i cheated on my w about 2 1/2 yrs ago ,, it happened because we didnt keep the lines of communication open,, but anyway it happened and its all my fault ,, she has been comming here and posting and reading for a long time now its time for me to post my side of the story ,,,
i dont understand why she wants so many answers from me about what i am doing and how she wants to work the marriage out ,, if our marriage was good it should have never ,made it to this point ,,, i have always had doubts about our marriage and i felt like we should have never been married, i felt i had to marry her because i felt it was the right thing to do not what i wanted to do ,, and so i didnt call it off,,, now that i have cheated on her she wants to make the marriage better now ? why not make it better in the begining ? i dont understand and the number one question that she has is do you want this marriage to work > and that is a hard question because i dont want to her her anymore then i already have ,,, so how do i answer that i have told her that i am not in love with her but i do love her for what she has given me and that is 2 beautiful children,,,
im just looking for some kind or comments to what i feel and how i feel about my marriage ,,, thanks

Confused,

Welcome to the forum. I'm going to make a really good suggestion to you. There is a book....it's called "Surviving an Affair". If you read it, I promise you that you will not only understand what you wife is feeling....but you will feel infinitely better about what you are feeling too....because here's the thing: You're both completely NORMAL.

Will you take a look? BTW....what name does your wife post under?

Give the board some more info

1) How long married?
2) Why you got married?
3) What was going on that made you cheat?
4) Have you cheated before or since?
5) Have the two of you been working on you marriage or have you been treading water??
6) How long have you had no contact with your affair partner?

starfish thanks for the reply ,, i have that book already and several others ,,, as my wife has bought just about every self help and spiritual book on the shelves ,,,
i am not much of a reader but i do read them when i get a chance ,,,
thanks for the post ,,,,,,

GOOD GUY ,,,
thanks for the reply ,,,, here are the answers to your questions
1... married 3 yrs been together for 8
2... got married because i felt it was the right thing to do ,, when i met my wife she had a daughter that was 3 weeks old ,, we dated for the next 5 yrs where i got very attached to her daughter ,, and my wife and i had a so so relationship ,,,, i wanted to end the relationship soon after we met 8 yrs ago but she wouldnt let me go and i felt like i had some pressure to return ,,, although i would never want it different now because we have 2 beautiful children ,,,now back to the question you asked ,, i got married because i felt an obligation to her and her daughter because i didnt want to let her daughter down and i really do love her more than anything now .
3... why did i cheat ,,, well i cheated because there was no communication in our relationship there had never been and i need some communication and unfortunatly i found it on someone elses ears ,,,
4.... i have seen the ow for about 2 1/2 yrs now it has been a full on affair no down times
5.... wife has been working on the affair and i feel like im treading water ,,, because im confused about how i feel about the ow .
6...the longest i have gone without any contact is about 1 week , i have not contacted her through phone or in person in about 2 weeks i have sent e mail ,, and im sure thats just as bad as phone or other

conf:

If you're not much of a reader, consider going 2 the home page of this site and reading the articles. They're a lot faster 2 get through than the books, and cover the high points pretty well. Also, since you're logged in...

I'd like 2 welcome you 2 the boards, 2. You will find that there are a lot of people in similar si2ations on the boards. You CAN get through this and come out the other side in better shape than you went in, but it's going 2 take some hard work.

The things you've said are very common for wayward spouses (WS) 2 say/feel. Especially "I love you but I'm not in love with you". You CAN get that feeling back. The nice thing about doing this with your wife is that your relationship with her was not based on deceit, like the affair was. You'd be reconciling a real relationship, not a fantasy.

I hope you stay on here.
-ol' 2long

thanks - you can find happiness.

Start reading everything you can about infidelity and the grieving process as your likely about to choose or lose one of you relationships.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you that you have likely not thought about.

Your very close to throughing away every meaningfull relationship in your life and impact significantly how others view you. Everyone makes mistakes but how we acknowledge those mistakes and correct them is what separates the winners from the losers.

You have made a great first step by admitting your confused and are looking for help. Don't stop and don't give up.

Keep posting as there are some great people hear.

BTW - I've been here for 9 months since dday when my wife left so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Confused,

Welcome, and I am sorry to hear about your situation.

I am the WW (wayward wife). I think that the first piece of reality that you have to face is that you HAVE TO CHOOSE one or the other (or neither) but you can't have both. It is not fair to either of them, or you, and the longer that you put off making the decision, the harder it will be to choose, and the more damage you will do to everyone involved.

If you truly choose to make a go at it with your W, you HAVE TO DECIDE ON AND FOLLOW NO CONTACT (NC)WITH THE OW. For as long as you have been with the OW, that will be extremely difficult, and will most likely lead to very hard depression, anger, and anxiety. You will wonder if you are making the right choice. You will wonder what the OW is feeling..... This is the ONLY WAY that it will work to repair and revive your marriage.

