<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Darn you WMWB .. solon don't feel bad he pulls the " children " card on me all the time .. LOL

Seriously though WMWB is right, you need to stop subjecting yourself to that sort of pain .. I had a huge blow out with my wife yesterday because she had borrowed a camera from OM to take pics of my children.. It was very irrational and I don't even know why I did it .. I was doing her a favor and she threw it in my face .. or at least that is how it felt.

I need to stop going over to her house .. that way I don't see the foot prints from my wifes house to his .. and viceversa .. that way I can't see the christmas presents she bought him , instead of me .. that way I can't see the things she has borrowed from him .. hmm I think I'm depressing myself .. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> oh well .. hang in there solon and for goodness sake stop going over by OM work .. it will do no good.

Gentlemen, I have to say that reading your stories and thinking of my own situation with my WW has got me shaking with disbelief.

I find it hard to image a married person behaving the way these women are behaving. I can't fathom doing these things to my spouse.

At my worst I might divorce my spouse and then run off with some flashy, trashy gal. But, only after the divorce. The idea of living with another woman, having sex with another woman and buying gifts for another woman while married to my wife is totally repugnant to me.

How in the world do these women justify it?

These women!!! Grrrr how can they do this at this time of year???

Will the new year bring some reflection about the past year? I wonder what their new years resolutions will be?

And these OM? What losers...But for some reason these women have seen something in them, and mostly it's fantasy. They are looking for "It's a Wonderful LIfe". And life just ain't like that.

So what can you do about it? You can make the OM look worse by being the best H you can be. Not Plan A, but definitely NOT Plan LB. With the limited contact you have with the WS it's very important to come across as the VERY loving H left at home. If you LB then it makes the OM (and the fantasy) seem that much better.

So how do you keep from LBing in Plan B (when it feels like big time rejection all over the place). Prepare a script for those moments when you are surprised by contact that begins with "I love you" and goes on to explain...briefly...why you are dark...and a brief reiteration of the rules. There may come a time you may need to lead a path back home. Something like "when the A has ended and there is n/c with the OM then I'd love to see you and hold you."

Take this time to take stock in the limited contact you've had with WW, and how many of the past 5 were LB's (even same words just said in a harsh tone)?

Don't give the OM anymore power...

It is amazing to me how I can be fine one day and the next day a raging lunatic. I LB'd yesterday. She told my son that she was coming over for Xmas (she changed her plans without letting me know. Instead of spending the night Xmas eve. and waking up with the kids in the morning, she is going to come over Xmas morning and spend the night on Xmas.) She then told him that she was not going to bring all of their gifts so they could open some on next Monday when they come over her house. I broke the Plan B for that (ugh!). I took the phone from him and said that she should bring all of their gifts over on Xmas instead of having them open up gifts 5 days later. I told her that I was picking them up on Monday. Then, oh my!, then she said, "Who do you think you are that you could just pick up the kids whenever you feel like it?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So I laid into her...big time. I told her how we have a family and a home, and just because she has decided to step out of the family circle does not mean that the family does not exist. I told her that it still exists it's just that she has chosen not to be a part of it and because of that I am not going to accommodate her lifestyle away from home. I told her she was not a mother, but a nanny; someone who picks up the children three times a week for me when I can't.

I went on and on and I feel badly about it now. It also irritated me that she just invites herself over whenever she wants and I haven't even seen the inside of her place. So I sent her an email simply apologizing for lashing out in anger. Anyway, after Xmas, I'm telling you all today, there will be NO MORE CONTACT, period. At all. You won't see me posting any more how I slipped up and contacted her. That is the only way I could heal from this thing, NO MORE CONTACT. And going into the new year, hey, that's my new year's resolution; NO MORE CONTACT.
No more contact!

Good morning all.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I simply don’t care any longer. The WW spent the night over at OM’s house last night. He lives 2 doors down from me. I came home around 10:00 pm last night and her car was in his driveway. I went to bed around 12:30 and all his lights were off and her car was still there. For the first time since this all started… it didn’t send a shot thru my heart, no twinge in the pit of my stomach… nothing. All I thought was “…they deserve each other.”

I really think I’m coming to the end of my rope. I am just so tired of all this and I struggle to figure out why on earth I’d ever want a woman like this back..?!?!? I can’t figure out why I’m doing this. Even the sight of my kids is having less of an effect. My 2 yo tells me he doesn’t want mommy to be part of our family anymore. I wonder if it would just be better to end this and just move on. Bring some closure to all of this for everyone involved and just get on with life.

