first off i should give you some background on this .this friend who i will call S has been very specail to me for the past 20years.It has been 10years since i have seen him but he was there for me when i really needed someone and that I will never forget.He is now the man I always wished he would have been when him and I were together.<BR>However he is hurting and I am finding it very hard well I guess i shouldnt say hard but I question my own advise to him becouse of the feelings i have for him.But the last thing I want for this man is too see him hurt that is why i have decided to come here for some advise on advise giving.(I sure hope you can understand this all)He and his wife who I will call K are seperated and he filed for divorce which is to be final in NOV.Tonight was really the first time we really had a heart to heart about this matter and even with me being the betrayer in my previous marriage I find my self wondering ok am i giving this advise to help him understand or to bring him closer to me.A question right now i dont feel comfortable with.I did the best i could but i still wonder. He shared alot of feelings with me tonight becuz he doesnt want to hurt me which i respect very much and want to return to him. He has reason to believe s was and is seeing a om but she is in total denail however is very quick to blame him for the same actions he swears to me he is not and has not and that if she were to ask about now he would tell her he has been spending time with me talking and that is all it has been.My own personal feelings on this with what he has told me is he knows the answers already but says he needs to know from her so it will be easier to let go,they have been together for 16 years off and on while dating but married for the past i believe it to be 3 years.in 1 sentence he says the marriage is over but in another he says he talked to her and she asked if there was a chance for them he seems to give her a wishy washy answer which i did tell him was wrong.I am confused here why is it so important to know the truth , I realize you have to have honesty to start over but if the marriage is really over why does it matter?please help I thought i understood these things but here i sit 3:30 in the am cant sleep becuz i feel i am going to take another rollercoaster ride and this time on the other side of the tracks.thank you ginavan GodBless

Gina, I know you care for this man and that is part of why you cannot help him.<P>Stay out of it. Wait until he is out of the marriage to discuss the matter with him. I know he is your friend, but you'll only complicate matters at this point. Let him and his wife work this out alone.<P>

Gina, just because a couple are seeking a legal divorce doesn't mean that they have achieved an emotional divorce. An emotional divorce happens way after the legal one is final, and is the one that really counts. You can tell if they are emotionally divorced when they are indifferent to one another, and not bitter or fighting. <P>When they finally end their relationship with the spouse, and then they have gone through the withdrawal and recovery, and become indifferent - then they are unattached.<P>I don't want to see you get hurt, and undoubtedly you will if you are having feelings for a man that is still feeling certain feelings for his wife.