bothers me is that I had never felt hatred for any human being before the A and I did not feel it during or right after the A. I do feel it for the FOW now and I have prayed and prayed to remove it but it doesn't go away. Why do I have it now? I was not cruel or mean to the FOW even when she called 3 times with mean,harsh,threats of bodily harm to me,saying horrible things to and about me so why do I feel this now?

Because she WAS hateful (not to mention possibly psychotic) and YOU are human with frailties you must accept.

Unfortunately,I did not know about MB during the A and for a long time after he left the FOW and returned home to me.I did not know about the Plan A and B. I did not know about not pleading with him to return or doing things to remind him of our M and life together,not allowing him to return home without doing certain things or any of the MB works. I flew by the seat of my pants,prayed day and night for God's guidance and did all I knew to do to save my M. I can see why all of those things(MB) make a difference in your recovery but I did not know.

Me too. MB came years after recovery began. What a blessing MB would have been. I sure wouldn't have been so mean to WH if I'd had MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I came to realize that I was the one who would have to do all of the hard work and things of the restoration of the M.He has had no problem with the easy stuff,affection,doing nice things,showing concern and regret.

I am not so sure you did all the difficult things .... although, as a BS, I realize why you feel this way. Perhaps YOU are a stronger person than your H?

He is wonderful to me. He simply refused to do the difficult things like a NC letter or conversation,answering questions about the A or the FOW,and alot of other things that were needed. I just had to accept that is the way it is and go on.

The KEY here is to accept. Then release the past.

I have gone on and I am thankful that I have my H back in the way I had him before this all happened but I am not the same. I feel damaged beyond repair.

You are forever altered ... and some of the alterations are not pleasant.

My Mom is dying. My DH (who lost his Dad) said to me that losing Mom will change me forever but I will be OK ... but never the same.

That's the accept and move on again.



I have confessed all of this now and I am not sure just why. I am a spiritual woman and I try to encourage others. I do not feel that I "fit" anywhere here and it seems that if I post on a thread,it dies in place. What is wrong with me.I was such a different person before the A.

You are a better woman.

We had a wonderful M,EN's and SF's met(at least his were),so much in common,friendship,stable. It can happen to those with a good M. You know what? It makes it harder when you don't know what you can do to prevent it. If anything, I was more in line to have an A than H ever was.I never considered having an A.

Sometimes life sucks lemons. And sometimes it is pretty darn good.

They key is that life is ever changing ... and we must move on. The old saying "This too shall pass" .... can also be applied to when you feel the blues.

We have been in recovery for 2 and a half years and as far as our everyday life and the way my H treats me,it is great. I just cannot stop hurting or wondering or questioning over and over in my mind.We are living some of our dreams and I do not feel the enthusiasm that I should be feeling.I present to the world a happy,grateful,spiritual woman but inside I am still in pain.I know it was about him and his disfunctions and not about me or his EN's not being met but that does not stop my pain or turmoil inside. It actually makes it harder for me in a way.

Enthusiasm can be encouraged with playfullness.

I now know that no matter how wonderful our M can be,there is that great big possibility it will happen again. The fact that it happened is what I still deal with in my head all of the time.But no one knows.

But, if another A effects your marriage ... or my marriage .... we will survive. We will be loved once more.

I know that if there is a "slip" and my H becomes a WH .... I will be at peace with MY ethics and MY spiritual grace .... I know I could take care of my life with God's help. And, I know I would be divorced. Once is enough.

I think same thing applies to you.

Honestly, I am much more concerned that my H would "slip" with alcohol .... that's an arena where I am not sure what my course would be.



Inside.......I feel somewhat worthless.

Feeling worthless is unreality. it is also a bit of a pout on your part. But, that's OK .... cuz.... this too shall pass ..... after all, it's just a feeling, and NOT a reality.


I feel less than.I feel that I will never be right again and I will have to go around acting like I am fine for the rest of my life. I have heard "if you forgive him you have to forget what he has done and let it go" so much that I am afraid I will slap the next one that tells me so I say nothing to anyone.

I think you better have a heart-to-heart with your husband.

He needs to be aware of your inner turmoil, and he needs to listen and hold you.

That's his job .... but he can't do his job unless you guide him.


I am sorry if this is a disapointment to the few here who know me.I cannot share these feeling with anyone else. Who knows,maybe it is just the time of year.

Possibly. I get very sentimental this time of year and cry at the drop of a pin ... even comercials can set me off.

Who cares,anyway? I am not feeling sorry for myself,I am just tired of these thoughts and feelings. I needed to let them out. We have been doing beauifully and here I am complaining. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Let'em rip woman!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I love it when you post ... straight from the heart. You are such a beautiful person.

