Is it possible to recover from an A without getting the WH to send a NC letter to the OW?

I've been looking through the love busters area and emotional needs area and I'm trying very hard to meet some of those needs of my husband and refraining from using lb. This is not easy for me, but I've noticed a change in him when I do this. Instead of crying fits, blaming him etc., I don't bring up the subject of the EA or that he is still in contact with OW. He seems to get closer to me and two days ago, he actually started talking calmly about her and their relationship, her fiance etc. I listened only, did not ask questions, did not cry or throw fits. This seemed to have worked much better and I actually found myself getting so much more info about their A than I ever thought before. He admitted to me that he is trying to get over this, that it is not easy and that he needs time. He's been attentive to me and we've spend some nice and fun time together. Next week, he has invited me to attend his company christmas party with him and he has never stopped showing interest in going out with me or visiting our friends together with me.

I've read everywhere that recovery cannot take place unless the is NC. How can this work for me then?

I would appreciate some of your suggestions or input.

Kati

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

Look at it as something to strive for. You H doesn't sound like he's to the point of committing to NC now. I don't know your story or how long this has been going on and how long you've known, but the behavior that you display will play a direct roll in when he decides to go with NC. It's his decision, but you can help it along through your actions (and lack of actions).

It took my W 7 months after I found out for her to take a serious look at NC and stick to it.
I know it's hard, but at this point, don't take the fact that he's slow coming around as failure.

We've been in recovery 3 1/2 years. My H still has at least monthly work contact with FOW.

However, their PA was 18 months long, EA longer. We were separated 7 times, he was out of the house 14 out of 21 months. So, getting to recovery was very difficult, as it is for any WS who continues to see or contact the OP.

My H did send the NC letter, she emailed him back to scold him and contact continued personal for over a year--even past the end of the PA.

I don't have any great faith in the NC letter itself. Whether the A continues still depends on the actions of the WS, with or without the letter.

When my H finally decided he wanted the marriage, he didn't send another NC letter.

What he did do (and we were separated when he began this, I had served D papers):
-when he could have another person work with her, he would.
-gave me access to all passwords, email, voice, work
-his life became an open book
-he went to counseling on his own
-he set up a male accountability partner
-he went to a men's Bible study
-he stopped going into bars without me

I think it is very positive that your H invited you to the Christmas party. Go, look great, and have a wonderful time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

The no contact letter is a big part; however, it must have other things to go along with it to lead you into recovery. Lor touched on some of these things, which basically boils down to a commitment to recovering the marriage and a marital recovery plan. (Not to mention getting a professional involved.)

Personally, and this is me, if my H worked anywhere that the OW called as a customer (or as anyone else for that matter) on a frequent basis, he wouldn't come home. Period. That's me and my boundary. No contact whatsoever by any means whatsoever for any reason whatsoever. He is the one that should be demonstrating to you that there is no contact.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't bring up the subject of the EA or that he is still in contact with OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh, Plan A includes negotiating for the end of the affair and radical honesty about what you know, how you know it, and how it makes you feel. Simply implementing conflict avoidance is NOT plan A.

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 05:56 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

my w did not send a NC letter. it was the om who ended things with her and made it clear to her that he wanted nothing more to do with her. in essence, it was he who sent the NC letter.

you're right that recovery cannot happen unless there is no contact. notice there's no mention of a letter in that last statement.

the letter itself is to ensure clarity to the other person and it's a demonstration by the wayward spouse that they are committed to the recovery. the letter isn't necessarily a requirement for a recovery to occur.

personally, i didn't make it a boundary because it wasn't necessary (see above. actually, it's something i've come to admire about our om). what IS a boundary is that she is not to contact him. and if he contacts her, she is to tell him to go pi$$ up a rope (among other boundaries i've set).