Newsflash - I can't get over my H's affair or the OC he produced. ?

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 02:41 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

DG:

Boy, you won't be the first one 2 have those thoughts, believe me! My W and I have been talking a lot lately about who's responsible for what in all this, regarding our own sitch.

The truth is, YOU are responsible only for the choices YOU have made and are making. You are also responsible for your REACTION 2 the wrong's you perceive having been "done 2 you." I don't mean 2 say that your H's A wasn't "wrong" (though any "wrong" can be viewed as an oppor2nity for personal growth, should you decide 2 accept THAT). Just that his decisions are his responsibility, as are the consequences of his making them. So are yours.

You can 2nd-guess what you SHOULD have done in the past until you're blue in the face, but the simple fact is that the past doesn't matter. Don't relive it. Learn from it, okay, but don't dwell there. You live in the NOW, not the past or the fu2re. What are you doing for yourself and your kids now? What do you believe will make you happy? An OM? Your H? Your family intact? Or maybe YOU intact??? I hope you focus your energies on bettering yourself and let your H worry about his own problems.

Have you ever told him about your A? At this point, it might be just the eye-opener he needs 2 do some self-reflection.

best,
-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Also why is it so important to me that SOMEONE step forward and say "I was wrong to do this and I'm sorry for hurting you?" Should I rightly accept some of the blame for this myself?? I do even though that's very hard for me to do."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Because you have been deeply hurt by your H's affair, that's why and it would help your personal recovery tremendously if he and/or the OW sincerely apologized for hurting you.

DG its so easy to get sucked up in the blame game when in reality everybody has his/her share of the blame. Your H and the OW are to blame for their affair, you and the OM are to blame for your affair, etc.,etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"My feelings are so mixed up right now. I do want my H to leave but at the same time I can't picture my life without him in it in some fashion."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your H truly love's the children then he will always be a part of your life whether you like it or not, so don't worry about not having him in your life if you two decide to divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Why am STILL holding on to something so toxic when I KNOW I WILL NOT BE HAPPY WITH HIM??? WHY am I doing this and how can I get out of this mentality?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry but I have to give you a big DUH! for the answer is so obvious: you still love him. If you didn't then you wouldn't be riding this emotional rollercoaster at this moment. It's going to take time once he leaves, in order for your feelings of love to start dying off. You are also going to need IC to help you resolve your co-dependency and self esteem issues that caused you to have an affair of your own otherwise you'll end up having history repeating itself with another marriage.

DG you know that the worst decisions a person can make are those which are dictated by intense emotions, so you may want to consider giving yourself some time (a few weeks or months) before you proceed with making life changing decisions that may not be reversible. It is easier to divorce if your love bank is closed or practically closed and it doesn't seem that your love bank is even close to that.

From personal experience I can say it was everyone's fault. It takes 2 to tango therefore, both of them were at fault. And as was pointed out to me, there was something missing from your marriage that caused him to wander. You may feel you will not be happy with him as long as you cannot trust him. Another thing pointed out to me was that time heals a lot. You should tell your h that you feel he is as much to blame as the ow because he is. But you also need to search yourself and your marriage to find out where and when it went wrong. My X will always be in my life because we share a child but I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis and even if I did, it wouldn't matter because we are better friends than we were spouses. I know it sounds rude but it was an eye opener to me too and something that I was greatful to hear. As much as it hurts. You feel wronged by the actions of them and feel you need an apology. True as it may be, what would it do for you? Would it make the hurt less or make you forgive them? I would tell you to try to make it work but that would be wrong. If he feels that he should leave then you cannot stop him. You will find the strength to pick yourself up and move on without him!

From personal experience I can say it was everyone's fault.
The problems in the marriage are the fault of both people.

It takes 2 to tango therefore, both of them were at fault.
Yes, the wayward spouse and the op.

And as was pointed out to me, there was something missing from your marriage that caused him to wander.
Then this was pointed out incorrectly.
The affair is solely the fault of the wayward spouse. There is NOTHING the betrayed spouse did to have ANY blame for the affair.

DG:

I've got a source of tons of quotes on forgiveness, but this one is one of my favorite and might apply here:

"We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die--for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. Forgiveness."

- Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve"

-ol' 2long

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2Long:

"Have you ever told him about your A? At this point, it might be just the eye-opener he needs 2 do some self-reflection."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DG, 2Long is right on the money. You yourself said that your H scoffed at the idea of you being capable of having an affair, and telling that you had one with his BF will certainly shatter his beleif that you are his forever. Many WS's suddenly change their view of their BS's once they find out that their BS's had a so called revenge affair. As 2Long so eloquently said "it might just be the eye-opener he needs 2 do some self-reflection". Please give it some very serious thought.

Jazzygirl:

Spacecase posted them on this website, under "50 quotes on forgiveness".

http://www.iloveulove.com/wisdom/50quotes.htm

I re-read them from time 2 time. Very inspiring!

-ol' 2long

Here's another of my favorites regarding forgiveness, because it addresses our "need" 2 change others 2 improve our si2ations. That never works, as we all even2ally realize:

Sidney and Suzanne Simon - "Forgiveness: How To Make Peace With Your Past And Get On With Your Life"

"All the years you have waited for them to "make it up to you" and all the energy you expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion, laughter, and bright future that you get."

-ol' 2long

<small>[ December 13, 2003, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

dG-

I just wanted to point out that if you've ended your A, then some of your anger is stemming from those actioins as well.

I think that for a time, you needed to escape your pain and your a gave you that. Now that it's ended, most of that pain is going to resurface because it's not been processed in a healthy way.

Even now, I still get angry at who did what and why it all had to happen. The fact is, it happened. Nothing you can do or say, can change it. Truthfully, if your H chose another job somewhere else, it likely still would have happened. It wasn't the OP that led him there, it was his issues and his choices, not her.

She was just a person that he escaped to. It really could have been any one.

wow!

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

DG:

It doesn't matter whether your H believes his A is "meaningful" or "spiri2al". He's living a lie. It's what got him in2 the mess HE is in, with 2 families that he's responsible for.

Soulmates. ARGGHH!!! I like Jack218's term "[censored] mates" much better! It's more accurate. Not that there can't be "soulmates" out there, but that any R based on deceit will forever keep the issue moot. Your H has NOT found his soulmate. Or if she is, he'll never know it for real, because the relationship isn't real.

DG, you need 2 learn the difference between "alone" and "lonely". You seem 2 need someone 2 "complete you", when you are a whole person from square one. There is nothing 2 complete, except perhaps your own spiri2al growth, which will happen within YOU and take the rest of your life, whether you're "with someone" or alone. It is possible 2 be alone without being lonely. And then there's ... ...your kids! Share your life with THEM, whether your H goes for his [censored] mate or stays with you. He's not emotionally healthy either, but he can be, if he wants 2 be and isn't afraid 2 find out how.

It's great that you love the idea of marriage. But marriage is a farce without honesty - both from your H 2 you and YOU 2 HIM and YOURSELF. Tell. Okay?

-ol' 2long

2long - what you said earlier really struck me! You said -

"All the years you have waited for them to "make it up to you" and all the energy you
expended trying to make them change (or make them pay) kept the old wounds from healing
and gave pain from the past free rein to shape and even damage your life. And still they may
not have changed. Nothing you have done has made them change. Indeed, they may never
change. Inner peace is found by changing yourself, not the people who hurt you. And you
change yourself for yourself, for the joy, serenity, peace of mind, understanding, compassion,
laughter, and bright future that you get."

This has SO MUCH meaning for me, THANK YOU!

I am no longer fooling myself into thinking that H and I can work through this. It doesn't even matter if I tell him about my affair or not at this point. He and I can never go forward. I probably will tell him soon but it won't be to relieve (sp?) my guilt b/c tbh, I don't feel guilty in how it may hurt him, I feel more guilty in how it will hurt OM's GF. I would tell him only to ensure he does not try to come back to me.

I asked him to wait until after New Years Day to leave b/c I'm scared if he left now that I and my kids would associate what should be a joyous time with a terrible time in our lives. I'm not looking forward to rasing these kids by myself at all! Can you believe I want him to stay more so he can help me than b/c I actually truly love him???

