Hi all-

Just me again.

I talked with my sister over the weekend and she told me that she received a letter from my father's cell mate. In this letter, he expressed anger at our family for the way that we treat our fathter.

He expressed that every time there is a mail call, my father looks for letters. He never receives any and does not complain or express bad will towards us. His cell mate did say that my father becomes very sad though, and again, he feels that we are all selfish and inconsiderate to this man.

To top it all off, it turns out that my father stopped breathing and turned blue. His cell mate found him that way and called for help. I don't have any more details other than that he is in the infirmary now. I don't know whether he will live or die at this point, and thtis whole thing has brought up so many unsettling feelings.

My sister has requested that we write to my dad and send christmas and birthday cards to him. I will oblige, but what do you say to someone that you don't know? I have very conflicted feelings because this was a person that chose to walk away from his kids and run with his demons. You reap what you sow right? So in a sense, I am a bit frustrated because it is another of those instances where I have to be bigger than what he was and be there for him meven though he didn't care about me at all.

Anyway, the point in raising all of this is that the unsettling feelings I have towards my dad are mirroring some of the things that I am struggling with in dealing with x. On saturday we had a joint session and I was extremely angry. See last week, X sent mem another 2 page email of everything I ever did wrong in our relationship in response to a decision that I made in regards to our son. My decision was based in the best interest of our child, but because X didn't agree, I was bashed.

Well, since that time, I have put up a barrier between the two of us. I do not call him, email him, or even talk to him when we have to be in the same room. I am doing this because I am in pain every time I receive one of these letters. I figure that cutting him off will prevent this from happening.

Well, I am feeling a lot of anger as I said. I am pissed because he wants to hate me for all of my mistakes and hold that up as a "Shield of Righteousness". Yet, when it comes to doing what he is supposed to be doing, he hides behind that "Shield of Righteousness" and uses it to keep me in place.

I'm hurting because I have made mistakes, but no matter what I do to improve on me, he is always judging me, so quick to point out all I have done wrong, but never acknowledging what I do right. I am mangry too because I am working sos hard to help DS grow and deal with his feelings. I am doing my best to follow the court order, but X hasn't gone to IC which HE requested in the temporary agreement. I feel like he feels that he is above the "rules".

Another example is that wew agreed that he would call DS between 6:00 and 7:00 on the nights that he is with me. Not once has he hoinored that agreement. It has always been between 7:30 and 8:30. When I confronted the issue withh the group that helped us reach that agreement, his answer was that he heard that the agreement was between 7:30 and 8:30. He also argued that most people are eating dinner between 6-7 so that's why he called later. Luckily the group remembered the agreed upon time and let hihm know it. I'm bringing this example up because it is a typical pattern. He does what the hell he wants to do - always has - and thehn ntwists it around so that I feel like I did somehthing wrong.

so anyway, the two situations tie together because I'm feeling like I don't have a voice. I realize that my dad had issues and chased his demons. I thought that this didn't really impact me because he never was really present in my life. I look at my situation with X, and a lot of things mirror. I feel as if I have had to fight for an identity with x. I felt as if I had to earn his love, I wasn't deserving of it. I feel the same about my dad. For me, the answer was to basically shut it down and cut it off if it hurt. Based on what I've just described, I'm doing that now with x.

I don't want to push the pain away anymomre. The fact is smy father didn't give a damn about me his whole life. He created what he has today and the only reason I am writing to him is because I am ma caring person that feels that no one should be alone on their death bed no matter what they've done. Doe s he deserve my love? No. He gets it anyway because that is who I am.

so with X, I look and see similar things...

I guess this is the season where my higher power is really tryinig to get my attention. I did ask in prayer for my next life lesson and to put me on the path that i'm supposed to be on. I thought I was already awake and listening...aparently there's MORE hard work ahead...

Thanks for reading. It really helped to just put this out there.

There is a saying that the ones who need love the most are the ones that deserve it the least.

If you post your dad's address, I am sure many of us would send him a Christmas note also.
I am proud of you that you are rising above your hurt and rejection that your father has caused you.
Forgiveness is a wonderful blessing; for his heart as he is nearing the end of his life and for your own heart, as you go on with the rest of your life.

Our pastor said in his sermon yesterday, it would be easy to hate Saddem and wish he were dead.
But Christ died for all our sins, even Saddem's sins and we should pray for his salvation that he would repent of his horific crimes and be saved...
And if he did, he would be there in heaven when he dies!..What a thought!

Amazing Grace of Jesus!
Love, Sarah

Maybe what you need to do is to compartmentalize? There is SO MUCH still going on in your life, and by bunching it all together, you are creating an overwhelming feeling. Although yes, I can see where you're coming from when you make comparisons to your past with your father and your way of dealing with it vs. your past and present with your x. But they are two totally different issues.

It's like with me... if I were to dwell on, and compare my situation with my stbxH and his sexual addiction vs. my father and his alcoholism, I wouldn't be able to stop the comparisons. However, although related in many instances, they are two totally different issues. And then there are all of the sub-issues within those issues, etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Too much work to deal with all at once. So I try to compartmentalize.

I"m concerned about your reasonings for contacting your father. The way I read your post, is that the cell mate is making you and your sister feel guilty for not writing this very same man who abused and neglected you. Why should you? Certainly NOT out of guilt. However, if you truly believe that within yourself, should you not write, you would regret it later in life, then by all means, write the man... er, him (I'm not so sure he deserves the title of "man"... sorry!).

