Last night I had a strange thought, that just would not go away.<P>What if my H's affair was an EXIT AFFAIR and because he is also a conflict avoider (BTW so am I) he is going through the motions of rebuilding our marriage and in other ways tearing down the progress? What if he is really looking for a way out?<P>Let me explain a little, he is addressing many things about our relationship prior to his affair, like we now go out once a week, just the two of us.....He refuses to discuss specific concerns we have, not only does he avoid conversations about my needs he avoids conversations about his needs. Has told me that I am everything he needs and always has been, and has offered very little in regard to the WHY......so I feel we haven't addressed the problem.....therefore we cannot be sure another (or the same) affair will not occur......<P>OTOH, he is extremely harsh with the kids.....and often, because I fear his temper, I step in, and of course we argue. He is often irritable about money I spend on the kids (like tuition and uniforms) and complains we do not save enough (which is true), but then goes and buys something like an accessory for his truck? So we argue about money, or the kids, or the house, or just about everything but US. We never argue about US! Maybe because I'm a conflict avoider, and he is a conflict avoider, he is trying to find the "button" that will make me leave him! You know, if an affair didn't work, lying didn't work, maybe attacking other areas of the relationship would work?<P>Anyone ever encounter this? I'm just about ready to act on this. I think that he wants out, but doesn't want to be the bad guy. His Dad left his Mom for another woman years and years ago, and his Mom and Brothers would not be very supportive if he left me like that, but if we broke up because I "ruined" him financially or whatever, then he could be confident they would be on his side......<BR>I'm thinking of offering him an out, and see what happens.....<P>Any ideas, experiences, thoughts?

My H is also a conflict avoider, and has exhibited many of the same things including anger at the kids. I don't think the anger necessarily means they are trying to get you to leave the marriage, or trying to get anything in particular. From my experience, when my H is angry about something, he avoids discussing it but it keeps popping out as irritability about unrelated matters. I really doubt that my H was thinking, "Maybe if I am withdrawn and nasty to the kids and the dogs, she will get so angry that she will leave." That assumes a level of evil intent that I really don't think is likely. <P>I also have my doubts that "exit affairs" are very common. I think the fast majority of affairs are "resentment affairs" - once again conflict avoiders displaying their anger indirectly. In order to be an exit affair, one would have to assume it was planned. At a time when they are not yet in the grips of affair-induced insanity, they would have to decide to risk their financial position in a divorce, as well as risk losing the respect of their kids, their families, their co-workers, and their friends - for what, so they could have company while they are divorcing? They are definitely putting themselves in the position of bad guy if they do this. I think most betrayers, even those who plan their affairs, initially plan on keeping it a secret, which is hard to do if you leave your spouse for the affair partner, but often the affairs get out of hand. If someone really wanted out of their marriage, they would get out first, and then they would have a much bigger pool of potential new partners, because it would not be restricted to only those people who are willing to get involved with married people.

Thanks!<P>I agree that most affairs are also resentment affairs......but what do you do to get a conflict avoider to discuss the real issues then? Please keep in mind that I myself HATE conflict.......I always have. This is not new, and maybe two conflict avoiders just cannot keep something as important as a marriage going? But I have to try......but I don not know how to get this crazy cycle to end!<BR>