Dear Queen
How your message made me laugh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Noone could possibly hold the mantle of Pound Man or Woman other than X.
I have followed your story in and out. I have to say, it would probably help if you could put a link in for me to catch up on some of the more recent things because I don't know why you would say what you do.
Firstly, Pound Man never understood or followed the principles of MB, even though he read SAA. He never once told me everything would be OK and he loved me. I suffered more verbal onslaughts and abuse than at any time previously, and there was also the issue of his physical abuse. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I didn't deserve anything, but some here (including Lady in Red who I think is one of the most insightful people I know), suggested that his extreme reaction may have been caused by his own underlying issues, and whether or not his A with Shiney Head had started much earlier than previously thought.
The second thing you should perhaps know about me/us, was that I always abhored the notion of infidelity (still do if you have read my post to Sarie). I immediately saw how wrong I had been, and wanted to sort myself out quickly. I did everything possible to push OM away from my thoughts (although that admittedly was hard), but went NC virtually immediately, and I didn't even understand the concept of that. Funnily enough, the week before X found out, I had actually thought I should tell him, and I hadn't found MB then.
So perhaps the two key things I am saying to you is this.
Firstly, Pound Man's response was not unexpected given his history of abusive/manipulative behaviour and secondly perhaps neither was mine. In all honesty, I was trapped in an unhappy M and I believe my A was an exit A. Still wrong, but I think I wanted to get out and was too weak, immature and scared to face him.
So, as to now. Well, I came round and out of that fog damn quick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> People like the ever wise JL,SS TMCM, Pepper, Porche, Nick et al just helped me to realise that whilst I had done the most incredibly selfish and bad thing, I wasn't a bad person. And I must never forget Still Trying, who did so very much. I think most of them understood my reaction was because of an abusive M. As I say, still not right to have the A. But I think what it made me realise was I could use what I had learned and hopefully become a better more insightful person through my mistakes. Now, I am far far from perfect, but I know right from wrong, and frankly, wrong was not the very nice side of the coin.
Pound Man, well I don't think he ever truly addressed his part in what happened. It was easier for him to hide behind his own "revenge" A and play the part of the victim. He probably still does even though his R with Shiney Head progresses at a rapid pace - living together, and watch this space, because I reckon M will be next and a baby.
Queen, do you honestly think much of this is like you and your H? I'm trying to be brutal about my own failures, and it is sometimes hard. To be honest, I do feel that I have rarely been flamed because most here have seen my true and honest desire to a)try and work things out with X, but b) when that failed to continue to work on why I did what I did and how to change me. Does that sound like your H? Is he still with OW?
I hope this hasn't been the ramblings of a slightly mad and tired woman!!!! I wish I had known that you would be in London because I would seriously have loved to have come and met you and talk more face-to-face. Sadly, I have numerous commitments between now and Friday when I go to Germany for a wedding.
If you post more, I will try and come back but I am just about to get ready to go off out to see a film with a friend.
Wishing you well Queen - don't give up on yourself.
Lisa, in very cold, London (bring some thick woollies <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