Maybe it is just my taker talking, but I have this overriding attitude that I deserve better than this. That she isn’t worth this any more. I don’t know.

Solon, I feel for you. I’ve been there. Plan B is really tough, but if I had it to do over… I’d be dark from the start and just make myself unavailable to her…period. I know that I can’t even talk to her or I’ll be either dragged into a fight or find myself being nasty to her. Even right now… as I’m typing this… she has called me at work twice. Both times I just hung up on her. I don’t even want to hear the sound of her lying, cheating voice anymore. She makes me sick to my stomach.

You know, WMWB, all this is hard, for all of us, having a wife who willingly chooses to give their bodies, their time, their love to another man is the most painful situation to live throuwh. But having it happen two doors down from you...I think you have displayed more patience, more tolerance, more love than most of the people here on this site. Here I am talking about throwing in the towel and Friday was the first day I saw the guy, and I'm not 100% convinced that they are still together. But you live it. I figure if you can wait for your wife, the least I can do is wait for mine. You're an inspiration to many of us BSs.

But what I don't get with your situation is why your wife continues to call you. That does not make any sense to me. She is having an affair, she is married to you, obviously it is hurting you, why call? My wife calls me seldomly. If I were to hang up on her, that would be it. She probably will never call again. Something is different with your situation. You call people for a reason and if you are not cordial with that person you only call if you absolutely have to. But with you, it seems like she calls at will.

I don't know, I see what you are saying. Giving up is just as hard as staying in it. I have really had it with my wife and I'm just letting each day be as it is; I'm not making any promises about anything.

Auto - You have no Idea as to what "these" woman can and will do .. it amazes me everyday .. And the really sad part is .. If my wife came to me today and wanted to fix things I still would in a heart beat. Even though I have written her off a thousand times. Because that is how much I love her and wanted her in my life .. and WMWB .. You are the same way and you know it! I'm sorry you are feeling down ..

Solon-

As WMWB and I have said before our situations are almost the same.. MY WW's other man lives RIGHT next door. I lived with my WW for four months in plan A while she was still going over two his house while I was at work .. knowing full well I knew what she was doing .. and taking my children with her.

She still calls to see if she can sit on the fence. She still has feelings for him and wants to see how far she can push his buttons .. To see if he'll still react to her. TO see if he still cares. IMHO, I say that only because that is what is seems like to me with my wife. She tells me all the time she misses me and still loves me .. but it doesn't stop her from going over to OM's now does it? It hasn't made her stop the divorce hearing ...

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

Sorry everyone if I seem "short" today .. bad night topped with the flu all night.

I just wanted to chime in here and express my similar feelings.

I have read through this entire "discussion" you folks have been having, and I see so much of it in my M, my thoughts, my feelings, and the actions of my WW. Sure, my situation is a bit different in that the OM lives about 1000 miles away, and they've only spent one weekend together in person.

But the fact that my wife left me because I would no accept that relationship, that she shows no interest whatsoever in me or my life, that she continues to put all of her time and energy and feelings into her affair, that her only gift-giving this holiday season is to ship OM multiple gifts of who knows what.....

If my wife came to me today and told me that she would end all contact with him, taking whatever measures we feel would be necessary to ensure the NC agreement (selling her computer and quitting her job would probably have to happen, just because she has most of her communication with OM through her email at work), and would be willing to attend MC with me, I'd take her back in a heartbeat.

But it is so ******* painful to see my spouse give everything to someone else, and nothing to me.

Oh, and as for me and Plan B, I doubt it'd make any difference. Knowing my WW as I do, if I tried to "Plan B her", she'd never look back. Knowing her as I do, Plan B would be the same as already being divorced.

Anyway, I just wanted to jump into your discussion here, because you seem to be experiencing very much the same feelings that I am.

UN - Sounds like it ... My PLan B was forced by her and the courts .. I was forced to move out of my home by Dec. 4th so .. here I am. Me being out of the home has allowed her to be with him whenever and has also put distance and space between us working out things.. so I am pretty much in the same boat.. I know that the plan B is actually a closer step to being divorced .. so I am using it to " fix " myself emotionally.. I do love my wife and really do still want to fix my marriage, I just do not see it happening anymore.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost&Confussed:
<strong> so I am using it to " fix " myself emotionally.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's the number one key here, and it's something I have to remind myself of constantly.

There's something else I wanted to say, and maybe you'll all think I'm crazy, but here goes.

