2 months ago D(13) found love messages on her fathers cell phone. A which was discovered 2 years ago had apparently not ended. Have been separate for one and a half month. WH living at his mothers house. WH visits twice a day to see kids. Initially he was completely distant to me. 2 weeks ago it was his B'day and his mother invited me and the kids for dinner. I went with the kids and we also bought him a gift. The evening was pleasant. Since that evening he seems to be softening up. I told him upon our separation that I was willing to talk and work on our marriage provided the OW was completely out of our marriage and he wouldn't see or talk to her again. Eversince he has been saying he needs more time to think. His mother said that initially he was talking about not coming back home at all, but now he was just blank. OW lives in another country. He goes on business to this place every 2-3 weeks and spends a night and 2 days. OW older than WH and divorced with children. What I don't understand is if he doesn't feel he can come back yet, why is he spending so much time around the house. 2 days ago he came and said he needed a shower. He used the shower in our bedroom, and then came downstairs in his robe and watched tv for about an hour just like in the old days. We(me and the kids) were shocked. The next morning he called the house. He usually calls the kids on their mobiles to see if they need anything or find out about their plans. He called the house, and when I answered he said 'good morning darling'. I thought I had heard wrong but he did use the word darling. Despite all this odd behaviour he does not show any desire whatsoever to talk about coming back, instead it seems like he will be staying away for quite a while more. My birthday is next week and the kids want to do something alltogether. They have asked their father and he said we would all go out to dinner. The next day is our wedding anniversary and D asked him what we would do then, he avoided that question. Some of his behaviour makes me hopeful that things will be ok, then one day he will say something or do something that will bring me all back down again. This is so frustrating.

me BS 39,
WH 41
married 17 yrs
S 15, D 13,
separated since 10/29/03
D day #1 2001
D day #2 10/03 same woman
OW older, divorced, 2 kids

Don't bother with trying to figure him out. He can't figure out what he wants himself. He's flipping between intimacy and withdrawal and probably avoiding the conflict stage.

You've got a wishy washy Plan B going on.

The only resolution I see is for him to change jobs or responsibilities at work so that he no longer travels to OW territory. He'd probably put up a big stink about that, but otherwise this could go on forever. Do you want the love to return and save the marriage?

We call this "cake eating." He is trying to combine all the comforts of home-living with the excitement of an affair. It is raising false hopes in you.

I suspect he's not "softening up" as much as finding out you will tolerate his quirky and insensitive behavior.

A.M. I "second that emotion".

I think he is a big cake eater too. He is testing the waters to see if you'd be willing to put up with having a wife and a mistress. Now that he's gone he's realized what he would be missing and what he can't have with the OW (sitting in his robe watching TV with the kids to name one thing.) By allowing hhim to get some of his needs met you are enabling the A to prolong...he can live with this situation as long as he keeps getting his M life fix. Have you read about Plan B? A firm plan B will cause him to seek ALL his ENs from the OW, and she will fall way short.

I aggree with you all, but for a fact I know that he doesn't get to be with OW on a very regular basis and that is at the max. twice a month. How can he possibly have his needs met by her? I also fear that if I push him away completely he will go and not come back. It was me who told him that under these circumstances we could not be in the same house. With the birthday stuff, its the kids who want to be together and do something. They are so stressed out anyway, I feel I can't break their hearts(their father has done that too many times to all of us). Do you think it's a good idea to expose A in OW territory? Due to their professional positions it would be unacceptable if her Bossses found out.

Hi Yay

They may talk or email daily, whats to stop them. Also, and I'm sorry to mention it but are you sure that the OW is the only OW. I agree with the others sounds like a cake eater. Time to go completely dark. Plan B, with a Plan B letter.

And, yes expose it to her bosses, and your H's bosses. Both sides need to know. Your H and the OW need to face the results of their actions.

God Bless

Yay,

Are you in plan A or plan B...or Plan helpIdon'tknowwhatI'mdoinganymore...

If you are in Plan A...read up about it..further on this page is an excellent post on plan a and dorrmats...read it if you haven't yet...

Meet needs when you can...
be kind no disrepect...
also attempt to make the house as warm and as inviting as you can when he is there....

BUT it is also important that you are showing that you taking care of yourself...

