Haven't posted in a while. I lurk- but I just don't feel I can give much insight...
I'm asking for help about what to do.
Briefly, my WH said he wanted to work on reconciling early this summer. Since then, he has been clearly much nicer to me and the kids- helps around the house, etc.
He hasn't made any significant R talk, so I continued to not initiate R talk and did not LB.
Things seemed to be going well and we went out to dinner last night to talk.
The nice WH was more the former WH-did the typical fog talk telling me that despite the fact I'm not attractive to him, he thinks we can have an M without the "trappings" (ie his SF).
I told him that I don't want an M without SF for BOTH of us.
He is still in contact with OW- only at her infrequent initiation so he says. He states he told her NC in sept, at my request and she knows he wants to work on the M. He is trying to give her some help until she withdraws from him.
Finally- my issue- I guess it's time for Plan B, although I'm not sure that my love bank isn't empty. Also, it will be hard to do with kids and I don't have anyone to do the pick up/drop off thing with. Also, he's read HN/HN and SAA so is aware of Plan B. Will it still work? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Thanks to all for holding my hands and guiding me when I need it!

i believe you should re-assert your boundaries. he clearly belives that NC doesn't really mean NC.

why?

because you've allowed it. he says that he told her NC. where were you when this happened? did he show you the letter? did you mail it together? does he tell you when ow initiates this infrequent contact? does he remind her that she is not to contact either of you? it seems not.

he says he's trying to help her through withdrawal. it's not possible to do that when there is contact. have you heard of a successful case of a heroin addict kicking the addiction by infrequently using heroin?

and your h doesn't want any of that bothersome marital sex. if i gambled, i'd go all in that the affair is still going on.

i'm sorry that i haven't given much advice. it seems you understand the mb principles. based on what you've given here, it sounds like it's just a matter of you improving your implementation.

Whippit-
you have been helpful. No- he never wrote a NC letter as I asked him and he doesn't tell me when she contacts him... after reading peppers comments, I feel it may be too late.

Pepper,
As always, you can get to the central issue quickly. But can you elaborate. When you say I'm ptolonging the agony, does that mean it's way too late to do anything or that the course can be changed.
I don't have any reason why I didn't start plan B before-

pb511, I can't speak for Pepper, but I also think you have prolonged the agony by ALLOWING this affair to continue unchecked. He has NO REASON WHATSOEVER to end the affair. He has you and the OW and is getting his need met in BOTH places. What man, in his right mind, would end such a wonderful set up? It is in this way that you have enabled the affair.

The time for plan B was a long time ago but it is never too late. Plan B will force him off the fence when he is no longer getting his needs met by you. I would also suggest you call the Harley's; they can often do in a few sessions what other counselors can NEVER do.

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Dear Melody,
Thank you for your input.
I really have been trying to follow MB principles- but I guess it's like many things- in retrospect, things look much clearer.
When WH asked to reconcile in June, he told me he ended the A in Feb.because he knew it wouldn't work.
There has been some (slow) progress- I can see many of his attitudes about her changing and him seeing things more clearly now.
I felt that any progress in a positive way was good and was hesitant to change things.
When Pepper made her comments, though, it was like a bolt of lightening hit me and I saw things from a different perspective.
Anyway, I counseled with Steve H once in the past and it was very helpful. I've been in IC as well for almost 2 years, but as you said so well- no other counselers can do it like they do.

Originally posted by pb511:
When you say I'm ptolonging the agony, does that mean it's way too late to do anything or that the course can be changed.

No, that's not at all what I mean.

Plan A is a strategy to end the affair.

If Plan A goes on too long, and the affair doesn't end, YOU get a severe drain of YOUR love bank. That is the agony .... a prolonged affair and a loss of your love (not to mention trust and respect) for your husband.

I think, Cerri may be just what you need right now. She usually hangs out on "JFO" board, start a new thread with her name in the title. She may take you on as a client.
She's a marriage coach.

If there are no consequences for his affair, he may never end it.

Pep

Pepperband,
I am going over to post on JFO as you've suggested.
I think I am in danger of being close to empty and I know it's not where I want to be.
Please look in on me once in a while...
Thanks a million.