ok let em ask you this, when I call and talk to the kids the wife never asks or seems to want to talk, Should i ask to talk to her and say something just wanted to see how you are doing ?
any ideas

Steve, you could ask how she is doing, that wouldn't hurt. I would stay away from any relationship talk, though.

Did you read what 2long said about reading? Have you given some thought to talking to Dr Harley?

gblogbd I suggest that you consider the following:

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your W. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive (It really is, you know!). Remember that there are millions of people out there who are worse off than you are at this moment and who would trade places with you in a second.

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. It's very therapeutic.

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Convey in every which way to your W that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, "I will make it! I prefer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it." State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your W brief and
to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if she wants to "hook" you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.

5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernal of truth in what your W is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. If she says "I don’t love you anymore.", you say to her "It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.". If she says "I’m not sure what I want." You say "Yes, it must be confusing for you." If she tells you "I’m thinking of moving out." You say "Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activites."

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX. Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with somone. I’m not talking about dating. I’m talking about being friends without intimacy (sharing of deepest thoughts and feelings) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy.

Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your W is doing. She will pick up on your motive and see through it. She will easily manipulate you back to where she wants you (whereever that was to make you predictable and controllable). You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity. Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if she decides to 'work on the marriage.' But, don’t expect it!

Yes I have, I was going to get the book first.
will this work if my wife is not willing.
I offered counseling in the past and she said she did not want it. Another friend of mine called and said he saw her this past weekend and spoke to her, Frist thing wife did was to tell him nothing was going on with OM who friend alos knows.

You need to get the book so you can understand what is going on in her head and better handle the situation. You should not recommend counseling to her at this point. Trying to educate her or any relationship talk is a lovebuster.

P.S. the counseling I suggested is FOR YOU. The Harleys can help you understand the situation and guide you in the best way to handle it. They may even be able to think of a way to get her into counseling.

Steve:

"will this work if my wife is not willing."

Yes. My FWW is STILL not willing. Not willing 2 go 2 a counselor, that is, and I had planned 2 talk 2 cerri, a marriage coach trained by Willard Harley. I'm still going 2 do that one of these days, but for now it wasn't the right thing for me.

But you can recover your M single-handedly if you're W isn't willing BUT isn't interested in getting off the fence, either. It's a lot harder that way and it takes longer. I'm doing it, because I have 2. It'd be a lot easier if your W were willing 2 follow MB methods and work WITH YOU, but for now she can't, so you have 2 work on yourself.

Change yourself for the better. Find your weaknesses and improve on them. We all have them. Trials like this give us the oppor2nity 2 understand them and change them. WE can't change others, only ourselves. But when we change ourselves, we're often surprised 2 see those around us change in response 2 our outward expressions.

It's pretty cool, when you can see it happening!

-ol' 2long

globld, whatever you do, DO NOT ask to speak to her. I am telling you, I am about 8 months ahead of where you are and if I could go back I would NOT do that. It will only aggrevate her and hurt you. I remember I sent flowers to her, just because. When she got them she sent me an email saying, "The flowers were nice, but this has to stop. Please don't send anymore". She will repay all my kindness with cruelty and it hurt like you would not believe. If you ask to speak with her, she will be cruel to you, or probably will not even get on the phone. You will be able to detect a tone in her voice that says, "I really don't want to talk to you". She will not start off being that blatantly cruel, but if you keep being kind and reaching out like that, she will blatantly abuse you. Show your kindness in such a way that she cannot respond back to you.
Trust me on this. It will save you much unneeded heartache.

Solon, you are right, I just got off the phone with my wife. I was talking to the kids and she got on the phone, I asked if I could help her with the Kids Christmas party at school and she said I could not her her with anything all she wants is a divorce and told me hjow her atorney was going to make a fool of me, she then said it could have been different but your a liar ..............All I did while we were married was take up for you.....I spoke to the neighbors and they all think your crazy.....
I just told her ok if this is what you want ok, thats fine, whatever you want.what ever she said that I did wrong just agreed with her told her your right. I also found out that the wife got in a car wreck, I asked her about that and she finally told me why do you care, I have it taken care of, I told her she should tell me these things. She asked why and I told her I cared about her, plus its our car. she then wwent into Oh, no you want to act all nice, its over Im gonna take everything you have. She then asked me If I had told people at work about us, I told her no
she told me she saw somebody and told them all about us......I asked who and she said none of my business. I told her that fine, if you dont want me to know. Any ideas

Just keep on playing nice. She is still trying to bait you and getting frustrated. She will run out of steam soon.