So much of the time, I just feel hopeless, in everything. Again, parts of my situation are different. For example, both kids are hers from other relationships. So I'm losing/have lost them as well, at least to some degree. But so often, everything just feels hopeless. Like there's nothing worth even trying for anymore. Like I don't even care if I "fix" myself, because I may still find myself alone. I'm finding it so hard to even grab onto any little hope. Is there anything that any of you have found that helps you see beyond the pain of today and gives you some positive happy thoughts?

Yea, I've got other issues too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

But, it's yet another roadblock that I'm finding in my ability to deal with this whole mess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hey UN, how are ya doing?

I think all of us on this thread pretty much feel the same way about our WW and plan B. Like, it would only be giving them what they want and it just gives her more comfort inthat she will no longer have me (us) breathing down their throats about who they are with , where they are going, ect...

But, what else do you have to loose? I she doesn't care about you or your life any longer, what do you have to loose? I kind of took the attitude that it was fine if she didn't want me around any more... but she wasn't going to have me making her life any more comfortable while this was going on. I cut her off financially, emotionally, I changed the locks on the house, I don't let her in, I don't talk to her on the phone... nothing (well, I try to keep it at nothing, but I slip at times). If she really wants a divorce, give it to her... in the sense that you are no longer available to her.

Also, I think I'd talk to an attorney to see what you can do about visitation of those kids. You've pretty much been their father since '99, right? A family court may not look so kindly on her playing games with their family lives like this... just a thought.

I fully understand how you feel about everything being hopeless. Are you on any anti-delressants at all? If not, DO IT!!! I'm not big on pills for anything, but I would be a wreck...as in homicidal and or suicidal... if I wasn't on some sort of anti-depressants. Ok, I may be exagerating a little, but you get my drift. Also, how much sleep are you getting? Try some over the counter sleeping pills, sleep helps more than you can imaginge!!! Finally, exercise, take a class to learn something new, find a new hobby (I know, all easier said than done). You see, like it or not, this is out of your hands. If you've done plan A, and are now in plan B...or should be as it sounds... it is out of your hands. It is in Gods hands and in her hands. So, detach and get on with life a little. You see, with or without her... life does go on. You will make it thru this and will end up a stronger person for it. So, work on you... it is tough and it's something you need to ease into... but what else have you got to do at this point?

I'm a little up in the air on the dating thing... I know the strict MB philosiphy is STAY AWAY FROM THE OPPOSITE SEX!!! But I'm just getting so tired of being alone. I'm not talking about sex or anything inappropriate... i am still married, but I just feel like getting out and doing stuff again. I've had some offers but haven't really taken any of them too seriously. ButI am thinking about it.

What do you guys think?

UN, I can only speak for myself, but many, many times I feel the same way, hopeless and bleak. In speaking with my wife yesterday she accused me once again of being "crazy" and saying that is why she left because I am "crazy". And I had to say, "wait a minute...you are my WIFE and for this entire year you have been sleeping with another man. You have moved out and have left me to raise the children on my own. Of course I'm acting crazy. THIS is crazy. Who wouldn't be acting crazy?".

These feelings you have and the rest of us, they are normal feelings. We are sitting back and watching the love of our lives give their love to someone else. I don't know about you all, but there is NOTHING that can be more painful that this. Nothing.

I do find a little consolation in you all; knowing that I am not alone in all of this. So thank you all for that. I also know that this pain will not go on like this forever. It will end. I will not hurt like this forever. In February when I discovered all of this, wew! that was bad. Now, it pains to the core still, but it is not as bad. So I know things get better.

L&C...I feel for you. Yours and WMWB is a horrible, horrible, horrible situation. If either of you has your marriage restored I think they should have a new section on this site detailing your stories. I honestly feel it can get no worse than yours. I feel for you and I hope and pray that something gives, anything. I can only imagine the pain of having to live through that, up close and personal.

As for me, each day I let go a little. The kids are with me and I do all that I can to ensure they are happy, and they are, they are growing accustomed to their mother not being there. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, with or without her. It hurts to think of her not there, but I see it being manageable (before I could not). A new year is coming upon us, let's make the most of this new year. Let us fight this thing and win in 2004! If our wives come back and decide to love us, then so be it. If not, we will shoulder up the pain and move on and be happy anyway; very happy. We can't allow what our wives are doing to cloud the other GOOD things in our lives.

I think it is time for some Pizza! What time do you want me to be there? We'll get a pizza and a beer for you and sit and talk .. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> you said it's what two hours away?

Solon - UN -

Both my wife and WMWB have accused us of being Crazy ... LOL who knows maybe I am ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just Kidding - actually mine said that because of the way I found out about her affair

<small>[ December 22, 2003, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm not talking about sex or anything inappropriate... i am still married, but I just feel like getting out and doing stuff again. I've had some offers but haven't really taken any of them too seriously. ButI am thinking about it.

