Just got an email from wife asking me about the health insurance. She pretty much mentioned that I could go ahead and drop her name off because open enrollment is taking place at her job.

(sigh) ah, well. I guess this means it's pretty much over.

I don't know why I'm bothered now...she had said to me that it was over, she does not love me, and we will never be together again. This is just validating what she has said all along.

Believe amlost nothing of what a wayward spouse says and less than half of what you see. They will pseak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.... divorce busting 180 #32.

Your wife and mine have no idea what they want. My wife said the same thing about the health insurance. I was tempted to remove her as it would save me about $200 a month. But I was heavily advised to leave her on because it can cause problems for recovery.

Has your wife filed for divorce? If not, what do you have to lose by breaking contact and just waiting? You mentioned (on my thread) that you are not in plan B, what plan are you in? Sounds like it might be a good time to move to plan B. I told my WW that the only thing I was willing to talk to her about was issues immeadiatly pertaining to the kids, that was it. Other than that, we have nothing to talk about.

I'm not sure if my marriage can be saved or not, but I have nothing to lose by just letting time do it's thing. Until she files for D or wants to come home... i do nothing. Works for me.

You and your wife are in my prayers.

I am losing strength and I just want my life back....it will be three years in July and I am gearing up to move on.

You can still have hope. Pray and pray some more.

Ihave to go, but I will write more later.

nmw

I guess I took our playing in the snow together as the fog beginning to lift and her wanting to come home. We wrestled in the snow and that has been the first time I've touched her since early July. This email took the wind out of me.

I guess a Plan B is what needs to happen. I will do this after the holidays. My children are ecstatic about her coming over to spend the night Xmas eve. I would not prevent that at all. I will be as sweet to her as I can possibly be for this month, then in January...Plan B her.

solon:

Spending Christmas with your W for the kids is a good plan if you can do so without LBing or hurting yourself further. It's a "remote plan A" thing, and it can be done, but it's not easy. Since you're still in plan A, definitely don't take her off your insurance. If talking 2 her about it hurts, then don't talk 2 her about it, just don't remove her.

Plant as many LUs in her LB as she will allow on Christmas and without applying undue pressure (so as not 2 get a negative reaction from her), then consider plan B after that.

-ol' 2long

Come up with A PLAN for the Xmas Holidays. Focus on the ENs that created the climate for the affair. Read His Needs Her Needs for info. A good Plan A is essential.

While they are in the fog, all that talk about getting off the insurance, etc. is just their way of justifying the A. If you want your marriage, ignore the FOG TALK! I repeat, ignore the FOG TALK!

Believe in MARRIAGE!!!!

For some excellent advice, go to my new thread and find WORTHATRY's post. Click on WAT's guidelines. These helped me a lot when I was in your exact same position last year. My FWH is now home and in love with me. Don't give up now. This has just started for you unfortunately. Be ready for the fight. You are in a war as Mortarman would say.

Thanks for the advice and the encouragement.
I know everyone has bad days/low days. It just seems that she does not have any. And it seems that if she does, he's taking care of them.

But you know what is weird about all of this. I don't think they spend that much time together. And she is so pressed for no one to know, she is really like his whore. I'm sure he just comes over there to do his thing, maybe they go out on Sat. nights, but other than that...

I know she feels guilty because she has stopped going to church.

solon:

She probably doesn't have bad days... ...yet. But for her 2 really feel badly, she's got 2 have her bubble burst.

Starting with her desire 2 keep the A a secret. Why is it still?

Blow it wide open.

-2long

Solon,

Try to focus on yourself. I know how hard that is. However, you really can't know what they are doing or how she's really feeling.

Read those WAT's GUIDELINES, PLEASE.

Mimi, I'm trying to find that piece, but I cannot. Where is the thread that you started?

solon:

If it's WAT's guidelines you're referring 2 that you can't find, here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000940

2dles,
-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
Blow it wide open.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">indeed.

Solon,
Hang in there. Don't give up yet.

My exH's name is still on many of my loan papers, household utilities, etc. He knows he's on there too. These things are symbolic, and I won't remove him even though we've been divorced over a year.

He was even on our home loan papers still, until I refinanced a few months ago.

Keep her on your insurance if you can. Let her know you love her, continue Plan A.

She will soon see the emptiness of her affair, and the emptiness will begin to multiply exponentially with each passing week. The nicer you are to her, the more they'll fight and she'll see the futility of their 'relationship'.

My A with ExOM now seems like a bad dream. I never think of him at all now. It's like a part of me that never existed. It was like being on drugs, the pull it had- but it soured very quickly once it soured.

Someday she most likely will feel that way too. She'll wake up, and see what she's lost. The nicer you are, the more she'll see what she's lost.

Just my take,
HP

Thanks HP,

You know I value your take, I value everyone's advice here so much, I really do, but HP was where my wife is now so hearing her take is almost like being in her head.

I am going to send her an email telling her that I will keep her on my insurance because I love her. That will be it, sweet and simple.

Um...wait a minute. What if I send her that email and she tells me, "Oh, well if that's the case please take me off. I'm getting my own insurance."

I think that will send me to the psych ward...or the morgue.

Solon:

Stick with YOUR PLAN. Do not listen to anything she says or consider anything she writes. You have to remain in control of yourself. You are not going to the psycho ward or morgue. You have to take care of yourself to be there when your wife comes back as she probably will. It's important for you to try to remain strong. She will find that attractive.

Even if she is crazy enough now to get her own insurance, which she might be in the fog, you don' have to take her off of yours.

She wants you to LB now in order to justify remaining in the A. You are the one in control, SOLON. She is under the influence of a drug, the A addiction.

Stay Strong! Believe in MARRIAGE!

also, i don't recommend sending her an email telling her that you're keeping her on the insurance because you love her.

just demonstrate it by keeping her on your plan; nothing more, nothing less.

telling her about how great you are appears desperate -- like a bad salesperson about to lose the big account. good salespeople never panic in front of the customer nor do they appear desperate.

whether you believe it or not, what you are engaged in is a sales job. people buy because they trust the seller and they buy from people who are confident.

I didn't. Thanks for the advice.