I have never had an affair. I have had offers, but always turned them down. I also have never had a one night stand and my only sex partner has been my wife. We have not been close in years, but are trying.

After working with a female friend for the past 10 years I noticed things starting to change. She was a lot friendlier. She is a single mom and her one child had just left the nest. I am married with two kids.

We were all at a bar with a male friend one afternoon and the lady friend and I just started holding hands. I was thrilled. I hadn't had female physical contact let alone sex in over a year. I had fallen in love with this woman years ago, but never told her. Never saw the point.

The talk turned sexual. Our male friend and she said they could do one night stands, but didn't think I could. She said I would feel too guilty. They then said they both could have sex just for sex without ties, emotional involvement, etc. They both felt that I couldn't.

The summer went on and like a fool I continued to hold hands with her right out in public. My male friend said don't do that...get a room. We progressed to heavy petting...again right in public. She dropped hints that it wasn't wise, but never said no. I must state at this time that I had no idea what I was doing.

I didn't know at the time what she wanted, which was sex with no ties. I would love to have had sex with her, but didn't know what to do or how to ask. I also missed her hints. I know all of this months after the fact because my male mutual friend told me.

I finally told her I wanted to be more than friends. She told me I was married. I didn't get that after what had happened all summer so I told her if I was single she would be the one. She then asked me about divorce, who would get the kids. She was very concerned I would get divorced and regret it and miss the kids. She and I both share the idea that kids are most important. She then told me to go home and make the best of it. She has had no contact with me since.

My male friend has talked with her and says she feels terrible about this and says she has no contact with me because it is the only way to handle it for her. I would just like to talk, to clear up things, but no go. I found out now she did this to protect everyone, especially the kids.

What a bone head amateur I am. My friend says it might be a year or more if then if we can all get together again. He says she feels terrible how things went and ended, as I do. She is very private and he said she is very scared and didn't know what to do and only told him stuff because he was there from the beginning.

I have not tried to contact her for over a month and will continue not to as she wishes that I don't. For her it was about sex, but I think it ended with her emotions starting to get a little involved which she didn't want and that too scared her. For me, as much as I would love to have sex with her, it was emotional, just loving her, having a friend to talk to.

Any advice? Any chance we could get together again as friends? Was this an affair or not? My friend says she misses getting together.

<small>[ December 12, 2003, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: forumlover2003 ]</small>

Yes you are having an affair. An EMOTIONAL ONE. If you want to work on your MARRIAGE then this is a good site but if you came here to get the pat on the back for committing adultry and a "SHE WILL COME BACK TO YOU" then you came to the wrong place. THIS IS MARRIAGE BUILDERS! Not once have you said anything about working on your marriage.
If you want an opinion on your OW well it sounds to me you were used for some fun to pass the time. Once you started getting to serious she pulled away, not wanting to deal with a MM baggage, ex wife, kids etc! Instead of concentrating on what is going to happen with the OW why don't you concentrate on what is wrong in your marriage that you are seeking affection elsewhere. JMO

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by forumlover2003:
<strong> I must state at this time that I had no idea what I was doing.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I am certainly not an expert. But this comment has set the alarm bells going off.

Consider yourself lucky. This lady kept you from making an even bigger mistake. Put your energy into your marriage.

Why is there always enough time and energy for the affair, but never enough time and energy to improve the marriage?

"I have never had an affair. "

Yes, you just did.

-2long

if you love her as you say you do you will never contact her again. Save her the pain and misery involved with being with a married man.

She and I both share the idea that kids are most important.

Now that was funny...

hold hands with her right out in public. My male friend said don't do that...get a room. We progressed to heavy petting...again right in public. She dropped hints that it wasn't wise, but never said no. I must state at this time that I had no idea what I was doing.

You can't be serious..
and i realize I am pretty much wasting cyberspace even posting to you..
that the I beleive the chances of you showing back up to any of this is slim to none...