I am sorry to hear that you married for not the most optimal circumstances, but you have to look at everyone involved - your W, the OW, and especially the kids. How would you like to see your kids just once every other weekend, and some other intermittant times. Even if you have joint custody, you only have them 1/2 the time. Really, really, really think about what would happen if you split. My biggest turning point was when I started looking at the real estate market - If I divorced, what could I afford to buy, how would we split the kids, what if H wants to move across the country where he's from - how would that affect the kids.... Think of all that stuff now. Do you like and can you live with the answers? I couldn't.

It's time for you to start getting honest with yourself and everyone else and buck up and make a decision - one way or the other. 2 1/2 years is a long enough time for this to go on. Make a decision, stick to it, and live with some integrity in your life. In the long run, it will feel better than living a lie.

Felina

Welcome! Are you here to seek some different solutions? Because, it seems to me, that you have much to lose if you give up on your marriage!


Originally posted by confused as hell:
1... married 3 yrs been together for 8

Marriage means what to you? Really.... this is a sincere question. What does "marriage" mean to you personally?


2... got married because i felt it was the right thing to do ,, when i met my wife she had a daughter that was 3 weeks old ,, we dated for the next 5 yrs where i got very attached to her daughter ,, and my wife and i had a so so relationship

and a "so-so" relationship that you are 50% responsible for. Relationships are like gardens. You need to fertilize, water, weed, and take tender loving care of your marriage. A happy marriage doesn't just happen .... you MAKE it happen with your willingness to do whatever it takes. Your marriage forces you to grow in ways you never expected. And if you don't grow, you start to look elsewhere thinking that your spouse is "the wrong one" when, in actuality .... YOU are the one not growing in your capabilities to tend your precious garden of love.

,,,, i wanted to end the relationship soon after we met 8 yrs ago but she wouldnt let me go and i felt like i had some pressure to return

Are you so weak a person that you cannot use your voice and make your troubles known? You stayed because you made a choice. If you pretend your decisions are the responsibility of your spouse .... well HERE is the first place you can change as a man. OWN your decision. No one MADE you do anything.

,,, although i would never want it different now because we have 2 beautiful children ,,,now back to the question you asked ,, i got married because i felt an obligation to her and her daughter because i didnt want to let her daughter down and i really do love her more than anything now .

The decision you made met your needs to become a family. What's wrong with that?


3... why did i cheat ,,, well i cheated because there was no communication in our relationship

OWN this. YOUR communication skills were lacking from the get-go, and you did nothing to improve them. If you don't share your feelings with your spouse, you will feel empty in your marriage.

there had never been and i need some communication and unfortunatly i found it on someone elses ears

The "someone else" is not your family. You are avoiding learning what it takes to be a family man while you spend time outside your marriage. Eventually that relationship would also fail due to your lack of communication skills. You cannot improve YOUR communication skills by changing the ears of the receiver.... only by looking at where you are making your mistakes.... and taking corrective actions. You have not learned how to tend your garden .... you simply transfered your lack of commitment onto a new and different garden.

,,,
4.... i have seen the ow for about 2 1/2 yrs now it has been a full on affair no down times

And do you have respect for either of you while you are both adulterors? There is more at stake here than you realize. Your character weakens when you defile your family. How can you respect a woman who is willing to break up a family? Notice I did not ask you about *love* but respect.


5.... wife has been working on the affair and i feel like im treading water ,,, because im confused about how i feel about the ow .

You are confused because you have not learned how to make a decision based on your values and principles. You are *feelings* driven .... and feeling are so confusing and unreliable. What are the principles with which you intend to create a wonderful life?


6...the longest i have gone without any contact is about 1 week , i have not contacted her through phone or in person in about 2 weeks i have sent e mail ,, and im sure thats just as bad as phone or other

Your weakness is showing. What sort of man was your father? Was he weak or strong?

Here's a thought .... if you had to choose family 100% or OW 100% ... no in-between 50/50 division .... you realize you would have to sacrifice something either way.... correct?


What matters the most to you?

Family?

or OW?

It really that simple.

You must be one or the other, because right now .... you are not 100% of anything.
Pep

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

well i have a new question ,,,,
my wife and i have been thinking of seperating and see where we stand ,, see if we really feel like we will loose as much as we think or if we wont feel much at all ?? has anyboy ever tried this appppproach ??? and if so what do you think of the idea ?
thanks

Originally posted by confused as hell:
well i have a new question ,,,,
my wife and i have been thinking of seperating and see where we stand ,, see if we really feel like we will loose as much as we think or if we wont feel much at all ?? has anyboy ever tried this appppproach ??? and if so what do you think of the idea ?


I am wondering why you put a
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> face as your posting graemlin? Are you pranking us?

