When I try to talk to H about how I feel regarding all the lies he told me during his As in the past twelve years, he makes comments like, "I was having affairs with other women, did you expect me to tell you the truth?" I told him that I expected him to be faithful, that I expected him to be honest.

Sometimes his comments bug the H*** out of me. They seem so flippant, so thoughtless. I know you can't have an A without secrecy -- that is part of the excitement -- but I can't get past his "I did it. Get over it." attitude.

Is this a common attitude of all WS?

Originally posted by Toofargone:
When I try to talk to H about how I feel regarding all the lies he told me during his As in the past twelve years, he makes comments like, "I was having affairs with other women, did you expect me to tell you the truth?" Sometimes his comments bug the H*** out of me. They seem so flippant, so thoughtless.

What you wrote, if this accurately represents your H's recovery efforts, is flippant and very thoughtless. Your H is not exactly on the recovery bandwagon, is he?

Right now he is defensive. When he says something like this, look right at him and say very softly:

"Ouch. That hurts. I think I will be able to talk later, but not right now".

Then leave and go somewhere. Go take in a movie.


Pep

Too,

Why don't you coach him at little?

I know it seems wrong to tell him what you need to hear, after all, if he loves you he should just "know", right?

Of course I'm being silly. I know I'm not wired like this. I know I struggle to find words for my feelings, all the while I perceive her angry queries as attacks against which I have no defense. A crazy analogy would be being mauled by a bear in a dark room while I look for the gun I dropped. So I eventually lash out and invariably say something hurtful or stupid. At this point, my response is designed more to bludgeon her into backing off than it is to communicate.

My wife eventually just said "I need to hear you tell me you're sorry for the lies you told. I need to hear you say you'll never do it again."
That made something click. She just handed me the words I needed to express feelings I was having but I was paralyzed by fear of saying it the wrong way. It opened my eyes to what she really wanted and changed my entire mode of thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Low

Oh yeah, feels great, when your bearing your soul to them and they start with flip answers. Like i said before, if they really cared what you thought an A would have never happened. So it kind of goes with the territory. I know what you are going through. frustrating at best. I would like to know how a ws could treat there s like they do in an A. Fogged out ain't the word..