What a bone head amateur I am. My friend says it might be a year or more if then if we can all get together again. He says she feels terrible how things went and ended, as I do. She is very private and he said she is very scared and didn't know what to do and only told him stuff because he was there from the beginning.


whew...I was almost a bone-head amatuer and thought this post was for real.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

forumlover..you can't be serious...please post back if you are...cause I hate to think of good people wasting time and "energy" on this load of crap...
you wanna get real.
you wanna really LIVE your life as if you children are important...
then prove it...

ARK

Sorry to say, but I am for real.
I have since told the other woman through a friend that I love her enough to let her go and will not contact her again.
I have also realized I have to put 100% of my effort into my marriage and no place else, I can't do both.
I need to do things in order. If marriage doesn't work after every effort, then, and only then, should there be a divorce and possibly something with someone else, not at the same time.
I thank you for your blunt comments. It is good for me to hear them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trying2_4give:
<strong> Yes you are having an affair. An EMOTIONAL ONE. If you want to work on your MARRIAGE then this is a good site but if you came here to get the pat on the back for committing adultry and a "SHE WILL COME BACK TO YOU" then you came to the wrong place. THIS IS MARRIAGE BUILDERS! Not once have you said anything about working on your marriage.
If you want an opinion on your OW well it sounds to me you were used for some fun to pass the time. Once you started getting to serious she pulled away, not wanting to deal with a MM baggage, ex wife, kids etc! Instead of concentrating on what is going to happen with the OW why don't you concentrate on what is wrong in your marriage that you are seeking affection elsewhere. JMO </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I realize what we did was very wrong. I was just a bit surprised after 10 years that this would happen.
Some good will come from this. It has shown me just how much work my marriage needs. If you don't pay attention to it, it slowly slips away from you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:
Why is there always enough time and energy for the affair, but never enough time and energy to improve the marriage? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Out of laziness and selfishness. It is an escape from reality in the short run. For the long run it would be better to face reality and improve things for the future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by twilight:
<strong> if you love her as you say you do you will never contact her again. Save her the pain and misery involved with being with a married man. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I won't contact her again.
The trouble is she will just move on to another with more experience. I have to realize I can't save her or help her now. She is the only one that can do that.
My wife and I have talked a little bit on this. She sees it as a wake up call. We have a lot of work to do and it is going very slowly and is frustrating, but hopefully will be worth it.

"save her" please. What makes a MM...this kind of arrogance. BLECK.

fl:

Good that you told your W about the A. Now, get a good counselor. The Harleys are VERY GOOD. You can find out how 2 contact them at the top of this window by clicking on "counsel". They're expensive, but not in the long haul, because they're efficient.

If you do "in office" counseling, be prepared to maybe have 2 go through a few counselors before finding one that you both can work with.

-2long

What are you an amatuer at? Having affairs?

Do you want to go pro?

You're lucky this woman stopped YOU from making a huge mistake.

Focus on your wife, and work on touching her and holding hands with her. Be glad you still have her.

HP

My wife and I are now holding hands, kissing and going out on dates again. She knows about the other woman and is not upset with her as she knows her and what she has been through in life.
This has actually helped our marriage.
The other woman and I made a terrible mistake and want what is best for everyone. Even my wife hates to see our ten year friendship go down the drain and says we can still be friends if we are never alone.
I would like to, but is this possible? Has anyone here done this or is it too late?

The problem is that you and she don't meet the defintion of friends...

friends don't disrepect themselves and eachother at the expense of other and themselves...

boy that's a convoluted sentence...but aren't all of mine... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She knows about the other woman and is not upset with her as she knows her and what she has been through in life.

"been through" things in life is no free pass to disrepect marriage vows...

you crossed lines that constitute infidelity and put your children at great risk for harm...

You need to never ever put yourself in this situation...and to be honest your original post smacks of high-school behavior....

hanging out at the bars...
male friend saying get a room
heavy petting in public...
male friend playing go between you and the OW...

this was and is your wake up call...
you can not be friends with her...cause you crossed that line...

real friends celebrate and support our own marriages...
they respect eachother in life choices...