The issue of cake eating and hanging out as if everything is difficult, frustrating and also very hard/confusing to the children let alone you...

limits and boundaries when set with no disrepectful judgements and outbursts will serve you well...and may also be one of the hardest things to do...

I would suggest some things like if he comes over to see the kids....let him do that...but meet him at the door and scoot on out...don't do it all the time...just mix it up a little..

You also may want to consider for your birthday being gracious about him taking the children out and then make plans do something fabulous with your friends...
and while you never want to be getting involved with things you shouldn't ...
other male friends while you are feeling hurt and vulnerable....
you might want to add some illusion...
some girlfriends and i are going out for my birthday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Also consider inviting him on some family seasonal fun outing...expect him to decline but go anyway...or let him accept the invitation and have something just as fabulous planned after that he is not invited to...

"husband thanks for coming ________ with us today...it was nice to see you...but we gotta go now..we're going _______________ bye....

Do NOT take on the responsbility of pain and hurt that he is causing your children....He is responsible for the consequance NOT YOU..
and God that's an easy thing to say/type...but he must accountable for his hurtful actions....

this isn't over....but prolonging some the reality will not serve you or the children well...

Your children are teenagers and have every right to speak of their pain and hurt of dad's actions...and you should redirect them to do so to them....
don't make excuses for him..
while not crucifying him either...consider a lot of ..
I agree statements...
I agree daughter that what dad is doing hurts
I agree that it is hard...
etc

don't defend him...don't say but he really does care...say I also wish that his actions were different
I also would like him to not do this or that...

mix it up....use him to watch the children...
and go somewhere...

consider telling him you are planning an outing overnight somewhere...some little get-away you have wanted to do...and need him to watch the kids...

the more you can be kind and loving even with your boundaries the more he will be receptive..
plan a is about making consistant changes and incorporating them each day as much as you can..

NO relationship talk...
No questions about where-abouts...

If the kids are adamant about the birthday stuff..plan something short and early with them...then go somewhere else.....

Perhaps tell husband...can't go out for dinner...but have him stop in early evening...have a piece of cake...and he can watch the kids while you go out...

the more you appear to be doing what he expects..
waiting for him..
accepting his cake-eating as if it is normal..
the more it becomes familiar that dad pops in and out...the more stuck you ALL will become in it...

find WATS divorce busting 180's...

Pick a plan first..
if plan a...do the reading...mix it up a bit..
and commit to an internal time clock and then plan on moving to plan B....

ARK

Thanks Ark for the advice,

He is in and out of the house, talking to me about various issues. Short and not detailed talk, but still. No talk whatsoever about relationship and I have decided not to ask him. I am being nice to him, no accusing manners and stuff, but keeping my distance until he comes around and acknowledges that A is over etc. the house is obviously very comfortable and homey, and since he is at his parents house, I imagine he misses his home. During the week he doesn't see me too often because I am out at work most of the time and when he comes around I make and effort to look my best. I have been taking care of myself and dress up everyday so that he won't see me scruffy and looking down. He knows that the children are expecting him to make up. What bothers me is that he knows this and he is partaking in these family activities. I hope he is not falsely misleading the kids into something he has no intentions to carry out. Would he hurt the children in such a way by seeming like he wants to come back and then not? Plan B is very difficult at this time. It seems we need to maintain some contact. The community we live in is also very small and we are a very prominent couple around here. Socially, Plan B is also hard. I feel I need to let him know that he can't have his cake and eat it too. Setting the right boundaries is where I have trouble. I think maybe a little more time and tolerance to see if he will move closer is approriate. But I'm not really sure about that either.

Wh continues to puzzle us. He is going on another business trip! He told S about this today. I feel like S***. On the other hand he was around yesterday and quite sociable. He invited us all out for a family lunch. He came around today and also had dinner with us. He talks about daily incidences but nothing about our relationship. I am nice to him but not all lovey dovey of course. I refuse to ask him about his trips because I think it would not be of any help at this stage if I keep questioning him. I know they are planning for my birthday with the kids. We feel like he is trying to find a way to come back home but then with his trips I get all down and upset and oh so jealous. I have no idea what he does, where he stays or what he is thinking for that matter. It drives me crazy! I know I must be patient at this point but I don't understand what is taking him so long. Is a month and a half a long separation period? How long does it usually take for things to run their course?