I am wondering if anybody has come across any studies or statistics on wayward spouses and 2nd affairs. It seems reasonable to me that once a person has knocked down the boundries that prevent an A, it will be easier to do so a 2nd time. But, I would like something more than my gut feelings to go on.

I don't have any stats, but I can share w/ you that my WH was a WH in his first marriage. When we met (long after he was divorced), he admitted that he had made a mistake in his 1st M by having an A. He said that she wasn't giving him enough sex.

Oddly enough he is saying those very same words about me today. If I had known that he was damaged goods and that he would someday repeat the pattern when things got rough, I never would have married him.

And now he is justifying why he is STILL having affairs. You know... he's lonely, we're seperated, I'm not woman enough, I was frigid, etc...

I guess a leopard can't change his spots. It's sad really b/c these WS's are troubled. They could live a much more fulfilling life if they put forth a genuine effort in their relationships.

Well, here is another example.......my wifes EX cheated on his first wife.....multiple times. He cheated on my wife.......multiple times, is remarried and will more than likely cheat on his third wife.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His explanation to me was that he married too young, didn't think he really loved his wife, she was too controlling, and he felt he had made a mistake getting married almost immediately. He never felt any compassion for her when she found out about the A -- he was just glad to get out of the marriage.

He has since had three affairs during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. I definitely think each affair was easier for him. He didn't see anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA. He perfected his lying and deception skills, his ability to compartmentalize and detach from me and our sons, and created justifications in his mind for his behavior. He even used our teenaged son as an excuse to meet with OW#2 for sex on three separate occasions. No, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand while they were at her house to fix her pool.

I thought when I married my H that the A he had in his first marriage didn't matter -- he loved ME and wouldn't do that to ME. I now know that this is who he is -- the As are not "out of character" for him -- he is a serial adulterer.

Not once before or during these As did he say he was unhappy in our marriage. Not once did he complain about any ENs not filled. Not once did he give me any reason not to trust him. He was cold and clever and could look me in the eye and lie. He is a professional.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being filled. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being filled. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is.

Toofargone... I too was dealing with a consummate pro. W had one affair shortly before our wedding, an 8-month one that started about 6 weeks after we swore our vows, and another in 2000. I was blissfully ignorant of all of this, until she finally confessed to everything in August. (Or at least, I THINK it's everything -- for all I know there were many others, a few ONS, whatever. Doesn't matter now -- we're divorcing.)

My only hint that she might do this sort of thing was in 2001. I was on the computer and found some history links to philanderers.com and some evidence that she'd sent out some emails using a fake name. I challenged her on this. I asked her to look me in the eye and tell me if she'd ever been unfaithful to me. She looked me in the eye and lied.

She, too, has told me that she created "justifications" in her own mind (she was miserable before we got married but went ahead with it anyway). She's also told me that she knew at the time that what she was doing was wrong. I'm sorry, but if she supposedly felt guilty but KEPT DOING IT ANYWAY, that to me is the clearest indication that she's just a serial cheat.

And, similarly, I had no indication that she was either completely miserable or deceiving me. I'd always assured her that she never had to worry about me cheating, and I never did. I, too, believed she'd never do that to me. Especially a matter of weeks after swearing vows to me that were supposed to have bound her soul.

There were a lot of things in our marriage that she was unhappy with and never told me about. Similarly, I think the affairs were just part of who she is, and that she may not be capable of fidelity or honesty. I hope, for her sake, that I'm wrong.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being filled. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being filled. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being met. Not once did he give me any reason not to trust him. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being met. Not once did he give me any reason not to trust him. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is.

I think it depends on the person and many WS's would never have another A.

My H told me that he had two A's during his first M...one lasted for 10 years. Of course, his exW did not communicate, give enough SF, controlled all the finances even though she didn't work, etc., etc., etc. I thought at the time, "WOW he's so honest telling me about these two A's". I thought that I was IT for him especially since he admitted the two A's to me. He would never do that to me.

Well, guess what, 6 years (3 married) later, he has already had two A's in our M. The last A was with one of the same OW's from his first M.

Since marrying H, I've learned that he is an alcoholic, serial cheater and liar and has never been anything else but that. Statistics probably would show that my H will do it again, however, I don't think he will.

In his first M, his kids and W suspected A's but never confronted him. exW appeared happy not having to deal with SF and unconcerned about the A's. H never had to live with the consequences of dealing with the devastation and aftermath of an A since he was never confronted. Never had to explain, be held accountable, move away from home, etc.

He got caught this time and I did not let him off the hook. I set certain boundaries for us to go into MC, one of them being he must go into IC and learn reasons for his addictions.

H is doing good and going to AA (3 - 4 X's per week) and IC (once per week). When he realized that this wasn't going to be swept under the rug he decided he needed to change. AA and IC have made him realize how selfish and dishonest he's been for several years. He just told me again last night that he never wants to go back and be that person again.

He still has a lot of hard work ahead of him in IC due to childhood issues, but I think his pattern for having A's has been broken. Either way, boundaries have been established in our M and he will not get another chance.

SSS

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being met. Not once did he give me any reason not to trust him. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is -- he is a serial adulterer.

I too, have no statistics but my own. My WH had an affair that ended his first marriage. His excuses were that he married too young, didn't think he loved his wife, and she was too controlling. He had no compassion for her when she found out -- he was just happy to get out of the marriage.

When he married me, I thought his A during his first marriage didn't matter. He loved ME and he would never do that to ME. Well, he has had three As during our marriage -- all disclosed in the past three months. He didn't think there was anything wrong with flirting and making suggestive remarks to attractive women (all coworkers) and when they responded in kind, he couldn't pass up the opportunity for an EMA.

I think each A made it easier to have another one. He perfected his lying and deception skills, he was able to compartmentalize his As and detach from me and our sons, and he created justifications in his mind for each affair.

Not once before or during his As did he tell me that he was unhappy. Not once did he complain about ENs not being met. Not once did he give me any reason not to trust him. He just became more cold and clever. He even used our teenaged son to meet with OW#2 for sex -- no, our son was not present for the "act" - my WH would send our son on an errand when they were at the OW house to fix her pool.

I realize now that the As were not "out of character" for him -- this is who he is -- a serial adulterer.

SORRY ABOUT THE MULITIPLE POSTS -- MY COMPUTER KEEPS FREEZING -- DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS RESENDING MY MESSAGE EACH TIME.

some people are, indeed, serial cheaters. this, of course, doesn't dismiss the bs from the responsibility he or she owns (establishing boundaries, being a mindful spouse, standing up for one's needs and meeting the other's needs, etc). sometimes that's just the way it is. nor does it excuse the serial cheater's beahvior. like anyone else, they'll change it when they decide to do so.

I see two types of cheaters.

For some it's a lifelong pattern. For others, like me, it's a complete change in someone from a faithful, honest person to a cheating one.

I realized my mistake, repented, and have tried to make amends. I would never do it again. The destructiveness of it have been beyond belief.

For others, they always seem to bounce back, find a new partner quickly, and cheat again. They don't learn at all from their mistake.

After getting involved with EXOM, I found out he'd cheated before. I knew I could NEVER trust him, and I didn't trust him the last part of our A. Irony, indeed.

I said to him, as I ended the A, "You've lied to women your whole life. You can't get away with it, with me. Before I cheated with you, I never lied in my life. I've sunk this low, for you. What in the world became of my heart and mind?"

I never believed so fully in evil, until getting involved with exOM.

I feel he loved tearing me away from my family, as it made him feel powerful. Scary stuff. As far as I know, he's still married.

To sum all this up, I think some never cheat again, and others are always cheating and lying.

HP