What do you guys think?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's kind of a tough one. I certainly don't see anything wrong with getting out and doing stuff, having fun, having a "real life", instead of sitting around waiting on the WW. However...

For your own peace of mind, to make sure that you can still feel good about who you are and where you've been, I would be VERY careful about any kind of socializing with the opposite sex.
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it's just the two of you, I'd say no.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If it's a group that includes woman, I'd say it depends on your intentions and actions.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you join in on something, drinks after work for example, and do sowith the intent of just having fun with a group of people, and have no interest or desire to even consider anything romantic with another woman, it could be okay.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If, however, there is ANY thoughts of meeting someone else, or of having another woman show you some of the affaection that you've been missing for so long, then I'd say you need to stay away from it.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I'm sure you'd feel bad about yourself for a LONG time if you allowed yourself to cross that line before it was time.

Ok... This morning it bothered me.

I just happened to be leaving my driveway this morning at the same moment that the OM was leaving his. We (the kids and I) basically followed him from his door to my WW's door. The kids watched her jump out of his truck and everything. She just strolled up to my truck smiling, smugly saying: "...wow, you sure are up early" and basically taking the attitude that she has done nothing wrong. She gave the kids each a great big bear hug... which just about made me sick. I couldn't stomach the thought of her touching my kids after being with him...

She is just so smug and cocky... I don't feel sad by any of this, it just made me sooo angry. The f-ing coward OM basically pulled away the instant her feet hit the ground... what a p*ssy!!! He seems nearly afraid of his own shadow, which is funny because he put on this "tough guy" front all summer long. I just wants to make this guy's life a living hell from now on. I want to go to his folks, employer, family, friends, her family and friends, everyone in the nieghborhood, everyone in town... I want to put up billboards for crying out loud!!!!

It just seems that aside from my immeadiate family and this site, nobody thinks any of this is wrong!!!! She just goes on like this is all ok!!! I just want to slap her silly!!!

I think after the New Year I'm just going to move forward with the D, I've just had it... I can't even imagine turning this thing around anymore... I can't imagine ever wanting her back. I'm just done, I want to move on with life.

L&C... yup, it is exactly 2 hours, and the best pizza in town <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I don't have the kids this weekend, so let me know if you want to get together.

UN... I agree with you, I guess I'm just looking for something to lessen the pain, a distraction of sorts. I would hate to lead anyone on or accidentally develope feelings for anyone. I'm just so tired of being alone... late at night is teh worst for me. I have this huge... and now empty bed. I just can't seem to get comfortable in it since this all started.

<small>[ December 23, 2003, 07:06 AM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back??? ]</small>

just wanted to drop a little nugget in.

the last thing any of you guys needs to do is go on a date. you are, as someone mentioned, still married. so until you are not married, deal with not having your emotional needs met by a woman. have a poker night or boys night out once a week instead.

on that note, you've also mentioned that you need to go out and do stuff. by all means, get off the idiot box of the new millennium and go enjoy as much of your lives as you can. it's important for several reasons:

1. it keeps your mind and body active. which helps your seratonin levels, which helps elevate your mood, which helps you naturally abate depression. plus, if you can take a break from thinking about how devastating all of this is, even if it's just for a few hours, it's a good thing.
2. it will make your wives wonder what you're up to. and they WILL wonder whether you think they will or not.

other things to try:

1. join a gym and go.
2. get a new haircut.
3. update your wardrobe.
4. change jobs.
5. do something new and special with your kids.
6. take a class.

choose stuff that might be outside your comfort zones and give them a try. choose stuff that will make you feel good about yourselves. choose stuff that builds your confidence. you need it ... especially around the holidays.

best of luck to you's all.

have a happy holiday season!

OK didn't that feel like the first week we were here. ... LOL

Whipit I went and read your story or some of it .. are things still working out for you ? I'm glad if they are .. I agree with alot of what you said and we have tried alot of those things .. we are just venting mostly ... all of us Love our wives and hope they come back .. but it is getting to the point of .. no return for a couple of us ..

I don't... i think my WW's account is closing in the ole love bank. I;m really starting to have feelings of hate for this woman. The very sound of her voice or thought of her sends a shiver of rage down my spine.

I just don't think this is going to make it back, I just don't think I want her back.

and what do you think your children would want? I know how you feel .. I'm right there with you on this .. but .. deep down what do you really feel? I mean past the anger and hurt .. if your wife was standing right in front of you . what would you say to her? Truthfully !