I am obviously very cautious of everyone on here.
I feel as though this could get very nasty at some point, so I will just start talking about myself and where my life is going.

I wrote a letter to OM about a month ago.
I told him that he could no longer come over to see OC, I felt he was spending way to much time at my home and that me and the kids were really stressed out about it.

I told him that I was tired of all the calls to my work and my cell phone and that he needed to understand that I am never going to be with him.
That this letter was not up for discussion and that he needed to think very hard about how he was going to react to the letter.

I told him that I did let everyone know about the letter and the possability of what his reaction would be and I would take whatever steps needed to protect myself and my children including calling the law and getting a protective order for my children.

His biggest threat for all these years has been H2Y. He has always threatened him with violence if I made any kind of a move.

His reaction to the letter was typical at first.

It has been so quite and very peacfull for about a month and a half now.
He has not contacted OC and OC is thriving.
Myslef and the Day care provider have noticed a very positive change in my sons attitiude.
He has been a much happier and loving child.
We don't discuss OM at all.

My life has been hell for the last four years.
It has taken me everyting to just survive all that has happened to me. It is sad to realize that I have been a willing participant in it all.

I am not making excuses for my behavior and I am not asking for acceptance from anyone.
I will never prove my worth to anyone again but GOD.

I may have lost everything and everyone I love.
I have however found myself, my worth and my dignity.
That FAITH1, ORCHID, CHRIS and H2Y is my "BUILDING BLOCK"

pepperband.
I take full responsablity for what I have done.
I think I stated that by saying I was a willing participant.
That to me is taking responsability.
I wonder if a WS can ever say anything on here without someone attacking every word that is said.

I may be a bit harsh at times but please realize I'm not against you and I'm not for hy2. I'm for the situation getting better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If I post something and it seems rough, it's usually to get you to think rather than me simply spouting off advice.

I am obviously very cautious of everyone on here.
That's okay. You don't know us and we don't know you. We have obviously heard from h2y and know his "side" more than yours. Remember, there are 3 sides to all stories. Yours, his and what really happened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Also, most here will listen, more so if you (as a wayward spouse) accept your part of it.

I wonder if a WS can ever say anything on here without someone attacking every word that is said.
Yes they can. But stop and think about what you are posting.
Is it something you want an answer to?
Are you simply venting your anger/feelings? If so, then say that.

The answer will not always be what you want or expect to hear. And some will tell you that you are ALWAYS wrong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> simply because you were the wayward spouse.
This board is open to the public and anyone is free to post their own thoughts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lucidity:
<strong> pepperband.
I take full responsablity for what I have done.
I think I stated that by saying I was a willing participant.
That to me is taking responsability.
I wonder if a WS can ever say anything on here without someone attacking every word that is said. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luc,

If you like, I will stop responding to you.

I did not attack every word. In fact, I began with telling you "good job".

I happen to love my WH very much.

The fact that you were once a WS means you are as good a person as anyone else, but you made poor decisions.

Do you want me to remain silent with you?

Yes or no. I will respect your wishes.

pep

lucidity:

I like your new sound! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

One thing I realized, many years ago, when I 2k responsibility for my own decisions and the consequences of those dicisions, that sort of surprised me.

Taking responsibility is LIBERATING!

All my best,
-ol' 2long

2ble post.

2dles!

-2long

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

pepperband.
I have very little time to post on here.
I take little moments from my work schedule.
When I used the words what happened to me, I was not referring to my affair.
I was referring to the abuse by OM.

"I was referring to the abuse by OM."

Did you leave the OM after the 1st episode of abuse? Or, did you stay around thinking he would stop? How bad was this abuse? Did he leave marks on your body? Break bones? What happened?

Pep

No i did not leave.
Yes, the abuse was physical,emotional and threats toward H2Y.
Was it my responsablility to leave and protect myself and my children. YES.
It is learned behavior and I am training myself to act, think and behave differently.

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: lucidity ]</small>

Originally posted by lucidity:
I am training myself to act, think and behave differently.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That's great.

My hope for you is this ....

You love and respect yourself too much to allow anyone to abuse you ever again.

Take care.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lucidity:
<strong> pepperband.
I take full responsablity for what I have done.
I think I stated that by saying I was a willing participant.
That to me is taking responsability.
I wonder if a WS can ever say anything on here without someone attacking every word that is said. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lucidity:

I wondered if you meant this for me as well. Please understand that my posts to you or anyone are my thoughts. Take the good and discard what is not beneficial. I do the same.

NOTE: Anyone can say whatever they want here or anywhere. It is called freedom of speech. How it is received is up to the hearer. We can control our delivery but not the actions or thoughts of the hearer. With that said, what we say and how we say it is important.

On the other hand, insincere statements, lies, misconceptions, miscommunications, manipulation is never welcomed. I am not saying you personally did these things but that goes for all of us.

No hard feelings either way, I hope. Certainly none on my side. I am anxious to see you and your family happy and healthy again. It is my hope for all who sincerely participate in MB because even posting here takes effort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lucidity, I am not against you. By no means but I certainly don't want to contribute to sending you back into the mire of any A. The OM is a 'little man'. You don't have to subject your family to him any longer. H2y needs your protection from the OM also (since you admitted that H2y was the target of the OM's attacks - right?).

