I have just about had it. I work full-time. I am a wife and a mother of 2 boys. I am trying to work on my marriage that lacks romance, time, and is full of neglect. But I just cannot do it by myself.

Last night I went to an office X-mas Party. My hubby stayed with the kids, he picked them up from school and so on. The party was only from 6 pm to 8:30 pm and I was home at 9:15 pm. I told him about it and went to bed.

When I woke up there was a note written on a paper towel in the kithchen (I thought it was finally a letter saying babe have a nice day, or I love you) nop, It said: PLEASE wash the dishes and dont leave them in the sink.

It has come to my conclusion that he was upset already because he had to pick up the boys, feed them, cloth them, read to them and put them to bed and then OH MY GOSH, he had to wash dishes.

Now, I work, pick up the kids, cook, do homework, bathe the boys, clean, pick up, get the boys ready for school for the next day, put them to sleep several times, wake up in the morning dress myself and the kids give them breakfast, take them to school and so on. My hubby does not do any of this and just because I am tired from cooking sometimes I leave the dishes for the next day to wash. He apparently wants me to do the dishes right after I cook and serve him.

I have spoke to him several times about helping out. We argue about it. His job is always harder than mine and so on. I am tired of it. This is why I am tired, have an attitude, nag, and pick on him, which he hates, but hey if you had to do all the stuff I had to do in one day you would be too.

This makes me move toward the OM, who I have not spoke to since November 18th. I stopped to work on my marriage, but is it worth working on.

Is this what a wife has to do as part of her marriage? Be a Superwoman?

Advice Please?

Have you read the MB principles on this website? And tried them?

My married life has been EXACTLY like yours; with work, college classes, kids, and household responsibilities. I yearned for my H to spend more time with our sons, to help with the house, etc.. My resentment grew over time because of my H's apparent selfishness. I thought it couldn't get any worse.

Then in September, my husband told me that he was unhappy and points out all my weaknesses as a wife. A week later he confesses he had PA that just ended after six years. The next month he confesses another PA that he had in 1992 that lasted several months. Still, he continues to point out ENs that I wasn't meeting.

Talk about adding insult to injury. I had dedicated my life to my H and sons while he was selfishly seeking other women to satisfy the ENs he said I wasn't fulfilling. He never considered my ENs but I remained faithful.

I tried to be superwoman -- I didn't feel I had a choice -- but it didn't help my marriage. I know I wasn't spending enough time concentrating my attention on him.

My H doesn't want a divorce, he wants my forgiveness for his infidelities. I don't know if it is possible -- the years of building resentment and knowing he was never there for me or our sons emotionally is making recovery very difficult.

Does your husband know about your A?

No my H does not know.

I would not call it an A as of yet. He is a boyfriend from my past 9 years ago. I chose my current husband over him. I have always wondered what if, but he was long gone. I did not have his number or address. I did not know about him. I just thought about him when me and my husband were having problems. I though of what if.

I last saw him in 1999 as friends. He was working at the same hospital were my mother died. I saw him there at that was it. I could feel the feelings between us, but I was married and let it go.

It turns out that I recieved a phone call from him on my cellular, which my husbands sister called the number. She was at her bosses fathers funeral that ended up being his uncle. He asked about me and she called and gave him the phone. My husband picked up the call. He spoke to him, I did not. They were friends in the past, so this did not bother him. I overheard everything and found out were he was working. He lives 300 miles from me. I went to work called 411 got his work number and spoke to him three times. The last time was for three hours and you could tell he still cared about me. He gave me his cell, home phone, address, work number. I have not called him back. I never slept with him or cheated on my husband with him.

But, with all the problems my husband and I have, I yearn for him. I yearn to start over. I am tired of being unhappy. I dont want to find out later that my husband has cheated on me or no longer wants to be with me 2-10 years down the line and I have lost the chance with the OM

Talking to him confuses me. I want things to work out with my husband and I so I took the advise to stop calling him.

So, where am I know back where I started. The same arguments about housework, children, neglect, no romance, no time, no help. Oh and his EN are not met either and somehow I have changed not him. I feel that I have grown and he has not. Will this marriage last?

sadomua,

Given what you have written here, and the question you have asked ("Will this marriage last?"), I am led to wonder how important it is to you that it does.

