This is not because H had an affair (an aftermath effect/need perhaps) --what I'm going through now is the realization of my own boundaries and needs in this R which the A and it's aftermath has caused me to consider and treat with respect. I'm only just getting to the place where stating what I need to my H (especially in the effort to restore trust) is validated by my inner-self. Today, I am giving myself permission to set boundaries and, at the same time, I am realizing this is a lot like dealing with a toddler--in that I must stick to consequences if it is to get through to the other party.

A good friend of mine once told me that I don't want to be with someone who thinks that asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission.

This is hitting home today for me. I have lived with someone who thinks the former is easier and I am feeling worn out.

Promises he makes to me (not that it has to do with another W or no-contact or anything of that nature) but about other things have been broken time and time again to me. He promises me one thing and does another. What happened last night, to me, feels like the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

His desire to make money and work over-time has (in my mind) become his mistress now. He saw something he wants to buy me for Christmas and is taking all the overtime possible to make that happen (so he says.) Using the poliy of joint agreement, I did agree to 12 hour days. Then boss asked him to run the night-shift (he promised never to work nights again) and told boss yes. He did that, even after knowing my disappointment and my reluctant semi-agreement. Nights would end last week and did and boss said he'd get another to run shift. Now, he called last night to tell me this is the last of the overtime on the 19th and he is taking it. I asked, what do you mean? More than 14 hours now? He said he'd be home by 8:30 -9 pm last night. I said I am going to sleep...reluctently agreeing again. I woke up at 2:30 am and have been up since (had to leave for work at 7) but couldn't sleep. I called over there and sure enough he was there, and I questioned why he lied to me saying 8:30 and it's 2:30 am now. He said (once again) he didn't lie, he didn't want to wake me up. I woke up panicked that he was in an accident from being over-worked/over-tired. My H is a serious heart patient to top all of this off which causes me such panic in and of itself. He said these are the last two days of overtime and if he can work 24/7 he is going to do it. At that point, I hung up the phone. Gets worse.

Around 5 am I called there again, boss answers and tells me H is still there at other end. I tell him don't bother getting him just give him a message for me. The message is that he no longer lives here, I do not want him to come home and I want nothing from him for Christmas.

Now it's 5:30 pm here, no message from H--no call to my cell at work--nada.

What this tells me is that he really doesn't care about what I need and now it's time for boundaries to have consequences. Is this right? Is tough love right in a situation like this? If not that, then what now?

I am not feeling too well right now and do not know how to proceed anymore.

This sounds like your Taker talking. Not that there is anything wrong in that, but if you recognize where you're coming from, you can avoid Love Busting.

Since the overtime ends soon, I would let it play out and then have a conversation later about how the financial support was nice, but you would have preferred more time together etc.

Is tough love really an excuse for love busting?

I can really relate to your post. My H has many of these same habits. In my case, I think my H is more comfortable working b/c he feels competent there. It also helps him avoid confrontation, exchange of feelings, etc. in our M. Work is where he feels good. If I try to explain that no one's whole life should be work, he says that's just my opinion and that I'm trying to change/control him. Sometimes makes me feel as if our marriage is a "hobby" instead of a priority.

BTW, my H was caught having an EA with a co-worker.

I sure don't have the answers--just letting you know you're not the only one. My H does this in spurts--sometimes not bad and then cycles to ridiculous. This makes it hard b/c he "ropes me back in" and then turns back to work and I feel hurt again.

Best of luck with whatever you decide.