I am another one of those "other women" who needs some advice. I have been in a strange affair for the last 3-1/2 years and desperately need to get out. What makes my situtation so odd is that I dated my lover before he ever got married. As a matter of fact, the only reason he married was because she was pregnant with his child. This happened before I met him (her getting pregnant). I know that I should have walked
away directly afterwards, and I did. For a short
time. Unfortunately, he came back to explain all the events leading up to what had happened. We decided to be friends. But, as you can tell, it didn't stay that way for long. There have been many things that have prevented him from divorcing his wife, who he says he has never loved nor wanted to marry, mainly that he
was out of work for almost all the time we've been
"together". I can't deal with this situation anymore.
I truly don't know if he will leave her. He has only had a regular job for the last few months and is just starting to get back on his feet financially. I just can't take the stress of this anymore. I have tried seeing other guys, but I can't seem to find the one who will take my mind off him. There truly is no reason for me to hope that I will ever be with this married guy, is there? I keep trying to tell myself that I have been deluding myself for too long, but I
keep coming back to, "what if?", because it IS such an odd relationship. Please help!! I'm better than this!

You call it a relationship? Why would you ever want to be with someone that is doing what he is??? I just dont understand some people......this guy has red flags pasted all over him....he is a lie, a cheat and a snake and you are giving him just what he wants......cake and eat it too. Both of you all have big issues.......him for having an affair on his wife, whom he DID marry no matter the circumstance, and you for continuing to see him while he is married. There are tons of guys out there that are not attached.....hook up with one of them. Why you would even start in this situation, let alone stay in it is beyond me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

MF one of the best ways to help end an affair is to let your OM(other man) W(wife) know about the affair and demand that he no longer contacts you. For one, she deserves to know the truth about who she is married to so she can decide whether to remain married to him or divorce him. And second, if they both decide to rebuild their marriage, he not very likely to want to contact you again knowing full well that you might get in touch with his W again.

No matter how you look at it, there is no escaping the pain of ending the affair but if you do the above, you will ,over time, start to feel the pain less and less (it is a one day at a time process). Sadly that is the way it is, and there is nothing you can do to speed up your recovery. BUT your success will depend on observing the NC(no contact) rule, otherwise any contact with the OM will set you back to square one and prolong your painful withdrawl and recovery.

Good luck and God bless.

Hi MyFolly,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have tried seeing other guys, but I can't seem to find the one who will take my mind off him. There truly is no reason for me to hope that I will ever be with this married guy, is there? I keep trying to tell myself that I have been deluding myself for too long, but I
keep coming back to, "what if?", because it IS such an odd relationship. Please help!! I'm better than this! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would it help if I told you that what you have is NOT an odd or unique relationship? Sadly, this happens sooooo often...with the details of the MM's explanation varying, but the same...uh, gridlock. My X-OM once surmised that our relationship was unique and I almost laughed out loud. Extramarital relationships and the stories behind them are as common as dirt. There is very little variation on the theme(s). If you do any reading at all on an OW board you will see the truth of this.

It all comes down to what you want. If you want a life that is peaceful, fulfilling, and right before God, you will cease all participation in a relationship with this man. You will find a way to do it if you want to badly enough. If not, well, you will remain stressed, and focused in an unhealthy way on this man and his circumstances.

PS--Dont' wait for another guy to take your mind off of this man. Who are you without a guy? That would be a good first question to answer.

There. I can almost guarantee that if you went to a therapist with this you would get an answer very similar to this (without the God part), so I just saved you whatever the going hourly rate is.

Good luck.

MF:

I won't repeat what others have said. They covered the important points.

terminator made an important point that could be elaborated on. I've known so many wonderful people when I was young who had sadly mistaken ideas of what their fu2re happiness required - most thought that meeting mr or ms "right" was what they needed. But the truth is that we ALL need 2 be secure, emotionally healthy individuals before we can have intimate emotional or physical relationships with anyone. You've never done this, or you wouldn't be thinking that the only way 2 get out of this A is 2 hook up with another man. What if that other man is as insecure as you are? What if he's a liar and a cheat like the guy you're "with" now?

Get yourself on a firm emotional footing before you try 2 have an intimate relationship with anybody, okay?

Oh, and the ONLY way 2 end your A is 2 END it. Cold 2rkey! You can't "wean" yourself off the addiction of the OM. Telling his W is a good way of making the OM face his demons and leaving you alone.

best,
-2long

Originally posted by MyFolly:


As a matter of fact, the only reason he married was because she was pregnant with his child.

Highly UNlikely. This is the *whopper* he told you ... but he DID marry her, and that FACT says so much more than the lie he fed you.

There have been many things that have prevented him from divorcing his wife,

What ever he says to you does not change the FACT that he DID marry her and he has NOT divorced her. You'd be better off focusing on the FACTS than on what he *says* to keep you hanging onto a "what if".

he says he has never loved nor wanted to marry,

The fact is .... he did marry her .... and if he married a woman he does not love .... then THIS makes his character even lower.. an even bigger liar.


I truly don't know if he will leave her.

He hasen't yet. She must be pleasing him in some ways. You have NO idea how their life is as a married couple. What he says to you may be self-serving and meant to lead you on.

There truly is no reason for me to hope that I will ever be with this married guy, is there?

Nope.

But your bigger dilemma is this .....

Why do you think so little of yourself to settle for a known liar and coward.

If he married her without love, he is both a liar and a coward.

Why do you want such a "fixer-upper" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Why aren't you attracted to a better quality man?

One with a job?

One with character and honor?

One who isn't an adulteror?

If he ever did leave her for you .... imagine how little you could trust him....

Pep

My Folly,
Not to add salt to the wound but a particular saying really applies to your situation:
Actions speak louder than words.

I hope you find someone who will treat you well. You deserve it.

Why in the world would you consider a liar and a cheat to be marriage material? I am astonished that any thinking person would even consider consorting with such a person. WHY?

Surely you can comprehend that what he does to her, he will do to *YOU.* At least he had enough regard and love for her to marry HER, he didn't even have that much regard for you.

We live in a country where women are FREE to choose their mates, [unlike Afghanistan, etc] why would you WASTE that freedom on an alley cat?

Flabbergasted........................