You should not have contact with the OW...

forumlover i don't say this to be mean...but I am saying it too you honestly...

Your actions need to be ones in which you act out how much you are grasping the sanctity of marriage...and it's vows to cherish and honor that one person you have chosen in your life...not place the loss of a friend above your wife...which is what it will be like..
even with her blessings...be the MAN and say no I don't think I will maintain a friendship with the OW...
it will save you years of pain...and hurt...and decrease risk to your children...

yours and the OW were the extreme opposite of your vows...

and you need to never ever return to that place in mind or in logistics in which you just smooth over this and "pretend" it didn't happen...

you didn't treat her like a friend...you treated her like a lover..
she didn't treat you like a friend ...she treated you like a lover...

there is no friendship there to maintain...
friends don't do what you two did...

well you asked ..
my answer is no...

ARK

Your W may be trying to be very understanding, but such a friendship is like poisin to a marriage.

I understood, I expressed concern about my H's friendship, he said he could handle it, and now here I am in the middle of the night typing on MB. It's not worth the risk even if you can handle it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> The problem is that you and she don't meet the defintion of friends...

friends don't disrepect themselves and eachother at the expense of other and themselves...

boy that's a convoluted sentence...but aren't all of mine... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

She knows about the other woman and is not upset with her as she knows her and what she has been through in life.

"been through" things in life is no free pass to disrepect marriage vows...

you crossed lines that constitute infidelity and put your children at great risk for harm...

You need to never ever put yourself in this situation...and to be honest your original post smacks of high-school behavior....

hanging out at the bars...
male friend saying get a room
heavy petting in public...
male friend playing go between you and the OW...

this was and is your wake up call...
you can not be friends with her...cause you crossed that line...

real friends celebrate and support our own marriages...
they respect eachother in life choices...

You should not have contact with the OW...

forumlover i don't say this to be mean...but I am saying it too you honestly...

Your actions need to be ones in which you act out how much you are grasping the sanctity of marriage...and it's vows to cherish and honor that one person you have chosen in your life...not place the loss of a friend above your wife...which is what it will be like..
even with her blessings...be the MAN and say no I don't think I will maintain a friendship with the OW...
it will save you years of pain...and hurt...and decrease risk to your children...

yours and the OW were the extreme opposite of your vows...

and you need to never ever return to that place in mind or in logistics in which you just smooth over this and "pretend" it didn't happen...

you didn't treat her like a friend...you treated her like a lover..
she didn't treat you like a friend ...she treated you like a lover...

there is no friendship there to maintain...
friends don't do what you two did...

well you asked ..
my answer is no...

ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am glad I asked and I thank you for your insight. It tears me apart how something that starts off so simple can haunt you for a lifetime. What a waste. She seemed like she was such a good friend for the last ten years. I'm lucky to still have my family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by broken heart and arm:
<strong> Your W may be trying to be very understanding, but such a friendship is like poisin to a marriage.

I understood, I expressed concern about my H's friendship, he said he could handle it, and now here I am in the middle of the night typing on MB. It's not worth the risk even if you can handle it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel for you. You have 4 kids under 10 if I read right. They sure get caught in the middle. At least my OW came to her senses. She saw how close we were getting and how involved 3 kids were getting also. We were very selfish.
I met the OW at work. She met too many of my needs that I should have let my wife meet. How did your husband's affair start, etc.?

<small>[ January 03, 2004, 01:52 PM: Message edited by: forumlover2003 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Under Construction:
<strong> What are you an amatuer at? Having affairs?

Do you want to go pro? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, once is enough. I dropping off the tour. The tour wasn't as fun and sexy as it appeared. Kind of like false advertising on TV. Saw something that looked and sounded great. Ordered it. Tried it out and it wasn't so great after all.