This is a question I ask myself, time and time, again. I am non-comfrontational and I wonder when my WS engaged in her A knowing this, had no fear in her acts. Is avoiding confrontation with the OM a sign of weakness or should I go and meet him? I know my Christian principles say to turn the other cheek and to love your enemies, but it is too much. I tried doing a search in the web site regarding confrontation, but nothing came up.

Why Me,

Like you I had this come across my mind several times. But then I thought to myself "what good would this do?"

Would it end the A?
Would it make you feel better?
Would it just make him want to keep up with the A even more?
Would your WW be upset with you?
Would either of them really care what you thought?
What would be your reason for doing this?

The biggest lesson I learned is that the whole problem doesn't originate from me. So for me to try to fix the situation by confronting someone who's just a pawn in the whole scenario would be counter productive. OM can be like octopus tentacles, you cut one off and another one grows in it's place. Try to deal with the problem at the source.

It could be construed as a sign of weakness to some, but it can also be a sign of strength to others. Remember, vengeance is not ours. What do you think God would have you do?

I have talked to the OM once. The talk did nothing to end the affair. But, it did convince me that the guy is a total jerk and that I am the goodguy. I learned that I was letting a first-class [censored] control my life. That was worth the talk.

FWIW, I have found the best thing I have done is to do my plan A and focus on regaining control over my life. I have started to build a support system that includes my doctor, counselor, friends and pastor. Moreover, I no longer let my WW or my emotional reactions to her behavior jerk my strings.

I called OM when my W was drinking heavily, I believe largely because of the stress of the A. I told him, while my marriage was very important, my wife's health takes priority. I asked him several times to stay away from my W, he said he was. I then told him I was about to lose my patience with him and he would face consequences for his actions.

Not sure it did a lot of good. I told my wife right after I called him. My wife threw it back at and said I wasa poking my nose where it didn't belong. I told her he was poking something else where it didn't belong. Anyway, our R seems to be making progress after a big LB in confronting my wife regarding her alcohol usage. W has reduced her drinking considerably.

So if I had to do it again, I probably wouldn't. I'm not sure it did a lot of good plus you may be overtly providing OM with info he can use to further distance you and your spouse.

I'm a Christian, but OM will always be down there in my book along with Saddam, Hitler, etc. Immoral with a blantant disregard for the affect of his actions on others. He posed a major threat to my family and that I will have a hard time ever forgiving.

<small>[ December 17, 2003, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: FAM_MAN ]</small>