What is your primary principle with which you decide a possible separation? Duty? Loyalty? Honesty? Compassion? Faithfulness? Dedication? Love? Honor? Faith?..... Which of your principles is leading you in that direction?

What will be your ethical foundation ...for doing this very important thing?

How will separation improve your problem-solving and communication deficiencies?


Is this decision to alter the dynamics of your family simply based on feelings instead of principles? Do your children's feelings matter in this decision too? Or just yours?

Have you ever given any thought as to what gives your life meaning? Developing some long term goals for your life might be a good thing. Feelings are important, but what if you sacrifice your familys' security for a "feeling" and then you later discover, you feeling has changed? Feelings never remain constant.

Good luck.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused as hell:
<strong> well i have a new question ,,,,
my wife and i have been thinking of seperating and see where we stand ,, see if we really feel like we will loose as much as we think or if we wont feel much at all ?? has anyboy ever tried this appppproach ??? and if so what do you think of the idea ?
thanks </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Separating won't show where you stand, it will only give you the freedom to pursue the OW unimpeded.

If I were you, I would not rely on your feelings to make decisions. Are you a man or a teenage girl? Feelings change on a daily basis so you shouldn't make decisions based on that.

Having been where you are, I understand your dilemma.

Here's a few things to think about:

1) If the relationship with the OW is currently exciting, you'll have a tendency to "rewrite" your history with your wife to rationalize your affair.

2) Even if your relationship with your wife was never very good, nothing says that it cannot become good with some care and attention. This kind of logic is like saying "Just because I've never had a car wreck, I will never have one in the future." Sounds dumb, eh?

3) A marriage is a serious committment. You entered into the marriage because it was "the right thing to do." Well, let's assume maybe you did get married for the wrong reasons. Many people do that. But here you are, married nonetheless. Doesn't sound like you've ever given your marriage the energy and effort you should have. Sounds like your wife is trying. JMHO, I think you owe it to her and her daughter to give it a go. You'll have to end your affair to do that. Marriage and any relationship in general takes time, energy, and attention to maintain. Your affair is only riding the momentum of the "dating high". If what you say is true about your marriage, you haven't just cheated your wife, you've cheated yourself out of experiencing REAL LOVE that comes with a mature relationship (oh, BTW, don't argue that your affair is a mature relationship - that's bull and you know it). Here's your chance to get that!

4) Withdrawal will be very difficult. If you decide to end your affair, you must do it by completely severing contact with the OW, or you'll never be able to recover and build your marriage.
It may not feel like it now, but you don't OWE your OW anything. She's not the one you married. She's a adult and knew what she was getting into when she started seeing a married man. She'll have to continue being an adult and deal with the outcome. You can't help her or make it easy for her. The best you could do would be to end it then leave the OW alone so she can get on with her life.

I hope you're hearing me, CAH. I'm two years past where you are now. Our marriage is better than it's ever been becasue my affair forced us both to take a hard look at why we were here and what we wanted. You have that same chance. Don't let it pass you by.

Low

<small>[ December 20, 2003, 10:30 AM: Message edited by: LowOrbit ]</small>

To answer your second question:

IMHO, Separation is always a bad thing unless abuse is involved. It harder to work on your marriage if your are living apart. It's harder to give each other TIME.

Even worse, you will be in withdrawal from the OW. Being separated from your wife will make it harder for you to resist the temptation to see her again.

In general, a person in an affair seeks separation from their spouse to give them the space to take the affair to a new level. You may not want to admit it to yourself, but if you separate with your affair in progress, that's exactly what will happen. How do I know this? I wanted to do it. I wanted to come up with all kinds of reasons to separate knowing I would have more private time with my OW if we did. Don't do it.

Low

LowOrbit, you are such an asset to this forum. Not only are you articulate, but you are acutely honest about the dynamics of an affair from the WS standpoint. I get so much from your posts and I bet others do too.

Thanks all

MB has helped me tremendously over the last 2 years. Melody and Pep, you have challenged me and made me think about a lot of things I wouldn't otherwise have. I appreciate that. The most benficial posts are from those folk who have been honest with me. I didn't always like it, but I read it and it worked on me. Kind of like going to church when you don't feel like it...

I only hope I can continue to be helpful as well.

Low

you have challenged me and made me think about a lot of things I wouldn't otherwise have. I appreciate that.

I feel this way about you Low.

Pep

thanks for all the advice and i will take it all in ,,, i am not seperating for the reason of seeing the ow anymore ,, i do not want to see her anymore i want to seperate because i want to getto know myself i need to do that for me to see where i satnd with myself and the world around me ,,, to stay here is justto hard and it hurts my wife way to much,,, so i decided to get a little space between us and see what happenes ...
thanks for all the advice i will try and post as i go through my experience ,,,
thanks