I'm so sorry that your ex is still sitting on his pity pot. It's a shame he isn't ready to deal with the issues after all this time, and can only find comfort in making you feel like crap. I have known many people like that in my life (again, I can easily compare my ex to my dad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), and I feel bad for them. I think in this situation, you are definitely best off with NC. You need to protect YOU, so that you may continue to do what is best for your son. Hopefully someday, your ex will understand what you are doing. If not, well, there's nothing you can do about that.

((((((( Kily ))))))))

Take care! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

K,
I am glad too that I'm home w/this virus and could read it.

Your post reminds me of many things. I know how you feel as far as being the 'bigger' person. That's how I've felt my whole life.

There's a division, for the first time, in my extended family and I feel innately responsible to extend the olive branch and try and build peace. I'm not doing it, but I feel I must. I know I will sometime soon.

I think of that saying that I so love which is, "Would you rather be right, or be loved."

You're right, your dad doesn't 'deserve' your love in many ways. Yet I feel you are doing the right thing by writing to him now, and showing some sort of love to him by doing so. There's really no purpose served by letting an old, sick man die alone with no good thoughts or feelings.
He's already had a very sad life, so it sounds, due to his disastrous choices. Why not be an instrument of peace and love, instead of one of bitterness and indifference.

Doesn't it make sense that you would choose a partner who in some ways reminds you of your dad, on some sort of level. This is the way it is. I think it happens without us being aware of it. While my dad and exH are both keenly sensitive in some ways,they are also both overly intellectual and not big 'givers' as far as devoting time to deepen relationships through sweeping, romantic gestures. They're practical, and to the point.

You said, about your dealings with EX BF:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well, since that time, I have put up a barrier between the two of us. I do not call him, email him, or even talk to him when we have to be in the same room. I am doing this because I am in pain every time I receive one of these letters. I figure that cutting him off will prevent this from happening.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will it prevent anything, really? You are still sensitive, loving K. He is still who he is. I really don't see the purpose in completely alienating your exBF. You have a young boy, and many years ahead as parents of him, together. Is this sort of cutting off thing really worth it? What do you want your sons to see, and experience in their young lives? Is it worth it, really, to have them see such alienation?

It's again time for you to be the bigger person, don't you think? I'm sorry K, that's how I see it. Put your son's needs (and the older one too, he is watching too) first, and show him that you can forgive and move on as that's the way mature, peaceful people do it.

For years a dear friend of mine lived with her father after her parents' bitter divorce. Her mother only called and visited occasionally,as she lived out of state. The parents were so estranged that the father never once uttered the exwife's name or even said 'hello' when he would answer the phone instead of the daughter. (This went on for 30 years, until he passed away. Custody of the kids began when the children were under age five) What did this teach their children? I'll tell you one thing. One thing I've noticed is when this friend has a conflict with someone, she basically writes them off and never talks through the problem with them. That's what she learned from her parents. End the relationship, and don't even be civil. Not good at all! She also avoids topics of deep interest, and possible conflict as to avoid any sort of problems and then possibly lose a relationship. That's not good, either.

I don't know if this has made sense at all. Life is full of hard choices in how we react to things. I say, "Choose the road less travelled."

As for me, I'd rather be loved, than be right.

HP

Dear kily:

"Doe s he deserve my love? No. He gets it anyway because that is who I am."

He's getting unconditional love from you. Everybody deserves that.

My W had a 2ple of similar experiences that she had 2 come 2 grips with.

Her dad was an abusive alcoholic. He called her sister "s2pid" when she was young. Her sister chose 2 never see him or speak 2 him again for the rest of his life, after he and their mom DVd about 30 years ago. My W had 2 learn how 2 say "no" 2 him about 25 years ago. When she did, things were strained for a while, but he ended up being a pretty decent grandfather 2 our kids. All the while, he never could apologize for the things he did when my W was growing up. He died 7 years ago.

His mother lived a few years longer. My W had seen her only 2wice in her life. Her grandparents were always rather miserly, and intolerant of children. When here grandfather died, her grandmother started sending Christmas cards 2 my W and OUR kids, whom she had never met. My W could have ignored them, but she chose 2 put the modicum of effort it 2k 2 write responses and tell her how the family was doing. It wasn't a lot, but we could tell it made a difference 2 this "stranger" in her final years.

I don't know whether sending your father a letter will help you or him right now. That's for you 2 decide. Whatever you do, decide for YOU, for YOUR benefit.

-ol' 2long
P.S. I'd still like 2 smack your X around with my 2bly-laminated ebony 2x4!

2ble post

Sometimes I'm really ANGRY with that back button! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Kily Said:
so anyway, the two situations tie together because I'm feeling like I don't have a voice

Let me ask you - Jesus Christ, what were his biggest trials? Were they the ones he faced from without? From thoes who wanted to kill him? From those who spit upon him? Those who wippped him?

Or were his greatest trials within - Time spend on his knees in the garden when he asked that the cup might be taken from him - if it were possible.

Great though the outward trials are, is it not the inner that define us?
He made his choice and finished his work. We are the benificiaries of his decision to go ahead with it.

No matter what the past of any one of us, can't our future be bright?

You have the power to change -
What a gift that is. What a great gift.

It is a very difficult thing to leave behind all the voices that limit us. Perhaps it is as hard to have faith in our selves as it is to have faith in anything or anyone.

So, change.
One of the ways I change is to simply act as I wish to be. If I act like it long enough, I become the better person I seek to be.

What are your wishes?

Who were you?
Who are you now?
Who do you wish to be?

What skills are needed?
How do you get them?

and -

When will you start?

If you relapse, we'll be here. In fact, you'll have friends right along.

Growth is a process, not an event. You are in the process, it's working. Can you see that it is?

I believe if you think about your comments and questions about X and your father in context of what you have learned, you'll have what you need to solve the equation.

Let the engineer in you out today, and solve for X.

SS