My first weekend for visitation started at 6 P.M. today. My wife earlier told me that she was going to bring my daughters to the house and would come in to inspect the room and car seats (I had to buy new ones) and etc. I told it would be to hard on me and too hard on the girls. She got mad at me and hung up the phone. She then refused to call me back. She shows up 15 minutes late. She starts to come in and I tell her that she needs to leave. She gets mad at me and tells me tough. the girls started crying and so we comforted them. My wife then tells me that she is spening the weekend at our shared title home. That she is not going to allow me to be at home with my girls alone. She even plans to go wherever I might go. I was a little frustrated and confronted her again (another bad LB nite) and asked her why she filed for the divorce after she had her birthday with this man. She had told me that she did not meet him until after. 1st lie. I then asked her if she slept with him. She swore by the name of Jesus that she has not - I believe her. So I asked is this marriage over and she said it is over that she was in hell for 6 1/2 years of marriage. I told her that she needed to go. In the meantime, her mother and step dad show up. Wanting to know if she is ok. I told them it was not that she needed to leave that I could not handle her being here and that she is in contempt of the court. She laughed and said that the Sherrif's office said I could not keep her out. So I walked away. Her parents left and then showed up again. Her step dad thought he would be a man and calls me outside and then lectures me on being instable and psycho that I am going to hurt the girls or my wife. I told him that he did not know anything and asked him why he and his wife has supported my wife and lied to be about her affair - they're good catholics. He said were not hear to talk about this. I continued to get frustrated and then I brought up the fact that Dia used to beat me up when we were first married and he laughed at me and said yeah she could whip your [censored]. I asked him why they won't listen to me and why they only listen to her. He would not answer. I said I had enough and was done talking with him. I walked into the house and he started to step into the house - the girls were crying and my wife was saying take it outside because he still wanted to talk with me. I pushed him gently back and said let's talk outside - his wife called the sherrifs office - who eventually came. This is after her step dad threatened to beat me up - I didnt mention it to the cops but I wanted them gone quickly it was upsetting the girls. I asked cops in - wife said take it outside - took it outside - they asked what was going on - I told them truth - they then asked about the stepdad - and I said he was entering my house and I gently pushed him backwards saying let's take it back outside so the girls wouldn't have to listen. They then talked with my wife - called me back out and warned me of not harming her or the kids (I see where justice is blind) and then he talked with the in-laws. I had alrady apologized to my wife and told her I loved her but I am very frustrated and hurt by her and that her staying was hindering the beginning of the children adjusting to just me. She didn't care. I told her that I am going to love her and that why is Jesus telling me He is going to restore this marriage before the divorce is over? I asked her where her relationship is going to be at. So come monday I will hopefully get my atty until then I am not sure what to do.

I am thinking about a bible study while my wife is here. She will be a captured audience or just having a bunch of christian friends over to hang out. So she will be either forced to socialize or leave.

anyways... I need help. I have never read anything like this on her. I love her. oh I forgot. She put in a latch lock in the girls bedroom so that I could not get in the room.....

Help me... I am dying here... what did I do to her to make her this bitter angry and untrusting? She said all I did was lie to her in our marriag and I cannot figure out where? She seems to think that I have someone else in the picture.....

Can you have someone stay with you like another couple? Check out your options with the police. Because you are a man it will be harder to prove you are the one trying to do things right. Ask for a civil standby when the children are exchanged if you feel she will try to manipulate you. Or you can do the children exchange in front of a neutral party (neighbor, respected older friend, etc.). Let the police know that she is the on having an A. It will help them understand her behavior and know what kind of questions to ask to get to the truth. Also do not enable or protect anyone enabling the A. REalize that your inlaws are not interested in the truth. Blood is thicker than water and right now morals and comments sense.

JHMO,
L.

JoeCM,

I have not following your story and I am not cerri or Orchid ... I only could tell you that police only looking at who is likely to be violent here .... If you want your visitation you better say nothing or react to what they are saying. If you are a policeman walking in and see a frustrated man ... you are the bad guy regardless.

Most likely she has someone in mind ... she has to make you look bad so she could justify her action. Just my 2¢.

What 2 do ?. If you can't stop LB'ng ... plan B her !. Get atty to draft up child custody. You don't need to M or Dv to have share custody/visitation. I would not Dv her ... you can't if you are a christian. Only adultery and abandonment are allowed as ground for Dv.

-rh-

Joe - Somthing is terribly wrong with this picture. It sounds to me like WW is trying to set you up as either a child molester or violent toward your children. Watch out. It is just too strange that she won't let you be alone with them, and put latch on their door. Is there anything in your history that would make WW afraid to leave girls alone with you? To me this situation is very scary. Get some counseling quickly so that you can protect yourself. Also let the court know how the visitation went. If she is making her feelings up because of her affair with OM, you are in a dangerous position. She will drive you crazy and then complain to everyone how crazy you are. Get some counseling right away.