I'm not criticizing--I read and understood fully all the points you make about the division of labor, ENs unmet, and your growth outstripping his. You have to decide for yourself how important it is to you to maintain the marriage. It is not very useful, in my mind, to sit by and assess whether, left to its own, the marriage will last.

It seems to me that all you can do is what you can do. You cannot change him, no matter what. You cannot threaten, coerce, or otherwise manipulate him into doing what would please, soothe, or heal you. So where does that leave you? He may meet you at least halfway on some points, faced with drastic change as an alternative. Otherwise, you can either accept a marriage that has fewer desireable features, or you can leave the marriage. You need only determine what it is you are willing to give up to get what you want, and then give it up.

I do hope that you are not testing a thought pattern that justifies an affair due to the grievances in the marriage, or one that supposes that trading one man for another is any answer at all.

Study yourself, and pick your battles. Meanwhile, if you have the means, hire a cleaning lady. This will relieve you of daily resentments, at least.

Is your H aware of the problems and how deep they run? Does he know how you TRULY feel?

I know the bomb was dropped on me about a lot of stuff after the fact of it being too late to prevent my WW's A from happening.

We are men, we are sometimes clueless and we are human. Sometimes we just don't get things until it's right smack dab in our face or it's too late.

I'm sure if your H really knew how you felt and how deeply sad you were etc he'd be willing to make more of an effort on his part.

Having an A just creates more problems and makes life that much more difficult for you, your H and your kids. Exchanging one set of problems for another is no way to fix the issues at hand.

A funny thing I was thinking about in regards to him not helping you out. Constantly being on someone for not doing the things you want them to will make them want to do things even less.

Did you read the story about how the W was constantly on her H for not painting the room she asked him to do for over 2 months? It was recommended she not bring up the topic and when ever he did something good, to positively reinforce those acts. Saying things like "thank you for doing that, I really appreciate it." Well eventually he painted the room without her even asking!

It's funny because I ended up doing some things WW had mentioned soon after we separated and she moved out. I wasn't under "pressure" to do them and without that pressure I actually wanted to do them.

You're gonna have to tell your husband what you just wrote. He needs to know how close you are to leaving him or having an affair. I was like your husband. I ignored my husband's feelings for a long time and he went outside our marriage to get his needs met. That was my wakeup call, but I will always regret that it took an affair for me to realize what I was doing/not doing. Please try to talk to your husband again. Arrange for a babysitter for a few hours or overnight. Tell your husband that you have something serious to share with him. He may not be able to hear you. I mean he may just get upset and you guys don't get to talk, but this is just the first step. Please try.

Hey Sadomua

You and your H need a wake up call. You want your H to change, but really does he know what your thinking. He cant read your mind and agruing over the problems doesn't help.

Time to be honest about what your feeling, thinking, and doing. Tell your H about the OM, and what he is saying to you, and your feelings of attraction your having. Both of you can benefit from reading His Needs/Her Needs. Both of you are ripe for an A.

Find someone to watch the kids as you and your H talk. Thats TALK. Both of you need to open up and share whats happening. Also start trying to meet your H's EN's. And teach him your EN's.

Your M could be stronger and better, but it will take work on both your parts.

I know there are lots of theories about women being "givers" and giving until they are totally exhausted. John Gray (Mars Venus) is one author who talks about women needing to learn to set boundaries in their giving.

In reading your post, I kept thinking about the grass looking greener on the other side. Statistics show that 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriages have huge failure rates. More than likely (so the experts say) you would go on to another marriage to experience many of the same issues in your current marriage. It's easy for the OM to appear desireable--no nagging, no shared responsibilities, no demands, only the fun and good parts of life.

"Old flames burn the hottest" they say.

I posted this b/c my H had an EA, and thinking about the grass looking greener on the other side, being very realistic about that, has helped give me energy to work on my current marriage. I don't have children but I would think you'd want to take that into acct. too. As the child of a cheating mom, I can tell you an affair is very difficult on kids. If you want to be with another man you really should have the courage to leave your husband first.

Please don't take this as preachy, know it all or bossy.

Best luck with a difficult situation. Maybe things can be better than you've ever thought. If not, maybe you can build something better for you and your children.