Thanks and I apologize for being a downer.

shut-up!

May God bless each and everyone of you and bestow His greatest of blessings upon you and your loved ones. kk

Thanks. My heart is hurting too.... and a blessing is very much appreciated.

Love,

Pep

<small>[ December 04, 2003, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

kk-- Don't want to harp, but you need to educate yourself on the side-effects of the meds you take. Most of them are temporary while you are adjusting, usually easing after 2-4 weeks. With the Wellbutrin, I was emotional and had pretty bad anxiety for the first three weeks. I checked the internet and found that these were known (and temporary)effects, and that made them easier to tolerate. Try not to give up on treating the depression; it makes a real difference in your outlook and in your response to life.

My motto has always been: Try everything until you find what works.

You are getting very good responses from others here. I had no idea we had so many fellow MBers in the same stage with similar stories. It's really good support!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --DT

Sorry this posted before I was finished.kk

<small>[ December 05, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Hello Pepperband,my precious MB friend. Once again your words of wisdom and truth are appreciated and needed.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ??? Who says keeping your hurt out of sight is "doing well"? I certainly won't tell you that.

There is some pridefulness at work here. Are you thinking that your "should not" be weak or hurt, or that it's up to you to always show a strong face, albeit a phoney one?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since your post some time back......... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a problem .... and it's not pretty. I'm a snob.
And some long time BS posters .... I cannot post to them for the same reason. I don't trust myself to say anything close to helpful, because I don't respect the core of their difficulty.
I'm a snob. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...............I have felt that it might be best to also keep it to myself at least on here. I came here anyway as I needed to share with someone who understands and might help.I am glad I posted.I find I am not alone and I have received encouragement form you and others.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not so sure you did all the difficult things .... although, as a BS, I realize why you feel this way. Perhaps YOU are a stronger person than your H?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am referring to talking about the A, initiating MC, and doing the work of figuring out the what and why of the A,explaining the situation to my S & D,friends and family and talking with them about not hating H or resenting him,etc. My H certainly has never spoken to any of them about any of it except to my D briefly.It has been like pulling impacted wisdom teeth to get any conversation out of H about any of it. I have always been the stronger one in all of my lifetime.Childhood,family,friends,coworkers and M. When the ox is in the ditch........you gotta get him out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My Mom is dying. My DH (who lost his Dad) said to me that losing Mom will change me forever but I will be OK ... but never the same.

That's the accept and move on again.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry and I do know how it feels as my mother is dying with pancreatic cancer.I have a lot to be thankful for as she has already survived a lot longer than expected.I am sure you are like me and know that your world will be thrown off it's axis when it comes.But there is a God who will be there for us and will set it all back to spinning again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, if another A effects your marriage ... or my marriage .... we will survive. We will be loved once more.

I know that if there is a "slip" and my H becomes a WH .... I will be at peace with MY ethics and MY spiritual grace .... I know I could take care of my life with God's help. And, I know I would be divorced. Once is enough.

I think same thing applies to you.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are right.
Thank you so very much for your time and words.I have great respect for you and I love you sweet lady. When I told you that I would be there to help you in any way I possibly can,it came from a loving caring,sincere heart and not from some crazy,nutzo who wants anything in return.


QUOTE] Let'em rip woman!!!! I love it when you post ... straight from the heart. You are such a beautiful person.
[/QUOTE]
Thank you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks. My heart is hurting too.... and a blessing is very much appreciated.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are welcome.I will continue to ask for more to be granted to you and yours. With tears in my eyes and a grateful heart, I want to tell you that I appreciate and respect you more than my words can express on this screen. kk

desperatelytrying,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't want to harp, but you need to educate yourself on the side-effects of the meds you take. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not take it that you are harping. I appreciate your concern. I asked my MD for the Wellbutrin and he said it was only given to help people stop smoking and I am not a smoker so I did not say any more to him. I will ask my other MD about it. I got vertigo taking the AD he did prescribe. I have occasional problems with the vertigo and it might have been that it was just coincidental but the vertigo is difficult to deal with so I stopped it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are getting very good responses from others here. I had no idea we had so many fellow MBers in the same stage with similar stories. It's really good support!! --DT
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is amazing. I think there are more that feel reluctant to admit it just as I have been but sharing like this will help us. You and others have already been of help to me. Thank you and harp on me anytime you feel I need it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> kk

kk-- You do need another MD who can treat you as a whole person. Zyban is the smoking cessation drug, which has the same chemical basis, but Wellbutrin is a different formulation specifically for depression. Unfortunately it's getting all too common that a patient can be better informed than <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> their doctor just by doing a little reading.