Joe, This is a terribly yucky weekend for you. I've had something similar happen to me, and I never did get an explanation of why it happened. It ended very very quickly. In the end, I believe it had to do with the custody fight that my WP and I were in. It had nothing to do with my actions and whether I was safe around my daughter.

My first, and strongest, suggestions are these:

- CALM DOWN. No matter how frustrated, angry, hurt, or annoyed you are, DO NOT SHOW IT. Keep your mouth shut at all costs, even at the cost of putting the kids in the car and going for a drive. No matter what you say, it will be used against you.

- GET YOUR IN-LAWS OUT OF THE PICTURE. This is not their business no matter how much they think it is. The more they interfere, the worse it will be.

- If you can, just get in the car with your daughters and go somewhere else for the weekend. Your wife is certainly welcome to stay the weekend in the house you own together. But that doesn't give her the right to spend the weekend with your parents, say, or your sibling and your sibling's spouse. Make the arrangements ahead of time and make it completely certain that wherever you go, your wife will NOT be allowed to enter the place where you and your daughters spend your time.

- Talk to Cerri REAL SOON. She's not around on weekends, but try to get to her as soon as you possibly can.

- Take Pepp's advice about gathering evidence. Get all that stuff in place quickly, and keep it there all the time.

- If you need a lawyer and you're in the DC area, I know a really good one.

fathers rights inc

and one more

mens defense org

Just some friendly links to get you started.

Pep

Joe, how did the rest of the weekend go? Have you started to research and gather evidence? Have you found a lawyer or talked to Penny yet?

Here it is on monday and I can hardly think. My heart is so busted inside that I am down so low that the only one who can pull me out is my sweet Jesus.

The weekend went semi-ok. I did become a little ascertive with her in asking her questions about why she wants the divorce and etc. She finally gave me some answers - she used things I put in my letters which I am sure will come up against me. I do know that no matter what happens I will be granted visitation with my girls after the Divorce if she puts it through.

She basically denies that I am a christian so therefore she can justify the believing wife leaving the husband. Even though the husband still wants the marriage. She said because she is not making out with this guy that it is ok to hug and kiss him even in front of the girls. I told her that he is married and she is married and that they cannot justify this in the eyes of the lord or in my eyes. She did say that she believes she cannot trust me now and that if I let her move back and I move out of the house she will stop the divorce and work on the marriage. I let her know as she left sunday morning (I took my girls to church) to go shopping that she has told me that the marriage is over and that she does not know if she ever loved me. She wanted kids and I was there. So I told her that all her negative comments about not wanting to be together and then coupled with the I will cancel the divorce and we can work on the marriage does not add up. I told her when she really knows what she wants then we can talk.

I plan to keep in Plan A with a I will only talk about the children which is what she told me. Of course she never means it.

If you are a christian out there. I beg you to pray for God to let me know what His will is in this situation. I do not know if I should fight anymore - I am so scared and doubtful. She has me thinking that I don't believe that Jesus paid for my sins. She has me believing that I am a big liar and that my life is not true! That I don't love her I only want what others want. She gets into my head so easily.

I know she is in a fog and not to believe what she says but she seems to not want me at all and then she says things that seem like she does. Yet the key I guess is she refuses counseling.

I have been going to counseling. There is nothing in my past or present that could make her believe that I would do anything to my children. She is trying to blame the medical prescribed medication that I take at night as the reason. I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and I did have some hallucinations and sleep walking incidents where I would end up in our restroom. Never went out of our room. But right now she acts like she does...is this guilt?

Anyways....I am so defeated...and down....I do not work so I am at home so much it is depressing. I even started watching movies again which I chose to give up.....

Joe, take care of yourself. Starting reading the flylady.net stuff; she'll teach you how to survive and get things done even with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia.

And again, don't LB your wife. Don't get "assertive." Don't fight, no matter how much you want to. (There's a difference between fighting and saying things calmly, courteously, and respectfully!) If you want to know the answer to something, ask the question, but don't demand an answer.

It's very very hard to do that.

It's even harder to really listen, REALLY listen, to the answers. So very hard. But that's the way to proceed here. Here's something that I read recently that might be of help to you: Your conflicts aren't between you and the other person. They're between you and God.

By which is meant this: If you are angry or hurt, then you are forgetting that you're at one with God. Because if you were one with God, then what on this earth could possibly hurt you? Nothing! Nothing at all.

So remember that no matter what your wife does or says, YOU are safe with God. And so there is no reason to be hurt or angry or upset. If you do get hurt or angry or upset, then it's time to leave the situation and spend time reconnecting with God. Not to take away your hurt, but because when you're with God, you CAN'T be hurt.

Good luck to you, Joe. Find peace and serenity in this painful, difficult time.

Joe - You are coming against evil and it will be a real battle. How dare your wife say ANYTHING about God while she is continuing her awful behavior. Don't let her get to you. I would not talk about anything except the children. She is all fogged out and trying to justify her own selfish behavior. Continue to cling to the Lord and do what is right. He will get you through this.