With that in mind restoring the trust so that you and H2y can have a working relationship for the sake of the children is a good place to start. Don't set your expectations too high right now. Work on improving yourself and your family 1 step at a time.

I see you are already going in that direction. It makes my heart glad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,

L.
ps: If my posts offend you and you want me to stop posting, please let me know.

Lucidity,

I don't know H2Y and I don't know your story. All I have is the little bits and pieces that I've read in the last few days. And I have a couple of things to say.

First of all, you've been through hell and you're on your way back. That alone means, to me, that you ought to be here and get the support (and occasionally that support comes in the form of 2x4s!) from other people who've been to hell and back. The fact that you went to a different side of hell than most of us is not really relevant to me.

Secondly, you ARE on your way back. I'm so glad for you! I'm so very happy to read of the improvements in your life and the hard-won peace that's starting to come to you. Please, whatever you do, keep creating that peace for yourself and your kids. If you one day reconcile with H2Y, that would be wonderful; he sounds like a decent sort of guy even if he is really pissed off at you at the moment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If you can find peace for yourself, though, then you can find compassion for him, and that right there is the ingredient that's necessary for re-opening communications.

And yes, the same is completely true for H2Y. He needs to find peace in himself, and then compassion for you, and that will help you two re-open communications.

Of course, there's also the fact of the no-contact that you've created with OM. H2Y, you WERE paying attention to that small detail, right?

Basically, your post makes me smile <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . You are a strong woman. I can tell that you are resilient, and willing to do what needs to be done. Don't ever give up hope for what you want.

Then, because I care, I want to ask a few questions.

What are you telling us? I'm glad to see you making steps to focus on YOU. I'm glad to see you focusing on YOU, and taking control of your life. But why are you telling us all of this? I'm not being sarcastic. I want to know.

You also started your post by saying "I'll start by talking about myself .... " ok.... you started... please continue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We want to hear more. What's next on your mind?

You said "... and where my life is going" . Where is it going? Where would you like it to go?

I am glad you are trying to set boundaries with the OM. I am concerned that he won't respect them. What's to keep him from ignoring your letter?

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 10:09 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

"I wonder if a WS can ever say anything on here without someone attacking every word that is said. "

As a FWS (and believe me, I hate tags, I really do), very few attacked me here. I can count on one hand - 3 actually. And on each occassion someone jumped in and stood up for me as they thought the person was being unfair - they didn't know my story perhaps. The point, is that was freedom of speech. The point is, I was willing to learn and change - very quickly. Very quickly I understood that I had mad some appalling decisions that could affect me and my X for the rest of my life, unless I picked myself up and turned myself inside out looking for some honesty, truth, and re-building primarily of myself to then be able to comprehend the enormous task of whether or not *we* could re-build our M.

Luci, I was with an abusive man. I didn't even really realise it until I was outside of the R. He is now my X, and for me that is a good thing - although I never justify my A. I don't think I had the courage to actually face him and tell him I didn't want him to come home from working abroad. Subconsciously I was looking for an escape, someone else, someone to save me from his anger.... Sometimes, I think the verbabl onslaughts were more frightening than the physical. I understand how hard it is to move away from that truly I do. It is scarey. We doubt our very core, our very ability to do anything. I always believed every single row or disagreement we had was about me, it was my fault. Gosh, I spent an awful lot of 12 years being wrong....

I have caught up on your stories - you and H2Y. He once applauded a post I had written to Blah34. Blah, a WS, but well, he was talking Blah at the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He made me a bit cross <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> It always surprises me that someone thinks I can be wise, because still (even nearly 2 years post A and 18 months post d-day, and 1 year post separation and 6 months post D!!!) I think I don't know much about anything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But I do know your turmoil and pain. Luci, you can be a W again to H2Y, but it will take an enormous amount of work firstly by you. Yes, he'll know that he will have to make changes. I read his latest thread. He has a lot to give up right now for you. He has re-built his life, he has waited a long time. Only you can make the decision on whether or not you want to change yourself and your life. I applaud you for taking the first steps by writing a NC letter to OM. Sounds to me if that man is an absolute leech, bleeding you dry. You deserve much much better.

Luci, we all deserve better in life. But it is what we put in that can affect how much better our lives can become. You are right on the verge of loosing H2Y. You may have already lost him. What do you want to do now? Whatever you decide, be a better you.

Wishing you well from London.

Lisa

oops

<small>[ December 11, 2003, 10:33 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I was thinking .....

A starting place to reach out in peace might be ....

one where you assume H2Y's motives are genuine.

If you think about what H2Y has done over the past 4 years or so, his finer choices as well as his lesser choices ....

If you can find a place inside of you that recognizes H2Y was doing the best he could do at the time (under rotten circumstances). He was struggling and made mistakes. But he was never intending to be punitive with you.

For me, the biggest dilemma is the kids. If you think about it, H2Y's decisions were nearly always focused on the kids, their well-being and their safety.

Once it was clear that you were going to choose OM despite his history of violence, H2Y had a duty to insure the safety of the kids. Their physical, emotional, spiritual safety.

Have you ever sincerely *thanked* H2Y for his fierce loyalty and protective decisions regarding the kids?

I think that particular peace offering might bring you closer to your goal of more interaction with the kids.

Pep