If I have heard it once, I have heard it a hundred times. That the WS would forgive their spouse if they had the affair. Why does the WS think it is that easy? Why would the WS even try to "pretend" they know what it feels like to be betrayed and make an assumption about their reaction?

Many of us know that our thoughts about infidelity has changed since D-Day. We never thought it would happen to us. We thought we were in a committed, honest relationship for years. Affairs happened to other people. We never imagined the pain we would feel when we knew the truth and we were probably surprised at our reaction.

So, again I ask, how could the WS honestly say they would forgive so easily because they love their spouse?

While there are certainly others here who have been in the very situation you describe, I'd like to take a stab at answering your question.

I'm not sure if you meant to ask how the WS would respond after having their own affair, or, if simply the roles were reversed.

To the latter, I can answer simply:
We would be divorced because I was the less forgiving, more selfish of the two of us. I would have been extremely angry and would have wanted to make her hurt. My wife simply loved me more than I loved her.

To the former, I can say without a doubt that I would respond differently now. My own affair and subsequent recovery has given me insight to myself, my wife, and the "mechanics" of marriage that I just didn't have before. Sure, I would be very hurt, but I think I'd be much quicker to try to find out why she strayed and fix it than I would've before. Having seen things from that perspective, I would be more understanding of how she found herself in that situation and the pain she will have to go through to get out of it. I think I would be less likely to swallow WS fogtalk.

I have a more "real" understanding of love, marriage, and committment than ever before.

Lastly, but not least - I love my wife like I have never loved her before.

So, yes, I think that NOW I'd be much quicker to forgive and work things out.

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

Low Orbit,
Can I ask what made you return or stay with your
wife and come to this realization? Did you almost
lose her?
Laurie

We never even got to a discussion about forgiveness if I had been the one to have an A. My H told me that if I had done with another man the things he did with this other woman, for the number of years that he did it, he would have been gone. He "thinks" he would've eventually wanted to recover our marriage and returned. Thing is, we'll never know will we... He says he can't even allow himself to think about me in a relationship with another man, especially a sexual relationship - the thought of it, the images of it, make him physically ill (and I can relate to that). Now, it's the thoughts and images of what HE did that make him physically ill.

I know that my decisions and choices are not in the least based on what he (or any one else for that matter) would have done in the same or reversed situations. In the beginning I was ready to bail out of this marriage. It was just too much to hear, to know, to try and live through with him. That would have been the easiest to do. I (we) prayed (and prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more) asking for guidance. And, here we are, one year from first dday, 6 months from second dday. We are both doing the work on both personal and marital levels. And this is good (albeit hard) work we're doing. Leaving might have denied us both the opportunity for self study. I've learned that I am a strong individual, and I now understand how and why in a way I never fully understood before. Ironically, it is the 26 years with my H during which this strength developed - but that's another story entirely.

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: Never Alone ]</small>

The reason I posted this question is because my WH wants my forgiveness and told me that if it had been me that had an affair, he would forgive me because he "loves" me. But how does he "know" that? I have never cheated on him. He had three A in the past twelve years -- all disclosed since September.

I DO NOT believe he loves me more than I love him. Afterall, he didn't give me a second thought before entering into these As. And, he didn't accept responsibility for them -- he continued to bash me and our "bad" marriage to other women during the As. He told me that he just thought I would never find out about them -- "what she doesn't know, won't hurt her."

I DO believe he is the more selfish one of us. The As were selfish acts. Not once did he tell me that he was unhappy in our marriage so I could do my part to form a better relationship. I tried to give him and our children everything, while denying myself.

I just think he is assuming he knows he could forgive because that is what he wants me to do. He won't go to MC, won't read information on this website, won't read the books I bought, etc. Sometimes I think he just wants things to go back the way they were BEFORE D-Day -- OW and all.

Too - not a one of us could have predicted (with any accuracy) what we would do in this situation. It wasn't until faced with the actual circumstances that we could decide or know. Prior to my H's A, I would have said with certainty that I would be a goner. Yet, here I am. Forgiveness? Not a remote possibility. Yet, that's happened also. However, having had this experience now, I can absolutely say with absolute certainty, if it were to happen again (for whatever reason(s)), our marriage is done. I wouldn't care about the "involvement/role" we each had in ignoring each other's needs, or any of the other reasons for why A's happen. I wouldn't care about any of that because if we haven't learned from this first experience, from the immense hurt, from the shame, from the personal and joint effort to study ourselves and our marriage, well we ain't gonna learn. For me, this is our wake-up call. If we aren't awake yet, put away the paddles cuz we're dead.

Laurie,

I knew even before d-day that I loved my wife and would never leave her. I told the OW as much. It took a long time for me to get over the OW and rebuild the love that I have now for my wife. She deserves most of the credit for 1) Not tossing me out when I deserved it, and 2) For making the effort to truly fix the issues we had that contributed to the conditions that bred my affair.

Low

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>