Joe - If you have ask Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal Lord and Savior, rest assured you are a saved Christian. It has nothing to do with a certain church, man-made rituals, or your good works. You are saved by grace. I would encourage you to seek the Word, strong support groups (men's ministry, marriage group, etc.), and family.

She can try to justify her actions by Scripture but it can't be done. I seriously doubt the validity of her "walk" with the Lord. That's between her and God, though. You can only concentrate on changing yourself. Treat her with kindness but draw firm boundaries as needed.

Joe, check out the Promise Keepers official website, or Focus on the Family. They will get you some materials to reinforce your faith and role as a H. Be strong and know that I am praying for you.

John 16:33.

I'm sometimes amazed that I'm on the "same side" as folks who like Focus on the Family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (Which, for those who don't know, is bound and determined to keep "my kind" from forming stable families and to keep the children in those families from being protected. But that's another debate in its entirety, and in this, anyway, hPK and I -are- on the same side. And I'm proud to stand on your side, hPK. Hope that doesn't make you too nervous! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )


ANYWAY. Here's what I really came to post. Joe, you might want to meditate on this when you're angry. Think about it HARD. If all this is true, then there is no reason to be angry or hurt. None at all.

27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

27:2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

27:3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

27:4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to
behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.

27:5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon
a rock.

27:6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy;
I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the LORD.

27:7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

27:8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek.

27:9 Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my
salvation.

27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.

27:11 Teach me thy way, O LORD, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

27:12 Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

27:13 I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.

27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

Oh my brother and sisters. How right you are. I know what I am to do but I do not do that which I know to do but that which I shouldn't do.

Today, the Lord has been working on my heart and I am afraid to type this for everyone to read but He has not given us a spirit of fear but of love and power and a sound mind.

My wife thinks I am crazy and coming unglued. That I am going to have a nervous breakdown. What she cannot see is that she has and is walking in the roots of that deception. Enough said here.

What I am scared to say is this? Once a long time ago when I was at Bible College the Lord showed me the path He wanted me to walk. He gave me a vision and I was afraid that He would choose to use me that way. Do you believe in the gifts of the spirit? He wants to use me mightily with the gifts and I am afraid to yield to that. To that calling and vision He put on my heart. I think that the disaster in my marriage stems from me not taking a step of faith and turning myself fully over to Him. He is calling me again - He is restoring my heart for ministry and planting a church - He is trying to make me totally surrender even to this. I was afraid before and when I got married I became even more afraid for the affects on my family. I ran away and used a sin from before my marriage to keep me from facing the choice. Am I crazy? How many want to tell me anything now? I no He has said Let not your heart be troubled and do not be afraid (John) and yet I am scared to make that step. Does this mean if I take it my marriage will be restored? No. It means my love for Him would become complete. My focus on Him will again be that which directs and focuses my life. I love my wife but if I cannot love Him above everything else then I will continually look at my pain and not count it as joy but count it as shame. Do you understand what I am saying? I am sorry cerri that I have posted your name wrong - I just noticed but I don't know how to change it.

I did LB but I asked the questions and did not force feed her the answers.

My spirit wars and it is found wanting.....my sadness in this is complete. I know the weapons of warfare yet I am scared to commit to the path He wants..... can anyone relate? Do you think me crazy? My wife has no idea about this. I am afraid to tell her, in fact, I will only talk with her if she calls me or when we are arranging pickup times for the girls.

joe

bump...

cerri -- are you out there?

Cerri doesn't post on weekends, Joe, and most commonly she reads JFO rather than GQII. You might want to post a note over there with a link to this thread.

I'm not religious enough to figure out what you're saying, Joe, about what God wants you to do, though I got the part about your being afraid of it. Could you put it in plainer English for me?

Oh, and have you gone to a doctor to get anti-depressants and a thorough check-up? This is a very stressful time for you, and God put doctors on this earth to give Him a hand in taking care of the folks who need some help.

I am already on some for fibromyalgia just not at a regular dose for depression.

My praise report for today is that my court date for tomorrow got rescheduled till March 11 because my WW attorney thought that we were trying to get back together. It turns out that my wife keeps telling me that she is calling her atty which seems to not be the case....

Also, I got my girls today even though she was objecting to it and they are currently asleep like little lambs. It was an awesome B-Day night for my youngest....I love then so much. The older one though started crying again and asking me questions......she wants to know why everyone doesn't like me. I really did not know what to say....

i could use some advice on not dragging my kids into this.

Joe, you don't drag your kids into it by simply not doing it.

Example:

DD: Daddy, why doesn't everybody like you?

JoeCM: well, sometimes people get angry with each other and it takes a while for them to remember that they like each other. So, honey, tell me about what you and your friend Janey are doing lately. Are you still working on that doll tea party?