Here's the same info...apologies but I cannot remember where I got this info from...hope it helps others as it sure did me...helped me not to LB, to remain calm and respectful during times of intense provocation and emotional turmoil...
The exercise (at the end) really helped me figure out what I was doing and how I could see things differently. If you do it, I'd encourage you to write as much as you can...keep on writing until you get it out of your system...leave it a few days and then review it...as I say, I found it eye-opening and it truly allowed me to detach from the incredible pain I was feeling...
Detachment
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
Wait, "detachment" depends on how you are interpreting what it is to "detach".
Its not necessarily distancing yourself from the relationship. Its more about not letting yourself be hurt by the involvement in the relationship. Its about not trying to control others and accepting you do not have control over them and their actions.
That is my understanding and how it was taught to me at BFC and in counseling.
"Detaching is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement."
Detachment is something we must do first!
before we can begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession. It appears that even our Higher Power cant do much with us until we have detached.
Attachment is becoming overly -involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled.
Attachment can take several forms:
* we may become excessively worried abut, and preoccupied with, a problem or person (our mental energy is attached).
*Or, we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our environment (our mental, physical, and emotional energy is directed at the object of our obsession).
* we may become reactionaries, instead of acting authentically of our own volition (our mental, emotional, and physical energy is attached).
* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us (now were really attached).
* WE may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us).
Overinvolvement of any kind may keep us in a state of chaos. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we cant solve our problems.
Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become dtached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. WE forfeit our power and ability to think feel act and take care of ourselves. We lose control.
Detachment is not a cold hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern.
Ideally detachment is releasing or detaching from a person or problem in love. WE mentally emotionally and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy and frequently painful entanglements with another persons life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment." that has been passed around al-anon groups for years.
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, htat we cant solve problems that aren’t ours to solve, and that worrying doesn’t help. Keep our hands off of other peoples responsibilities.
Detachment involves present moment living-living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future we make the most of each day. Also accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.
Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves.
The rewards of from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
I know you have problems. I understand that many of you are deeply grieved over, and concerned about, certain people in your lives. Many of them may be destroying themselves, you, and your family, right before your eyes. But I cant do anything to control those people; and you probably cant either. If you could you would have done it by now.
Detach. Detach in love, or detach in anger, but strive for detachment. It will become easier with practice.
Activity/Exercise
1. Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? Write about that person or problem.
Write as much as you need to write to get it out of your system.
When you have written all you need to write about that person or problem, focus on yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
2. How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem?
What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying "attached"--worrying obsessing trying to control -- helped so far?
3. If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different from what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living your life, feeling and behaving that way -- in spite of your unsolved problem.
<small>[ December 15, 2003, 04:01 PM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>