Back to the Holidays. The things I try to focus on are the simple things and the family traditions that make the season meaningful and blessed. Trying to let go of the Norman Rockwell sh*t that we aspire to and inevitably fail at. Maybe start a new family tradition, so you have new memories that belong only to you. They won't be tainted by the thoughts of what was going on when you were doing this last year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Anyone have any good ideas for holiday family traditions that we can try? Anyone want my gingerbread recipe? How about my famous jello mould (oops, almost spelled it mold!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Let's make this one the best ever!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> --DT

desperatelytrying, I would love to have your gingerbread recipe. I have a 3 yo GD and I know we could have fun making it. I recently bought a cast iron pan that has the house design to make a gingerbread house! Is that the best thing to use or do you use something else?
Thanks. kk

KK-- I just do cookies-- not as ambitious as you are!! But making a gingerbread house with your gd is a fabulous tradition. My home computer is on the fritz, so I'll try to get you the recipe on Monday. Have a great weekend!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> DT

KK,

This is a nice comfy thread that I've enjoyed reading.

Back to your issue of triggers, something SH told me helped quite alot. With my recovery going well, my FWH doing great with our recovery, all of the right things I found myself feeling extreme negative emotions (triggers) still.

What SH said that helped is to think of my memory (triggers) as needing to be written over similar to rewriting a hard drive. It's a way of "taking back" those holidays and other events and circumstances that cause triggers.

Of course when you're in the midst of a trigger, it's tough to rewrite. But once you've worked through the emotion of the trigger, it's time to take initiative and plan a rewrite over the negative experience for next time.

I'm sure you're aware of future times that could be possible triggers. So now before the time occurs, make a positive plan of how you and your husband will rewrite over that negative experience.

I have a few myself still out there and this is a good reminder for me to pay attention so I'm not caught by surprise. CSue

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have heard "if you forgive him you have to forget what he has done and let it go" so much that I am afraid I will slap the next one that tells me so I say nothing to anyone.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read my post, THEN slap me up if you feel like it, ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I don't think forgiving equals forgetting. Nor does it mean you don't hurt, nor does it mean that you don't sometimes still feel angry.

I do think it means that you accept it was bad, and nothing about the bad times will ever change.

H can't go back & change what he did.
You can't go back and have known about MB.
Done deals.

My counselor led me through a forgiveness process that really helped me.

First, time alone.

List all the hurts, grievances, wrongs, triggers, hated situations and people that you can think of of.

Go through the list and get good and angry/sad/raging/yelling/wailing/pounding/mad about each and every thing.

Sometimes we push the anger and sadness away, fearing them, but if you actually let them out, experience them, you lose the fear of admitting how angry you really are and how much you have been hurt.

Then...extend forgiveness for each thing. Give it up to God to manage.

After the process, do not dwell on anything from the list. Because it takes some effort not to think in the habitual grooves you've worn in your mind.

As soon as it comes into your mind, say (aloud if you need to) "God's handling that." or, even, "I'll think about that tomorrow".

If something that wasn't on the list comes into your mind, you can repeat the process, or add it onto the forgiveness column.

My counselor told me that unforgiveness leads to unresolved anger, bitterness, depression, despair, and finally emotional & spiritual death and physical ill-health. Forgiveness is not for the one who has wronged you. Forgiveness is for your own mental and finally physical health.

You aren't worthless.
-You have done a beautiful thing in valuing your marriage vows in the face of being wronged.
-In restoring your marriage you exhibit the fruits of the spirit, love, patience, compassion, kindness.
-You are strong and steadfast.

You're the King's Kid <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

I'm ready to duck the slap, you really didn't think I was going to stand here and wait for you to swing, did you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

CSue,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What SH said that helped is to think of my memory (triggers) as needing to be written over similar to rewriting a hard drive. It's a way of "taking back" those holidays and other events and circumstances that cause triggers.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I like that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I also going to get myself on the AD's and I think it will be helpful to do more of that type of thinking.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have a few myself still out there and this is a good reminder for me to pay attention so I'm not caught by surprise. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good thinking and planning.
Thanks Csue, I value your effort to help me through this time.I hope that you,too,will find a way to rid your mind and heart of the thoughts and triggers.It sounds like you have taken the right measures,with counseling,etc,to help. I have been so set on being the strong one and do it all by myself. I am so thankful for this forum and good folks like you who care enough to take the time to respond. May you soon find peace to replace all of the struggles that your heart and mind endures. kk

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You aren't worthless.
-You have done a beautiful thing in valuing your marriage vows in the face of being wronged.
-In restoring your marriage you exhibit the fruits of the spirit, love, patience, compassion, kindness.
-You are strong and steadfast.

