I have an idea....let's do POJA practice. The other ladies and I will represent your wife. Since it's your issue...you introduce the idea for the discussion. ex "wife, I'd like to discuss the the tv issue......"

Look at the guidelines for the POJA and you begin axl and we'll respond okay?

tips for beginning:

State your understanding of your wife's feelings (validation)

Use respectful, honest statements to express your feelings, using "I" sentences and not "you" sentences.

Express a desire to come up with a solution that is reasonable for both of you....instead of just one.

Stress being a "team" where both partners can avoid resentfulness by making compromises. For instance...you may be more willing to turn your head in private....but more embarrassed when others can notice.

We'll also try to help you with your responses.

I think it would be good practice for everyone.

star,

What a great, great idea!

In fact, given that the practice can be beneficial to all, you might want to also start a separate thread where lots of MBers can "play."

*S*

Originally posted by alx:
"I don't want to make it sound like its this way all the time, but I am constantly avoiding that I feel. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn't address the issues more in herself (maybe I'm not forcing it enough myself and that I'm afraid of losing her)."

I will admit that you wife's actions sound taxing. I got a little tired reading about them. They may be issues that she has herself or they may be influenced by your past behavior.

Either way, if you only look at her having an issue whether, self produced or externally motivated (by you)then you might miss the oppurtunity to search yourself for possible improvements in your behavior.

So try not to stop at looking at her behavior only. Review past actions, behaviors, attitudes (soul searching) and if an A was a part of your life together then, hey you have a sure reason for why she may be reacting this way. By the same token if you treat her with empathy and try to address possible underlying concerns then it may help her improve herself; thus improve you interaction with each other bettering your M.

A previous poster was outraged that your wife acted this way and the poster quoted that your wife has no right to treat you this way and all she should ask you for is honesty.

Of course in the realm of common sense it doesn't make sense to simply ask for honesty. If that were the case you could be honest about doing things that violate your M and nothing else to build your M.

Let's face it MB requires a whole lot more than honesty. It totally goes against the previous primitive notions most people have about M. SO we have to adjust our thinking.

Another poster mentioned the Policy of Joint Agreement will aid in resolving wife's concerns (and behaviors) and yours also. Maybe you can work together at it. Link below.


POJA
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

I've never had an affair. I will tell my wife if I see a woman whether half naked or not, but being honest comes with a lot anger towards me and pity about herself. She throws out how I must think she is so ugly compared to those women...

On another note. Bell you need to back and read your old threads about your situation before you start making judgements. I gave you a recommendation about what to do because I believed what you were saying, I'm asking the same here.

We have used some POJA (she probably has read through this site before), and she has admitted that her fears are irrational and that if I'm not happy I should leave. She has said in this type of conversing that we should never have gotten married because of these issues. She will never trust anyone completely, because doing so is stupid and only setting yourself up. I tell her that I married her because I trust her and I would like the same in return. You have to take that chance or you'll be miserable all your life. She believes she is to screwed up in the head. I feel horrible when I here this. I have put myself in her shoes and it has got to be so exhausting. Sometimes I think me leaving would almost be a giant relief for her. She wouldn't have to continuesly be worrying. An irrational fear but none the less. So I'm kind of stuck. During this I've told her that I know we can work through this as a team. So we go on and act like it never happened until it pops up again and again and again... Like I said there are other issues beside the tv set. (I've been out of town for a couple of days) PLease respond.

Hey alx....did you see the POJA thread we did for you? I'm going to bump it up because we didn't finish....maybe you could give us some input.

Hey alx,

I'm sooo sorry that I came off like I was making judgment's.I really didn't mean to.

I also thought the same way,I thought I must be an ugly woman to my H compared to other women(nope,that was my thinking not H's)

I have also told my H that I was screwed up in my head and that he would be better off without me.(My thinking again,not H's.I cannot asume he would be better off without me in his life).

Guess what? I was screwed up in my head.I thought things that should never have been thought in the first place.What I was thinking in my mind was not what my H was thinking.How stupid of me.All those years wasted because of MY thinking.

Being here at MB has made me shape up.REALLY.I have turned my thinking around and have seen so much change for the better in my M.I thank God for leading me to this board.

Most of all I have came to the conclusion that I had an EA years ago. I never really thought about it. But that is what triggered my jealousy.I had GUILT. If I could do that to my H, then my H could do it to me. In my mind he was. So there you have it.It screwed my thinking up.


I have forgiven my-self for it and I have repented to God to forgive me.I have asked my H to forgive me for it. And now the healing process is under way.

I hope and pray that your W and you can find a solution to your problems. Don't give up. My H has been through this for 5 years and he never gave up on me. I suppose that proves a lot to me about how my H feels about me. He truly loves me and only me.I believe it now. God Bless you axl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Hey Little Bell. I just want to make sure everything is ok with you. I know you feel bad about your jealousy issues, but you seem to understand it and that is good. I am just concerned about you though. I have gotten angry with my wife about her jealousy, but I have never demanded anything of her or raised a hand to her. I would never ever do that. No matter what, nobody deserves that. If I am really angry I just walk out of the room without a second thought. I just don't want you to think that you deserve any sort of punishment for being jealous. In my prayers. Give me shout back.

Alex

Alex,

Things are doing very well for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Yeah I was feeling really bad about my problems. It took years for me to work it out and will take a little more time to rid my-self completely of it all.

I guess I just had to hit an all time low before I finally seen the light.You don't have to be concerned at all.I'm pretty safe now.My husband knows he was wrong to have went so far as to v/p abuse me.And I hope he can forgive his-self for losing control of his anger the way he did.He feels remorseful about it.We agreed to forgive.

We both regreat what we have done. We put the blame on the both of us.Now we just need to heal.This is the first marriage for the both of us and we have a lot to learn.And we will learn together.We love each other more than we love air.Is that silly?

You know once I told my-self that I'm not going to think that way anymore it all changed.I just gave it up.My H was more important to me than my out of place, un-necesary thinking.

When H would tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him, I would tell him "yeah right,do I have fool written on my face", "do I look like those women on tv"? And H would say "no, your better than any woman any where". And "you are a perfect woman in my eyes",ect,ect.I just couldn't get it.I just couldn't believe it. I belive it now, now that I have opened my eyes (and mind) to him and let him.

I also got tired of fighting my-self <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> .I wasn't fighting my H.I was in war with my own thoughts.Thoughts that will no longer take my life away for another day.

God is so perfectly good.Amen.

I'm staying here at MB.I have lots to learn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . And I kinda want to keep track of you and hope that you'll be ok with your W.I know you love her.Just like my H loves me.I'll be lurking <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . I'll keep you both in my prayers.