Jazzygirl - so your H left for the OW? Did he come back? How long has he been back? Does he try to show you how sorry he is? Does he give you the constant reassurance you need? See I never really got that (although my H would argue that he shows remorse in his own way) and I just can't picture us going on without that. I feel I have forgiven him for the actual affair. What continues to hurt me is her continued presence in my / our lives. This is what I can't deal with and frankly can't picture myself dealing with ever. I am seriously considering cutting him out of our lives for good, even the kids b/c honestly, what can he possibly do for them from TX and we're in IL? The only thing he can do is continue to hurt my kids. My D will take this the worst. Who knows, maybe after a while I will be better healed and will initiate contact again but right now, continued contact with him or her is not happening. The last time he was with OW they only "allowed" him to call at certain times and on certain days and only for a few minutes. This just infuriates me even more!!! The idea of someone dictating when my kid's can talk to their own dad greatly pisses me off!!!! The fact that he tolerates it pisses me off even more. The fact that he more than will likely stop calling just to maintain peace with her makes my blood boil!! If he's so willing to eventually do that then he can just **** off! Okay, DG taking deep breaths now 12345678910 B R E A T H E ! ! ! !

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

DG:

"I am no longer fooling myself into thinking that H and I can work through this. It doesn't even matter if I tell him about my affair or not at this point. He and I can never go forward. I probably will tell him soon but it won't be to relieve (sp?) my guilt b/c tbh, I don't feel guilty in how it may hurt him, I feel more guilty in how it will hurt OM's GF. I would tell him only to ensure he does not try to come back to me. "

Hm... How are you so sure that you and your H couldn't go forward if he knew? How can you be sure you've done all you can 2 save the M if you don't try 2 make this ONE BIG STEP? How about telling the OM's GF? She deserves the honesty. What if she marries this bass turd and he cheats on her again? Wouldn't you be doing her a favor by telling her now? I just don't see that you have any healthy alternative but 2 tell about your own affair. Hard, sure. But harder living with your dirty little secret, isn't it? Discard the guilt by being honest with your loved ones.

"I asked him to wait until after New Years Day to leave b/c I'm scared if he left now that I and my kids would associate what should be a joyous time with a terrible time in our lives. "

I can understand this, but it seems 2 me that whether you tell or not, whether your H stays through the holidays or not, this IS a terrible time. Honesty might help relieve the terror a bit. Secrecy will prolong it.

"I'm not looking forward to rasing these kids by myself at all! Can you believe I want him to stay more so he can help me than b/c I actually truly love him???"

I can believe this. And until you tell him about your A, you'll never know whether you can restore your love for each other or not. Look around you here. It is probably UNUSUAL for a WS 2 be able 2 "ac2ally truly love" the BS during this time. You're not different in this regard.

and think about this: Wanting your H 2 stay 2 help with the kids should not be viewed by you so much as being selfish as being a GREAT place 2 START 2 rebuild your integrity. And maybe your M.

best,
-ol' 2long

Hey 2long -

no way!

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:58 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

DG:

Okay, so GF and OM are THEIR responsibility. Letting them go is a good idea.

If you're not interested in rebuilding your M, and that's up 2 you, how about rebuilding your own personal integrity as a motive for telling him.

I think now, more than ever in the past almost 2 years since D-day, that I could "move on" and be a true friendand coparent with my FWW if I had 2. But even being a friend and a co-parent would require that we be completely honest with each other. So, I don't believe that I have a viable option that allows either one of us 2 keep secrets from each other.

I think what you want is 2 be able 2 say that your M ended because it was in both of your best interests that it end, not because of an inability 2 be honest with one another. And if you can be completely honest with your STBXH, think about how easy it will be 2 have a fulfilling relationship with someone else down the road? Look ma! No baggage!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-ol' 2long

2long - point made.

I ponder the scenario every day. I always end up doing the right thing eventually. This will come hopefully sooner than too later.

Thanks 2long!

DG:

"I always end up doing the right thing eventually."

I guess my posts all boil down 2: Why wait until "even2ally" happens? Why not now?

-ol' 2long