You're the King's Kid .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lor, I appreciate your help and encouragment. Everything you shared with me is eye opening and of great help. The above beautiful things you wrote are soothing to my mind,heart and soul.I needed every word you wrote and I take it all in and know that you are right. I have started to write several things(negative) but rather than do so,I did what you told me in your post.
The thing with my sign in name is..... It is a show of humbling myself with the lower case letters,a thankful and honorable thing to be a child of God and no apostrophe in kings because I do not type the best in the world and would forget the apostrophe and have to type in my screen name over and over to ever get logged on! I spell pretty good,I am not a typist.

He has brought me through a lot in my lifetime and I know it was God that gave me the strength and hope that kept me going through the middle of the storm of the A.

This will get better. It is temporary.
((((((Lor)))))) instead of a slap. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> kk

KK,

Here's what still causes me problems. Self-doubt. I was one of those BSs who thought there was NO WAY, NO CHANCE that my husband would have an affair. Not possible.

So when I found out the impossible was indeed possible I questioned everything, not trusting my own instinct to know if I'm safe in my environment.

Still drives me crazy, because even today I question everything - even unimportant stupid stuff. It's so aggravating. I leaned I couldn't trust myself to know if/when things are OK or not OK. CSue

Dear KK,

I didn't read all the other threads so this may be redundant.

I definitely know how you feel. We've been in recovery for six years and I still have things that trigger old feelings. Not quite as much as in the past but every now and then it happens. Especially this time of year. This is when husband moved out 7 years ago. I found out about A right around Christmas. A had been going on for years. It was with someone at church so the thing that was a sanctuary before became a bad place for my children and I to dwell because OW and her children went there. I actually found out about it through her children whom I tought in SS. Ouch.

Our marriage is actually better now than it has ever been. I wished I would have found MB years ago though. I think I would have learned some things that would have made recovery easier and quicker.

I've learned that: We have been damaged. There is no time set for healing. Everyone heals differently. I've learned my hurt should not be minimized, but I've also learned to communicate it in a way that is positive and without anger. I've learned that it is important to let your WS know when you are hurting and the things that trigger the hurt because I've learned that he broke you and he needs to play a part in fixing you. I've learned that I am not the only one who goes through these kind of emotions. I've learned that I am not the bad guy for having them. I've learned to stand up for my EN's.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there. Don't punish yourself for bad days. Pick it up and go again. Sometimes things need to surface so that we can deal with them and heal.

MB is a great place to vent.

HBF

CSue,

I can relate to the self doubt.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here's what still causes me problems. Self-doubt. I was one of those BSs who thought there was NO WAY, NO CHANCE that my husband would have an affair. Not possible.

So when I found out the impossible was indeed possible I questioned everything, not trusting my own instinct to know if I'm safe in my environment.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I,too,thought we were A proof.I was not the only one who thought we had one of those M's. My next door neighbors of 10 years and our friends,my best friend,my S,my D,H's best friend and coworker, customers and acquaintances of my business, and anyone who spent any time around us saw what they admired as a wonderful M and R.

The first words out of my mouth when I found out about the FOW was "what did I do to deserve this? How did I fail you?" H was in the early part of the A at that time and and his foggy thinking actually had him come up with some of the lamest words I have heard or even read on this forum.It did not make any sense as to what he was saying. I have learned,through MB and Shirley Glass web site, how the WS and the BS's inability to think clearly or to make sense of any of it at the time.Remorse has been in place and apologies made for the lies,deciet and betrayal but the self doubt sometimes creeps in like a thief to steal the joy from my heart.

I have read and understand all about the why of my H's A. I have read where some BS's have A's after their WS's A and I think it is because of self doubts many times. It only manages to create more problems in the M.I was the one in the years of our M before the A who did not have all of their needs met. I remembered my vows, told myself it was temporary and thought "this too will pass." I never considered an A.


Lor(Lor) wrote this in her post to me. I share it with you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You aren't worthless.
-You have done a beautiful thing in valuing your marriage vows in the face of being wronged.
-In restoring your marriage you exhibit the fruits of the spirit, love, patience, compassion, kindness.
-You are strong and steadfast.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is for you,too,CSue.I am sure you have many wonderful qualities,talents,and a lot of worthwhile attributes that make this world and your M a great place to live. We are not bad or defective, we have had a bad thing happen to us and the ones who chose to do it to us are the defective ones. Our recovery is good and we will continue to grow in ridding ourselves of the doubt. We will achieve that goal with continued work,reading and time. Thank you for caring and working with me. kk

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>