Steve:

Just don't get sucked in2 the black hole of any more of those baited arguments.

Look. If she files for DV, MOST STATES will not CARE if there's an A going on. They won't care about rumors of what you're doing or not doing either. Whatever she's entitled 2 in the way of settlement, she'll be entitled 2. Try not 2 worry about it. She's tweaked because you're not getting in2 her little range wars with her. Keep being nice, it'll boil her blood! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

But in the meantime, prepare yourself for any even2ality. You don't need 2 hurry and sign papers or counterfile or anything, assuming she even serves you dV papers. Stall if you don't want a DV. Stay within the law, whatever you do.

And, of course, keep being Mr Nice Guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

I think I done very well, She started telling me im getting 1/2 your 401k, were selling the house etc. I just kept telling her ok, that fine. She asked why I was like that, I told her its out of
my hands if the court says sell the house then thats what we will do, same with 401k and everything else. I told her by and she didnt want to get off the phone, I said good bye and hung up, 10 min later I called her back and told her I did not want to upset her I just called to see about our daughters Christmas party and see if I could help, then then she started right back, I told her again I didnt want to upset her and we could talk about this later. she said your right when we go to court, I again told her thats fine if thats what you want.

She's really trying to pick a fight. You got sucked into a bit of the baloney, but not too bad. Makes me wonder if she's trying to provoke you into saying something so she can pursue a Restraining Order. Next time, try to cut the conversation off quicker, even if you have to hang up on her. It "feeds" her need to have conflict to even try to have a rational discussion with her at this point. I'm trying to remember that old saying about arguing with a fool, but it's not coming to mind. Somebody here is sure to know it.

okwhat about this, my wife was in a car wreck, she was not hurt, she ran into the back of someone. My oldest daughter told me about it. when I asked my wife she told me not to worray about it. When I asked how she was doing she replied" why do you care now, you never cared before" she finally told me who was fixing the car. Do I call the body shop and get acopy of the estimate or let it ride? I really do care
all she said was the car will look like new when they are done with it.

gb.
I know your situation is very, very painful, but please - don't call her again. She's looking for every opportunity to hurt you and blame you. She's doing that to protect herself from responsibility and guilt and to justify her actions.
She will continue to act this way if you let her.

Please don't call her again. Don't ask her if you can help, don't ask her about the carwreck.
If your daughthers have their own cell phones, call them directly to avoid speaking with your wife.
remove yourself from the center of the drama.

Change whatever you know you need to change - within YOU, for YOU.
Write her a Plan B letter.
Tell her you love her and want your M to work - tell her ONCE - don't persue her any further.
Go dark and let her take the rollercoaster ride all by herself.

TMCM and others have already given you great advice! Listen to them, please.

Yeah, all of this is going to start taking a serious toll on your, all the cruelty, the best thing to do is not talk to her at all. If you want to get a word of love to her, write it, but even then, when she doesn't respond it will hurt. She sounds just like my wife sounded early on (in Feb.) and my wife is still cruel, though not as cruel as she was before. But I just don't talk to her. That's the best thing. It hurts, but not as bad as putting your love out there only to be trampled on.

update, went to the kids Christmas Party at school, when i got there my daughters ran to me, I then looked and saw my wife, she had a sour look on her face, My wife to to other daughters class and oldest daughter teacher came to me and said the wife was acting all happy then when she saw me the wind went out of her sails, teacher started laughing, she knows what up with us. I told the teacher I dont know why the wife is mad or upset she invited me. When I left I told the daughters goodbye, the wife was right by them, I told her bye real happy acting and she never said a word, I just left after that and said nothing else.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gblogbd:

I told her bye real happy acting and she never said a word, I just left after that and said nothing else.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good job! Keep up the good work.

Always remember that your happiness is in your own hands and NOT in your WW's.

OK, I went to pick up the kids fro wifes parents house where she is staying since she left. The wife was not there the kids asked me to go see the room they have now. I looked and talked about how cute it was, wifes father was in the kitchen and could hear. We then went into the wife beedroom and they showed me some Christmas stockings the wife had made for them. When I turned and looked on the bed there were 2 more stockings, they had the OM's kids name on them.
I just looked and felt like tearing the whole room apart. I just got the kids and told them to go get in the car, I told the father in law it was nice of the wife to make the stockings for the OM children, he did not say a word. He has been a spineless man ever since I have met my wife. when wifes mother was being very eman and hateful telling the wife she looked like a stripper, my wifes father never said a word. this
is just an example of how he was the past 17 years. what do I do about the stockings ?
how did I do?

Will her dad tell her what you saw?